ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Relationships & Social Issues
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-23-17, 08:10 AM
Han123 Han123 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Belgium
Posts: 25
Thanks: 4
Thanked 24 Times in 16 Posts
Han123 has a spectacular aura aboutHan123 has a spectacular aura about
Bad friendship

Hello everyone,

I don't know if this is related with AD(H)D, but I figured some of you might have similar thought processes and might be able to understand my situation better than others.

I have this problem with a friend of mine. We met in second year of university, which was four years ago, when we were both studying history. I feel like our friendship is really weird and draining for me; I don't like it anymore and I haven't liked it really since a few months after I met her. Problem is, I cannot seem to escape.

She is an incredibly insecure person with a lot of trauma's and a bad temper. I consider myself fairly easy-going with my friends. I don't demand a lot from them, and I never get into fights with any of them, except for her. She is also always fighting with her other friends and het boyfriend. She's always complaining about that to me and sending me screenshots and asking me what to say/do. I don't care. I'm not interested at all and I find this extremely annoying. Often she calls me hysterical, crying and screaming, and my only function is to calm her down.

People often tell me their problems. I think they feel drawn to me because I'm very open, very empathic and genuinely interested. But I can only do that for a limited amount of time, something I'm sure you guys understand. When my interest fades, it becomes a chore and I don't like it. My other friends can sense when I've had enough, or they're just normal people who understand that a friend who listens is not the same as a personal and free therapist.

As I said, she also has a temper. She has yelled at me, scolded me, etc before, for things that I don't consider problems at all. For example, we were doing this cours and she never came to class. I record all my classes and type them at home because I can't focus in class. As you can imagine, this is a very tiring and difficult process, but it has helped my grades a lot. Naturally, I'm not just gonna hand all my hard work out. I proposed to her to send her the audio files and each do half of them, but she didn't want that. After the exam she became ridiculously mad at me for not having handed her the notes, even though we agreed on that. She ignored me for a month, and when we decided to meet again she screamed at me so loud in the middle of the city that people actually came up to us to tell her to keep it down.

Now, she is in therapy and has apologised for that kind of behaviour, but the complaining is still there. And I just don't like her, but I can't seem to get away from her. She calls me repeatedly, texts me etc. And then we meet and it feels like something I have to do, like charity or something. All my other friends, family and my boyfriend tell me that I should break it up. But how? I'm trying too just let the friendship die slowly you know? I don't initiate conversations, I don't tell her my problems, and so on, but it doesn't work. And I can't just tell her I don't want to see her again, that would be so weird. We both study in a small town.

Sorry for the long post. This has bothered me for years! Do any of you have had similar experiences? How'd you deal with them?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-23-17, 11:18 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is online now
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 27,690
Thanks: 5,707
Thanked 31,972 Times in 14,781 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad friendship

I really like you alot Hans so I dont mean to sound harsh or lack compassion I just say things directly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Han123 View Post
Hello everyone,

I have this problem with a friend of mine. We met in second year of university, which was four years ago, when we were both studying history. I feel like our friendship is really weird and draining for me; I don't like it anymore and I haven't liked it really since a few months after I met her. Problem is, I cannot seem to escape.
You stated the problem: a draining weird friendship that you feel like you cant escape only you can escape.

Quote:
She is an incredibly insecure person with a lot of trauma's and a bad temper. I consider myself fairly easy-going with my friends. I don't demand a lot from them, and I never get into fights with any of them, except for her. She is also always fighting with her other friends and het boyfriend. She's always complaining about that to me and sending me screenshots and asking me what to say/do. I don't care. I'm not interested at all and I find this extremely annoying. Often she calls me hysterical, crying and screaming, and my only function is to calm her down.
When someone is insecure and has suffered trauma our intial attempts at empathy can trick us into being either codependent or a doormat. What seems comforting at the outset becomes tiresome work that the insecure friend expects. Its all very one-sided. You sound like a low maintaince friend to have yet you are being forced to operate as a high maintaince friend in regards to helping her maintain her own relationships. When someone has so many of the same problems with relationships with all different sorts of people in their life, the problem is with the common denominator- that one friend. Her boyfriends and other friends arent all ridiculous mean people she is the problem, and she cant see that, and probably wont see it.
It is not your job to tell her what to say to her boyfriends and sending anyone, screenshots of private fights is inappropirate. Its not because she wants advice its because she wants to be right and have someone on "her" side.


