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Old 01-15-18, 04:41 AM
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proud to say we took her car away for awhile

Of course this is Becca the almost 18 year old. She spent the night at a friends and asked if she could hang the next day and we gave her until 10. 10 came and she wasnt home. We went through this once before with her so husband said he would wait for her so I could go to sleep cause all three kids and I had psyche appts saturday morning. I woke up and she wasnt there. Husband called over and over and she answered she was so sorry she fell asleep and he told her to get her butt home pronto. She came in crying she was so sorry she knew I was worried but we had to go I said we would discuss it later. It was a log while out with 4 appts and then the pharmacy and I had plans with the youngest at 2. We got back from that and Mark and I talked. We sat her down that night and told her. No driving for at least a week (more really but we do not owe her a timeline). The ironic thing is of all the shennanigans she has been involved in I really believe she fell alseep but it doesnt matter she needs consequences. I wish I was able to take a pic of her face.

She thought she would slide though. She said:"but I start my new job this week"
{Ill drive you}
"You will pick me up at 10?"
{yep}
"but I drive Ella and I to school"
{Ill be doing that }
"but I get done early from school, Ella takes the bus home"
{Ill be there in front of the school waiting-unless Im tied up in which case you will have to wait in the office}
"How long?"
{we will continuously reevaluate}We told her that her job and the rest of the world wont care if she oversleeps and she needs to be responsible enough to let us know what shes up to, doing and how she plans on making it home on time.
Is it wrong that the devil on my shoulder was grinning that big 'gotcha' grin? He face was priceless because she really thought some tears and apologies were going to get her out of this one.
We are damn proud of this.
My mom used to say" punishing you hurts me more than it hurts you" I believe her now. Its going to be a PITA to pick her up and drive her but its what has to be done.

Not only does she need to show responsibility but she is operating a machine that can be a weapon, its not something to sneeze at.

So did we do good?
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Old 01-15-18, 08:11 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

Yes, but I would make her take the bus.
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Old 01-15-18, 08:22 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Is it wrong that the devil on my shoulder was grinning that big 'gotcha' grin?
Are you grinning for your daughter or at the expense of your daughter?
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Old 01-15-18, 09:32 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

It seems odd to me considering her age. But then again, the culture over there regarding age is probably different than it is here. I used to stay out all night with my friends at that age and my parents and my friends parents didn't seem that bothered at all.
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Old 01-15-18, 09:57 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

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Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
Yes, but I would make her take the bus.
So agreed. Taking on more work in order to see these consequences through isn't how the rest of the world works.

Real consequences mean she figures it out.


Cheers,
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Old 01-15-18, 10:36 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

When I was her age, regardless of the consequences or the act, if I got any feeling whatsoever that my parents felt joy in their punishing me, I'd be motivated to p*** them off even more every chance I got.

Up until the age of 16, my curfew was 10pm. After the age of 16, it was 11pm. I had better not be one minute late, or I was in big trouble, and if I tried to call to ask for more time, I was met with a very quick hell no. Grounding me was their usual method, but then there were also belts, belt buckles, threats of the juvenile detention center while they were packing my clothes for me, making me stay out with no access back into the house, etc.

I used to fall asleep at friend's houses A LOT and would forget to call, too. Sometimes it was because I was too f'd up from drugs and drinking that I was self-medicating with and knew I'd be in even bigger trouble if I called or made it home...or I just simply fell asleep because I was cozy and comfortable for a change...not something I often felt at home, unfortunately.

Grounding me never worked as an attempt to get me to change my overall behavior, only to get me to stop in the moments I HAD to be with them. It only served to make me much more creative in how I managed to still do what I wanted to do and more prone to do the exact opposite of what I was asked.

It also served to make me want to get the hell out of there as soon as I turned 18...which I did...by packing my belongings in a trash bag and hitting the road to couch surf everywhere humanly possible three days after my 18th born day...only to find myself in many years worth of yet another vicious cycle of poor choices and abusive scenarios.

Granted, I was being raised by parents who chose to blatantly ignore sexual abuse that was happening to both of their daughters at the hands of another and also physically abused us at times, all the while holding up their many masks of being "upstanding, reputable, respectful, and responsible community members" so therein may lie the significant difference in how your daughter responds vs. my direct experiences.

