Frustrated Frenzy

[HurryCurry]

I've been with my significant other for almost a year now. He was diagnosed with ADHD sometime during his high school years and is in his mid 30's. I do not have ADD or ADHD-I'm in my late 20's.

At this point I don't know what to do. I've exhausted myself reading about ADHD, watching videos, but I have yet to ask and hear back from those who are in similar shoes as me.

So, here goes:

He works A LOT-and I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't feel neglected when he gets back so late I have to reheat dinner or cancel reservations. I've asked him about going somewhere together-a roadtrip, traveling, etc. He'll say okay but work has to settle down first. However, when friends visit from out of town he'll clear his schedule in advance so he has time to show them around. He'll pretty much be their tour guide for days, take them places he's never taken me, and won't actively invite me so if I were to join in I'd feel as though I'm imposing. Is this because he can't focus on his friends and me? Or because I'm not stimulating/"new" anymore?

Also, it's as if he no empathy. at all. whatsoever. He vacationed for 3 weeks without me during summer break and didn't tell me about it until he was a week away from leaving. Afterwards we talked about traveling together so he said we could spend Thanksgiving in the east coast. I asked him about the flight dates/times on multiple occasions leading up to Thanksgiving week because I wasn't sure if I would be able to afford it. Sure enough, by the time he told me it was a week before the holiday and each ticket was well over 1k. So, for our first Thanksgiving, we were apart...towards the end of him being in the East coast I texted him I was feeling frustrated and hurt. It seemed to trigger him and he was angry at me for days. He later said it was because I didn't respond to his texts right away. I was manic-depression, anxiety, and trying so hard so he could understand why responding to his texts was so difficult. He kept focusing on the texts instead of the bigger picture-the circumstance, how we were apart, how I tried to prevent the situation that ended up happening. Is this the ADHD? Or something else?

Any feedback, insight, or advice is much appreciated and thank you in advance!

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by HurryCurry

He works A LOT-and I'm perfectly fine with that. I don't feel neglected when he gets back so late I have to reheat dinner or cancel reservations. I've asked him about going somewhere together-a roadtrip, traveling, etc. He'll say okay but work has to settle down first. However, when friends visit from out of town he'll clear his schedule in advance so he has time to show them around. He'll pretty much be their tour guide for days, take them places he's never taken me, and won't actively invite me so if I were to join in I'd feel as though I'm imposing. Is this because he can't focus on his friends and me? Or because I'm not stimulating/"new" anymore?

Do you live together? Cause if you do and he does that without including you its rude.

Also, it's as if he no empathy. at all. whatsoever. He vacationed for 3 weeks without me during summer break and didn't tell me about it until he was a week away from leaving. Afterwards we talked about traveling together so he said we could spend Thanksgiving in the east coast. I asked him about the flight dates/times on multiple occasions leading up to Thanksgiving week because I wasn't sure if I would be able to afford it. Sure enough, by the time he told me it was a week before the holiday and each ticket was well over 1k. So, for our first Thanksgiving, we were apart...towards the end of him being in the East coast I texted him I was feeling frustrated and hurt. It seemed to trigger him and he was angry at me for days. He later said it was because I didn't respond to his texts right away. I was manic-depression, anxiety, and trying so hard so he could understand why responding to his texts was so difficult. He kept focusing on the texts instead of the bigger picture-the circumstance, how we were apart, how I tried to prevent the situation that ended up happening. Is this the ADHD? Or something else?

Sorry but he is not good for you.He didnt want to travel with you for whatever reason or else he would have made the plans. This is not adhd behavior this is someone taking advanage of a relationship. He knows you are there and waiting for him when he gets back from having all the fun he wants and knows your expectations are low and that you are ok with that. Its not ok and you are saying here that its not ok so he needs to be told its not ok and you need to find someone who wants to spend time with you. Its not lack of empathy you are dealing with its his selfishness.

[ToneTone]

Hate to tell you this but there is nothing to analyze here.

He treats his friends better than he treats you and treats them as you wish he treated you. Game over. Done ... Doesn't matter the reason ... It's always smart to start with Occam's Razor, the principle that when searching for explanations go with the most direct and obvious one.

In this case, the most direct answer (that explains the vast majority of cases in situations like yours) he simply may not be that into you. A second answer is that doesn't know how to be in a good relationship. And both of those problems may be at work.

ADHD does not cause us to treat our romantic partners worse than we treat our friends. The main way ADHD led me to act as your partner is reacting is that the condition stunted my maturity and my self-awareness and my social skills. Also, the condition affected me because I would impulsively get into relationships with people I really wasn't that into.

Say goodbye to this guy. Find someone who responds to you as you want them to respond.

If you stay in the relationship, all you're doing is compromising and going along with his mistreatment. Every day you stay with him is a day he will conclude that he can treat you any old way, because you'll always stay around.

I've been both sides of this equation.

Tone

[SuperP]

HurryCurry, I feel for you. I have been in a similar situation and I really wanted to believe that it was my bfs ADHD that was causing him to be a rude, jerk. I am SO grateful to Sarahsweets and ToneTone for helping me to see the light which allowed me to disengage with my guy friend...this was a huge turning point for me. I think you should trust your judgment about the "lack of empathy" issue that you are picking up on and just think about what that really truly means. You deserve better.

[SuperP]

p.s. HurryCurry, if you want to talk more, please feel free to private message me. Ive done a lot of "research" on this issue and would be more than happy to help if I can...