Quote:
People often tell me their problems. I think they feel drawn to me because I'm very open, very empathic and genuinely interested. But I can only do that for a limited amount of time, something I'm sure you guys understand. When my interest fades, it becomes a chore and I don't like it. My other friends can sense when I've had enough, or they're just normal people who understand that a friend who listens is not the same as a personal and free therapist.
I am the same way although Ive been told her that I can be intimidating because of how blunt I am, but I consider honesty the highest respect and I might not tell you what you want to hear but I will tell you what you need to hear if you ask me. I guess in real life maybe that comes across easier- I have adopted a "f**k off" lifestyle that has given me freedom. If someone doesnt like me for who I am they can go F themselves.Learning to say and think that way has truly given me freedom, I kid you not. Anyhow even strangers share stuff with me and most times strangers and friends make my life really rich but we all need to recharge our batteries once in awhile. If we are running our battery down on one person its a huge burden.

Quote:
As I said, she also has a temper. She has yelled at me, scolded me, etc before, for things that I don't consider problems at all. For example, we were doing this cours and she never came to class. I record all my classes and type them at home because I can't focus in class. As you can imagine, this is a very tiring and difficult process, but it has helped my grades a lot. Naturally, I'm not just gonna hand all my hard work out. I proposed to her to send her the audio files and each do half of them, but she didn't want that. After the exam she became ridiculously mad at me for not having handed her the notes, even though we agreed on that. She ignored me for a month, and when we decided to meet again she screamed at me so loud in the middle of the city that people actually came up to us to tell her to keep it down.
NOT OKAY, never okay. People use "temper" and angry interchangebly sometimes. Yes we get angry and we need to let out what made us angry to avoid resentments but its not the same thing has having a temper. To me, a bad temper is almost like being a not good person. Its so selfish, so self absorbed so egotistical and so vile and venomous. The person on the other end of someone with a temper doesnt even know what hit them. I mean sure, you can see how you doing all the work for her and letting her off the hook would be great for her, her reaction to not getting those notes; her entitled feelings about having that work are the real issue. Who the hell does she think she is? And the only scolding I have ever accepted and not because I wanted to was from a parent. Parents scold their children. People with bad tempers shame and humiliate and cant control themselves in public. If someone who doesnt know you has to come up and interven you have soared well past the point of being angry or having a temper- you have now squarely kicked common decency in the teeth.

Oh and its also verbal abuse.

Quote:
Now, she is in therapy and has apologised for that kind of behaviour, but the complaining is still there. And I just don't like her, but I can't seem to get away from her. She calls me repeatedly, texts me etc. And then we meet and it feels like something I have to do, like charity or something. All my other friends, family and my boyfriend tell me that I should break it up. But how? I'm trying too just let the friendship die slowly you know? I don't initiate conversations, I don't tell her my problems, and so on, but it doesn't work. And I can't just tell her I don't want to see her again, that would be so weird. We both study in a small town.
Who gives a crap if she is in therapy? Thats her job right now. Her job needs to be how to learn to be a better human and friend. Apologies are great but you have to demonstrate that you know how to behave differently now and that would mean you have to remain buddies and subject yourself to a bad situation and see if she flips out? No thanks. You just said you dont like her 'but...'
I was told anything after but is bull s***. If what you say has a but..its justifying the other person's crap. Its a shame you cant tell her your problems because thats what friends do only she isnt a friend, never was a friend or she would ask and want to know whats going on with you.

Conversations do not have to be confrontations. I had to learn that as well. What I have to say is valid and deserves a voice. Less is more. You dont owe anyone anything other than the truth. Meet up with her. Tell her its not working anymore and wish her well and be done with it. She may freak and make a scene so have an escape plan and practice getting up and walking away. She may threaten you. Document and if need be report her to the police. She may threaten to harm herself. If she does, you call 911 and tell them or show them what she said she will do to herself and step away from the situation. She may text-harass you. Tell her ONCE to stop and block her number. I really hope it never comes to that but these are all things you have to consider with unstable people.