I also agree with not adding to your list of what needs to be done to accommodate your chosen punishments. You'll very likely feel resentment for having to do all that extra running and it'll show through in some form or fashion in your daily interactions with her, based on how I remember my mom treating us when she had to go out of her way for something after we got in trouble. She liked to throw salt in the wounds, to say the least.
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Old 01-15-18, 11:37 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

It's quite fair, as she can still get to her new job; and you as parents, are being consistent.
It's not some random sanction, that you said in anger, and then would regret and possibly change your mind.
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Old 01-15-18, 12:57 PM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

I guess I agree with Fraser that at 18 she might be a bit too old for punishment unless it's a natural consequence. Especially if it's HER car. If it's your car you've got every right to do with it what you want though

My parents never punished me for anything but at 18 the knowledge that they'd worry if I stayed out late was more effective than any punishment. Still I was always late and often forgot to call. Not that I'm advocating that you should guilt trip her. I just mean at 18 she probably understands why she should call and if she can't remember to call then maybe you can come up with some sort of other solution (eg you call her).

Also it really does seem to punish you more than her....
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Old 01-15-18, 12:59 PM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

Quote:
Originally Posted by Unmanagable View Post
When I was her age, regardless of the consequences or the act, if I got any feeling whatsoever that my parents felt joy in their punishing me, I'd be motivated to p*** them off even more every chance I got.

Up until the age of 16, my curfew was 10pm. After the age of 16, it was 11pm. I had better not be one minute late, or I was in big trouble, and if I tried to call to ask for more time, I was met with a very quick hell no. Grounding me was their usual method, but then there were also belts, belt buckles, threats of the juvenile detention center while they were packing my clothes for me, making me stay out with no access back into the house, etc.

I used to fall asleep at friend's houses A LOT and would forget to call, too. Sometimes it was because I was too f'd up from drugs and drinking that I was self-medicating with and knew I'd be in even bigger trouble if I called or made it home...or I just simply fell asleep because I was cozy and comfortable for a change...not something I often felt at home, unfortunately.

Grounding me never worked as an attempt to get me to change my overall behavior, only to get me to stop in the moments I HAD to be with them. It only served to make me much more creative in how I managed to still do what I wanted to do and more prone to do the exact opposite of what I was asked.

It also served to make me want to get the hell out of there as soon as I turned 18...which I did...by packing my belongings in a trash bag and hitting the road to couch surf everywhere humanly possible three days after my 18th born day...only to find myself in many years worth of yet another vicious cycle of poor choices and abusive scenarios.

Granted, I was being raised by parents who chose to blatantly ignore sexual abuse that was happening to both of their daughters at the hands of another and also physically abused us at times, all the while holding up their many masks of being "upstanding, reputable, respectful, and responsible community members" so therein may lie the significant difference in how your daughter responds vs. my direct experiences.

I also agree with not adding to your list of what needs to be done to accommodate your chosen punishments. You'll very likely feel resentment for having to do all that extra running and it'll show through in some form or fashion in your daily interactions with her, based on how I remember my mom treating us when she had to go out of her way for something after we got in trouble. She liked to throw salt in the wounds, to say the least.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry you had to grow up in such an environment. If I understand correctly though you are just narrating your experiences right? I mean Sarah's measures or punishment are not comparable to anything that you've mentioned at all..
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Old 01-15-18, 01:26 PM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

I was relating what I read to my direct experiences and sharing my thoughts on how I recall punishments playing out in my head at her daughter's age, regardless of the perceived or direct intent from the parental side...which is why I was so specific in my response.
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Old 01-15-18, 03:05 PM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

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Originally Posted by Unmanagable View Post
I was relating what I read to my direct experiences and sharing my thoughts on how I recall punishments playing out in my head at her daughter's age, regardless of the perceived or direct intent from the parental side...which is why I was so specific in my response.
Ok got it
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Old 01-16-18, 05:03 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

Wow. Boy I had my hopes up way to much. I guess I expected more support than it seems like Im getting. I will address each of you momentarily.
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Old 01-16-18, 05:05 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

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Yes, but I would make her take the bus.
My youngest was nearly sexually assaulted on the bus. Becca also had trouble last year with the sexual innuendo and assorted behaviors. It was brought to the schools attention but it still happens. So I dont mind driving the girls. Their safety and lack of sexual harassment is more important in this case.
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Old 01-16-18, 05:08 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

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Are you grinning for your daughter or at the expense of your daughter?
I should have worded that differently. I didnt actually grin, inside I felt proud that we were finally giving her consequences that were hitting home. Anyone who has followed the exploits of my baby girl knows that she hasnt had real consequences because there have been alot of mental health issues to address first. She has been inpatient 3 times in her life and the Bipolar/adhd impulsivity has caused her to make choices that were not good but punishing her during those times would have been counterproductive.
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Old 01-16-18, 05:10 AM
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Re: proud to say we took her car away for awhile

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Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
It seems odd to me considering her age. But then again, the culture over there regarding age is probably different than it is here. I used to stay out all night with my friends at that age and my parents and my friends parents didn't seem that bothered at all.
She is not 18 yet. She is 17 and put herself into situations that were dangerous or irresponsible. She lives with us and we are responsible for her so staying out all night with no calls because thats what she wanted to do is not ok.
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