Need some help with my ADHD Child.

[BuckisMunz]

This is more for me than my kid. Hence where I'm posting this.

I have ADD, however my son has ADHD, with pretty severe on the hyperactivity and impulse controls.

He has 3 brothers who are struggling wanting to even play with him. Like last night, he was having more fun being completely out of control, than playing basketball like the rest. Everyone got mad at him, and he then assumes they are all making fun of him.

I have been pushing him pretty hard about being in control. That the way he is acting is pushing people around him away. Or causing them to make fun of him.

He jumps off the deep end at times saying "no one likes him". or will say "I don't care what others think of me, but if they call me dumb I'm going to punch them in the face"

He has such a sweet spirit. Always trying to help others, opening doors for people. Will go out of his way to help his brothers. but when it comes to playing with them it usually ends with them being frustrated and him getting his feelings hurt.

I don't know what to do. He's on meds. I try reasoning with him but it never goes anywhere. I'm at an utter loss...

[Lunacie]

So frustrating for you both. He is surely frustrated by your pushing him to have
better control when his adhd means that control isn't quite in his grasp yet.

My mom was always telling me to control my temper but I didn't know HOW to
do that. For most people, it's part of growing up and seeing how others interact
socially, but that part of my brain doesn't work like other's brains do. I was just
as frustrated as she was. And it was so hard on my self-esteem.

Perhaps an adjustment in meds would help ... if these issues happen more often
after school he may need a booster dose to help him cope for more of his day.
Maybe he needs a dose increase, or a different med would work better for him.
Another thing that is frustrating is figuring out which med at which dose is best.

Good luck to your whole family.

[kilted_scotsman]

How old is he?

If he is old enough it can help to talk about NT behaviour works..... so that he can understand more about the relational world around him. This isn't about getting him to change to be like an NT, but so he can understand where they're coming from.

Trying to change his behaviour doesn't work when kids are in the stage of differentiating... ie decoming different from parents and exploring how they might be in the world. THis time is V difficult for ADDery kids, because no one tells us the rules of the NT game.... and the crazy contradictory cultural messages that NT's easily deal with... generally by blocking it from awareness.

The basic approach is to teach him how the NT world works... then he has more awareness..... and through that the choice to alter his behaviour or not. The trouble is that most adults/parents don't understand this stuff either.... so you'll need to get up to speed on it yourself first.... or make it a joint project.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BuckisMunz

This is more for me than my kid. Hence where I'm posting this.

I have ADD, however my son has ADHD, with pretty severe on the hyperactivity and impulse controls.

He has 3 brothers who are struggling wanting to even play with him. Like last night, he was having more fun being completely out of control, than playing basketball like the rest. Everyone got mad at him, and he then assumes they are all making fun of him.

I doubt he is having more fun being out of control, I would say he cant help it. And if everyone got mad at him, they are not making fun of him per se, but because he cant relate to them wanting to play a game he could easily feel being made fun of. How much does the rest of the family understand about his adhd?

I have been pushing him pretty hard about being in control. That the way he is acting is pushing people around him away. Or causing them to make fun of him.

This is not good, (no offense)/ Pushing an adhd kid to maintain control when they just cant is setting him up for failure. For whatever reason he struggles with this,and you need to find tools to deal with it, not pushing him to go against the grain and just plain stop it. Think about it, how well has someone pushing you worked out? You say you have adhd but with out the impulsiveness or hyperactivity? Well lets say you hate going to the theater to see plays. If someone you loved pushed you hard to sit there and deal with it, in whatever ways they would do that, how would you react?

He jumps off the deep end at times saying "no one likes him". or will say "I don't care what others think of me, but if they call me dumb I'm going to punch them in the face"

Well it sounds like his feelings are not that far off base. Yes, you all might love him but the obvious frustration seems like no one does like him- in his eyes. Threatening to punch someone (depending on his age) is a way of lashing out. If you really believe he will resort to physical violence then thats a whole other thing to deal with. But if no one understands him, he can feel that no one likes him and he wouldnt be that far off base. At the very least people are not empathetic to his issues.

He has such a sweet spirit. Always trying to help others, opening doors for people. Will go out of his way to help his brothers. but when it comes to playing with them it usually ends with them being frustrated and him getting his feelings hurt.

I don't know what to do. He's on meds. I try reasoning with him but it never goes anywhere. I'm at an utter loss...

I have no doubt he is sweet. What meds is he one and when does he take them? Is he in therapy?

[Caco3girl]

My son is 15, he went through this around age 12. The problem with my son was that he did NOT pick up on social cues to tell him when enough was enough, or what people really meant.

For example, if you were joking around in class and the teacher said "Okay that's enough, let's get back to work", but she said it with a smile, does it count? My son couldn't tell. Another teacher was so exasperated with him one class period in the library she told him "sit right there and don't move".....so he did. The problem was when the class started to leave he asked the teacher if he could move now and she just rolled her eyes and ignored the question....so he sat there until the librarian asked him why he was there, he told her, and SHE gave him permission to move and go back to class.

The teachers agreed that is exactly what happened, right before they sent him to the office. In their minds he was being a difficult smart mouthed teenage punk, but in his mind he couldn't understand what other kids easily understood. He would get so frustrated he would shake and have tears coming out of his eyes because he wanted to follow the directions but he didn't feel he was getting any!

What helped my son the most was time, and he had a male guidance counselor that would walk through with him what the average person would have done in any situation that confused him. 8th grade he had about 30 days of In school Suspension for doing these stupid non-violent things. 9th grade it was about 10. So far this year it has only been 1...he's getting better.

As for how you interact with him....you may want to consider that he hears your words but can't figure out how to apply them. I can sit here and use English words to describe a chemical reaction, complete with spectator ions, cationic and anionic thermoreactions but if you don't understand what I am talking about would you understand it better if I yelled it at you?

[mildadhd]

The best way I found to deal with similar situations with my son when he was struggling, was to try and spend at least a hour or more everyday, doing things he wanted to do, with him, keeping our relationship priority.

It was amazing what he would tell me, if I did not try to pry it out of him.

Then, after having fun, I would discuss the topics with him, when I knew he was listening.
After playing he usually was listening, but sometimes we would have so much fun playing, that I would wait until another day, to address not so pleasant topics, and finish the day feeling good.

I learned to recognize when something was up, I did not always know what the exact problem was, but I could tell he was upset about something. Instead of grilling him, we would go do something he wanted to do that day. Then he would usually tell me. Usually he was in trouble because was behind in his homework, or project, etc.

Remembering how helpless I felt, when I was his age, when in trouble because I was always getting behind in my school work. I tried to help him catchup, when ever I could. One time we made a giant volcano out of oatmeal because he forgot his art supplies at school, and he was devistated, because the project was due the next morning. The teacher was confused why we used oatmeal, but at least my son felt some type of success.

My point is you are the best person to help your son get through, in a way that friends will never be.









M