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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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Old 10-05-17, 04:23 PM
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WhiteOwl WhiteOwl is offline
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Re: Dealing with resentment

I have ADD, buy I strongly believe my husband also has ADHD and other disorders, including a personality disorder. I don't like to talk bad about him to other people, so I'll just say we had the same issues as you describe, and many more, due to what I believe was both of us having multiple undiagnosed disorders. Even though I have ADD, I also played the "mother" role and he played the "child" role. It is extremely toxic and leads to resentment on both sides. We are separated now.

You have to stop parenting him. One thing that helped me, was taking ownership for my choices. He didn't "make" me do anything, I chose to do it. There are some things that you will need to do (but realize that you're doing those things for you, because you want/need them done), but there are also many situations where you can let him act like an adult or suffer the natural consequences. It's not easy having an unreliable spouse, and I see this as only a temporary solution while your husband (hopefully) gets help, but you have to try to step back and out of the role of "mother".

Also, you can't change anyone. I spent so many years trying, before I realized I had no right to do that, it only built up my resentment and just made him feel worthless. I deeply regret it.

Is your husband aware of his issues and getting treatment? I do think that is essential. You can do your part of not parenting him, but he also has to do his part of getting help for himself so you can work together and make long term changes that work for both of you.

There are a couple good books I bought for my husband and I to read together, back when I was trying to save our marriage. Unfortunately, it didn't work for us because he was still so unaware of his own issues and couldn't even acknowledge the pain he had caused me. But they are good books, nonetheless. The first one is called, "Is it You, Me, or Adult ADD?" by Gina Pera. The other ones are, "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" and "The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD", by Melissa Orlov.

Your resentment has to be dealt with somehow. For me, by the time my husband and I separated, I didn't even want him to touch me. Every single one of our interactions had become negative. After it all caused me to have a major anxiety attack that resulted in a medical problem that I almost had to be hospitalized for, I realized it would be better for us to stop hurting each other and get help for our own issues separately (which I am doing and hopefully he will some day, as well).
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