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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 10-23-16, 03:17 PM
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A Word

i realise I'm no one special here and most certainly don't want to tell anyone what to do. I have some thoughts of late that I care to share and I think they can be important.

Often times we are asked to give relationship advice that follow one of three kinds.

parents with small children

parents of teens with young adults

Partners both with those with adhd and NT's


Often times people give advice emotionally. People may say some offensive things and sometimes it's over the top. I won't specifically mention any posts of late that I found upsetting as finger pointing amongst ourselves is not useful.

Some parents with young children feel that punishing adhd behaviour is the same as having a child be "responaible" for behaviour caused by adhd. There are times I really want to get up in their face and say you're breaking your child, you are harming them. This does not work and drives parents who could learn a lot from people who have adhd about what it's like to have it. Patience in reaponding with what appears to be really wrong headed ideas is important. Also, many here were not the kind of adhd child that was always in trouble. I have even heard people say, I was not the typical monster/bad child/ insert megative judjemental stereotype and will offer up "tough love advice". Tough love doesn't cure impulsivity or any of the other symptoms. Please realise that those of us called bad were good children too. We needed love, patience, affection and understanding not bullying and shaming and harsh punishmemt. many of us live with this damage.


Teens and young adults. Kick him/her out is NEVER appropriate advice. People with adhd often have a delay in maturity. They aren't ready in the way their peers are. Parenta will come here exasperated, unsure what to do, getting on a high kudgemental horse and calling the teen/young adult lazy, blah blah is so harsh. Most people with adhd come with comorbids. Depression and adhd are common in youth. They could be paralyzed by tje pressure to perform as their non adhd peers. Have kindness for the "rotten lazy teen" Making them homeless or telling the parents to be harder on them may feel good for you it may cause harm to the life of that young person. Please use compassion for All parties involved.

partners.. There are some ao angry they come to lash out at all with adhd. They can be viscious and hurtful. I personally have little patience for this. Relationships are hard. Pain can be expressed in ugly ways. Expectations can be absurd. once again, patience and empathy can go along way


Also, maybe it's a pain but responding to a welcome post lets a noob feel acknowleged. Try it once in a while.

Sorry if you disagree or find me too judgy. i have had this on my mind for a long time. Decided to post.
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  #2  
Old 10-23-16, 10:12 PM
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Re: A Word

I don't know if I've seen the threads you're talking about, nor do I know if I'm one of the people you're referring to, so I'll hold off on passing judgement on anything you say in particular because I don't get the reference. But I will say that standing up when you see something that can hurt others is a noble thing to do.

When someone posts on any support forum, they have to take the replies with a grain of salt. They are asking for the opinions of a bunch of untrained, anonymous people of whom the asker knows very little. There is always the risk that someone will give bad advice that could unintentionally hurt someone else. Sometimes even the professionals get it wrong, so it would make sense that us lay folk would screw things up far more frequently, right?

That said, it's good to take a step back and think clearly about the advice we're giving to others, so I do appreciate your post. What do you recommend to help people give more appropriate advice?
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  #3  
Old 10-23-16, 11:39 PM
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Re: A Word

just to be clear, these are things I have seen over years. Some of them repeat. You're right, we're going to get it wrong sometimes. Absolutely. Empathy, and compassion are a good way to err.
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Old 10-24-16, 12:31 AM
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Re: A Word

I agree with everything you said in your post ginnie, words of wisdom and words that are often not said.

Thank you.
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Old 10-24-16, 12:32 AM
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Re: A Word

i have been kinda regretting this post thinking i was making people uncomfortable or second guessing themselves. Thanks for letting me know bella#
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Old 10-24-16, 12:37 AM
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Re: A Word

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginniebean View Post
Empathy, and compassion are a good way to err.
I agree. This applies also to the exasperated parents and partners, to those who don't (yet!) or may never understand ADHD like many of us do, and to those whose experiences are unlike our own.
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Old 10-24-16, 01:58 AM
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Re: A Word

ginniebean, I think you've said something that really needed saying, and probably could use lots of repeating too.

One aspect that IMO causes a constant stream of problems and arguments is the following:

Many people believe they are being empathetic when in fact they are being (at best) introspective. "Putting yourself in the other person's shoes" only shows Person A how Person A would feel. Learning how Person B really feels is not that simple.

(Hint: Ask Person B how they feel, and trust their answer.)