But Hans, it is that simple. You need to tell her you have to move on, she doesnt need to know why and you dont owe her those reasons and if you say it as a fact or statement then any reactions she has are her issues and not yours.
I wish there was a magic formula I could share with you. I had to go through my own personal pain to learn these things but the F yourself mentality is freeing. If you dont believe me try it with something that doesnt matter as much and see how lighter your shoulders feel. Life is too spectacular to be bogged down like this.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
Han123 (12-28-17), Lunacie (12-29-17), SuperSparks (03-16-18)
  #3  
Old 12-23-17, 11:25 AM
Little Missy's Avatar
Little Missy Little Missy is online now
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: BIG, Wonderful, Wyoming USA
Posts: 15,569
Thanks: 23,054
Thanked 21,257 Times in 11,388 Posts
Little Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad friendship

Change you phone number. Tell her she drags you down. Tell her to lighten up her perspective and wish her a good life.
__________________
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you are uncool ~ Lester Bangs

And in the end, the love you take; is equal to the love you make...Beatles Abbey Road 1969
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Little Missy For This Useful Post:
aeon (12-29-17)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 12-23-17, 11:35 AM
Little Missy's Avatar
Little Missy Little Missy is online now
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: BIG, Wonderful, Wyoming USA
Posts: 15,569
Thanks: 23,054
Thanked 21,257 Times in 11,388 Posts
Little Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond reputeLittle Missy has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad friendship

And remember that the weather changes. People do not change.
__________________
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you are uncool ~ Lester Bangs

And in the end, the love you take; is equal to the love you make...Beatles Abbey Road 1969
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Little Missy For This Useful Post:
aeon (12-29-17), Little Nut (03-18-18)
  #5  
Old 12-28-17, 08:54 AM
Han123 Han123 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Belgium
Posts: 25
Thanks: 4
Thanked 24 Times in 16 Posts
Han123 has a spectacular aura aboutHan123 has a spectacular aura about
Re: Bad friendship

Sarahsweets, thank you so much for reading so thoroughly and your elaborate response. And sorry for my late reply, I haven't figured out yet how you can see that someone has replied to a post.

You don't sound harsh at all! You're spot on with so many things; about her wanting to be right for example. That's true, she wants me to agree all the time and if I don't she gets mad, or even accuses me of being a bad friend. She's always ready to point out exactly what I'm doing wrong or why I'm a bad person, but if I say something small like 'you're being very defensive' she lashes out and says 'I know my flaws, I don't need anyone to point them out to me. I've had enough of that when I was being bullied' (actual convo). She basically says I'm a bully...

I feel like I'm a lot like you in how I see things, and that's why I get so upset: she changes the way I am. I'm constantly weighing my words and actions, which feels strange for someone who's usually very direct and has that same F you attitude. It's like I need to suppress my nature. I don't want to be a doormat! I didn't even say this yet, but she actually comes to my house after her therapy sessions on Tuesday to 'talk it over' because it's heavy and confronting for her. But I'm not therapist 2 and I just don't care, I'm not interested in her issues anymore.

And yes, what I say should be considered valid, I should be respected. That's wat ****** me off like cray. If you ask for my opinion, be ready to hear it. And also what you said about these things being private: right! Her current boyfriend is my best friend's ex (really weird situation) and I hate him for what he has done to my best friend. She knows that, but she still wants me to 'be friendly' and somehow defend him when she says she wants to break up. When I say 'yes break up with him, that's what I would do', she says 'I'm gonna talk to my sister because she's the only one who thinks staying with him is the right thing to do'. WHAT?! She also asks me stuff about the relationship he and my best friend used to have, like 'did he do X to her to?', 'why did they break up?', and so on. But that's private! How can someone not see that? I actually told her I didn't want to discuss that with her but she keeps asking.

Wat you said about verbal abuse... definitely. I feel ashamed to admit this (and haven't told anyone this - but yay for internet anonymity) but I feel kinda traumatised by that event. I cannot deal with people screaming at me. Even when I felt like our friendhip was doing better, I could never not think about that event and other times similar things happened. I feel so ashamed for apologising after, just because I wanted the confrontation to be over. I should have never done that and I should have walked away and ended the friendship there and then.

