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Old 09-18-17, 05:43 AM
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I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

I always say I have great kids, and I do, and I am sure I make it seem like I am some parenting guru and I know now I am not.
My daughter as slowly been doing teen things that have gotten worse over time and especially since she got out of the hospital in december.( she is 17 now)

This past thursday she told me she couldn't go to school because she had an appointment at planned parenthood (my heart dropped). She is on the pill and uses condoms(I thought). I asked her if she missed one and she said yes but took it the next day and asked her if she uses the condoms and she said "mostly". I assumed she took a pee test because I would have bought it or her boyfriend would have. So I let her miss school. She drove to the boyfriends house and said she had an 11am. I told her to text me when she got there and she did, I asked her to text me when she got back. 1.5 hours go by and she said they were getting a bite to eat but she said nothing. She came home and she wasn't pregnant and I sobbed but here's the thing: She never took a pee test, they gave her one there for 50$. I thought she had to get the blood test and that's why she made an appt, or an exam or something and she didn't even have an appt, it was walk in . I could have solved the mystery for 11$. More on that another time but she played me.

Friday she wants her friend Amy to sleep over and we said no. She asked if they could get Wendys and came home at 10. She told me they were in her car in the driveway which is fine. We went to bed.
530 am my husband hears noises by her car and sees what he thought were flashlights. He thought cars were being broken into. He grabbed a bat and went outside and it was her and her friend with the seats reclined talking! Sure, the friend didn't sleep over and we didn't tell her specifically to come in but this was a sneaky way to try and get around the friend sleeping over. We made her come in. She played me again.

Sat we had my uncle's party. I told her I was mad at her and we needed a family meeting but I wasn't doing it before a family picnic. Her boyfriend and my son's girlfriend were invited and we took two cars. She drove hers.
about 4 hours later she said the boyfriend had to go so she took him home. She stayed at home and texted us and asked when we would be home. She asked if she could sleep over with her friends but we said no, we were going to see a band when we got home and she needed to stay with her sister. She asked if the friends could come over and we said no.
We pull into the driveway as she is backing out and she said she was just moving her car up to make room for us. We blocked her in and walked 4 houses down the street to see the band.
We got home at midnight.

Husband checked on the other daughter and Becca wasn't there. She wasn't anywhere, and her phone was off so I couldn't gps her. We went looking for her. We called her boyfriend and he didn't know where she was. We called all her friends. we took shifts sleeping so we could see if she snuck in. We didn't get the police involved yet because until it had been 24 hours she would be considered a runaway and not a missing person.
She wasn't home in the morning. I can't even put words to the fear and panic an ache we felt. How bad is it here? She left her car so she had to be with a friend right? My son messaged her friend and she didn't know where she was. My husband showed up and knocked on the door of another friends apt and she wasn't there.
We felt hopeless.
Somehow my son tracked down one of the friends she wanted to hang out with the night before and the friend got a text through to her when she turned her phone on. They picked her up and told her she had to come home. My son got my daughter to agree and meet at a diner. He got her to agree to come home and talk in the driveway. Once we saw her we all lost it. Everyone was crying. She came in.
She had packed a suitcase and walked all the way into town to a "beach" along the Delaware river where there is a park and the riverline train. People meet for drug deals at the train station. Unbelievably dangerous. She was there all night with her phone off. She was terrified to be there and terrified to come home. Afraid to call us. Afraid of us to be mad, and no regard to the sinking feelings and dread and helpless feelings we had. The sadness and pain.

I feel terrible. She is already in therapy and has asked me to get in with her psyche and I pushed it off because of my health problems. She has told me she gets sad for no reason and that her lexapro wasn't cutting it. I have SEEN the highs and lows. I should know better. She has cried out for help in all the right ways and I didn't handle it.
Once she was home, she said she didn't even know why she did it, she said it made sense at the time. She showed me what she packed and it was completely unrealistic. She said she doesn't want to leave our family and was so scared we would kill her if she called that she stayed out anyway. Once she got over the high of sending her family the F you, she got scared. She couldn't walk back because it was dangerous. She hid and didn't sleep.
I have already taken her car keys away so she can forget that for now. I was so mad and so relieved and hurt at the same time.

