ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > PARENTS OF CHILDREN WITH ADD/ADHD > General Parenting Issues
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-27-18, 07:07 PM
mildadhd mildadhd is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: America
Posts: 11,346
Thanks: 1,476
Thanked 1,005 Times in 756 Posts
mildadhd has disabled reputation
Owning up to my own faults.

Adults are not perfect either.

Adults need self-instruction.

Owning up to my own faults, when I am out of line, especially when I am short tempered with my son because I am tired, etc, helps my son own up to his own mistakes, helping us both.






M
__________________
"When people are suffering mentally, they want to feel better—they want to stop having bad emotions and start having good emotions." (-Temple Grandin)
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to mildadhd For This Useful Post:
CharlesH (01-30-18), Fuzzy12 (01-27-18), stef (01-28-18)
  #2  
Old 01-28-18, 05:33 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 25,898
Thanks: 5,607
Thanked 30,231 Times in 13,787 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

One of the most important things I have found is that saying your are sorry to your kids and letting them know you are human is more important than having them think you are perfect and impervious to error. Saying "Im sorry" lets kids know that you are imperfect and that is a beautiful thing.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
mildadhd (01-28-18), stef (01-28-18)
  #3  
Old 01-29-18, 11:53 AM
mildadhd mildadhd is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: America
Posts: 11,346
Thanks: 1,476
Thanked 1,005 Times in 756 Posts
mildadhd has disabled reputation
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
One of the most important things I have found is that saying your are sorry to your kids and letting them know you are human is more important than having them think you are perfect and impervious to error. Saying "Im sorry" lets kids know that you are imperfect and that is a beautiful thing.
Sure is.

Reduces a lot of unnecessary distresses from the shoulders’ of our childrens’ own self-expectations to please us.

Everyone knows the feeling that wants to make our parents proud.

Unfortunately ADHD can make making our parents proud, really hard.




M
__________________
"When people are suffering mentally, they want to feel better—they want to stop having bad emotions and start having good emotions." (-Temple Grandin)
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to mildadhd For This Useful Post:
DeClutter (01-31-18)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 01-29-18, 04:01 PM
Caco3girl Caco3girl is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: atlanta
Posts: 570
Thanks: 75
Thanked 554 Times in 327 Posts
Caco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to all
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mildadhd View Post
Sure is.

Reduces a lot of unnecessary distresses from the shoulders’ of our childrens’ own self-expectations to please us.

Everyone knows the feeling that wants to make our parents proud.

Unfortunately ADHD can make making our parents proud, really hard.




M
I don't know if I can agree with that statement. I'm proud of my son when he opens up a door for a lady. I'm proud when my daughter picks up a paper someone has dropped. I'm very proud when my son or daughter excels in something academically or sports related, or even when they make good choices.

My kids don't have to be perfect little angels 24/7 for me to be proud of them....sounds a bit boring actually.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-29-18, 05:51 PM
mildadhd mildadhd is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: America
Posts: 11,346
Thanks: 1,476
Thanked 1,005 Times in 756 Posts
mildadhd has disabled reputation
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
I don't know if I can agree with that statement. I'm proud of my son when he opens up a door for a lady. I'm proud when my daughter picks up a paper someone has dropped. I'm very proud when my son or daughter excels in something academically or sports related, or even when they make good choices.

My kids don't have to be perfect little angels 24/7 for me to be proud of them....sounds a bit boring actually.
If you were my mom, I would want to make you proud of me.

If I was your son, would you be proud of me, if I did not excel academically or in sports, daydream for a second and forget to hold the door for another person, unable to decide to pick up the piece of paper the person in front of me dropped, because I am trying to do 3 other things exact same time?







M
__________________
"When people are suffering mentally, they want to feel better—they want to stop having bad emotions and start having good emotions." (-Temple Grandin)

Last edited by mildadhd; 01-29-18 at 06:13 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-29-18, 06:27 PM
mildadhd mildadhd is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: America
Posts: 11,346
Thanks: 1,476
Thanked 1,005 Times in 756 Posts
mildadhd has disabled reputation
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mildadhd View Post
Adults are not perfect either.

Adults need self-instruction.