I do think she might threaten to hurt herself if I told her I didn't want contact anymore. It's crazy you said that because she does have a history of auto mutilation and I didn't write that anywhere. Sometimes she calls me hysterical and says she's gonna do it (when in a fight with someone) and then I have to talk her down. I hate that so much, and it's at those moments I realise I'm not her friend because I would freak out if one of my actual friends would say something like that and not just be bored with the conversation.

I'm sorry for ranting so much! Right now, I haven't really spoken to her since the 9th of december, which is a really long time for her not to bother me. She was talking about breaking up again and asked me if I ever considered breaking up with my boyfriend of 8,5 years. I said 'no, so I believe something is fundamentally wrong if you do', which was obviously not what she wanted to hear and so she cut off the conversation. So I think I'm gonna wait and see a little bit. I'm scared to do the harsh approach because I'm obviously scared of confrontation, but also because I have told her very private stuff in the past (about my rape f.e.) and I don't know what she could do. What if she tries to use those things against me?

Again, thanks for your insights xx
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Han123 For This Useful Post:
Lunacie (12-29-17)
  #6  
Old 12-28-17, 08:56 AM
Han123 Han123 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Belgium
Posts: 25
Thanks: 4
Thanked 24 Times in 16 Posts
Han123 has a spectacular aura aboutHan123 has a spectacular aura about
Re: Bad friendship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
Change you phone number. Tell her she drags you down. Tell her to lighten up her perspective and wish her a good life.
However good that sounds, I'm not sure if that would be a good idea since we live in a small town and have mutual friends. She knows where I live, has my parent's and brother's and boyfriend's phone numbers (in case there's an emergency and I don't answer - yes I know right?).
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-28-17, 08:11 PM
DeClutter's Avatar
DeClutter DeClutter is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Home of the Fries (no, they are NOT French!)
Posts: 138
Thanks: 208
Thanked 249 Times in 110 Posts
DeClutter is a splendid one to beholdDeClutter is a splendid one to beholdDeClutter is a splendid one to beholdDeClutter is a splendid one to beholdDeClutter is a splendid one to beholdDeClutter is a splendid one to beholdDeClutter is a splendid one to beholdDeClutter is a splendid one to behold
Re: Bad friendship

I think it might be related to AD(H)D.

Or atleast i think it often lets my empathy lead me into certain situations where neurotypicals would already have set boundaries long before.

Setting boundaries is not my thing cause a/ it can be slightly confrontational to set them and b/ upholding boundaries is not a core strength of AD(H)D as we generally struggle to even stay within our own boundaries most of the time, let alone maintain them towards others.

It's not that i never set boundaries, but ussually it is either when things have already gotten critical, or i use boundaries in the style like you describe as "I'm trying too just let the friendship die slowly you know?".

Clearly your "friend" has no boundaries whatshowever of her own and perhaps that is why she sought you out?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-29-17, 04:56 AM
Han123 Han123 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Belgium
Posts: 25
Thanks: 4
Thanked 24 Times in 16 Posts
Han123 has a spectacular aura aboutHan123 has a spectacular aura about
Re: Bad friendship

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeClutter View Post
I think it might be related to AD(H)D.

Or atleast i think it often lets my empathy lead me into certain situations where neurotypicals would already have set boundaries long before.

Setting boundaries is not my thing cause a/ it can be slightly confrontational to set them and b/ upholding boundaries is not a core strength of AD(H)D as we generally struggle to even stay within our own boundaries most of the time, let alone maintain them towards others.

It's not that i never set boundaries, but ussually it is either when things have already gotten critical, or i use boundaries in the style like you describe as "I'm trying too just let the friendship die slowly you know?".

Clearly your "friend" has no boundaries whatshowever of her own and perhaps that is why she sought you out?
It's very interesting you bring up boundaries. I saw my niece yesterday and discussed the matter with her. She's pretty clever. I told her I know I need to break, but that I'm uncomfortable doing it too harshly and that I feel like there needs to be a fight or something if I were to do that (not out of the blue). And she told me I could start with setting boundaries. Like telling her 'Honestly, I don't want to talk about this subject anymore', 'I already told you how I feel about it, I can't add anything else', or when she's threatening to harm herself 'I don't think I'm the best person to talk to about this right now'. If she cannot react 'normally' to this, I'll have a reason to be harsh.

