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Old 11-24-17, 07:01 AM
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16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

Just because I am an alcoholic doesnt mean I am the alcohol police or a prude. My cousin and his family were at Thanksgiving and i noticed his 16 year old daughter had herself a bottle cozi with alcohol. I am not talking about a sip of wine at dinner or celebrating a wedding I am talking about multiple "coca cola with jack daniels" wine cooler things.

I noticed it and slowly my husband and other kids did too. I get along with her Dad-my cousin, and I honestly cant stand his wife. She has turned the mother daughter thing into BFF territory with the daughter. My mom was super busy doing all the work so this was brought up later. But it bugged me. How rude to assume my mom would be ok with this. I have a 17 yearn old with a list of troubles so how do I know she didnt have some?

I mean her parents brought this girl her own stash. I know she is not my kid to raise but what gives her mom and dad the right to assume its cool and go beyond a glass of wine at dinner? These jack and coke things are meant to give you a buzz and from what I heard go down smooth.

Her dad justified it by saying if he allows it she will be safe and wont go wild when she is a legal adult. Is this true? Is my problem with alcohol making me some stick up the as* person who thinks everyone will have a problem? It set a bad example for my underage girls but I cant very well fight about it and ruin thanksgiving. I seemed to be in the minority other than my nuclear family. What do you all think?
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Old 11-24-17, 09:00 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

I see two sides to this coin, really. On one hand, yes, letting her drink in front of her parents does mean that she doesn't need to hide her behavior so they can better monitor her and teach her to drink more safely. At that age I was already allowed to drink, but I started much earlier and really didn't care whether I was allowed to or not. I still did it. When I was finally allowed to I didn't drink as much (but still plenty) because it wasn't as exciting. It's worth noting that drinking culture is pretty bad here in Finland and most of my peers started drinking at around 13 (and that's also when I was first allowed to,) also the legal age is 18 here.

On the other hand, allowing her to drink right now sends the message that it's OK. It's not OK, she's not legally allowed to drink. Period. They are essentially telling her that it's fine to break the law when it suits you if you think you're not hurting anyone. Just plain not a good idea. It's even worse that she's having Jack and coke, not just a beer or a glass of wine! On top of that, she was allowed to drink in front of your underage daughters as well, even though her parents presumably knew about your history and the fact that you don't let your daughters drink yet.

My opinion? If they want to let her drink to get it out of her system, they should at least keep it to situations where others aren't influenced by it. I consider it really bad form to let her drink like that in front of your underage (and teenage?) daughters. This, without even taking into account your own past. You have every right to be upset if you ask me!

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Old 11-24-17, 09:36 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

I started drinking at around 13. Not because my parents let me, but because I hung out with people who looked older than they were and they could quite easily get their hands on alcohol in certain stores.

Is the alcohol culture over there really so different to how it is here? I find it hard to believe.
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Old 11-24-17, 09:40 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

Also, how do you know that your own kids don't drink when they aren't in your company? Teenagers and young adults will break the law, more for the thrill of doing so than anything else. It's just not that uncommon at all.
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Old 11-24-17, 11:23 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

I wasn't allowed to even look at it when I was younger, so that drove me to drink every f'n drop of it I could find as soon as I was out of my parents sight...and that became a new goal for many of my teenage years....seeking substances to numb all the different flavors of pain I experienced.

I feel very similar feelings when I see folks feeding their kids animal flesh and by-products and artificial colors/flavors/sweeteners/etc..which will eventually create hellish health consequences of many varieties the longer they consume them...but all of that is legal and taught to be very necessary and expected at least three times a day, so I don't get to say much about it, regardless of who it is or how deeply I care about them.

To each their own, no matter how much it plucks our nerves, harms other living things, and/or effects the mental and physical health of loved ones. People only learn on their own terms, not mine.
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Old 11-24-17, 12:23 PM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

Wow that's tough !
I can't say i'm for it ( and especially in a family dinner situation), but the consaquences of strictly forbidding alchohol to a teenager who wants it, and will find a way to get it anyway, could be worse than providing a stash.

I think the binge drinking kind of thing is less of a problem here in France as alchohol is not taboo; in big dinner situations, you will move from the "kid's table" at say 14 and at 16 may be offered wine and/ or a drink with appetizers; the meal lasts a very long time and it's quite acceptable for everyone to be drinking moderately through the meal.(of course this can get out of hand quickly, but that's a seperate issue).

before the meal the adults are served a drink and appetizers and the kids table usually gets their own appetizers ( and usually also more chips and crackers), and are served a "drink" out of a little selection of sodas and juice.
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Old 11-24-17, 02:04 PM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

This is foolish. 21 isn't a magical age.. it's actually a developmental milestone. At 16 children are still developing and creating the habits and patterns they will use their whole lives.

Once they've done that (I think its sometime between 20 and 25).. they can safely introduce activities with less risk that they become a person's life long fundamental coping strategies. (Alcohol and other chemicals, ****** up R rated movies, social media, sex..these are all quick fix ways to get dopamine ... That should be enjoyed only after you become a healthy adult with already established coping mechanisms).
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Old 11-24-17, 02:08 PM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Her dad justified it by saying if he allows it she will be safe and wont go wild when she is a legal adult. Is this true?
Will he put that in writing??