A friend reminded me that I shouldn't take this personal. This isn't about what I didn't do, This isn't even about my daughter not getting her way. She said she had planned for a week to leave and I am SO glad she couldn't move her car out. My friend reminded me what untreated bipolar is like.

I know what its like. My daughter is exactly like her mother. I hate to say that. Its not fair to her but she is! I ran away. I took impulsive risks that all seemed to make sense, and never thought of consequences. I lied to my parents. I assumed that my bad childhood before my parents got divorced was the accelerant to the bipolar and that my daughter has a loving family and a totally cool mom so she couldn't have bipolar like me that I missed seeing. I wasn't treated until my 20's. I became an alcoholic. What kind of damage did I do while I was actively drinking and blackout drunk? Of course I blame myself, who wouldn't? I didn't DO MY F**KING JOB!
I know its not all my fault logically but I Can't deny playing a role in this.
I passed on the genetic code to her, I am an addict and she has been addicted to nicotine (she has moved to vaping). She has tried god knows what and put herself in danger. I wanted to run away, I was hospitalized. So was she. I thought my mom was too strict and hated her/loved her and so does my daughter. Who does she come to when sh*t gets real? Me. Who does she think will argue with her and fly off the handle? Me. She is Daddy's girl and more than anything I resent her making my husband so beside himself like I have never seen before. So helpless. Not to generalize genders but as a man he couldn't solve the problems and felt like he wasn't doing enough. I knew it had turned into a waiting game and he was going out of his mind.

I already called and left a message with her psyche. I am leaving a message with her therapist. She has to go to school cause she has Senior co-op and wont graduate if she doesn't go to her new job. We will be driving and picking her up from work.

Thanks for reading this, I have no idea what I am asking for but all comments (as long as they aren't nasty because I'll crumble) are welcome.
Love to all.
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Old 09-18-17, 08:02 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

Sarah, I have no experience with bi-polar people but I am raising a teenager and the first two things you mentioned I can SOOOO see him doing. The packing a bag and running away thing is extreme but don't be too hard on yourself for not seeing the warning signs of an illness. In my uneducated opinion, you are paying people for that and it shouldn't be on YOU! If you had your head in the sand that she was fine that would be one thing but she was/is in therapy and she was already committed once. You are NOT super woman, you are a mere mortal and you are doing the best you can. Be easier on yourself and harder on the doctors that you paid to watch the mental health of your child, THEY seem to have dropped the ball.
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Old 09-18-17, 10:52 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

It's very tricky to pay attention your own health and to your kid's health at the
same time. You've had a LOT on your plate lately, and it's generally a pretty
full plate at any time.

I agree with Caco3girl that you have been trusting the experts so this is certainly
not all on your shoulders alone.

So glad she wasn't preggers, hopefully she will be more careful following this
scare. And hopefully treatment will reduce the risk taking behaviors.
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Old 09-18-17, 11:35 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

i realise it's hard not to take these things personally, but my father was awesome and i still did messed up things when i was an adolescent.

i do understand why you're being hard on yourself about not hearing her that the lexapro wasn't cutting it and seeing her highs and lows. but the thing is, you'll probably not take those things with a grain of salt again. sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

but also keep in mind that if she's "just like her mother" that means she has considerable compassion and fortitude and she's going to be ok. xx
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Old 09-18-17, 10:36 PM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

I had to respond after reading this. I am not sure this is the right approach, but maybe you could try to share some of your stories/experiences from the past to make her feel more at ease and wanting to confide in you. My parents never did this with me and now when I see some of my traits starting to exhibit themselves in my own kids - sharing past stories seems to be the only thing that has worked.
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Old 09-19-17, 01:16 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