So that's what I'm gonna try, but I don't think it'll be easy.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Han123 For This Useful Post:
aeon (12-29-17)
  #9  
Old 12-29-17, 08:14 AM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Scotland
Posts: 4,017
Thanks: 91
Thanked 6,030 Times in 2,497 Posts
kilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond reputekilted_scotsman has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad friendship

It sounds like your friend has significant mental health issues that are best treated professionally.

Once one understands this it's easier to shift the friendship onto an appropriate level with appropriate boundaries in place. Informally acquaintances can also share information and try to encourage the individual to get professional support.

It is tough living in a small town, however you may find that other people see you being attached to yur friend and decide not to be open to friendship with you in case they get sucked into the emotional backwash from your friend.

The crunch point though is whether your friend realises their behaviour is not appropriate. You will see many times in these forums the message that the ADDer or person with mental health issues has to take responsibility for their own behaviour and understand its impacts on others as well as themselves. This may be a erratic process, but the ongoing effort of the person should shine through and their attempts towards psychological integration encouraged and rewarded.

One thing that is important is to state appropriate boundaries and stick to them. Naming what you find difficult and how you feel as well as requesting a change is essential. Learnign about "Non-Violent Communication" is probably a good way to approach this. It's simple and surprisingly effective...... but it is imporatant to realise that by changing the way the relationship works your friend has two choices..... either to change or to break off the relationship..... and you need to be able to se your own part in the toxic dynamic so that you can act appropriately whichever choice is made.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-29-17, 08:57 AM
Han123 Han123 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Belgium
Posts: 25
Thanks: 4
Thanked 24 Times in 16 Posts
Han123 has a spectacular aura aboutHan123 has a spectacular aura about
Re: Bad friendship

Kilted_scotsman, thanks for your input, I really appreciate it. I know what I'm writing below might come off as defensive, but please don't interpret it that way. I'm genuinely interested in what you mean by what you say and your views on the situation, and I want to explain better how I expirience things.

Quote:
Once one understands this it's easier to shift the friendship onto an appropriate level with appropriate boundaries in place. Informally acquaintances can also share information and try to encourage the individual to get professional support.
I've known she had issues from very early on in our 'friendship' and I did encourage her to seek help. She did, and she's been in therapy for about two years no I think. It has helped, but not tremendously. The realisation she had issues also didn't do much for my power to set boundaries. I didn't know I had to do that and I didn't know how. I've never had to do that before, because I don't think I usually need much boundaries when it comes to friends. Most people just sense when you're uncomfortable, and I'm not that easily uncomfortable (which says a lot about our relationship).

Quote:
It is tough living in a small town, however you may find that other people see you being attached to yur friend and decide not to be open to friendship with you in case they get sucked into the emotional backwash from your friend.
Luckily, I've managed to avoid that. None of my friends like her, and so I never invite her anywhere where there will be other people. I don't think people see me as attached to her, because she's not in a physical sense. She is dependant on me, but she loves texting (i hate that) and calling me, and when we meet physically it's usually at my house or to get a coffee. The mutual friends we have actually don't like her very much either. They wouldn't really 'get together', more like acquaintances.

Maybe I should clarify that my small town is in fact a city, but a small one. It's a university town, but that's all there is to do so it's not much. There's a good chance of me seeing her on the street though, because we have class in the same buildings. Also, a lot of the people who live there, and are not students who go home in the weekends, know each other. So that's how we know the same people.

Quote:
The crunch point though is whether your friend realises their behaviour is not appropriate. You will see many times in these forums the message that the ADDer or person with mental health issues has to take responsibility for their own behaviour and understand its impacts on others as well as themselves. This may be a erratic process, but the ongoing effort of the person should shine through and their attempts towards psychological integration encouraged and rewarded.
She thinks she takes responsibility by saying 'sorry' once in a while, or saying that she knows she's 'partly to blame'. But I don't really care about that, because I'm just tired of it; I'm all drained. I'm not sure if I interpret what you say correctly, but do you mean I should encourage and reward her? If yes, I'm not sure about that... I don't think it's my job, you know? I'm not responsible for her mental issues or for healing them. I've got my own issues and flaws I'm trying to work on, and I don't need anyone else's.

