I'm so triggered by everything

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by peripatetic

what're you studying in school?

i used to be a professor (philosophy)

Health Information Technology.

[peripatetic]

is it possible that he was (awkwardly) trying to flirt with you?

i don't know that it's necessarily always bad to ....

i think my experiences have given me a different perspective on being physically complimented or suggestive questions.

my dearest friend ever...when he was hypomanic/manic he had something called hypersexuality. he would say the most graphic **** to me. he would post on here things...and i just couldn't be angry with him because it's...complicated. there was and is a lot of love there, though.

but we never had sex (i'm married for ****'s sake) and we never were going to (because he always knew that), but he was INCREDIBLY flirtatious. but sometimes people without much experience flirt and it drops like a bomb.

i'm sorry to hear that his questions made you feel dirty. you certainly have value. i'm also thinking, though, that someone who flirts awkwardly or is told women like a confident male, etc, or an aggressive one, will have their well intentioned flirtations bite them in their **** because it does trigger such sensitivity for some.

i don't know. if someone asked me that, i'd have a very different perspective.

but, in all fairness, my affect is flat as a board right now so it's not really in my wheelhouse to get attached to having emotions i experience a decided, and obvious, paucity of.

i guess i'm just coming at this from a more matter of fact position because i can't even invest emotionally in myself at the moment. that's what i meant by taking a step back though. if that makes sense.

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by peripatetic

is it possible that he was (awkwardly) trying to flirt with you?

i don't know that it's necessarily always bad to ....

i think my experiences have given me a different perspective on being physically complimented or suggestive questions.

my dearest friend ever...when he was hypomanic/manic he had something called hypersexuality. he would say the most graphic **** to me. he would post on here things...and i just couldn't be angry with him because it's...complicated. there was and is a lot of love there, though.

but we never had sex (i'm married for ****'s sake) and we never were going to (because he always knew that), but he was INCREDIBLY flirtatious. but sometimes people without much experience flirt and it drops like a bomb.

i'm sorry to hear that his questions made you feel dirty. you certainly have value. i'm also thinking, though, that someone who flirts awkwardly or is told women like a confident male, etc, or an aggressive one, will have their well intentioned flirtations bite them in their **** because it does trigger such sensitivity for some.

i don't know. if someone asked me that, i'd have a very different perspective.

but, in all fairness, my affect is flat as a board right now so it's not really in my wheelhouse to get attached to having emotions i experience a decided, and obvious, paucity of.

i guess i'm just coming at this from a more matter of fact position because i can't even invest emotionally in myself at the moment. that's what i meant by taking a step back though. if that makes sense.

Maybe it's possible, but I don't think so. He asked me at one point if I work out and I said I go jogging. Then again today he asked me if I work out and I told him he already asked me that, but I like to jog. Then he asked me that question. So, maybe it was just flirtatious, but I took that to mean he was really picky about appearance and fitness. I don't care if I thought my hips and thighs were the bomb, asking a woman that question at all, especially after only a couple days talking and all the other things he said to me, just seems inappropriate to me. I would not have asked about his muscles or anything like that. I mean, I think he should have been able to tell by my picture that I'm a healthy weight and there's nothing wrong with being super fit, but I just don't have the time to be at the gym all day, like he apparently does.

[WhiteOwl]

It's ok, though. There were other things that bothered me, too. That was just the final straw. I should not have let it get to that point, now I know.

[WhiteOwl]

I feel bad I brought so much unnecessary drama to the relationships thread. I'm legit crazy. Thank you to everyone for helping me through it. If I ever talk to anyone else, hopefully there will be less drama. But I'll make sure I post about it for free entertainment.

[sarahsweets]

You didnt "bring drama" to this thread.Life is full of drama and its ok. I think you are getting ahead of yourself. I think the idea that you had someone interested so quickly was intriguing to you. He said he was employed and so you felt safe that he didnt seem like a financial predator. It seemed to be moving smoothly even though you felt like there was a red flag. And then he asked you a physical question that threw you. Is it possible that he was just fishing a little seeing if you were the kind of person who would be flattered that he asked this about you? Do you think he was legit being a creep?It sounds like he was or had poorly timed ideas about sexy flirting and came off like a pervert. Yes, you have to listen to your gut but (no offense) your gut is broken right now.

