That awful feeling

[WhiteOwl]

So, everything has been going great with the person I'm talking to/seeing and it has felt great. But today that awful feeling hit me out of nowhere and I can't shake it. I don't think I really have a reason to be feeling this way, but all kinds of doubts are setting in. We've been texting each other a lot, it's only been a few days since we saw each other and we see each other again tomorrow, and yet I just have this huge urge to talk to him on the phone and try make myself feel better. I somehow feel "disconnected" and insecure. It must be the codependency? It's really the worst feeling and I hate feeling it. How do I stop it? I don't think it's his fault, it's me.

[OyVeyKitty]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

So, everything has been going great with the person I'm talking to/seeing and it has felt great. But today that awful feeling hit me out of nowhere and I can't shake it. I don't think I really have a reason to be feeling this way, but all kinds of doubts are setting in. We've been texting each other a lot, it's only been a few days since we saw each other and we see each other again tomorrow, and yet I just have this huge urge to talk to him on the phone and try make myself feel better. I somehow feel "disconnected" and insecure. It must be the codependency? It's really the worst feeling and I hate feeling it. How do I stop it? I don't think it's his fault, it's me.

That happens to me in the beginning of relationships as well, it tends to happen because I've been super excited about seeing someone new and they've been on my mind 24/7. Then when we're no longer talking for a bit, they keep being on my mind 24/7 except excitement turns into anxiety. (They are actually very closely related physically in the body, so it's easy for the mind to turn them around.) The only way I know to stop it is to exercise and focus on some hobby I'm passionate about. Have some you time! Maybe you could go out and take some nice photos that you can show him later?

For what it's worth, that feeling does go away for me after I've been with someone for a while and the first couple of months where all you think about is them are over. So it doesn't mean that you're broken or that this will ruin the good thing you have going!! Just distract yourself and focus on you and try to do what made you happy before you started talking to him!

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty

That happens to me in the beginning of relationships as well, it tends to happen because I've been super excited about seeing someone new and they've been on my mind 24/7. Then when we're no longer talking for a bit, they keep being on my mind 24/7 except excitement turns into anxiety. (They are actually very closely related physically in the body, so it's easy for the mind to turn them around.) The only way I know to stop it is to exercise and focus on some hobby I'm passionate about. Have some you time! Maybe you could go out and take some nice photos that you can show him later?

For what it's worth, that feeling does go away for me after I've been with someone for a while and the first couple of months where all you think about is them are over. So it doesn't mean that you're broken or that this will ruin the good thing you have going!! Just distract yourself and focus on you and try to do what made you happy before you started talking to him!

Yes, I think the reason I was feeling that way may have something to do with the fact that the day prior, we had been texting a lot, more than usual. Then yesterday, we weren't texting as much. We were both busy, though. He had his kids and I was busy with my kids' activities. But I've felt kind of "spoiled", so now if he takes a little longer to respond to a text or whatever, I start freaking out and thinking he's losing interest and things are doomed. I always assume the worst case scenario with everything. I'm sitting there going, "It's been an hour and he hasn't texted back. He's bored with me and now he's ignoring me." And then he tells me he was cleaning up after his kids, and I feel like an idiot.

I do try to distract myself and it's not like I don't have plenty of things to do, I did go out and take some pictures last weekend and it was fun. It's finals week with school and I've always got a billion chores to do. But whenever I'm really anxious about something, it's extremely hard to focus on or enjoy anything else. This happens in all areas of my life, like if I'm anxious about an upcoming appt. or something, I feel useless, like I can't do anything else. I hate it. I know I have to try, though. It's when I feel like this, that I'm tempted to start with the relationship and future type questions, the kind that scare guys away in the beginning. That's the worst thing I could do, start projecting my anxiety onto him and pressuring him for reassurance.

It really helps to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, though. I already know we're only talking to/seeing each other right now, so I guess that means we're exclusive. But I realized that I've never been in the "just started dating, but not yet bf/gf" position before. The few people I dated before my husband, it was like "I like you, lets be bf/gf" and that's how it was. With my husband, we just kind of went from hanging out together, to being bf/gf. These relationships all just came about from seeing a person regularly and knowing them beforehand, so you could just skip this awkward "what are we?" phase.

[Fraser_0762]

Talk to some other guys. Not with the aim of dating them, but just to take your mind off him for a while. It's all about keeping your mind occupied. If you're sitting about doing nothing, then you're going to think about him more.

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by Fraser_0762

Talk to some other guys. Not with the aim of dating them, but just to take your mind off him for a while. It's all about keeping your mind occupied. If you're sitting about doing nothing, then you're going to think about him more.

