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  #1  
Old 07-20-16, 08:42 AM
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ADD and marriage problems

Hi,

I was searching for some information on ADD and relationship and this forum came up. I read some of the threads here and I have to say you all are great for taking the time to help and support others.

I hope that you could give me some advise. I haven't been diagnosed but I have noticed I have quite a few symptoms and I'm planning to see a doctor. My main issue atm is my relationship ,my husband is the opposite he's very organized.
Because of this we are in a cycle , I'll forget something or I'm late..he gets frustrated and angry will start to call me irresponsible and lazy. Most of the time I'll try to explain that I really tried but he's too angry to listen. I'll apologize and we make up and he'll apologize for yelling and the name calling.
And the cycle repeats after a few days.
I don't feel respected and often treated as a child, he'll often often say " did you do finish that task" and when I say yes..he will check. He often orders me to do something instead of asking me.
I can understand his frustrations and it must be difficult for him too but I guess I'm just tired of being criticized everyday
If I get diagnosed and I'm ADD how do I explain to my husband that I need more support and patience.

Thank you for reading
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  #2  
Old 07-20-16, 12:45 PM
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Re: ADD and narriage problems

Maybe you could get a book out of the library or show him on google what ADHD is if you get disagnosed with it?
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Old 07-20-16, 12:56 PM
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Re: ADD and narriage problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by simply_me View Post
Because of this we are in a cycle , I'll forget something or I'm late..he gets frustrated and angry will start to call me irresponsible and lazy. Most of the time I'll try to explain that I really tried but he's too angry to listen. I'll apologize and we make up and he'll apologize for yelling and the name calling.
And the cycle repeats after a few days.
Yes youre in a cycle- of domestic abuse. Regardless if he is super organized and you are not, everybody knows that you treat your spouse or partner with love kindness and empathy. If he has issues with anger-he is the one who needs the help, not you.

Quote:
I don't feel respected and often treated as a child, he'll often often say " did you do finish that task" and when I say yes..he will check. He often orders me to do something instead of asking me.
This is very controlling-one of the hallmarks of domestic abuse. Looking down on you as his inferior, treating you like a child, ordering you to do things...this can very easily escalate.


Quote:
I can understand his frustrations and it must be difficult for him too but I guess I'm just tired of being criticized everyday
If I get diagnosed and I'm ADD how do I explain to my husband that I need more support and patience.

Thank you for reading
His frustrations are no excuse for his behavior. I would worry more about your relationship and getting counseling before I even dealt with the adhd.
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Old 07-20-16, 03:09 PM
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Re: ADD and narriage problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by simply_me View Post
Hi,

I was searching for some information on ADD and relationship and this forum came up. I read some of the threads here and I have to say you all are great for taking the time to help and support others.

I hope that you could give me some advise. I haven't been diagnosed but I have noticed I have quite a few symptoms and I'm planning to see a doctor. My main issue atm is my relationship ,my husband is the opposite he's very organized.
Because of this we are in a cycle , I'll forget something or I'm late..he gets frustrated and angry will start to call me irresponsible and lazy. Most of the time I'll try to explain that I really tried but he's too angry to listen. I'll apologize and we make up and he'll apologize for yelling and the name calling.
And the cycle repeats after a few days.
I don't feel respected and often treated as a child, he'll often often say " did you do finish that task" and when I say yes..he will check. He often orders me to do something instead of asking me.
I can understand his frustrations and it must be difficult for him too but I guess I'm just tired of being criticized everyday
If I get diagnosed and I'm ADD how do I explain to my husband that I need more support and patience.

Thank you for reading
That might be better addressed by the phychiatrist who diagnoses you. My son-in-law was more likely to listen to the male psychiatrist than to either my daughter or me.

Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't. My granddaughter pretty much stopped seeing or talking to her dad by the time she was 15. He died just before she turned 18 but I don't think they would ever have had a good relationship because he just could not accept the reality of ADHD symptoms.
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Old 07-20-16, 09:11 PM
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Re: ADD and narriage problems

Interesting thing here is that 2 people are never there by accident. From his point of view it's logical why he gets angry. But is it conducive to a relationships health.?

If you are diagnosed and medicated/ treated, he should be happy. If he still criticises you I would leave straight away. This is just my 2 cents worth.
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Old 07-20-16, 09:15 PM
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Re: ADD and marriage problems

He sounds unhealthy to be around and he's treating you very wrong.

Even if he didn't know about the disorder he still shouldn't treat you like that - like people can still be respectful and also believe their partner when they say they tried.

Sounds like he's verbally abusing you. (And has zero respect for you)
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Old 07-21-16, 12:52 AM
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Re: ADD and narriage problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by midnightstar View Post
Maybe you could get a book out of the library or show him on google what ADHD is if you get disagnosed with it?

Thanks, yes this is a good idea,I'll see if my local library has some good books on ADHD.
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Old 07-21-16, 03:49 AM
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Re: ADD and marriage problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by simply_me View Post
Hi,

I was searching for some information on ADD and relationship and this forum came up. I read some of the threads here and I have to say you all are great for taking the time to help and support others.

I hope that you could give me some advise. I haven't been diagnosed but I have noticed I have quite a few symptoms and I'm planning to see a doctor. My main issue atm is my relationship ,my husband is the opposite he's very organized.
Because of this we are in a cycle , I'll forget something or I'm late..he gets frustrated and angry will start to call me irresponsible and lazy. Most of the time I'll try to explain that I really tried but he's too angry to listen. I'll apologize and we make up and he'll apologize for yelling and the name calling.
And the cycle repeats after a few days.
I don't feel respected and often treated as a child, he'll often often say " did you do finish that task" and when I say yes..he will check. He often orders me to do something instead of asking me.
I can understand his frustrations and it must be difficult for him too but I guess I'm just tired of being criticized everyday
If I get diagnosed and I'm ADD how do I explain to my husband that I need more support and patience.

Thank you for reading
I agree with others, this is abusive. My husband and I struggled with my forgetfulness and trouble listening, but he never reacted the way your husband does. (although he does always remind me about things). I suggest you bring up his behavior with your psych.
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Old 07-21-16, 05:13 AM
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Re: ADD and narriage problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Yes youre in a cycle- of domestic abuse. Regardless if he is super organized and you are not, everybody knows that you treat your spouse or partner with love kindness and empathy. If he has issues with anger-he is the one who needs the help, not you.


This is very controlling-one of the hallmarks of domestic abuse. Looking down on you as his inferior, treating you like a child, ordering you to do things...this can very easily escalate.



His frustrations are no excuse for his behavior. I would worry more about your relationship and getting counseling before I even dealt with the adhd.

I know that it's a negative cycle and I feel quite depressed, worthless and hopeless when we're in that cycle.But I didn't realize it's abuse. There's always conflict in my head..in a way everything he is saying makes sense and I shouldn't have forgetten x,y or z if I didn't he wouldn't have gotten angry or disrespected me. But on the other hand I know deep down this isn't healthy.

You are right his frustrations are not an excuse.We did counseling he admitted his wrongs, he said all the right things and it went great for a couple of days..but it went back to how it was before.
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Old 07-21-16, 06:32 AM
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Re: ADD and narriage problems

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pilgrim View Post
Interesting thing here is that 2 people are never there by accident. From his point of view it's logical why he gets angry. But is it conducive to a relationships health.?

If you are diagnosed and medicated/ treated, he should be happy. If he still criticises you I would leave straight away. This is just my 2 cents worth.
Thanks, I hope that he will be more understanding and supportive after a diagnosis.
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Old 07-21-16, 11:37 AM
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Re: ADD and marriage problems

First, let's make something perfectly clear: He shouldn't need you to have a diagnosis to be supportive and understanding. That's part of the job description of being someone's spouse. That being said, you do NOT have to support or accept his anger toward you or his lack of respect.

