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  #1  
Old 11-16-17, 11:08 AM
Guajor Guajor is offline
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Unhappy partner with ADD suddenly ends the relationship, how to reconnect.

I was seeing a guy with diagnoses ADD and he suddenly and very drastically ended the loved up intense relationship. Now I understand that it may have been the downturn of the hyper focus. He told me how he feels so comfortable with me, he told me his whole life story, he was so intimate. He forgot a couple of times that he actually had prior engagements and had to cancel and alter our plans last minute and I was happy to accomodate, telling him it's ok, I'm not happy about it but I understand he had prior commitments. Instead of eating out I bought groceries and cooked a yummy meal for him. Peeled fruit and hand fed him. Bought him choccies and tied a ribbon around them for a little added sweetness. And he seemed to really enjoy all this. Then this was suddenly followed by 48hrs of no contact. Not answering my calls or replying to sms. Then I receive a text from him saying he's caught up with an ex and doesn't believe in seeing more than one person at a time. And he saw me hiding a pic of a guy in my phone. Just threw that last bit in.
He didn't clear it with me if what he thought he saw was true, which it wasn't, dating app notification appeared while I was using the phone so the message opened. And I don't believe that he's back with an ex cause they all treated him poorly, or so he told me, they al seemed to have abused him in some way, according to him. Could it have been untrue just as he thought I was seeing others?
Wel I drove over after a few days of him refusing my calls and texts. Was greeted by the ugliest and most disgusted look I've ever been the recipient of from a guy I was seeing. I said I wanted to talk, you're an adult, just talk to me. He's 40btw. But he flat out refused, "I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone".

I wanted to find out if he was worth me fighting for, and if not, to have my heart thoroughly broken so I'd let go. I thought I was content with the latter.
But I keep thinking of why he would've treated me so. Then it occurred to me that his ADD might have something to do about it. So hrs of research later and after my long-winded story, I just want to know, how can I re-open communication with him? It's true, I haven't decided for sure that I'm ready to handle what seems like (from online articles) inevitable cheating by people with AD. But I'm a sucker for helping and supporting others even Ive nothing much to gain. And more importantly, is that I feel there was opportunity there, the relationship could've gone somewhere. I'm a conscientious person and supportive and understanding and... maybe he really did just want a shag then bolted in a really ugly way...

So, your thoughts would be greatly valued. And thank you in advance.
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Old 11-16-17, 11:58 AM
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Re: partner with ADD suddenly ends the relationship, how to reconnect.

Let me give you the list for yourself to look over. In just your short post I learned that he is a 40 year old man who:
  1. Made an extremely rash decision over something he saw on your phone.
  2. Failed to tell you he saw it and ask you what's going on.
  3. Stopped communicating entirely without even hearing you out.
  4. Treated you worse than garbage when he saw you again.
  5. Probably lied about an ex to get away from you.
  6. On top of that chain of completely immature events, he initially kept canceling plans last minute, making excuses and making you accommodate.

ADD does not excuse being a jerk. A lot of jerks, however, do like using ADD as an excuse whether they actually have it or not. I would also like to add that ADD does not lead to "inevitable cheating," I have no idea where you have read that but I am really sad to hear myths like that are being circulated. It may be anecdotal, but I have ADD and know several others who do as well and none of us have (to my knowledge) ever cheated. Never let anyone use a disorder to get away with things you wouldn't otherwise accept!

I'm sorry you had to deal with that guy and I think you sound like a really sweet person, but you show some pretty serious signs of codependency here. Please look up some articles on it! It may help you protect yourself from jerks and heartbreaks like this in the future.

For what it's worth, even if he wasn't being a jerk, he has been pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with you and you need to respect that, as much as it hurts. It's the only right thing to do when someone asks for it.
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Old 11-16-17, 01:20 PM
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Re: partner with ADD suddenly ends the relationship, how to reconnect.