Owning up to my own faults, when I am out of line, especially when I am short tempered with my son because I am tired, etc, helps my son own up to his own mistakes, helping us both.






M
Since I started thread.

I admitted making mistakes twice during conversation with my son.

And my son has admitted making mistakes twice during our conversation.

And he does not know I am counting.





M
__________________
"When people are suffering mentally, they want to feel better—they want to stop having bad emotions and start having good emotions." (-Temple Grandin)
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to mildadhd For This Useful Post:
Fuzzy12 (01-29-18)
  #7  
Old 01-29-18, 08:53 PM
mildadhd mildadhd is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: America
Posts: 11,346
Thanks: 1,476
Thanked 1,005 Times in 756 Posts
mildadhd has disabled reputation
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

I am starting to like being wrong, when my son is right.

Gives me buzz, to see him happily take control of his own mind and for me to have a little more control over mine.






M
__________________
"When people are suffering mentally, they want to feel better—they want to stop having bad emotions and start having good emotions." (-Temple Grandin)
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-30-18, 05:29 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 25,898
Thanks: 5,607
Thanked 30,231 Times in 13,787 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Also wanted to add that apologizing teaches our kids to own up to their mistakes and to apologize and move on- not dwell on what was wrong. Guilt and shame can be the most damaging to all humans but kids especially. Growing up with that undercurrent of shame and guilt cost me a lot as an adult. I needed therapy and sobriety to get past it all.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
aeon (01-30-18), Lunacie (01-30-18), stef (01-30-18)
  #9  
Old 01-30-18, 08:35 AM
Caco3girl Caco3girl is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: atlanta
Posts: 570
Thanks: 75
Thanked 554 Times in 327 Posts
Caco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to all
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mildadhd View Post
If you were my mom, I would want to make you proud of me.

If I was your son, would you be proud of me, if I did not excel academically or in sports, daydream for a second and forget to hold the door for another person, unable to decide to pick up the piece of paper the person in front of me dropped, because I am trying to do 3 other things exact same time?


M
I am positive that if you were my kid I would find SOMETHING to be proud of you for. Maybe it was your fashion sense, or the detailed way you lined up the trash cans, perhaps how you took care of your teeth or hair.

Last night my son was driving with his permit and I was in the front passenger seat. He pulled into the pharmacy parking lot while staying on the right side of the driveway, not just taking his part out of the middle like most people do. I complimented him on it. He smiled and said "yeah, it's so annoying when people do that!" I said "remember what annoys you in life and try not to do that to others." he agreed that was a good idea.

Our kids don't have to be over the top good at something for a parent to be proud, or comment on it. If parents have an exceptionally challenging child I would hope the parents would look for the little things to compliment them on. Sometimes those are just as important as the over the top good things, and it's important for kids to know their parents approve of them in some way....even if it's "Thank you for remembering to use a glass and not just drink from the milk jug".
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Caco3girl For This Useful Post:
aeon (01-30-18), CharlesH (01-30-18), Little Missy (01-30-18), sarahsweets (01-30-18), stef (01-30-18)
  #10  
Old 01-30-18, 11:42 AM
mildadhd mildadhd is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: America
Posts: 11,346
Thanks: 1,476
Thanked 1,005 Times in 756 Posts
mildadhd has disabled reputation
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
I am positive that if you were my kid I would find SOMETHING to be proud of you for. Maybe it was your fashion sense, or the detailed way you lined up the trash cans, perhaps how you took care of your teeth or hair.

Last night my son was driving with his permit and I was in the front passenger seat. He pulled into the pharmacy parking lot while staying on the right side of the driveway, not just taking his part out of the middle like most people do. I complimented him on it. He smiled and said "yeah, it's so annoying when people do that!" I said "remember what annoys you in life and try not to do that to others." he agreed that was a good idea.

Our kids don't have to be over the top good at something for a parent to be proud, or comment on it. If parents have an exceptionally challenging child I would hope the parents would look for the little things to compliment them on. Sometimes those are just as important as the over the top good things, and it's important for kids to know their parents approve of them in some way....even if it's "Thank you for remembering to use a glass and not just drink from the milk jug".
Can you understand how living with ADHD can make living up to own expectations and others expectations even harder?