Yeah, I'm not really interested in talking to other guys, just the people on here and friends. The problem is, I've pushed most of my friends away over the last couple years, due to my anxiety and just being too busy. I'm still trying to do the Meetup thing, though. I think I have enough to keep me busy, but the problem is it doesn't distract my mind as much as it should. Oh well, I just have to deal with it the best I can, I guess.

[Breakthrough13]

I think it's quite natural to have the urge to talk & see the other person when you're in love. Perhaps, during the in-between time, instead of waiting, you can focus on yourself & your kids. When you feel disconnect or despair, try counting your blessings, it is one way of staying positive & feeling grateful with what you have.

[OyVeyKitty]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

Yes, I think the reason I was feeling that way may have something to do with the fact that the day prior, we had been texting a lot, more than usual. Then yesterday, we weren't texting as much. We were both busy, though. He had his kids and I was busy with my kids' activities. But I've felt kind of "spoiled", so now if he takes a little longer to respond to a text or whatever, I start freaking out and thinking he's losing interest and things are doomed. I always assume the worst case scenario with everything. I'm sitting there going, "It's been an hour and he hasn't texted back. He's bored with me and now he's ignoring me." And then he tells me he was cleaning up after his kids, and I feel like an idiot.

I know that feeling all too well... The thing I have found to work best is to think about the fact that even if the other person I'm talking to is losing interest there is nothing I can do about it. In fact, there is nothing I should do about it because the only right thing to do in that case is to let them go. This tends to help my brain realize that, you know what, I care about this person and I want them to feel good in their life, whether that is with or without me. It tends to put the spotlight on how the other person feels and reminds me that I'm doing right by both of us by just seeing what happens. That in turn helps me feel good about myself and what I have to offer in a relationship again.

Reading this article also tends to help a bunch. Doing that is a lot easier said than done though, especially #3.

I don't know if I explained that well enough or if it will help you at all, but that's the only solution for me to stop the anxiety enough to go off and focus on my own thing. Nothing stops it entirely, but that's usually enough that I won't bring up the "what are we?" talk way too soon.

[WhiteOwl]

So, I guess I'm not the only one in this "whatever-you-call-it", who has insecurities and worries. I noticed a couple times that he seemed worried that I was going to "stand him up" on a date. Like, we had been talking about it for days and I told him how much I looked forward to seeing him and everything. Then, me with my poor communication, I forgot to text him that I was on my way and didn't realize that he had texted me a couple times. So he called while I was driving and asked if we were still meeting. I was like, "Uh yeah, I'm on my way, aren't you?" and he's like "Yeah, I've been on my way, but you didn't answer my texts so I just wanted to make sure before I got too far". I was really surprised and told him of course I would have told him if something came up and I couldn't make it (I mean, we had just been talking about it, like an hour before). He just said, "You would be surprised".

Anyways, now our date tonight got cancelled because of his son being in the hospital and he said he was worried about me leaving him because of it and that he likes me "quite a bit". I was like, "Dude, your son was in the hospital all day! I get it!" So I confessed that I had worried about him getting bored with me and he said, "Nope, not getting bored. I guess we worry too much". Ain't that the truth.

[Fraser_0762]

It's a taboo subject these days. But there's generally a balance of power when it comes to relationships. You're either the chaser or the chasee. The chasee holds the most power, while the chaser is the one being strung along to a certain degree. It's important to recognize where you stand in the relationship, only then can you decide whether you're happy with where you stand, or if you need to readjust your position.

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by Fraser_0762

It's a taboo subject these days. But there's generally a balance of power when it comes to relationships. You're either the chaser or the chasee. The chasee holds the most power, while the chaser is the one being strung along to a certain degree. It's important to recognize where you stand in the relationship, only then can you decide whether you're happy with where you stand, or if you need to readjust your position.

Well, I feel like he's been more of the "chaser". He initiated the dates and set the pace for texting and stuff like that. I've kind of just gone with the flow, but when I start to feel like the person is losing interest or "backing off" a little, then I start filling in the role of chaser, which I don't like and it never ends well because it usually means the guy isn't interested anymore. I guess I like to be the "chasee".

I don't feel like I'm starting to become the "chaser" yet in this relationship, though. But I feel like we're becoming somewhere in the middle. I mean, no one wants to be the chaser for the whole relationship, eventually the chasee needs to meet them in the middle, right? I like to be fair. I want to plan some of the dates, too, and help pay for some of it. I do like the old fashioned values of the man initiating things in the beginning, but I don't want to fake disinterest or whatever, just to be chased. If I'm interested, I can't help but try to do my part in growing the relationship. If I want to see them, I'm going to make the effort to see them, be on time, etc. He seems to be the same way, so it's nice because it feels like neither of us is slacking and we're both putting in effort.

