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  #1  
Old 06-29-17, 02:45 AM
doglover29 doglover29 is offline
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Unfiltered speech

I find the unfiltered speech very hard sometimes. Have been with bc for over a yr and he still brings up his ex and their past experiences when he knows I don't like it. It's unmediated Add but so frustrating and hurtful. Can their minds be trained to filter thoughts is what I am hoping someone has experience with

Not wanting to give up yet
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  #2  
Old 06-29-17, 01:19 PM
Librarian97 Librarian97 is offline
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Re: Unfiltered speech

What is he bringing up? Why don't you like it? I have ADHD and have definitely noticed my own unfiltered speech. A lot of times, you say something then think "oh, maybe i shouldn't have said that." I have done similar things with a male partner, where I would mention a relationship with another and I could tell it hurt him, but I couldn't stop myself.
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Old 06-30-17, 03:50 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

are you taking any meds? I have read that medication can help with this. its just irritating after over 2 years he will reference his ex and marriage in many situations. I have a past too but can stop my mind from going there. we are hoping the doctor will have some news for us next week
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Old 06-30-17, 10:42 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

Uh ... my advice is to not assume meds would help this.

It's one thing to have no filter ... But no filter for two years ... a person rudely bringing up irrelevant and destructive information in the relationship?

I wouldn't count on meds helping with that.

And meds can never substitute for confronting someone who is teaching you rudely ... and standing up for yourself ... and setting some boundaries ...

I mean, the person could take meds and then with no filter, blame you for side effects ...

Is this person grappling with the issue on their own? ... Is the person saying they want to change? ... are they apologizing to you for bringing up this topic again and again? ...

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Old 07-01-17, 04:27 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

thanks for your message. I was just hoping that the meds would slow his brain down so he could stop himself. he is getting better, catching himself and apoligising but even though they were together for 18 years I think its time to start to train himself that he is out of that relationship , he says she was abusive to him anyway, and leave it in the past. Its one of my pet peeves hearing bout his past cuz for me it keeps a person stuck and takes away from the future with a new person and does not seem necessary.

I am needing to understand what is ADD and what is not. I know memory is affected with ADD too so sometimes he will say he just forgets. Like when he was commenting on another exes facebook posts after I told him I did not like it and I also heard all about her constantly when we first started dating. he is the type who figures it should not bother me but it does.
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Old 07-01-17, 05:17 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

good luck!
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Old 07-04-17, 08:33 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

I only recently was diagnosed and began treatment with meds. That is good to hear that he is catching himself and apologizing. I think 18 years is a very long time. Even though that person was abusive, it is a lot to let go. In fact, if he struggles with dealing with the past abuse it may be even more difficult. I was also in an abusive relationship, but not for nearly as long, so I can speak from personal experience that it can be difficult.

Yes memory is affected. I know for me it can be like I forget, other times it's almost like I don't even know what i'm saying until it is out of my mouth.

I don't fully understand your issue with him commenting on an exes Facebook post though, unless it is something overtly flirty, you really shouldn't be concerned. Maybe he is friends with this person still? or will remain friendly if it didn't end well? What about this behavior concerns you so much?
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Old 07-11-17, 05:32 AM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

maybe you should remind him more often that you don't like to hear about his past marriage, or that it is not relevant at the moment and you have your own life and no need to bring up the past? it might somehow help him let go of that situation or treat it easier. 18 years is really a lot, but one shouldn't let it spoil the present. the past is in the past
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Old 07-12-17, 12:34 PM
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Past Relationships May or May Not Be Relevant...

I would guess you have made your feelings clear many times, so doing the same thing more frequently might not be the best strategy. Something is making him bring it up, and that "something" is not going away.

What about deciding you will do the opposite for a limited period and see if you can both learn something from this and whether you can reach a better understanding between you on it?

Instead of just reacting, try noticing when he does it? Is there some context where it comes up most frequently? Instead of being annoyed, try being curious (you can always be annoyed later).

Try asking "Is there some reason why this is on your mind (or why you're bringing this up) right now? And listen to the answer!

It's possible he keeps bringing it up because he "lacks a filter." But even if so, there must be something that is rattling around in his head before it comes out his mouth. Wouldn't it be good if you both had a clear understanding of what that "something" is, and what it means to him in the present? Maybe he has fears finding himself in some similar no-win position, maybe he is looking for reassurance or understanding. Maybe once you give it, you can both move on.

How could doing this be worse than what you're doing now? And isn't it possible that if you show more interest in why this keeps coming up for him, that you can have more of his undivided attention in the future?
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Old 07-13-17, 04:55 AM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

Unfiltered speech is one thing, bringing up the ex is another, and I dont think the two are necessarily related.
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Old 07-13-17, 07:10 AM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

I'd be fascinated to hear about the ex. Probably some interesting stories.
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Old 07-14-17, 03:22 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

I could understand his past coming up right after they separated but it has been well over 2 yrs and he still references his past experiences, its just getting old and irritating. I don't understand enough about ADD yet because the unfiltered speech is still relevant in my mind because if the thought comes into his head, he blurts it out well that's the ADD is it not? are you guys saying that he can train himself? he also does not want to really understand that it bugs me, he figures it shouldn't so that makes it hard too. I have never had this before really with previous partners
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Old 07-14-17, 10:37 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

sorry if that sounded harsh, I try to be understanding with the ADD but my feelings count too. if the unfiltered stuff bout his past cant be controlled then not sure this is the relationship for me
his doctor wont medicate him because he is an Alchoholic and drug user in his past too
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Old 07-15-17, 07:48 AM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

I think you have every right to have your feelings and needs heard. Its one thing to have adhd traits that involve putting your foot in your mouth or talking over someone or not being a good listener. Its another thing to keep bringing something hurtful up especially if you were clear that it hurts you.
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Old 07-16-17, 09:38 PM
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Re: Unfiltered speech

Agreed, even if he can't stop referring to his past he could at least say'i' instead of always 'we' did.....
I honestly wonder if this will ever change
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