You have just come out on the other side of a very loveless marriage in which you admit you ignored certain signs. Because of that your red-flag detector is going to be messed up. You could feel warning signs in your gut and be entirely misunderstanding them or you could be slapped with red flags and overlook them because you spent years in a marriage burying them.

I think trusting your gut is good but if it doesnt add up on paper right away I dont think it means you should run. Just take things as they come and when you are given a plain sight red flag that you can see and grasp, then run from whoever that is.
You might find that everything seems like a red flag and thats ok for now.

Just remember to hit the pause button. You do not owe anyone an answer or response right away. You can take your time.

[OyVeyKitty]

I'm sorry he turned out to not be what you were looking for, WhiteOwl!!

Please don't beat yourself up for coming here looking for opinions. I think it was a smart thing to do when you're still healing from an abusive relationship, new to the online dating world and haven't dated in general for a long time. Nothing crazy about that whatsoever! Like sarahsweets said, your red-flag detector could be really broken right now.

That said, his comment asking about your body would have earned him a solid block from me as well. It just goes well beyond my comfort level even if he's just testing the waters. It feels like the verbal version of making googly eyes and then commenting about what draws his eyes. It's objectifying. I feel like a respectful man knows that this crosses all sorts of boundaries. particularly with a woman who says she needs you to be patient.

You should give yourself a pat on the back for looking out for yourself, WO. I think you did the right thing no matter what his intentions were, because you felt bad and dirty when he said what he said and that's all that matters. Your comfort should come first.

[WhiteOwl]

I could have asked if he was just joking, but that idea didn't even dawn on me. I mean who asks stuff like that? What would I even say? "Why yes, they're quite nice. Thanks for asking!" I mean what a ridiculous question, joke or not. And after saying you want the same things I want, you want to know me and all that, to ask that question literally felt like a slap in the face. I can't see how it could have been a joke, but if so, his sense of humor is not my cup of tea. I want to be respected and that felt disrespectful.

I was starting to get bad vibes even before that comment. There were things that should have made me stop talking to him before that. I realize I was looking past stuff and that scares me. Ignoring red flags is how I got into a crappy marriage. I don't know if I learned my lesson or if I'm capable of doing that again.

[Little Missy]

eh, don't fret Owly, there are more than Thigh Guy.

I would have spun it into, "How are YOUR thighs?"

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by Little Missy

eh, don't fret Owly, there are more than Thigh Guy.

I would have spun it into, "How are YOUR thighs?"

LOL! He probably has nicer thighs than me, since he works out at the gym a lot. But that's another thing! His profile says athletic body type and mine says average. Shouldn't that tell him something? Maybe he should talk to only people that say athletic. I'm really not picky. The site asked if I would be interested in people with "a few extra pounds" and I said yes, because I'm there for someone's mind, not their body.

[WhiteOwl]

But he has kind of ruined things for me. When I look at profiles, I think "he looks like a nice guy", but then I remember how that turned out the last time.

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

It's ok, though. There were other things that bothered me, too. That was just the final straw. I should not have let it get to that point, now I know.

Please don't "should" on yourself.

You did the best that you knew with this new-to-you experience.
You learned some things about the experience, and about yourself.
Next time you can use that knowledge to finesse the situation better.

[aeon]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

So then he asked me if I have nice hips/thighs and I just started crying.

What a charmer.

To be fair, in times past women have assumed I was not interested/gay/neurotic because I didn’t ask about their hips and thighs online or paw them when I met them.

Because...that’s what guys do...right?


Well Wishes,
Ian

[Lunacie]

Also ... predator type guys are looking for vulnerable women, those who are
leaving a bad relationship and may feel like the problems were their fault.

That says more about "red flag guy" than about you. Of course you are feeling
more vulnerable and asking for extra patience at this point in your life.

[WhiteOwl]

The funny thing is, my husband always said he thought my body was perfect, even after having kids. If I wanted someone who just cared about my body and not my mind, I could have just stayed with him!