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  #61  
Old 04-20-17, 01:38 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Letching Gray View Post
Yep. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Step 10.) That's the daily work of doing inventory.

Step Four took me a while to do. It took time to recall everything. But, I do think it is intended to be a one time, thorough, entirely complete event, when finished compiling it. I don't think it was designed to force us to do it perfectly. We do the best we can and if we've left stuff out, we add them. It is pretty cool, fun actually. It is a major step in the process of getting well.

Is anyone interested in conducting this conversation under the "debates" heading, in case some would like to discuss the spiritual aspects of the steps?
[Mod note -- I'd suggest Meditation & Spirituality instead of Debates, since this is a practice/path that helps your manage your condition. - Namazu]
You could open a thread on it.
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  #62  
Old 04-20-17, 01:48 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
Hm... I yhink I disagree with whoever came up with these steps, at least the last few.

I would not be able to operate like that ie not knowing where you end up but just doing the right thing today and having faith.

First of all if you don't know where you want to end up then any path is fine and it doesn't really matter what you do or not do. How do you know what the next right thing is if there is no context and no goal to define right snd wrong. Dating, romance and sex are not wrong in absolute terms but they might need to be put temporarily on hold for a particular reason. This reason needs to be thought over and made explicit though I think.
I think both are right in some way. Letting go, not knowing where you'll end up might be beneficial. But I can't blame myself or others for wanting to know what the benefits will be for going through all these troubles. It's hard to put myself through the fire if I don't know what will be on the other side.
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  #63  
Old 04-20-17, 02:20 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
I think both are right in some way. Letting go, not knowing where you'll end up might be beneficial. But I can't blame myself or others for wanting to know what the benefits will be for going through all these troubles. It's hard to put myself through the fire if I don't know what will be on the other side.


I'm trying to restart this thread? topic? discussion? Herms on Spirituality and Meditation. I'm going to respond to this paragraph there, I hope. Just in case the subject of spirituality is of interest to anyone. OK? Still lubs me? You better :y es:

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Old 04-20-17, 04:54 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

One thing I can understand that my counsellor says is that if I would date I should find someone without all the emotional baggage. It would make sense because as the past have shown in different relationships with girls who had a lot of emotional and mental struggles of their own, this tends to be unstable.

But I think I don't completely agree with my counsellor about that. I think a 'healthy' person without their own past struggles will never be able to fully understand and appreciate where I am coming from, and be compassionate and supportive about it. I can sense that with family members and friends that don't have a past. I can see that they are totally willing to be supportive, but that they can't fully understand. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the life experience to understand to me seems like very frustrating for both. She will not understand why some things are and will remain difficult for me (for example I will probably always need to watch out for things that might trigger my addiction) and I won't feel heard.

What I can imagine is that I would match with someone when both can say that we have our difficult pasts, that is important for having become who we are when both are at a stage where they are able to deal with it. I think someone who has unprocessed problems will be a trigger for my addictive behaviours by itself. So that's not a wise choice. But I can't imagine being able to fully connect on an emotional level with someone who always has had it easy in life. (I must admit that I even sometimes feel resentment towards those people.)
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  #65  
Old 04-20-17, 06:34 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

No idea whether I'm on the right track here, but this song does remind me so much of my love addiction.



"I wanted to tell you, I wanted to share,
Some important details that you're unaware of
I want you to listen, I want you to care,
I'll choke to death if I don't clear the air
It's not a secret that I obsess,
And then I get angry, and then I get stressed
And you can't imagine and you can't compare,
You have no frame of reference and then you get scared
I'm doing my best to help make you see,
That it's not your fault, when I'll beg and I'll plead
It's much easier just to go back to sleep,
But we gotta find a place to start because I'm falling apart

I never feel happy, I never feel safe,
I can't let myself ever stay in one place
I look in the mirror and I see the face
Of a failure who will never be significant
The face that you see from the morning to night
Is the mask that I put on to hide what's inside
I don't take it off until you fall asleep,
I don't want you to see what live inside of me
I thought I'd get older and it'd go away,
But it only gets worse and causes more pain
And being alone is getting so hard,
I just got to tell you"

Especially the obsessing, the anger, the stress, the anxiety around being alone, the hope to just grow over it, the progressiveness, the pain. It all strikes a chord with me.
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  #66  
Old 04-20-17, 11:18 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Quote:
Especially the obsessing, the anger, the stress, the anxiety around being alone, the hope to just grow over it, the progressiveness, the pain. It all strikes a chord with me.
I assure you without batting an eye, you are in good and plenty of company
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Old 04-20-17, 11:40 AM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
I think a 'healthy' person without their own past struggles will never be able to fully understand and appreciate where I am coming from, and be compassionate and supportive about it.
I used to think that way, but life has shown me that it is otherwise.

A healthy individual has the best skills and resources from which to engage and connect with another person, regardless of the other person’s background.

Plus, in the end, I realized if I wanted understanding, that was something I had to give myself...the nature of what it is to be human guarantees no one would ever, or could ever, understand me on the level I needed.

What I really wanted was to be loved—for me, as I am—well and true. That transcends understanding for me. And I’ve found in being loved, I get all the appreciation, compassion, and support I could have ever hoped for.

And just a note...no one has an easy life, even if they manage to make it from birth to a ripe old age absent the experience of significant trauma. Thinking some do, and then resenting them, is a product of if-only/what-could-have-been fantasies combined with a good measure of identifying as a victim.

