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  #1  
Old 10-19-17, 05:37 PM
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Question Dating ADHD Man

I have been dating a man who is a bit younger than me (he is 32 and I am 43). On our first date, he told me he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. There are so many things that I love about this man, but Im starting to feel a little crazy and triggered (i have anxious attachment issues). I think the biggest thing for me is that I am constantly having to reach out to him...of course it was not like this in the beginning, but gradually has gotten worse. He works a lot and is in the entertainment industry, so his working hours are not consistent. Of late, I feel like Im constantly being pushed back and it feels like rejection. I know most of it is legit work, but also that he completely forgets about me at times and doesnt respond to my texts for hours or sometimes days. As I am typing this, I feel so stupid, why would I want this type of "relationship". Well, when we are together, its amazing! we get along very well, our conversations and the affection and love that he gives me makes me feel so loved. He is always kissing me and holding my hand and I love the way he is so knowledgeable and humble and fun to be with...but I dont know what to do. It feels like all love and affection and then just crickets for weeks until I see him again...any advice is welcome.
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  #2  
Old 10-20-17, 01:17 AM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

If he views this as a serious relationship (does he? do you?), and if he knows that you value hearing back from him (have you brought this up with him?), then this is a very reasonable request that he should accommodate. Sure, ADHD might mean that he won't always respond punctually. But is his ADHD so severe that he goes for days on end without even thinking about you a single time? What is preventing him from responding to your texts?
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Old 10-20-17, 04:10 AM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

It sounds like more than adhd is going on. What I mean is, adhd doesnt make you rude and inconsiderate like this.
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Old 10-20-17, 12:10 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Thank you for your response Charles H. and Sarahsweets. I have a lot to think about..who wants to be with a rude and inconsiderate guy. Yes, I was under the assumption that we had a serious relationship and it seemed that way initially, but his work started to pick up (he works in the entertainment industry) and he did tell me that his work schedule was crazy. He got another job and has been working quite a bit and focused on his career. We talked about this and I was okay with not spending as much time together, but we did talk about how i needed more communication if that were the case. I just feel sad...is it wrong to want/need more than what he is giving me? how should I handle this..probably have to break up (if there is even anything to break up, im not sure, at this point)
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Old 10-20-17, 05:22 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

I have ADHD and I have attachment issues.

The question isn't "are you justified" in feeling bad and wanting more consistent contact and attention. The question is "what do you want and need to be relaxed and comfortable in a relationship?"

Some people know absolutely that they want children. These people should not marry people who do not want to have children. And vice versa.

Skip the "am I justified to feel this way?" thing ... and ask instead, "how do I feel?" If you feel bad about how distant this person is, then say so and act on it.

In my experience, any time I felt like you feel right now, it turned out that the other person wasn't that into me. And anytime I disappeared on my partner, most of them I wasn't all that into them. The other times, I was too immature to be in a relationship.

Feeling neglected or ignored is a loud alarm and a red flag that you want to pay attention to. Avoid talking yourself into pretending you are OK with his treatment. I was quite good at this, and nothing good ever came from it.

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  #6  
Old 10-20-17, 06:15 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Thank you ToneTone, I hear what you are saying but its really difficult because he came on so strong initially and whenever we are together he is very attentive and always telling me how much he misses me. He goes out of his way to make me feel special and comfortable and whether we are out in public or in private, he cant keep his hands or lips off of me. Our conversations and interactions are so amazing. Just really mixed signals. Why do that if youre not really interested. Seems like most of my issues are with texting and the communication in between our meetings. Uug. I know I need to let him go ...
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Old 10-20-17, 06:24 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Some other things I should mention...there are times when he does text me quite a bit and I love when he opens up about whats going on in his life (usually we do this in person, over dinner). But then other times, it will be like he is just gone. He will sometimes be gone mid-sentence when we are texting. At first I joked that it seemed like he was abducted by aliens, but now its not so funny.
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Old 10-20-17, 06:58 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Also forgot to mention that he is not on medication for his ADHD but sometimes smokes marijuana at night.

Last edited by peripatetic; 10-20-17 at 07:02 PM.. Reason: edited per guidelines: no encouraging/supporting (illegal) use of substances as defined by US federal law.
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Old 10-20-17, 07:57 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Did he provide a good reason to you for why he doesn't take his medication? And why he smokes marijuana, especially if that might make him even more forgetful? Does he have anxiety issues?

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe texts messages are boring for him, whereas seeing you in real life is more fun, allowing him to sustain his attention on you. If that's the case, maybe you can get him in habit of send you brief, loving text messages when he thinks about you throughout the day.
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  #10  
Old 10-21-17, 06:03 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Just remember:

Coming on strong does Not equal ... I want to be in relationship with this person.

He might feel comfortable physically with you and be quite attracted to you. That doesn't mean he wants a serious relationship with you or that he knows what it means to be in a serious relationship with someone.