You have to put your own mask on first to do anyone any good and you were doing that by getting your health in order. A mom who takes care of her health is doing her job.
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Old 09-19-17, 04:39 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
Sarah, I have no experience with bi-polar people but I am raising a teenager and the first two things you mentioned I can SOOOO see him doing. The packing a bag and running away thing is extreme but don't be too hard on yourself for not seeing the warning signs of an illness. In my uneducated opinion, you are paying people for that and it shouldn't be on YOU! If you had your head in the sand that she was fine that would be one thing but she was/is in therapy and she was already committed once. You are NOT super woman, you are a mere mortal and you are doing the best you can. Be easier on yourself and harder on the doctors that you paid to watch the mental health of your child, THEY seem to have dropped the ball.
I took her to her doctor yesterday and found out I was supposed to bring her back in July and I had it in my head that it was September! She was last seen at the end of May! So this awesome mom didnt pay attention and do the right thing. In that regard I do not blame the doctor because we went over her notes from May and my daughter reported everything was good, school, the boyfriend etc. So I guess I cant blame the doctor for missing stuff she didnt know was happening. The therapist she has been seeing for 6 weeks about 1x a week and they have that confidentiality agreement where nothing has to be shared with me unless she verbalizes it like saying she is going to runaway, hurt herself or others. I am going to elaborate below.
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Old 09-19-17, 04:48 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

We have a good doctor. I left a message early yesterday morning and they open at 10 and called me right away and got her in at 1130. We went over everything and the doctor officially diagnosed her with bipolar. The hospital tossed that around but hospitals are more about getting you stable and less about getting you long term help. She is going to start out on cymbalta and lanictal-like her mom. I called the therapist and we are having a family session Friday night. The therapist said my daughter has been guarded with her as far as divulging everything and she had no idea that running away was in the cards. I got her a gyn appt for Weds. She is either getting the shots or the implant. I cant trust her to remember the pill and I dont need and impulsively made grandchild. I am going to suggest the implant because I dont thing the extra hormones from the shot is good for her now. I would prefer her to not even be thinking about sexual activity but acceptance of the situation as it is does not mean approval. Its my job to protect her and this is what I have to do.
I cant believe I tackled all that yesterday. Thats good work I guess.

But I still feel awful. I am so sad and believe it or not resentful even though I have no right to be. My son took her to work and she wanted the boyfriend to pick her up but those are not the rules so husband picked her up. She was crying about that but thats non negotiable for now.
I hope Im doing the right things. After dinner I went to my sponsor's house for a visit and then to my moms. I needed to get away so no one would ask me for anything and so I didnt have to make any decisions for a couple of hours. Is that terrible of me? All three of my kids need me and husband too, but I couldnt stand another minute at home.
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Old 09-19-17, 06:18 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

Sarah in my books you are an awesome mom and you will always be an inspiration to me. Even when things are not perfect. You are stressed, you are hurting and you are worried but you are still trying to do the right thing. You are always there for your kids. Even awesome moms can miss things and don't always get everything right. You might not feel that way but even in this crisis you are still an inspiration!!

Much love and best wishes to you and your family.
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Old 09-19-17, 08:55 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I took her to her doctor yesterday and found out I was supposed to bring her back in July and I had it in my head that it was September! She was last seen at the end of May! So this awesome mom didnt pay attention and do the right thing. In that regard I do not blame the doctor because we went over her notes from May and my daughter reported everything was good, school, the boyfriend etc. So I guess I cant blame the doctor for missing stuff she didnt know was happening. The therapist she has been seeing for 6 weeks about 1x a week and they have that confidentiality agreement where nothing has to be shared with me unless she verbalizes it like saying she is going to runaway, hurt herself or others. I am going to elaborate below.
And the doctor's office didn't call to set it up? You seem to want to be hard on yourself but I will remind you that being bipolar is a serious thing and you have had her in and out with people that have seemed to drag this along without a diagnoses or a treatment. Seen in May and not seen again until July??? It doesn't sound like they were taking this very seriously. Again, still not thinking this is on YOU!
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Old 09-22-17, 05:22 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

