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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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Old 06-08-05, 01:23 AM
Maggie56 Maggie56 is offline
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I"m feeling so desparate

I met my husband fourteen years ago and we've been married for eleven years now, after many years of sadness and feeling inadequate in a prevous failed marriage.
At first I didn't see that he had ADHD, but as I look back, it's always been there. I just chose not to see it. After all this time together, and with a lot of stressful times, all my barriers and false-security seem to have vanished, and I'm now left feeling lost and betrayed.
He's a good man, just can't stop doing all the things which come with the disorder, which now drive me almost insane.

I've tried to tell him how I feel, but he usually doesn't take any of it in, and if he does manage to absorb a little bit of my feelings, any change is only there for a few days till he reverts to his usual behaviour.

I feel so betrayed because things just haven't turned out how I expected them to. I know that sounds mean and selfish, but I am so tired and confused with living with a man who acts erratic most of the time.

Do others find that they tend to have to deal with their spouse as a child rather than a spouse? I have to constantly remind him of things, try to divert him from continuing to do things which aren't appropriate at the time,
repeat myself several times every time I say something to him, because his mind was elsewhere. He always seems to have his mind elsewhere.

He's only been d'xed by our local doctor, who has referred him onto a psychiatrist. He's supposed to have started a special diet which cuts out foods and additives which make ADHD worse. I know he's sneaking sugary snacks when he's at work...he works at a school as the cleaner.
He will often come home all hyped up and silly, and I just can't deal with him when he's like that, which is often. He tries to amke out he's sticking to the diet, but he isn't. When we go out to friends homes, he makes a real thing of saying that I won't allow him to have foods he likes (he means sugary things).
Is there any way to relieve my anxiety? I am already on anxiety/depression meds, and I just don't know where to go from here.
Sorry this is so long. I've never been able to vent before.
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Old 06-08-05, 08:43 PM
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crime_scene crime_scene is offline
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Maggie,

Venting is sometimes a very necessary thing, or as I like to call it: sharing my thoughts.

Seriously though, I'm glad you came here because the folks here are so great, and many have experienced very much what you've been going through.

You've asked about relieving your anxiety and I think there are a number of things you can consider, and you might get some additional ideas from other readers as well:

You mentioned that you have tried to tell your husband how you feel and what you need him to do but this has not been successful, and as well there are some other concerns you have. I wonder if you might try a marriage/relationship counselling, especially with ADD expertise, to help both of you communicate successfully and deal with some of these issues.

I've done a lot of reading on the subject and one thing that jumped out at me is the tendency for the non-ADD partner ending up being a mother role to the ADD person, even a care taker. There is an excellent article posted on another forum which talks expressly about loving detachment and this might be something of interest to you. Its a STICKY on Detaching with Love in the relationship subforum of the adults with add forum.

I'd also recommend, if you haven't got a copy already, a book by Jonathan Halverstadt called ADD and Romance, and it really talks about relationshiips in a very practical way and ideas. Perhaps your husband would read it too. Its a good read and was something of a revelation for me when I read it myself.

Any chance you might try going to a meditation centre and get some quiet time, learning and practicing meditation? There have been some excellent results with this in stress reduction.

Hope some of these ideas appeal to you or jogs another idea that might work for you.

do let us know how you are doing!!

CS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maggie56
I met my husband fourteen years ago and we've been married for eleven years now, after many years of sadness and feeling inadequate in a prevous failed marriage.
At first I didn't see that he had ADHD, but as I look back, it's always been there. I just chose not to see it. After all this time together, and with a lot of stressful times, all my barriers and false-security seem to have vanished, and I'm now left feeling lost and betrayed.
He's a good man, just can't stop doing all the things which come with the disorder, which now drive me almost insane.

I've tried to tell him how I feel, but he usually doesn't take any of it in, and if he does manage to absorb a little bit of my feelings, any change is only there for a few days till he reverts to his usual behaviour.

I feel so betrayed because things just haven't turned out how I expected them to. I know that sounds mean and selfish, but I am so tired and confused with living with a man who acts erratic most of the time.

Do others find that they tend to have to deal with their spouse as a child rather than a spouse? I have to constantly remind him of things, try to divert him from continuing to do things which aren't appropriate at the time,
repeat myself several times every time I say something to him, because his mind was elsewhere. He always seems to have his mind elsewhere.

He's only been d'xed by our local doctor, who has referred him onto a psychiatrist. He's supposed to have started a special diet which cuts out foods and additives which make ADHD worse. I know he's sneaking sugary snacks when he's at work...he works at a school as the cleaner.
He will often come home all hyped up and silly, and I just can't deal with him when he's like that, which is often. He tries to amke out he's sticking to the diet, but he isn't. When we go out to friends homes, he makes a real thing of saying that I won't allow him to have foods he likes (he means sugary things).
Is there any way to relieve my anxiety? I am already on anxiety/depression meds, and I just don't know where to go from here.
Sorry this is so long. I've never been able to vent before.
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