I swear .. I have compliance up the **** bc I handle people's money... But to handle children .. you can say whatever you want.
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Old 11-24-17, 03:12 PM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

It's a tough one but my first thoughts are:

1. Yes drinking with your parents is definitely more likely to teach you responsible drinking than if your parents forbade it. However responsible drinking probably means that 3 JDs are too much. Alcohol is a funny one because it is actually surprisingly damaging but so culturally accepted. As far as I know though the most damaging is binge drinking so that's definitely something that they shouldn't encourage their kids to do..even in their presence.

2. The legal age to drink under parental supervision in the UK is 16 so I highly doubt it's illegal In the US. I also can't imaging anyone actually waiting till they are 21. If I was a parent I would probably introduce it earlier...

3. I'm sorry if I've missed this part but do they know you have a problem with alcohol? Have you told them explicitly that they can't drink around you? If yes it's pretty crappy to do it anyway.(reading again though if I understand correctly this is not what you had a problem with I think).

4. To be honest I don't think you can expect them to not drink just because you've got underage kids there even if they are of the same age. To allow your child to drink is very personal so in this instance I'd say they don't have to consider every other person who is there. To let your child get ****** however is a different issue...and yes that's pretty objectionable but mostly because it's dangerous and unhealthy for them...and yes if they were unruly then it's rude to your mom.

However if they set a bad example then maybe that's an opportunity to talk about it with your kids and why you'd like them to operate differently. I'm not sure you can expect others to set the examples that you approve of though.

In fact this might actually be a blessing in disguise because here is a situation you can discuss with your kids. I'm sure they see countless friends and acquaintances getting ****** when you are not around.
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Old 11-25-17, 08:08 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
I started drinking at around 13. Not because my parents let me, but because I hung out with people who looked older than they were and they could quite easily get their hands on alcohol in certain stores.

Is the alcohol culture over there really so different to how it is here? I find it hard to believe.
Its not about if she or my kids have had alcohol before. Its about this girl's parents assuming my mom was ok with it and that it wouldnt affect anyone else but her.q
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Old 11-25-17, 08:15 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
Also, how do you know that your own kids don't drink when they aren't in your company? Teenagers and young adults will break the law, more for the thrill of doing so than anything else. It's just not that uncommon at all.
Of course my kids have drank before. Our rule is no matter what you have been doing or a friend has been doing, no one is to try and drive home themselves or with a friend and we will come pick them up, no questions.

We want kids that are alive, not kids that are afraid to get grounded and have a horrible car accident. We have done this before.
I am well aware that my kids probably drank/drink underage and that its not uncommon.
My issue is this 16 year old's parents had wine coolers and jack&cokes for her in the car and she had one of those bottle cozis as if that would hide it. This goes beyond the European model of wine with meals or celebrations like weddings. They wanted this girl to get buzzed.
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Old 11-25-17, 08:22 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
It's a tough one but my first thoughts are:

1. Yes drinking with your parents is definitely more likely to teach you responsible drinking than if your parents forbade it. However responsible drinking probably means that 3 JDs are too much. Alcohol is a funny one because it is actually surprisingly damaging but so culturally accepted. As far as I know though the most damaging is binge drinking so that's definitely something that they shouldn't encourage their kids to do..even in their presence.
4 wine coolers and also Jack and cokes does not teach responsibility.


Quote:
3. I'm sorry if I've missed this part but do they know you have a problem with alcohol? Have you told them explicitly that they can't drink around you? If yes it's pretty crappy to do it anyway.(reading again though if I understand correctly this is not what you had a problem with I think).
My alcoholism is my problem and I would never expect others to modify their habits cause of me. I live in the real world and it is everywhere, I am on solid ground so I wasnt worried about drinking going on around me,


Quote:
4. To be honest I don't think you can expect them to not drink just because you've got underage kids there even if they are of the same age. To allow your child to drink is very personal so in this instance I'd say they don't have to consider every other person who is there. To let your child get ****** however is a different issue...and yes that's pretty objectionable but mostly because it's dangerous and unhealthy for them...and yes if they were unruly then it's rude to your mom.
Its not about the adults. Many of them were drinking and having a blast. Its about having this girl go to the car to get her alcohol and hide it while drinking.
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Old 11-25-17, 08:37 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
4 wine coolers and also Jack and cokes does not teach responsibility.



My alcoholism is my problem and I would never expect others to modify their habits cause of me. I live in the real world and it is everywhere, I am on solid ground so I wasnt worried about drinking going on around me,



Its not about the adults. Many of them were drinking and having a blast. Its about having this girl go to the car to get her alcohol and hide it while drinking.
Yes that was my point.ifc you are teaching children responsible drinking then don't teach them to binge drink.

Regarding your last para if it was my child I wouldn't like that but unless this girl was unruly or unless your mum explicitly said she didn't want drinking or anyone getting drink I think it's between the girl and her parents.

(Sorry I'm in my phone so can't quote para by para)
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Old 11-25-17, 11:08 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

For me, it doesn't matter what I think.

Other people's kids, their business, not mine, and I respect that boundary.

Thinking I know better or that my judgment is applicable means I've got more to worry about than someone drinking, and it would behoove me to be responsible for myself and own my own **** before worrying about anyone else's.


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Old 11-25-17, 11:14 AM
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Re: 16 year old cousin allowed to drink at Thanksgiving

Low class. Not my problem but I wouldn't hang around to see it.
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