Hi Guajar,

I was in a very similar situation with a man that I was dating. He was totally into me, showering me with texts, wanting to see me all the time, etc. He also mentioned that he has ADHD. After a few dates, as I thought we were getting closer, he started backing off and making excuses about not being able to see me, too busy, etc. but then there were times when he would text me and assure me that he wanted to see me. when we were together in person, he would tell me how much he missed me. So a lot of mixed messages. Sometimes he wouldnt respond to my texts for days (this happens right before HE Tells ME THAT WE NEED TO TEXT eachother and stay in touch)

His behavior was triggering my abandonment issues...and there were times when I couldnt sleep or eat. I finally sought help through a therapist and am doing some work on building back my self-esteem (which has always been low to begin with). I just keep reminding myself that, ADHD or not, I do not want to be treated this way and that I deserve to be with someone who wants to be there for me as much as I want to be there for him.

Side note: I found out that my ex has a pattern of "ghosting" women when he feels trapped. I know its hard because you want to believe that what they said/did in the beginning of the relationship was "real" but please remember that what he did at the end was the "real" him too. And who wants that?
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Old 11-17-17, 06:13 AM
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Re: partner with ADD suddenly ends the relationship, how to reconnect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guajor View Post
I was seeing a guy with diagnoses ADD and he suddenly and very drastically ended the loved up intense relationship. Now I understand that it may have been the downturn of the hyper focus. He told me how he feels so comfortable with me, he told me his whole life story, he was so intimate. He forgot a couple of times that he actually had prior engagements and had to cancel and alter our plans last minute and I was happy to accomodate, telling him it's ok, I'm not happy about it but I understand he had prior commitments. Instead of eating out I bought groceries and cooked a yummy meal for him. Peeled fruit and hand fed him. Bought him choccies and tied a ribbon around them for a little added sweetness. And he seemed to really enjoy all this.
I bet he did! Did he do these things for you?

Quote:
Then this was suddenly followed by 48hrs of no contact. Not answering my calls or replying to sms. Then I receive a text from him saying he's caught up with an ex and doesn't believe in seeing more than one person at a time. And he saw me hiding a pic of a guy in my phone. Just threw that last bit in.
Right there you should have let it go. Thats a huge red flag. It doesnt matter if he was honest about the ex or not. Its a jerk move.

Quote:
He didn't clear it with me if what he thought he saw was true, which it wasn't, dating app notification appeared while I was using the phone so the message opened. And I don't believe that he's back with an ex cause they all treated him poorly, or so he told me, they al seemed to have abused him in some way, according to him. Could it have been untrue just as he thought I was seeing others?
Another red flag.He made an assumption and didnt ask for clarification.

Quote:
Wel I drove over after a few days of him refusing my calls and texts. Was greeted by the ugliest and most disgusted look I've ever been the recipient of from a guy I was seeing. I said I wanted to talk, you're an adult, just talk to me. He's 40btw. But he flat out refused, "I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone".
You shouldnt have gone over there but since you did and he said that you should have turned on your heels and left.

Quote:
I wanted to find out if he was worth me fighting for, and if not, to have my heart thoroughly broken so I'd let go. I thought I was content with the latter.
There is nothing to fight for. He isnt interested.

Quote:
But I keep thinking of why he would've treated me so. Then it occurred to me that his ADD might have something to do about it. So hrs of research later and after my long-winded story, I just want to know, how can I re-open communication with him? It's true, I haven't decided for sure that I'm ready to handle what seems like (from online articles) inevitable cheating by people with AD. But I'm a sucker for helping and supporting others even Ive nothing much to gain. And more importantly, is that I feel there was opportunity there, the relationship could've gone somewhere. I'm a conscientious person and supportive and understanding and... maybe he really did just want a shag then bolted in a really ugly way...
Where did you hear about people with adhd being prone to cheating? Thats false. I have been married for 22 years and we both have adhd and there is no cheating. There is nothing to handle and you dont need to understand why he acted this way. He doesnt want to be with you and you have to respect that.
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