ADD women feeling like the Odd Girl Out

[OpalDreaming]

Not sure how to tackle this topic but I think its important and will give it a go...

Its been really quite strange looking back over my history through the new lens of ADD and I wondered how many of you ladies can relate to being the odd girl out.

In primary school, I was the kid everyone hated. It was a particularly tortuous time of my life and it left me with very deep wounds. At 36, I still can't talk about it without tears. While there was improvement in High School, it was also a traumatic time for me and, by the time I left study, I had very low self esteem and a large amount of distrust toward women.

I have struggled over the years to find words to explain what went on - how it damaged me so badly - and I've sought counselling, scoured libraries and otherwise searched for a way - any way - to heal the wounds.
This past year I found a new book released on female aggression - Odd Girl Out. It gave me a lot of insight. Small wonder I couldn't find the words before. They weren't in our vocabulary. The focus has been from the male point of view, so far, and female aggression - the silent treatment, note-passing, glaring, gossiping, ganging up, fashion police, and being nice in private/mean in public - was not really thought of as 'bullying'. Of course, I'm giving a really brief outline here - there is much more to it. Oftentimes the blame is placed with the victim.

Anyways, it was a big issue for me that I never knew why. I could never work out what I'd done wrong. And, of course, being ADD, my feelings of 'being different' only grew over the years. I just didn't know *how* I was different.

Being diagnosed ADD has given me a lot of answers to things such as this. No real healing yet, coz its very early days, but at least I now have somewhere to start.

So.. I wasn't setting out to tell my story so much as I was thinking that maybe growing up ADD - in a world that didnt recognize it - might have created a similar problem for some of you. And I was thinking maybe opening a discussion on female aggression, in particular, might allow us to talk of solutions and ways to heal the wounds. A good dose of female nurturing from the ADD point of view.

Also, I felt this might be a relevant topic to those mothers of ADD girls. Whats it like in school now? Is ADD a source of bullying or is it accepted by the other kids?

Over to you...

Namaste,

Opal

"A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular."
Adlai Stevenson

[joanrdtobe]

Opal: Do you know why you were seen as different?

I relate to being "odd girl out". VERY odd girl. Today obesity is everywhere. Not so when I was in kindergarten and gradeschool and junior high and high school.....And I was an obese kid (which I knew about obviously) and I had ADD (which I didn't know about).....And so I was made fun of, harrassed, kicked, poked, knocked down, called every name you ever heard of -- you name it by boys, girls and yes even teachers had a hand in some of the bullying.....the teachers did not stick up for me or report it.....They were too cowardly.....

Plus like you I had undiagnosed ADD going on....so had a terrible time with reading and listening to the teacher for any periods of time....So yes I was Odd Girl Out for many years....I was the only fat person in my school for years....I was very odd....and very conspicuous......I felt self-conscious every day of my life and dreaded going to school every day of my life.

Over the years things have gotten better.....one thing that made it better was when I finally was diagnosed with ADD about 6 years ago....and the weight thing goes up and down....but healing the wounds....no matter how much therapy or counselling or books I read.....I believe the healing process takes a lifetime....it's a day at a time and I don't believe the wounds ever totally heal.....They just get lesser and lesser.....

You said no real healing yet for you...did you get any by starting this thread and telling us about yourself?? I'm glad you did. I'm sure we can all relate in many ways....

[fasttalkingmom]

Oh yes the Odd Girl out....That would have been me. Not in grade school but in Jr. high(middle school) and high school. I also still have trouble talking about the torcher some girls put me through.
I was awfully shy and got picked on for that. Teachers and others told me it was my own fault I got picked on and offered little help. I choose "my stomach hurts" as a way of dealing. The school nurse knew me well. I missed way to much school and fell behind. I use to dream of how I'd get back at these girls when I grew up. I had many friends but as time went on those friends turned away from me not wanting to take the chance of being singled out like I was. It all did stop when I was in my last year 3 years of school.

Funny I thought I'd gotten over this ! I guess I haven't.....

[Margreet]

Yeah, I was one of the odd girls out, in grade school. I think it helped that I was in Catholic schools, and we wore uniforms, so there wasn't much room for fashion policing. And I always managed to have one or two or three other girls who were true friends. They were odd girls too: one grew up to be a Lesbian, another gave her life to horses. One was a Trekkie who was in love with Spock (I was too) and is now teaching/consulting with behaviorally challenged kids in public schools.

My best friend was very bright, and unafflicted by ADD as far as I know, but she didn't give a damn what anyone else thought of her, and would beat the crap out of anyone foolish enough to tease her too much. She left here right out of high school, went to Evergreen State in Washington. Worked on fire crews, was a fire lookout, worked as a waitress and also worked on a lumber crew one summer. They didn't want to hire her because she was a woman, but she just showed up for work every morning with her lunch packed, until the foreman caved in. Now she works for the Bureau of Land Management in Idaho.

I was lucky. My bullshi*-o-meter worked pretty well, and with friends who were real friends, I didn't take the girlie-girls' catty behavior to heart. It kind of reached the point where if the girlie-girls didn't approve, I figured I was headed in the right direction.

[Margreet]

Me again.

It wasn't all wonderful, I still had to deal with the kids in the neighborhood, and my best friends didn't live nearby. So I was the Odd Girl because I played with boys, climbed trees, didn't care how I dressed, and was clumsy and bad at sports. I wasn't stupid, but teasing would render me completely inarticulate; I was never good at snappy comebacks as a child. All that was painful, and I usually felt better by myself. I got along great with the neighborhood dogs, too.

