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Old 11-13-17, 10:50 AM
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The end of my job may be approaching...

On the one hand, I get feedback from some colleagues who think I am doing a great job, that I am a fast learner. I am the youngest person at the company, making it hard to judge how well I am doing.

Personally, I feel that I am not doing so great, and some other colleagues also seem to see that, though it is not clear what they conclude (their conclusion may be 'he's a smart young person who wants to go too fast, but is struggling to get things done' (the best case) or 'he's too flaky and we can't rely on him, why did the boss hire this guy?'. I have struggled with every project so far, however I did complete some successfully. I got pulled from one project which was not going great (I am new in this field and the team was not able to train me, because they were struggling themselves) and now another project is not going great as well - it should have been finished two weeks ago and I think I need two more weeks to complete it. I have to build something that I have never done before, but no one can help me because even with my limited knowledge I am already the biggest expert in this field in the company.

On the one hand I fear getting fired, but on the other hand am longing for it. There are plenty of other opportunities out there, I just feel that I am not in the right place. I am more of a team player and right now I have to work on my own a lot. If I would be on my own, but in charge of my own job, then this could work very well, but my colleague is the one who is in charge and he is asking things of me that I find hard to pull off right now; I feel that the learning curve is just too steep, and I feel trapped.

Despite all of this uncertainty, I have decided to work hard on building my life, or rather, I will work on it patiently, step-by-step, without giving up. I refuse to put my head in the sand and let my life go down the drain. I will also do my best at my job, I prefer to leave on my own initiative then to get fired (even though I get money from the government if they fire me). I feel like I can perform better than I did before, if I stop worrying about how things will go (which just freezes me) and focus just on putting in the time and effort. Even if I fail, learning to fight under these circumstances will make me stronger and I can use that in the future. I realize that I am not that stress tolerant right now, and this seems to be a good opportunity to practice.

Just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.
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Old 11-13-17, 12:43 PM
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Re: The end of my job may be approaching...

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Old 11-13-17, 03:37 PM
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Re: The end of my job may be approaching...

Thanks midnightstar! That certainly helps!

You know what? I actually feel great (now) despite this situation. I accept that life can take me in another direction (if this does job not work out), and that all I can do is my best. This direction can be a better one.

But I think that I do have a chance to get back to my job. I try to accept less responsibilities and I am getting rid of some things that I know that I can't do right now, and so far I have gotten positive responses (except for one, and I have decided to do the minimum work to satisfy that colleague so that I can finish it). I accept my own limitations, and in a way that makes me human again. I enjoy the little things more, connecting with friends and family, a cup of coffee, even work itself is becoming a bit more enjoyable.

That said, it may be too late. If so, I will deal with it. But I will stop fearing that I am doomed. Because I am clearly not.
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Old 11-21-17, 12:41 AM
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Re: The end of my job may be approaching...

My work is going well. As I wrote in my previous post, I chose to let go of my fear and just face what I have to do. Now that I have done that for a while, I am almost done with this project - I think I can actually make it.

Sure, there are some things that I have to figure out. In part I know how, in part I don't, but overall I (choose to) trust in my ability to figure things out. In order to do it, I have to divide my problems in little, logical, pieces and work through them one-by-one.

It may sound strange, but I am not ready to allow myself to feel good about it, because I don't want to lose my focus... but I know am glad that I am able to handle challenges and I am sure that I will feel great when I am actually done.

I think the danger of losing this job has passed. However, the reason why that's the case is that I am focusing hard on doing my best every day, not just at the work at hand but also at growing as a professional and a person. I still have a long way to go.

And I will do it. Even if I still lose this job. Heck, I may go somewhere else myself if necessary. But I will stop needlessly worrying about potential negative scenarios. Life is too short for that.
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