Quote:
One thing that is important is to state appropriate boundaries and stick to them. Naming what you find difficult and how you feel as well as requesting a change is essential. Learnign about "Non-Violent Communication" is probably a good way to approach this. It's simple and surprisingly effective...... but it is imporatant to realise that by changing the way the relationship works your friend has two choices..... either to change or to break off the relationship..... and you need to be able to se your own part in the toxic dynamic so that you can act appropriately whichever choice is made.
Again, I'm not really sure what you mean by this. My previous comment hasn't been approved yet so you can't see it, but I say there that I'm gonna try to set clear boundaries and see how she reacts. If she gets hysterical again, I will try to end our relationship. I wanna point out that I have choices as well, and I'm not just gonna wait until she decides I am the bad friend and she is the most perfect friend (she acts like that, as if she knows the 'true meaning of friendship'). She needs to know that her behaviour is not okay, don't you think? This might come off strange but I feel like after all she's put me through, I don't want to be the doormat that gets one last muddy shoe scraping before it ends. I don't want to walk away from this muddy and with a feeling that I just had to swallow everything once again. I need to stand up for myself, not surrender passively to whatever choice she makes.

To be honest, I'm not sure what my part in the toxic dynamic is. I'm just trying to be myself, and I don't have toxic dynamics with anyone. She completely dominated me and forced me to say whatever she wants to hear. Is it toxic that I let myself be a doormat for so long? I agree I made it worse for myself by doing that, and now I'm in this mess that's my own fault. But I don't feel any guilt towards her. I tried to be the friend she wanted me to be, just not the one I wanted to be.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 12-29-17, 09:56 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is online now
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 27,690
Thanks: 5,707
Thanked 31,972 Times in 14,781 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad friendship

Quote:
Originally Posted by Han123 View Post
So I think I'm gonna wait and see a little bit. I'm scared to do the harsh approach because I'm obviously scared of confrontation, but also because I have told her very private stuff in the past (about my rape f.e.) and I don't know what she could do. What if she tries to use those things against me?

Again, thanks for your insights xx
This is not a good solution( here comes the harsh Sweets.)
You are basically prolonging the inevitable. Fear is the ultimate motivator but thats not always a good thing. Fear is holding you hostage and hijacking your emotions and life.
How would she "use that" against you? In what type of scenario? If its spreading your business around, how bad would that actually be? I cant imagine that you are the only one she treats like this? Other people must have caught her wrath or at the very least her clingy selfishness, so if they hear crap from her and you say its embellished BS who will they believe more? Will they believe the unstable, chaotic girl who is inappropriate and insecure? Or the laid back guy who seems to be the best friend anyone could ever have? When we are good and healthy, that positive energy rubs off on others. Negative energy really rubs off and healthy people usually catch this too and steer clear of the person they get these vibes from.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-29-17, 10:30 AM
Han123 Han123 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Belgium
Posts: 25
Thanks: 4
Thanked 24 Times in 16 Posts
Han123 has a spectacular aura aboutHan123 has a spectacular aura about
Re: Bad friendship

@ Sarah

I'm actually a girl, but I'm glad to be a 'laid back guy' in your imagination haha. And yeah that's a ridiculous reason, I know. I thought about that yesterday and I think it's just an excuse for me not to confront her. Of course, I'd rather not have that info out in the open (very few people know about it), but I don't really think she'd do that.

Right now I kinda want her to get mad, you know? At least I'll have reason to do what I gotta do. Now it would just seem so random... So what do you think about what I said to DeClutter, about boundaries? If I just start being myself and stop putting up with it, I'm pretty sure she'll either get angry or just not want to talk to me that often anymore. In the second case, I could maybe successfully let it bleed out.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-29-17, 06:03 PM
finallyfound10's Avatar
finallyfound10 finallyfound10 is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,668
Thanks: 1,517
Thanked 1,555 Times in 856 Posts
finallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond reputefinallyfound10 has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad friendship

If you haven't really talked to her since 12/9, that's great!! Whatever you are doing, keep doing it!

