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  #1  
Old 01-12-18, 03:39 PM
Amanofpatience Amanofpatience is offline
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Help

My wife an I have been together for 2 and a half years. Married for a year and a half.

She is beautiful, smart and an all around gentle person.

She has four biological children I have two. I am a stay at home father while she works. I go to school online, and due to my VA disability I make a very strong income. I care for our 3 year old every day since he is too young for school, and take care of the rest of our children when my wife is not home. I have been having trouble with this, because i literally thrive when my wife and I get along, but dive when she is mad at me. She has been threatening to leave and move into her own apartment off and on, and then an hour later she wants to act like she never said that.

We have had a very solid relationship up until recently. My wifes mother passed away about 4 months ago. She was abusive and not the greatest mom to my wife. We actually had her living with us and my wife was her primary provider for a few months until she moved into hospice.

Our issues started about six month ago. My wife started a friendship with a male coworker that I felt was inappropriate, and she was still actively grieving her mother while her mom was still alive. It was a giant dramatic display of arguments and a lack of communication. My wife didnt want to end it and I couldnt handle it. It was a lot of insecurity but at the same time, some of the things this man said to her were not appropriate.

I went about it the wrong way and my wife allowed the situation to continue despite the fact this man was a predator, and only wanted to sleep with her.

She no longer talks to him due to his lack of maturity and my wife making it perfectly clear I was her priority.

So now to the current situation. My wife takes addoral. She is on 25 rx and a 10 mg ir. I found out a few weeks ago, she started to take more than the recommended dosage because she was having problems at work. I confronted her, and told her that is not ok.

Her personality is changing. She and I used to talk constantly after she got off of work. We used to hang out and always go every where together. We were each-others best friends.

she is showing signs of
-depression
-lack of interest
-irritability
-agitation
-blurred vision
-stomach pain
-loss of interest in sex

Now, I am lucky if she comes home in a good mood. The kids feel all she does is yell. When she has a day off and doesn't take her addoral, she is playful, full of smiles, we get along incredibly well. She has patience. She teases me, and our relationship is fantastic. We cuddle, she is affectionate etc.

On her addoral... she doesnt smile, she doesnt talk to me, she spends most of the time when the kids are awake on her phone talking to coworkers. If I ask her whats wrong she tells me she feels overwhelmed. She says all she does is work then come home to deal with me and the kids. She has told me that she sometimes feels nothing, and she shows no interest in anything. Its literally a complete 180 between the woman I know and love, to her depressed uninterested self.

I think I make it worse too. I have trouble backing off, because I have abandonment issues. I work on it but, its hard to back off when I know the woman I married is somewhere inside this person in front of me.

I am a very emotional person. To top it off I am madly in love with her. When she is going through this, I feel the whole time I am doing something so I have the desire to fix it. I try to bring her out of her funk and I am extremely patient, and very persistant. She, due to her past, doesnt want me to.

I spend most of the week while she is on her addoral apologizing and trying to reconnect with her, on her days off it takes a few hours for me to get rid of the feelings of resentment, but I snap out of it because she is back to her beautiful and amazing personality.

A good example is last night. I jetted off as soon as she got home from work to take my six year old to her mothers, I come home and she barely speaks to me other than to snap at me over me forgetting to do something. She does this in a passive aggressive way instead of just asking me, then I back off, apologize and left her alone. We get into the bedroom, and I ask what did I do to make you upset. She then gets even angrier and we fought. I stopped and so did she, we hate arguing or bickering. A few minutes later, I tell her I love her and want to help relieve her stress. I rub her back for about half an hour and we go to sleep. This is a prime example of where we are right now.

What can I do, I dont know how to get my wife back. I am as patient as I can be, but I find myself lashing out in response to her lashes. Its steadily getting worse. We spoke today, and she said that she was going to try working med free for a little while because she felt it was ruining "us."

Also to add, I have add as well. This is one of the reasons why I understand her moodiness. I am prescribed addoral, but on an as needed basis.

I cant lose what I have, it will devastate me. This is the most amazing woman I have ever met, and her kids are a huge part of my life as well. Please help.
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  #2  
Old 01-14-18, 07:23 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Re: Help

There is a whole lot going on here and I will do my best to address it..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amanofpatience View Post
I have been having trouble with this, because i literally thrive when my wife and I get along, but dive when she is mad at me. She has been threatening to leave and move into her own apartment off and on, and then an hour later she wants to act like she never said that.
Have you asked her later on why she says this and why she thinks moving out will solve a problem?
Quote:
Our issues started about six month ago. My wife started a friendship with a male coworker that I felt was inappropriate, and she was still actively grieving her mother while her mom was still alive. It was a giant dramatic display of arguments and a lack of communication. My wife didnt want to end it and I couldnt handle it. It was a lot of insecurity but at the same time, some of the things this man said to her were not appropriate.
I read an article on this yesterday: Micro cheating
http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-42660629

Its not the same as actual cheating but the damage can be just as severe. Did your wife see a problem with it?