[madmax988]

imo it wont hurt talking over the phone, don't overthink it and then give it lots of space and time. The way I can see it going is that it's going really well, forget the chaser chasee aspect of it since it will only lead to needless anxiety. Its a positive thing that both of you are putting the effort, so surely it will lead somewhere. But keep busy.
I say positive because there doesn't seem that things have to be 'pushed' to make plans happen.
In my case it had always been different where things went perfectly fine at the very beginning,awesome conversations,great bond,plans to go out etc. but the person of interest started to go off-course later(whether I kept contact or no didn't seem to matter in the least,in all cases I was the only one initiating any sort of contact by then) which seems odd considering how well things seemed at the beginning.

So coming back to the point don't stress it and try keeping some distance. At the same time don't forget to follow up with any plans like you've already been doing..all the best!

[Fraser_0762]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

Well, I feel like he's been more of the "chaser". He initiated the dates and set the pace for texting and stuff like that. I've kind of just gone with the flow, but when I start to feel like the person is losing interest or "backing off" a little, then I start filling in the role of chaser, which I don't like and it never ends well because it usually means the guy isn't interested anymore. I guess I like to be the "chasee".

I don't feel like I'm starting to become the "chaser" yet in this relationship, though. But I feel like we're becoming somewhere in the middle. I mean, no one wants to be the chaser for the whole relationship, eventually the chasee needs to meet them in the middle, right? I like to be fair. I want to plan some of the dates, too, and help pay for some of it. I do like the old fashioned values of the man initiating things in the beginning, but I don't want to fake disinterest or whatever, just to be chased. If I'm interested, I can't help but try to do my part in growing the relationship. If I want to see them, I'm going to make the effort to see them, be on time, etc. He seems to be the same way, so it's nice because it feels like neither of us is slacking and we're both putting in effort.

You've only just entered a relationship with this guy. Wanting to be fair and meet in the middle is great, once you've been seeing each other for a good 6 months or so. But you've only just entered a relationship with him. As others are saying, you're overthinking it. You haven't hit the "serious" stage of the relationship yet, so just relax a little and enjoy the moments.

[WhiteOwl]

Originally Posted by Fraser_0762

You've only just entered a relationship with this guy. Wanting to be fair and meet in the middle is great, once you've been seeing each other for a good 6 months or so. But you've only just entered a relationship with him. As others are saying, you're overthinking it. You haven't hit the "serious" stage of the relationship yet, so just relax a little and enjoy the moments.

Really? 6 months? So what should I be doing and not doing, then? Don't pay for anything, don't ask if he wants to go do something? Don't show interest or he considerate? I've read conflicting stuff about all this online. Maybe I'm more clueless than I thought.

[Fraser_0762]

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl

Really? 6 months? So what should I be doing and not doing, then? Don't pay for anything, don't ask if he wants to go do something? Don't show interest or he considerate? I've read conflicting stuff about all this online. Maybe I'm more clueless than I thought.

Don't overthink.

Do things because you want to do them, but never because you feel that it's necessary to do them. You're early into a relationship, the only pressure you're under is the pressure that you're creating for yourself in your own mind. There really isn't any pressure at all.

[WhiteOwl]

As far as talking on the phone, we had one long phone conversation right after we started talking, and it was really nice. He has called me a couple times since then, just quick calls to talk about plans to meet up. I like hearing his voice, expressions, laugh, all that stuff. It makes me feel more connected and I think he would be ok if I called him, considering he's said he really likes me and seems really interested. But at the same time, I don't really want to be the one that initiates that yet, and come across as desperate.

I've read conflicting stuff about this online, as well. Some sites say you should not talk on the phone at all in the beginning, unless it's an emergency. They say that talking on the phone is for once you are in an established relationship, because it kind of gives you a sense of entitlement to that person, that you don't have in the beginning. This kind of makes sense to me. But other sites say you can't really get to know a person unless you talk with them on the phone in the beginning. Texting can be difficult and cause miscommunication issues, but we haven't had that problem. Our texting has gone really well and I do feel like I'm getting a good sense of who he is through it, though I do prefer seeing him in person and talking with him.

Anyways, I have been wondering and wanted to ask if this was a woman thing, and men felt differently? Like, do women feel more connected hearing their voice, and it doesn't really matter as much to guys?