So in grade school I guess I led a double life. In high school I spent more time with my friends, and by then it was cool to be junior hippie.

Margreet.

[ferrette1976]

Hello!

This is my first post.

I can totally relate to being the odd girl out.

For me it really started in high school. During my freshman and sophomore years I belonged to large clique of friends. At the beginning of my junior year, I had a "falling out" with them. They treated me horribly. From then on I completely swore off girls. It got so bad that I switched schools. Unfortunately, the new school was no different, maybe even worse. I dropped out of high school three months before graduation. Not that I would have graduated - I had skipped school so much that I was way behind in my classes. It is painful to me- even to this day. I used to hide in the bathrooms to avoid the really (emotionally) tough classes. Most kids who skip school do it with a bunch of friends - I did it by myself to avoid the pain and suffering that was high school.

Even today I do not have many female friends. I have two really good girlfriends who I have known since grade school - but they live far away in different states. It is lonely. I think that I come off as weird to a lot of people. I can also be shy. People just don't "get" me I guess. I suppose that is why I am here today, I am hoping to find a few people that are on the same wavelength.

Diane

[LostandFound]

Yes, yes, and yes! I have always felt different and have always been treated differently. I didn't fit in in elementary school, jr high was torture - painful to even think about to this day. I tried everything to fit in, I was so desperate - and you know what that does to your self esteem...

I quit school in my sophmore year, I just couldn't handle being the Odd Girl Out, which was a shame as I feel now that I really had tremendous potential. It wasn't just the social aspect, but also the lack of organization, focusing, etc., etc.,

I have spent years looking for answers - therapy, countless books on low self esteem, co-dependency, but nothing ever fit until I was diagnosed with ADD and then it was all there, every piece of the puzzle started fitting in. I do truly understand your statement about looking back now and seeing myself as a person all these years with ADD.

Now, I am 39 and quite frankly I like myself. I like myself with ADD. I still feel different and I am different. I can, however, start to see what is different about me. I fumble around when I speak and rarely get the right words out. I have a gift of insulting people! I lose track of conversations and as a general rule appear quite stupid!!!! BUT, I know i'm not. I'm intelligent, i'm funny, i'm sarcastic and creative and fun. A lot of non ADD people are not and the can't help it!!!

I started working a job in January after being laid off for a year. The company I work for is large, 700 people in my building - a real stressor for me - riding elevators, etc. Not to mention it is a "high falutin" place." It is as if I have been transported back to the 10th grade. Gossip, and clicks (did I spell that right?) Very competative. It has been hell and I have just started looking for another job. However, this time it's different. I don't want to fit in and I don't really mind being the Odd Girl Out. I don't even feel uncomfortable about not fitting in. It's just time to find a place more suited to my personality. (if you hear of an opening somewhere that requires no skills, let's me be late at least 3 times a week, offers 5 smoke breaks a day, and let's me play on the internet - please let me know!)

Sorry so long - however, it appears on this forum you are no longer the Odd Girl Out!

[Keppig]

I was always teased because I was gullable and open hearted. I was used and used. And to make it worse I was made to feel very unfeminine... I felt clunky and was told I was Tom Boyish... like it was a bad thing. I normally only have one or two friends that are women, more guy friends.... not boyfriends however... sigh.
One thing I find odd: I have female friends online. Lots of them, why? Is it because I just can't read women face to face??

[joanrdtobe]

Kassie: Perhaps your "masculine" side comes out more in-person...(I think we all have both masculine and feminine traits)....in terms of body language, etc. BUT on line, your feminine side shows more and so more females are attracted to you....i.e. your open-heartedness, helpfulness, etc. and PLUS your picture really does appear quite feminine.....and kind which females like.....

I'll bet in time things will start to balance out for you more....more women friends in person and more potential boyfriends in person.... and more men friends on line.....Who knows, perhaps a potential boyfriend on line???

Just keep being YOU no matter what.......

[fasttalkingmom]

I agree with Joan, Kassie !

[Keppig]

Oh my goodness, thank you, you two!!!

[fasttalkingmom]

Opal, I just bought "ODD GIRL OUT" for my almost 14 year old daughter. She really likes it !

Paula

[maverick_princess]

I think I need to read this book.....because that's EXACTLY what I was for most of my life.

[Sc@tterBr@in_UK]

I can only add to the long list - I too was the odd girl out, not a tomboy but I preferred playing with the boys but was clumsy, hypoactive, didn't care about what I wore until I was about 14 or 15, got very upset quickly so was teased a lot but rendered inarticulate when provoked and so on!

Still no girly-girly (v. unladylike in fact) in spite of a brief spat with trying to wear trendy "alternative" clothes and use makeup.

The only thing that's stuck from that phase is dying my hair red

All the female friends I've ever had (not many, maybe 1 each in every type school I went to - lost touch with all of them - and none in college, currently maybe 4 in Switzerland and 1 or 2 in the UK!) were "odd girls" too - LOL oddballs unite and all that

[juju]

I'm 31 now. I was odd girl out until I was 17. And many years of that were just evil.

Things got better when I went to college, but I'd say it took 5 or 6 years before I could admit it to my current friends. I was sure they'd see the taint and run the other way.

I started to feel better after "coming out" about it. Turns out many of the people I admired most went through the same thing! And then I definitely felt better after my high school reunion. Talk about facing your demons. It reminded me of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode: one Halloween, everybody was haunted by a scary demon who was trying to return to earth. Well, turned out he got to earth and was around 6 inches tall. (Buffy stepped on him.)

One of the characters looked at the book with a picture of the demon and realized the small print said "actual size".