Quote:
I went about it the wrong way and my wife allowed the situation to continue despite the fact this man was a predator, and only wanted to sleep with her.
How did you go about it the wrong way?

Quote:
So now to the current situation. My wife takes addoral. She is on 25 rx and a 10 mg ir. I found out a few weeks ago, she started to take more than the recommended dosage because she was having problems at work. I confronted her, and told her that is not ok.
How did you find this out?

Quote:
Her personality is changing. She and I used to talk constantly after she got off of work. We used to hang out and always go every where together. We were each-others best friends.

she is showing signs of
-depression
-lack of interest
-irritability
-agitation
-blurred vision
-stomach pain
-loss of interest in sex
Everyone who knows me knows I am the first one to look at medication misuse as the culprit but I am not so sure in this case. She did lose her mother and it probably shook because of it.

Quote:
Now, I am lucky if she comes home in a good mood. The kids feel all she does is yell. When she has a day off and doesn't take her addoral, she is playful, full of smiles, we get along incredibly well. She has patience. She teases me, and our relationship is fantastic. We cuddle, she is affectionate etc.
did the kids tell you they noticed these differences with mom and her adderall?
Quote:
On her addoral... she doesnt smile, she doesnt talk to me, she spends most of the time when the kids are awake on her phone talking to coworkers. If I ask her whats wrong she tells me she feels overwhelmed. She says all she does is work then come home to deal with me and the kids. She has told me that she sometimes feels nothing, and she shows no interest in anything. Its literally a complete 180 between the woman I know and love, to her depressed uninterested self.
Too much adderall can cause an unhealthy sense of hyperfocus and its usually on the wrong things. It can cause a need for escapism even if it seems like its about work. Screw your abandonment issues. You have every right to have these conversations with her. do not turn this on yourself.
I think I make it worse too. I have trouble backing off, because I have abandonment issues. I work on it but, its hard to back off when I know the woman I married is somewhere inside this person in front of me.
Quote:
I am a very emotional person. To top it off I am madly in love with her. When she is going through this, I feel the whole time I am doing something so I have the desire to fix it. I try to bring her out of her funk and I am extremely patient, and very persistant. She, due to her past, doesnt want me to.
Its ok to be emotional. Its not ok when your personal happiness is so wrapped up in the mood of someone else. That is codependency.

Quote:
I spend most of the week while she is on her addoral apologizing and trying to reconnect with her, on her days off it takes a few hours for me to get rid of the feelings of resentment, but I snap out of it because she is back to her beautiful and amazing personality.

A good example is last night. I jetted off as soon as she got home from work to take my six year old to her mothers, I come home and she barely speaks to me other than to snap at me over me forgetting to do something. She does this in a passive aggressive way instead of just asking me, then I back off, apologize and left her alone. We get into the bedroom, and I ask what did I do to make you upset. She then gets even angrier and we fought. I stopped and so did she, we hate arguing or bickering. A few minutes later, I tell her I love her and want to help relieve her stress. I rub her back for about half an hour and we go to sleep. This is a prime example of where we are right now.

What can I do, I dont know how to get my wife back. I am as patient as I can be, but I find myself lashing out in response to her lashes. Its steadily getting worse. We spoke today, and she said that she was going to try working med free for a little while because she felt it was ruining "us."

Also to add, I have add as well. This is one of the reasons why I understand her moodiness. I am prescribed addoral, but on an as needed basis.

I cant lose what I have, it will devastate me. This is the most amazing woman I have ever met, and her kids are a huge part of my life as well. Please help.
You yourself need therapy so you can beter advocate for your own needs and what you need in a partner. I think you need couples therapy too but starting on yourself will show your wife that you are not trying to change her, you are trying to change you, its less threatening and has a better chance at success. If you change how you deal and react to her, she will have to change. I am not sure how you should handle the situation with the adderall. I need to think about that more.
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  #3  
Old 01-14-18, 10:28 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: Help

Yeah, you probably could benefit from therapy because you're putting way too much weight on her mood ... We cannot change people's moods. And people feel intruded on when others try to get in their heads too much, yes even spouses.

I recommend therapy because you're making her too much the center of your world and your own emotional inner life. And though the movies might suggest that's a good thing, actually people DON'T want to be the center of others' lives.

People actually feel safer and more excited in connecting with others whose own lives are full separate from them.

You definitely have the right and duty to confront her about her relationship with the male coworker ... But it seems you might have muddled that by making it too much about you ... Instead, just hold her accountable. Confront her gently when you repeatedly yells at the kids. Confront her gently for the behavior you don't like.

Then let her figure out how to make the adjustment to get back on track.

Definitely the right therapist could help you get centered and away from the sorta people-pleasing, mood-dependency you have going on.

Think of it this way ... if something is really bothering her that has nothing to do with you, then you constantly asking about her mood doesn't help her ...

And if something is really bothering her that does have something to do with you--but she refuses to say--then you bothering her still won't help her or help you.

Get in your own life ... that's all you can do ... you'll be strengthening yourself and taking pressure off of her. You'll create some room for her to come towards you.

Tone
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