Also - something I think you really already said:

Expectations are nothing but guesses, and can't be interpreted as rules.
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Old 10-24-16, 04:53 AM
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Re: A Word

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginniebean View Post
i realise I'm no one special here and most certainly don't want to tell anyone what to do. I have some thoughts of late that I care to share and I think they can be important.

Often times we are asked to give relationship advice that follow one of three kinds.

parents with small children

parents of teens with young adults

Partners both with those with adhd and NT's


Often times people give advice emotionally. People may say some offensive things and sometimes it's over the top. I won't specifically mention any posts of late that I found upsetting as finger pointing amongst ourselves is not useful.
I know that I am guilty of having given advice emotionally when I feel strongly about something like this. I can say compared to when I first joined five years ago, and sobriety, I am much better at re-assessing when I have flown off the handle and I would like to think I am willing to apologize or at least acknowledge when I have gone for the jugular. I know that when it comes to kids, I can be fiercely protective and my desire to speak for the silent ones can sometimes alienate a poster. I really try hard to remember that everyone is in a different stage when it comes to their own and their children's own adhd. I can tell you that a lot of the new people here havent seen or read how emotionally charged I used to be, and how judgemental I am sure I seemed. I am blunt and dont like to mince words which can give the impression that I am a b*lls to the wall, iron willed person. I am actually sensitive and words hurt me too, which is why I try and look at my part in every situation. I think being a rogue defender can sometimes make me seem like some know-it- all. Mostly though I try to share what happened, what I used to be like and what I am like now.


Quote:
Some parents with young children feel that punishing adhd behaviour is the same as having a child be "responaible" for behaviour caused by adhd. There are times I really want to get up in their face and say you're breaking your child, you are harming them. This does not work and drives parents who could learn a lot from people who have adhd about what it's like to have it. Patience in reaponding with what appears to be really wrong headed ideas is important. Also, many here were not the kind of adhd child that was always in trouble. I have even heard people say, I was not the typical monster/bad child/ insert megative judjemental stereotype and will offer up "tough love advice". Tough love doesn't cure impulsivity or any of the other symptoms. Please realise that those of us called bad were good children too. We needed love, patience, affection and understanding not bullying and shaming and harsh punishmemt. many of us live with this damage.
I know my own issues often overshadow the need for empathy and compassion. I try to remember that not everything is in need of justice-but I stand by my right to speak up for those that have no voice.


Quote:
Teens and young adults. Kick him/her out is NEVER appropriate advice. People with adhd often have a delay in maturity. They aren't ready in the way their peers are. Parenta will come here exasperated, unsure what to do, getting on a high kudgemental horse and calling the teen/young adult lazy, blah blah is so harsh. Most people with adhd come with comorbids. Depression and adhd are common in youth. They could be paralyzed by tje pressure to perform as their non adhd peers. Have kindness for the "rotten lazy teen" Making them homeless or telling the parents to be harder on them may feel good for you it may cause harm to the life of that young person. Please use compassion for All parties involved.
This one can rile me up. My kids are 20,16 and 13. I cant imagine having those kind of expectations from my 20 year old. Until I had kids with adhd, I had no idea that parenting is an 'always' job. It doesnt end at age 18 and adolescence extends well into the 20's and I dont see my kids not needing the kind of support, guidance and help anytime soon. Nor should they ever have to feel like they are too old to have me in their corner.

Quote:
partners.. There are some ao angry they come to lash out at all with adhd. They can be viscious and hurtful. I personally have little patience for this. Relationships are hard. Pain can be expressed in ugly ways. Expectations can be absurd. once again, patience and empathy can go along way
I struggle with posts like these. As an adhd spouse with an adhd partner I often see both sides of things and can get easily agitated when I cant feel the compassion and understanding from those types of partners.


Quote:
Also, maybe it's a pain but responding to a welcome post lets a noob feel acknowleged. Try it once in a while.

Sorry if you disagree or find me too judgy. i have had this on my mind for a long time. Decided to post.
I dont respond nearly enough to welcome posts, its something I will try and remember in the future.
Thanks for this Ginnie- it reminds me to have perspective, remember my old ways and reminds me that all life is precious.
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Old 10-24-16, 10:15 AM
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Re: A Word

Good words
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Old 10-24-16, 02:15 PM
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Re: A Word

sarah I've ripped into a few people. I know from where you stand.
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