Ask me how I know this.


Best to You,
Ian
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  #68  
Old 04-20-17, 12:18 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by aeon View Post
I used to think that way, but life has shown me that it is otherwise.

A healthy individual has the best skills and resources from which to engage and connect with another person, regardless of the other person’s background.

Plus, in the end, I realized if I wanted understanding, that was something I had to give myself...the nature of what it is to be human guarantees no one would ever, or could ever, understand me on the level I needed.

What I really wanted was to be loved—for me, as I am—well and true. That transcends understanding for me. And I’ve found in being loved, I get all the appreciation, compassion, and support I could have ever hoped for.
In order to fully love someone there has to be some understanding, right? I don't think a person without some kind of background will ever fully understand someone like me, unless they maybe have a master's degree in psychology. How is someone who never had to go through major struggles ever going to understand that I need to go 12 steps meetings, need to be careful about dating, can't just enjoy a nice glass of wine with her in the summer, will need to be on guard about romanticizing about other women, need to be careful around unhealthy food etc.? All things healthy people never even had to think about.

I know how I reacted to a girl I had a date with who was just back from rehab before knowing that I was an addict. I got annoyed about her going on and on about her recovery. I was like: Okay, I know now that you have gotten sober, so lets talk about things normal people talk about on a first date.

I can imagine that someone would listen to my story one time, but I think anyone who didn't have major struggles after that would be like: "Okay, so your an addict, you are in recovery, I know already, so now let's talk about normal people stuff." The normal, healthy people around me in the home where I grew up didn't talk about that kind of things. Better discuss football, the weather, politics, that kind of stuff normal people are concerned about. I can't even blame the healthy girl for not being open to discuss serious issues. If I wouldn't be in the position I'm in I'd probably also get bored pretty soon with someone who often wanted to talk about their emotions and that kind of difficult stuff.

Quote:
And just a note...no one has an easy life, even if they manage to make it from birth to a ripe old age absent the experience of significant trauma. Thinking some do, and then resenting them, is a product of if-only/what-could-have-been fantasies combined with a good measure of identifying as a victim.

Ask me how I know this.


Best to You,
Ian
Oh trust me. I know a lot of people who have always had it easy in life. Best friend. Born in a stable family with enough money to feed the kids, loving parents, gone through high school in six years, finished master's degree in six, is doing a PhD-track now, pretty girlfriend and a stable relationship, singer in a rockband that is starting to become succesful. First thing that really was a setback for him was when his father got seriously sick last year. And because of his stable background he was able to deal with that by connecting with his family, talking to his friends and generally was able to handle the situation well.

He has a great personality too, so I wholeheartedly think he deserves everything he has. I'm happy for him.
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  #69  
Old 04-20-17, 03:50 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Or maybe I could get a mentally healthy chick, if she is really fat and ugly. But why would I want someone with who I need to close my eyes and think of something beautiful while having sex. Let's be honest: Which attractive healthy girl will choose for a sex and love addicted drunk over a healthy guy that is succesful in life?
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Old 04-20-17, 03:57 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
Or maybe I could get a mentally healthy chick, if she is really fat and ugly. But why would I want someone with who I need to close my eyes and think of something beautiful while having sex. Let's be honest: Which attractive healthy girl will choose for a sex and love addicted drunk over a healthy guy that is succesful in life?
I find this VERY OFFENSIVE! So a mentally healthy chick is fat and ugly? or only fat and ugly chicks are mentally healthy? or are you too good for the fat and ugly girls? The way you just wrote about women as objects is so beneath you. Im shocked really.
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Old 04-20-17, 04:00 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Hermus View Post
Or maybe I could get a mentally healthy chick, if she is really fat and ugly. But why would I want someone with who I need to close my eyes and think of something beautiful while having sex. Let's be honest: Which attractive healthy girl will choose for a sex and love addicted drunk over a healthy guy that is succesful in life?
I can imagine that there are girls who are not looking for Mr Perfect. I really doubt though there are many girls, attractive or not, who like guys who think that girls who they don't deem attractive are just universal rejects.
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Old 04-20-17, 04:05 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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I find this VERY OFFENSIVE! So a mentally healthy chick is fat and ugly? or only fat and ugly chicks are mentally healthy? or are you too good for the fat and ugly girls? The way you just wrote about women as objects is so beneath you. Im shocked really.
No, I'm saying a woman can't be both mentally healthy and attractive and choose for a sex and love addicted drunk over a healthy and successful guy. You can be offended all you want.
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Last edited by namazu; 04-20-17 at 04:06 PM.. Reason: Removed baiting comment.
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Old 04-20-17, 04:06 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

U.R.'s.
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Old 04-20-17, 04:08 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I can imagine that there are girls who are not looking for Mr Perfect.
Girls who can't have Mr Perfect. Why settle for anything less than you can have?

Quote:
I really doubt though there are many girls, attractive or not, who like guys who think that girls who they don't deem attractive are just universal rejects.
Well, I'm a universal reject. I have nothing I can prove myself by except that I can obsess about women and drink. And stay sober, a trick that's easy for most healthy people. So what?
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Old 04-20-17, 04:12 PM
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Re: Sex and love addiction part 2

Yeah, and maybe I am just ****** off at everything and in a I don't give a f mode. At least I'm not acting out my SLA or drinking. Judge me whatever you want!
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