She displays some of symptoms used to diagnose Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not saying she has it just displays some symptoms. If she does, it can be very difficult to remain in a friendships or even if she doesn't, it is very difficult to remain in a friendship with her. Either way, you have to firmly set the boundaries if she starts to come around again.
__________________
ADHD-Inattentive, Adjustment Disorder w/Mixed Features of Anxiety and Depression, Dyscalculia (Math disability), Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, Adult Child of an Alcoholic.
Strattera 100 mg, Wellbutrin 450 mg XL, Klonopin 0.5 mg as needed.
Brene Brown
Shame derives it's power from being unspeakable.
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.
Shame cannot survive being spoken. It can't survive empathy.

Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-30-17, 02:58 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is online now
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 27,690
Thanks: 5,707
Thanked 31,972 Times in 14,781 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Bad friendship

OMG! I thought your user name was Hans!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Han123 View Post
@ Sarah

I'm actually a girl, but I'm glad to be a 'laid back guy' in your imagination haha. And yeah that's a ridiculous reason, I know. I thought about that yesterday and I think it's just an excuse for me not to confront her. Of course, I'd rather not have that info out in the open (very few people know about it), but I don't really think she'd do that.

Right now I kinda want her to get mad, you know? At least I'll have reason to do what I gotta do. Now it would just seem so random... So what do you think about what I said to DeClutter, about boundaries? If I just start being myself and stop putting up with it, I'm pretty sure she'll either get angry or just not want to talk to me that often anymore. In the second case, I could maybe successfully let it bleed out.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03-18-18, 07:12 AM
Han123 Han123 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Belgium
Posts: 25
Thanks: 4
Thanked 24 Times in 16 Posts
Han123 has a spectacular aura aboutHan123 has a spectacular aura about
Re: Bad friendship

Okay guys, it's finally time for an update. So I hadn't talked to her (or at least very little) from november till february. After I came back from my erasmus exchange in another country end of January, she started to ask if we could meet for coffee. I saw her for coffee in the middle of Feb (don't ask me why I did that) and it was very awkward for me, but she didn't seem to notice it. Now, this second semester is very heavy for me. I'm working two student jobs (not full time, but still heavy for me), writing my thesis, applying for jobs, writing papers, etc. So in the two weeks after we met, she asked me again, but I didn't feel like it because I didn't want to see her in the first place and also because I simply had no time. I explained it to her, she got a bit ******, I told her I understood why she was ****** but that I had two deadlines that week.

And then IT HAPPENED: she totally snapped on me. She said she didn't believe it was to difficult for me because it was actually more difficult for her and yet she could make time, she said it was 'all ********' and that I didn't have to text her anymore (all this in a very aggressive demeanor).

Even though I was pretty ****** off about the things she said after all I've done for her, I was also kinda glad she did this. For me, it's very important to remain 'the one who did nothing wrong so that if she shows these conversations to others (incl her therapist), they'll know she's the one to blame. I know it's weird because I don't even know these people, but it gives more of a guarantee that eventually, when she has lost all her friends (I'm not the first) she will regret what she did and know it was all on her. That would be my revenge lol.

So I chose not to answer anymore, even though there was a lot I wanted to say. I know it's the best option for me, because I detest arguments so much I get a physical response to them. I start to sweat, my heart rate goes through the roof, I can't focus on anything else anymore, I even feel feverish. And I just didn't wanna go through that.

All of this happened at the end of Feb, and luckily, I haven't heard from her yet. I have decided that if she contacts me again, it's gonna be time for the 'harsh' approach. I even typed out what I want to say and debated about sending it to her already (I def. don't want to be yelled at so I prefer texting), but then I thought; what if that's not necessary? What if she just leaves me alone? If she doesn't, I promised myself, my friends and even my parents, I will send it.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Han123 For This Useful Post:
OyVeyKitty (03-18-18)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My Adderall Journal (bad experience - 33 year old female) That1WierdGirl Adderall 22 11-24-12 12:55 AM
Having a bad bad bad day. lightgreen Women with ADD/ADHD 28 09-23-11 07:26 PM
Hyperfocusing on a new friendship Crazygirl79 Relationships & Social Issues 5 09-18-09 07:00 AM
EPIC BAD Reaction to Wellbutrin right now Late Boomer General Medication Discussion 6 05-21-09 05:41 PM
figuring out friendship with an ADD/ADHD man falling Non-ADD Partner Support 10 08-05-05 10:42 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:53 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums