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Old 11-21-17, 07:21 AM
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Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejection

I am in my early 20's and I have only just quite recently been diagnosed with ADHD (about 4 months ago) and am now after a bit of a process have recently found a medication that works for me and has helped a great deal - which im so happy about!

However I am now in my much more rational thinking(thanks to meds) coming to realise just how much my ADHD has impacted my dating life and quite honestly continues to..

I have had a bad history of getting myself into seriously messed up dysfunctional romantic situations over the past 4-5 years,

Essentially situations where while It may start of for the first few months going in the 'normal' direction I would soon come to realise that the person likley had no intention of actually 'officially' dating me. Instead they would continue to hang out with me all the time, and treat me as a girlfriend pretty much when it suited them (which for the mostpart was all the time) but never progress beyond that. And just for context I will say it wasnt just a physical thing, if anything more emotional.

This has happened to me twice now, the first situation was ongoing for over 2 almost 3 years .. and more recently its happened to me again with someone else for over a year!

The messed up part of these situations was that while I was never considered good enough to be a girlfriend, but in both situations they would flip if they thought I was talking to someone else or moving on/losing interest. Something ive only recently fully acknowledged was highly manipulative. That whole I don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you mentality.

I am aware now more than ever that I certainly was a large part of the issue in that I enabled the situation to be ongoing over such an extended period of time - long after I was well aware of how messed it was. But I think as dark as it sounds I simply continued to go on with these situations because I knew what to expect, I knew it wouldnt get any better but I guess I took comfort in that vs trying to meet new people and having to fear rejection all over again.

And while I can logically aknowlege im not completley terrible im not a bad looking girl, im relatively fit, a year off completing my degree and have my own place and am generally doing well - its just caused me severe stress and anxiety trying to figure out whats 'wrong' with me after the situations ive been in over the past few years.

I just feel so defeated and paranoid that I will never be good enough for any guy. I know my low self esteem/low self worth(which I now see was likley greatly caused by my adhd) probably largely contributed to staying in those situations and unfortunately spending years being only involved with people you'll never be good enough unsurprisingly only makes that self loathing worse.

The issue im facing now however is these situations have instilled a bit of a complex in me given the amount of time I wasted on people who realistically didnt care about me, or at least not enough.

I am so fearful to even try talking to people and potentially meet someone or go on a date because I have this intensive fear that even if they show interest initially they will do the same thing, string me along and never actually like me enough and I'll just fall into the trap of wasting my time again only to not only be rejected but find out I was likley never even considered at all.

This is only made worse by the fact that in general dating in 2017 is just messed up! I feel like there are two extremes people expecting just sex and one night stands (frequently found on tinder) and I guess the situations I was in were an offset of this category the zero commitment casual thing and then on the other end of the spectrum the few friends I have who do get into relationships and go from 0--> 1000% so insanely quick. Moving in together SO quick, letting the relationship take privilege over everything else in their life including friends or outside social life, as well as work and family almost instantly/.

And personally none of that interests me I dont want some super codependent relationship nor do I want to continue with casual situations that go no where.
I feel like it seems so oddly rare for people to just be in a relationship and maintain decent independence but also being committed to eachother and taking the relationship seriously but just on a more practical timeframe such as moving in together after a year or 2 rather than like 2 months (not saying it never happens but I dont see it much these days).

I feel like as millennials its almost like we are expected to enter into dating situations blind, it feels like its almost not socially acceptable to communicate that you are looking for something beyond just a casual hookup without being branded a certain way. But similarly not saying anything and just 'seeing what happens' also seems to be a slippery slope in that you can be seeing someone for a while getting to know them to see what happens and be thinking its heading in a good direction only to have them express when you do finally enquire that they 'weren't interested in a girlfriend' and essentially hadnt even been open to the idea from before you even met.

And while I am fully respectful of someones choice to stay single what frustrates me is the fact that they dont communicate this, if anything act the complete opposite to this and string you along so how can you even weed out the ones who are genuinely interested from the ones who arent?

Just feels like I cant win.

So basically any advice for trying to get out and be more social/potentially date without stressing myself out? OR the more important question how do you even meet people nowdays?! Because tinder sucks, and similarly clubbing is a fail. and I have no real opportunity in my workplace.

Even tips to avoid ending up in situations like I have been previously (obvious one - stop seeing someone once its apparent they dont think your good enough.. aha)

Has anyone else experienced stuff like this? How do you handle it?

Sorry if this is super ranty and disjointed just a lot to discuss
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Old 11-21-17, 12:48 PM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

Personally, I stopped trying to find anyone years ago because I never found anyone who actually wanted me
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Old 11-21-17, 01:15 PM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

I was never lucky in relationship thing , i left my gf 2 months ago( we havent talked for 2 months ago i said nothing , she said nothing too)
Personally, i find it hard to explain my feelings to a girl , because i hate being rejected and i don't wanna risk it. So i do not make any move before being sure that i will be accepted.
I guess it will take forever to find soulmate
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Old 11-21-17, 10:21 PM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm 27 and in a similar situation. Dating is hard nowadays. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting guys know up front what your expectations are. I promise that there are some guys who want a committed relationship. I wouldn't suggest clubs or tinder to meet guys, but, perhaps, join a community social group (i.e- intramural sport, bookclub, etc.). A friend of mine tried speed-dating and met her husband!
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Old 11-22-17, 03:32 AM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

From my own personal experience i can say that ADD affected my dating history and relationships, and the people i attracted. I didn't realise it till recently, but here it goes:

Deep down i was looking for that one special person i would spend my life with, and build a beautiful life with. My core holds still a very romantic view on love and has strong values and deep emotions to offer.

But that wacky confused brain of me often mixed up real love and intimacy with intensity and thrill-seeking (which even involved a certain level of anxiety and 'difficult' relationships). Sometimes those relationships where not healthy, sometimes they were but then i feared a certain boredom (and in extension i believed that if it felt boring to me, the other person probably wouldn't stay interested with me for long, so i aborted relationships cause they felt doomed from the start that way.)

So, i can safely say that part of my relationship history and it's troubles can be explained from an ADD perspective, it just threw me off my core target.

On the other hand it also drove me to people that were similarly flawed, who were hard to have a relationship with, and although i believed them to be an accurate representation of the dating pool, now i realise that was just my unconscious 'selection', driven by a need for stimulation that could never last. All that was enhanced by a well hidden low-selfesteem, which caused me either to blame away all my relationship problems on the partner, or absorb all the blame myself and become a fixer/rescuer.

I can imagine that today, dating has gradually become another "consumer product" thanks to many dating services and social media apps. Many people almost seem to "shop around" to find a life partner but have often very little patience or respect for the "products" they end up trying. And we perhaps have the idea that a compatible partner should always be readily available on dating apps, and we forgot to wait it out till the "right" one comes along.
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Old 11-22-17, 09:38 AM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelangelo View Post
I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm 27 and in a similar situation. Dating is hard nowadays. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting guys know up front what your expectations are. I promise that there are some guys who want a committed relationship. I wouldn't suggest clubs or tinder to meet guys, but, perhaps, join a community social group (i.e- intramural sport, bookclub, etc.). A friend of mine tried speed-dating and met her husband!
Yeah I have come to the conclusion lately that theres really no way to fix the issue without being more upfront, but I guess I just struggle with the fear that will only heighten my chance of rejection. Then again better to deal with that as early as possible I guess than invest in something that may have never even been possible. Its just an awkward balance.

And I know tinder and clubs are quite literally the worst, and certainly not how I try and meet people (havent been 'clubbing in over a year- and even that was for someones birthday) and as for tinder its not something I use. I guess I was just expressing my frustration with the fact that nowdays with the ease of sexual relationships at the swipe of a screen it seems people are so much less accustomed to meeting people in a more 'normal' setting. And after years of isolating myself socially in general it sometimes feels impossible to make new friends etc.
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Old 11-22-17, 09:54 AM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeClutter View Post
From my own personal experience i can say that ADD affected my dating history and relationships, and the people i attracted. I didn't realise it till recently, but here it goes:

Deep down i was looking for that one special person i would spend my life with, and build a beautiful life with. My core holds still a very romantic view on love and has strong values and deep emotions to offer.

But that wacky confused brain of me often mixed up real love and intimacy with intensity and thrill-seeking (which even involved a certain level of anxiety and 'difficult' relationships). Sometimes those relationships where not healthy, sometimes they were but then i feared a certain boredom (and in extension i believed that if it felt boring to me, the other person probably wouldn't stay interested with me for long, so i aborted relationships cause they felt doomed from the start that way.)

So, i can safely say that part of my relationship history and it's troubles can be explained from an ADD perspective, it just threw me off my core target.

On the other hand it also drove me to people that were similarly flawed, who were hard to have a relationship with, and although i believed them to be an accurate representation of the dating pool, now i realise that was just my unconscious 'selection', driven by a need for stimulation that could never last. All that was enhanced by a well hidden low-selfesteem, which caused me either to blame away all my relationship problems on the partner, or absorb all the blame myself and become a fixer/rescuer.