I should have seen things about to snowball. Daughter took whole bottle of melatonin and 3 trazodone.I didnt realize she had them in her room because we lock everything up. I was getting pre-admission testing that took twice as long as it should have but surgery is weds. She left a vague not and I drove home with her on the phone and she said she felt sad and wanted to sleep not die yet she left a questionable not. She says she will refuse to go inpatient so we will see. Went to a crisis center that her doctor works with but they were slammed. Even though shas medically cleared from the ER this hospital said she would need it all over again and there was no guarantee they could get her seen by crisis evaluator or get ahold of her doctor so we are gong back today. There is one place we want her to go but she has to go through crisis first. I wish I could blame it on school or social issues but it isnt the case. I have never drove that fast in my life trying to keep her on the line.Had daughter calln 911 EMT's were there and loaded her onto ambulance and I followed. Shes says she doesnt want to die but leaving a note is saying otherwise. Saying sober through all of this is tough/
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Old 09-22-17, 07:59 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I should have seen things about to snowball. Daughter took whole bottle of melatonin and 3 trazodone.I didnt realize she had them in her room because we lock everything up. I was getting pre-admission testing that took twice as long as it should have but surgery is weds. She left a vague not and I drove home with her on the phone and she said she felt sad and wanted to sleep not die yet she left a questionable not. She says she will refuse to go inpatient so we will see. Went to a crisis center that her doctor works with but they were slammed. Even though shas medically cleared from the ER this hospital said she would need it all over again and there was no guarantee they could get her seen by crisis evaluator or get ahold of her doctor so we are gong back today. There is one place we want her to go but she has to go through crisis first. I wish I could blame it on school or social issues but it isnt the case. I have never drove that fast in my life trying to keep her on the line.Had daughter calln 911 EMT's were there and loaded her onto ambulance and I followed. Shes says she doesnt want to die but leaving a note is saying otherwise. Saying sober through all of this is tough/
I chose not to drink after I turned 21 because alcoholism runs on both sides of my family tree. So, I don't know how hard you are working to stay sober, but I know you can't help her if you are not sober. Do what you have to do to get her help, but remember, she has free will. This isn't YOUR "fault".
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Old 09-22-17, 09:04 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

Huge hugs sarah and much love to all of you.
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Old 09-23-17, 08:35 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

After 14 hours in the crisis unit we got her into a really good place. She says she didnt want to hurt herself or die but it doesnt matter because it was impulsive. Thank God I put a lock on my medicine cabinet, I didnt know she had melatonion in her room. We had to follow medical transport there but it was such a better vibe than the place from awhile ago. We met with the clinican and doctor and it was 1am! Nice people. Wont switch up her meds without our express permission. Its meant for short term so right now the insurance approved 7 days. Beautiful campus that offered pet therapy and art therapy and structure, even the weekends. Honestly, I feel great today. I havent felt so worry free in a long time. I was able to sleep without any underlying fear. Especially since the place was so welcoming and not interested in keeping her, but interested in getting her well. I told the doctor she said she didnt need to be there and the doctor said she has heard that a zillion times from teens. Either way she needs to know that these types of things warrant immediate serious responses no matter what the reason she says it is. I feel really good about the whole thing, and relieved. Does that make me a bad mother? To be relieved that she is in a hospital and not at home? I dont know but the events of the last few days have been so hard for me. The worse part was the ER they do not move fast and I deserve an award for being so patient when I am not a patient person.
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Old 09-23-17, 09:48 AM
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Re: I think my daughter is DEFINITELY bipolar now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
After 14 hours in the crisis unit we got her into a really good place. She says she didnt want to hurt herself or die but it doesnt matter because it was impulsive. Thank God I put a lock on my medicine cabinet, I didnt know she had melatonion in her room. We had to follow medical transport there but it was such a better vibe than the place from awhile ago. We met with the clinican and doctor and it was 1am! Nice people. Wont switch up her meds without our express permission. Its meant for short term so right now the insurance approved 7 days. Beautiful campus that offered pet therapy and art therapy and structure, even the weekends. Honestly, I feel great today. I havent felt so worry free in a long time. I was able to sleep without any underlying fear. Especially since the place was so welcoming and not interested in keeping her, but interested in getting her well. I told the doctor she said she didnt need to be there and the doctor said she has heard that a zillion times from teens. Either way she needs to know that these types of things warrant immediate serious responses no matter what the reason she says it is. I feel really good about the whole thing, and relieved. Does that make me a bad mother? To be relieved that she is in a hospital and not at home? I dont know but the events of the last few days have been so hard for me. The worse part was the ER they do not move fast and I deserve an award for being so patient when I am not a patient person.
You are relieved that your daughter is getting the specialized help that you
aren't trained to give her. You're a good mother.

Very tough week here with my autistic granddaughter, but she's not beating
up her mom or trying to kill herself, so you've helped me gain perspective.
I think we've finally got it back on track this morning. So we're good now.
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