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  #16  
Old 11-10-17, 04:22 PM
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Re: Do I need to label him?

Thank you ToneTone, I agree with everything you said. Its very hard for me to say no. I can say goodbye, but saying No, or expressing anger is very difficult...I have a hard time with protecting my boundaries...or having boundaries.Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, your responses help me so much...hopefully I will stick with therapy and learn to say no....get out of bad situations before they become worse.
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  #17  
Old 11-10-17, 04:30 PM
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Re: Do I need to label him?

y become worse.
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Old 11-10-17, 04:42 PM
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Re: Do I need to label him?

I don't think you need to figure out what label to apply to him.

But if you have a tendency to date the wrong sort of person (wrong for you) then it may help to learn to identify narcissistic tendencies and to avoid people like that.

Not to be angry or label him, but to correct a pattern in your life if you aren't happy with that pattern. (if there's no such pattern or you are happy .. then I'm not sure what your therapist may have intended.)
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Old 11-10-17, 04:51 PM
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Re: Do I need to label him?

Very good point Stevuke79...but instead of just recognizing the patterns so that I can keep away from narcissistic people, I think Im becoming obsessed and pulling apart everything that this guy ever did or said...trying to figure out what happened. its making me nuts
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Old 11-10-17, 06:04 PM
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Re: Do I need to label him?

It sounds like something I would do.. I have ocd tendencies.

I don't think it's productive to try and figure out on your own what's been going wrong or where u might have noticed something. Assuming you feel there's a pattern, and it sounds like you do, i would let your therapist lead the way in helping you find simple little things you can begin to do differently.
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  #21  
Old 11-10-17, 06:19 PM
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Re: Do I need to label him?

My father was also verbally abusive and I believe I developed codependency and low self esteem from the abuse. That led me into an emotionally abusive marriage where, like what happened with you, I was ignored. I also don't feel any anger toward either person because I can clearly recognize that neither of them intended the harm. I believe they were completely clueless to the pain they caused me. That doesn't justify the behavior, but I see that they have serious mental problems and neither of them are aware of it, which causes me to pity them a little. I have a few ideas about what conditions they might have, but not any label I've firmly attached to them because I'm not an expert. I think there is a narcissistic component to many mental health conditions, sometimes even ADHD, so your partner may have had some level of narcissism and it could have been due to a number of reasons, most unintentional. That doesn't mean they need to be labeled a "narcissist", a term that is probably overused these days.

The only thing I can say, is go with your gut and don't ignore your instincts with future men. Don't make excuses and accept things you don't feel comfortable with. I know that I am still extremely codependent and I don't know what to do about it. I have gotten better about saying "no" and speaking up for myself, but I am still such a people pleaser. There were a couple times recently where I realized I was compromising on my boundaries, caught myself, and then said no, this is important to me and the other person can just deal with it. It really is so difficult to decide if you're being unreasonable about something because it triggered you, or if it really is something you need to stand firm on. But the bottom line is, if it makes you uncomfortable, listen to that feeling, explore why you're feeling that way and see if you're compromising on something that is important to you just to please the other person or make excuses for them. One of the most important things we need to learn as codependents, is that we aren't responsible for other people's feelings or happiness and that if we don't want to do something, that's all the reason we need not to do it.
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Old 11-10-17, 06:36 PM
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Re: Do I need to label him?

Steveuke79 I think I am OCD or something like that..its hard for me to drop things...I feel like a stuck computer, going over things again and again. Eventually it will "click" It just takes time...I like your advice about focusing more on the pattern of behavior that I am accepting and letting my therapist guide me into a healthier way of relating. thank you! WhiteOwl, Im so grateful for your post. very very helpful...I think a lot of my problems come down to not trusting my own feelings and instincts...growing up in an abusive household where I was told black was white and white was black...its hard, even now, for me to trust my own judgment...hence Im always looking for the "truth" looking for "evidence" of what "really" happened.. uuug
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