I can imagine that today, dating has gradually become another "consumer product" thanks to many dating services and social media apps. Many people almost seem to "shop around" to find a life partner but have often very little patience or respect for the "products" they end up trying. And we perhaps have the idea that a compatible partner should always be readily available on dating apps, and we forgot to wait it out till the "right" one comes along.
I can relate so much looking back now I can see that I seem to seek out people who were in some way 'damaged' most commonly people with deep seeded self esteem issues and while their issues lead them to use someone like me as a way to comfort themselves and stroke their own ego, my lack of self esteem lead me to allow myself to be treated that way. Why commit to someone like me when you know Im pathetic to stick around even if you don't? Why give up that control..? When it simply eliminates the possibility for them to be 'dumped' - by being so open and blindly willing to be manipulated can I really be surprised that I was?
I know that attraction is likley largely caused by the unhealthy impacts of my ADHD on my mental health and decision making and everything really, I think its a common issue to lose sight or even never be able to recognise your own value or worth as a person which unfortunately when you have such a low value on yourself other people tend to form their opinions based on your own self assessment.

And while I understand your comment about finding 'the one' I am not expecting to find my life partner on a dating app, quite the opposite. I am realistic about the fact that even someone I date for a few years may not be the person I end up with. Im moreso just seeking a way to meet new people after a long stretch of self isolation caused by my adhd which had me wasting time on toxic relationships for way too long.

But its hard when people nowdays seem so reliant on apps, and overall hookup culture to even know where to begin. Because to be frank dating just doesnt seem to function the same way anymore.
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Old 11-22-17, 03:40 PM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeClutter
On the other hand it also drove me to people that were similarly flawed, who were hard to have a relationship with, and although i believed them to be an accurate representation of the dating pool, now i realise that was just my unconscious 'selection', driven by a need for stimulation that could never last. All that was enhanced by a well hidden low-selfesteem, which caused me either to blame away all my relationship problems on the partner, or absorb all the blame myself and become a fixer/rescuer.
I very much identify with this. I have also always been driven to "difficult" relationships because of my low self-esteem and thinking I didn't deserve people who treated me right. I also spent a long time blaming the other person for everything, before I realized my own symptoms of ADD and codependency played a big part in everything. It was like a lightbulb when on when I finally realized it. I hope this knowledge will help me to finally develop a healthy relationship with someone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeClutter
I can imagine that today, dating has gradually become another "consumer product" thanks to many dating services and social media apps. Many people almost seem to "shop around" to find a life partner but have often very little patience or respect for the "products" they end up trying. And we perhaps have the idea that a compatible partner should always be readily available on dating apps, and we forgot to wait it out till the "right" one comes along.
This is true, but what are the chances of just bumping into the right person, and how long might that take? This was my mentality after separating from my husband. I said I'll just not think about it, not worry about dating and see if the right person comes along someday. That worked for about a year. But when you realize you're not exactly a "spring chicken" anymore and you're not getting any younger, when the loneliness starts to feel like too much to bear, what else is there to do but start looking? Patience was never my virtue, either.
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Old 11-22-17, 05:05 PM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

Quote:
Originally Posted by EG19682 View Post
And while I understand your comment about finding 'the one' I am not expecting to find my life partner on a dating app, quite the opposite. I am realistic about the fact that even someone I date for a few years may not be the person I end up with. Im moreso just seeking a way to meet new people after a long stretch of self isolation caused by my adhd which had me wasting time on toxic relationships for way too long.
Well, perhaps the 'one' can come in a different form or shape then you expect.

When i met my the 'one' years ago, we were probably both running away from our own issues very hard, and we collided into each other like a fairy tale fire works.

And then all these issues that we were running away from started spilling over into the relationship. And we were caught in a downward spiral where we were just figuring out what issues were who's, as we often tended to project and blame our own problems onto eachother, and act out years of boiled up frustrations.

It took quite a few traumatic moments to go through before we started to clearly own our own end of the street, and really face our own individual issues. We nearly lost eachother in that, it was painfull to go through, having mirrors put so sharply on our own weaknesses and failures.

But we are now coming through at the other end, as people who see themselves as an unfinished work in progress, moving beyond all the judgements and accepting eachothers struggles way better then before. We both have gained so much self awareness through eachother.

We know eachothers core, the reasons why we haven't always been able to live by that core, even going against it sometimes, and now on our way to both do the work that is needed to live from the core.

So, the 'one' may not be the one that just makes your days from now till eternity one big party.

Perhaps the 'one' is that person that motivates you most to grow beyond yourself.
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Old 11-23-17, 06:11 AM
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Re: Dating in 2017 seems impossible, Staying in bad situations to avoid fresh rejecti

I honestly feel bad for millenials or anyone that has to date now. Its all so fast paced as if there is a finite amount of partners out there. The pressure has to be tough.
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