Reminding you of tasks is fine if it's something you welcome; my wife will do that sometimes, but it's the approach that's just as important as the reminder itself. My wife reminds me in a way that is non-judgemental and supportive. Your husband's words and actions display a lack of trust. And let's also be clear: There are very few situations when an order is acceptable (for example, if something's on fire) but for the other 99% of the time, people who live in a civilised society ask, and do so politely.

Regardless of your reasons for forgetting or being late/disorganised, calling you irresponsible or lazy is not helpful. It's making assumptions about why you're forgetful, late, or disorganised.

Just because something comes easily to him does not mean your struggles in that department are a character flaw, or the result from a lack of effort. He is dismissive of the fact that you, heaven forbid, might not have the same set of skills he does? I'm sure there are things that come easily to you and are difficult for him; do you belittle him, pass judgement on him, or otherwise emotionally harm him for those things?

Words leave scars; if you're anything like me, there's part of you that believes him when he calls you those hurtful things. I'd strongly suggest getting counselling of some sort, especially to learn how to set healthy boundaries with your husband, or maybe even making decisions about what the consequences are if he continues to cause you such harm.

I'm also finding myself wondering if he thought you'd suddenly become a different person when you got married...
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Old 08-14-16, 02:59 AM
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Re: ADD and marriage problems

So... after reading this whole thread, I see so many similarities between the OP's hubs and my own. And after seeing everyone's responses, I have decided that I will simply have him read this exact thread. That should kick start a thought process he has not considered previously. (I hope!!) Good luck, it has been a tough road for me, as I am sure everyone else here too!!!
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Old 08-15-16, 12:03 PM
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Re: ADD and marriage problems

One thing that is important is that the person with ADHD really come to like and respect themselves.

It is so easy to feel guilty when someone chastises us for being inefficient, disorganized, late, procrastinating.

It's so easy to put pressure on ourselves to be "better." ... and to even feel ashamed and embarrassed and a little frightened when we don't "measure up."

Fo sure, it's good to work on the issues that trouble us as ADHDers ... but we want to do that for our own benefit mainly. And it's always easier to make change when we accept ourselves as we are ... by accept, I mean we do not shame ourselves ... You accept that you are a good person and a person worthy of love and respect. Partners also have flaws ... and what can happen is that they begin to focus on the ADHDer's flaws and it's easy for the ADHD to allow that to happen.

So I'm encouraging you to stand up for yourself with your hubby ... and with yourself!

I had a brother (he died a few months ago) who was really controlling and judgmental ... He had ADHD ... but he was out of touch with the condition ... and he had a wife who was his executive function. She planned everything ... So he would get his way to plan things and get judgmental when others in the family didn't jump to his (and his wife's) orders. So my brother was always feeling like a martyr in terms of helping our ailing and dying parents.

Looking back, I see that I gave him too much power. Sure, I stood up for myself a little but ... but only around the edges ... The bigger point is that I also felt guilty about not being as organized as his wife was ...

This may sound cruel ... and it may be cruel ... but it seems t that other people, even spouses, often notice when we feel guilty and ashamed and they take advantage of that. Plus we start acting timidly, which encourages them unwittingly to continue to treat us poorly.

So one move I would recommend is that you go to counseling alone and work on standing up for yourself with your spouse ... and with yourself! ... I hate to tell you, but rarely does sharing a post like one of this forum change the behavior of someone who is acting abusively and is bullying and name-calling Not that easy.

Your spouse ideally needs to work WITH you ... and figure out how to allow you to focus on your strengths and what you do well and to get help with your weaknesses ... In an ideal world, every ADHD family should hire someone for cleaning and organization and take pressure off the ADHD person to do that to some unrealistic standard. I know: money gets in the way ... But the point is to try to think about work-arounds ... or as people say these days "hacks" and shortcuts to overcome a problem.

Good luck.

Tone
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