Tone
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  #11  
Old 10-24-17, 05:51 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Thank you CharlesH and ToneTone. I appreciate your suggestions. I think Im done dealing with him. Its just too much work. I love his quirkiness and I care for him very much, but I cant handle getting just crumbs. I agree with what you said ToneTone, Just because we have strong chemistry does not mean that he wants or is capable of having a serious relationship. I dont know why I didnt consider that. I mean we did talk about it and he seemed to want it (a relationship), but I guess its not really important to him. I think he is being passive aggressive and avoiding getting together with me cause he feels like if I get frustrated enough, I will go away. Sad to come to this conclusion, but I dont know what else to think. Also he does pop up every now and then to tell me about his work and personal stuff...so it gives me hope. Just keeping me on that string, I guess...ugg.
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Old 10-24-17, 05:54 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

CharlesH, he stopped taking his meds becuase he says he cant stand the side effects. I want to help him and be with him so much, but its so hard to communicate with him, unless we are face to face and that is not happening much these days. I did suggest the short texts just letting me know he is thinking of me, but guess what I got...No reply..LOL. I miss him
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Old 10-25-17, 04:16 AM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperP View Post
CharlesH, he stopped taking his meds becuase he says he cant stand the side effects. I want to help him and be with him so much, but its so hard to communicate with him, unless we are face to face and that is not happening much these days. I did suggest the short texts just letting me know he is thinking of me, but guess what I got...No reply..LOL. I miss him
If meds aren't an option for him, he can at least try psychotherapy for ADHD, especially if he's using his ADHD as an excuse for relationship issues. It seems like he either goes for days on end without thinking about you, or he's purposely not messaging you in spite of you asking him to. Either way, it doesn't seem like a good sign. Maybe he just wants to stay friendly with you, but doesn't want a serious relationship?

If he consents, it might be interesting for you to talk to his family members. Has he always been this way? If so, is it tied to his ADHD, or is he simply just an inconsiderate person?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperP View Post
I mean we did talk about it and he seemed to want it (a relationship), but I guess its not really important to him.
If he only "seemed to want" a serious relationship, then he definitely is not ready for one. You can just send him a final message that says something like, "I want us to be in a serious relationship. Yes or no?"

You'll have your answer pretty quickly (and be prepared for him to say no, or to not respond at all). Are you ready to walk away from him if you don't get the answer you want? Otherwise, he's just going to learn that you're willing to hang out with him completely on his terms.

Last edited by CharlesH; 10-25-17 at 04:34 AM..
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Old 10-25-17, 12:22 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Thanks CharlesH. Im getting ready to remove myself from this situation. I do like him and wish him the best, but his style of communication or non-communication, I should say, is triggering me big time. I feel abandoned and rejected whether he is doing it intentionally or not. I have a feeling you are right that, even though initially he seemed to want a relationship, at least that is what we had talked about, he may have just said that because he knew it was what I wanted to hear...thats my feeling. But certainly, I would have rather he be honest. He isnt very assertive and perhaps he is being passive aggressive...

I actually went to see a therapist over this issue and she seems to think he is commitmentphobic and a narcissist (as was my father, and it seems a pattern of mine to be attracted to narcissists). Either way its bad news for me. I have tried to communicate my distress and I continue to get mixed signals of "yes, I miss and I want to see you," to not returning texts for days and/or completely ignoring the questions that I ask him. I was thinking about asking family, but am afraid that he would think that was being intrusive. I think I will have to move on and grieve this "relationship". I get attached to people very easily and its hard for me to say goodbye.
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Old 10-30-17, 03:32 PM
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Re: Dating ADHD Man

Just an update here. I was able to communicate with my (ex) guy's ex-girlfriend (seems we had a mutual friend on fb and I took a chance on approaching her since she was now dating someone else). I was hoping she would shed some light on what his deal is/was cause, as I was still feeling really weird about all of the double messages I got from him. Yes, I miss you. I promise Ill see you soon, followed by no contact for a week, etc. I was really shocked to find out about what happened with them...I know there are two sides to every story, but what she told me totally jelled with what I figured and what my therapist was saying so I did believe her. She said that initially he was constantly calling and driving long distances to see her after work. they were together for two years when suddenly, out of the blue, he just disappeared and wouldnt return her calls. Eventually he sent her a text saying that he decided he wanted to focus on his career and didnt want to be in relationship. Of course she was crushed because she didnt see this coming. she tried to call him and he wouldnt take her calls. She went to his place and his job and tried to talk with him, but couldnt get in touch with him. she said it took a long time to get over the hurt and pain that he caused and that her young (5 year old) son was hurting too at his sudden absence from their life. She said that she was further confused when her friends told her that he was back on the same dating website that she had met him on and that his profile said that he was "looking for a relationship." She was devestated. Then he pops back into her life about 4 months later wanting to "meet up and talk" and she said "no thanks" She told him that she had moved on and was dating someone else (which wasnt true, but she wanted to have nothing to do with him). Looks like I dodged a bullet. what a jerk
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