M
__________________
"When people are suffering mentally, they want to feel better—they want to stop having bad emotions and start having good emotions." (-Temple Grandin)
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 01-30-18, 12:31 PM
mildadhd mildadhd is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: America
Posts: 11,346
Thanks: 1,476
Thanked 1,005 Times in 756 Posts
mildadhd has disabled reputation
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Caco3girl

I think it is great if you recognize how ADHD can make the child’s own self-expectations and societies expectations even harder.

I think it is great if you are unconditionally proud of your children, no matter what.

I do not think all parents with children who have ADHD, understand the pressures we put on ourselves to live up to our own self-expectations and the expectations of others?

Many people, (including many people who have ADHD), think we are just being lazy.





M
__________________
"When people are suffering mentally, they want to feel better—they want to stop having bad emotions and start having good emotions." (-Temple Grandin)

Last edited by mildadhd; 01-30-18 at 12:44 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-31-18, 09:20 AM
Caco3girl Caco3girl is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: atlanta
Posts: 570
Thanks: 75
Thanked 554 Times in 327 Posts
Caco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to all
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mildadhd View Post
Caco3girl

I think it is great if you recognize how ADHD can make the child’s own self-expectations and societies expectations even harder.

I think it is great if you are unconditionally proud of your children, no matter what.

I do not think all parents with children who have ADHD, understand the pressures we put on ourselves to live up to our own self-expectations and the expectations of others?

Many people, (including many people who have ADHD), think we are just being lazy.





M
My ex husband thinks our son is lazy, and thinks ADHD is fake. So I do understand. However, that was one of the major things that led to the divorce...I thought something was "wrong", he thought being hard on the boy would make him into a man.

Both my kids are hard on themselves. They have issues seeing that life is a process, and things are not immediate. What percentage of 14 year olds are throwing a baseball 80mph....I don't know, but it can't be many, but my son wasn't happy with it because it wasn't 90. What percentage of 3rd graders still have trouble reading, not sure, but it has to be a good amount...it doesn't mean my daughter is dumb (like she says), it just means it will take longer. They are both hard on themselves, and I do try to point out why their negative views of themselves are skewed.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Caco3girl For This Useful Post:
aeon (01-31-18), stef (01-31-18)
  #13  
Old 01-31-18, 12:32 PM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 25,898
Thanks: 5,607
Thanked 30,231 Times in 13,787 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Something else I thought of: There has to be a healthy balance of faults/flaws and what we tell our children and how we praise them. Too much praise for every little thing and your kid could be the one who cant tolerate any sort of criticism or expects everyone to be proud of him/her. Somethings just are what they are. I dont think certain things need praise or even criticism. I dont praise my kids for being safe drivers just because they havent had a car accident. I expect them to be safe drivers because those are the rules. I admit me when I am wrong but I dont go on and on about being so wrong, explaining every last tidbit of info about why I am wrong. Kids do not always need to hear that. Some things are best kept to yourself. My kids are aware of my alcoholism and my AA meetings. They know the chaos and stress it put on them and I have made amends. Do they know the nitty gritty parts? Like how I would bribe the garbage men to take my bottles when it wasnt recycle day and mixed in with the trash? Do I share that I missed certain things they did not because I was sick but because I had to drink? No, cause thats almost like re-victimising (IMO).
Censorship with kids is sometimes a must and there is nothing wrong with that.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sarahsweets For This Useful Post:
aeon (01-31-18), stef (01-31-18)
  #14  
Old 01-31-18, 01:11 PM
aeon's Avatar
aeon aeon is online now
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: The North
Posts: 8,044
Thanks: 24,061
Thanked 13,602 Times in 6,076 Posts
aeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond reputeaeon has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I dont praise my kids for being safe drivers just because they havent had a car accident. I expect them to be safe drivers because those are the rules.
In my birth family, this was taken to extremes.

For example, the expectation and standard was that I would get straight “A”s.

And out of the combo of my brain and my fear, I did, year after year.

Once I asked why there was no praise or reward for doing so, and I was told that I was not going to receive praise for meeting the minimum standard.

I never got praised for anything.

It had long lasting effects, in that as an adult, I would set impossibly high standards for myself, and cause myself all manner of stress and anxiety in trying to meet them.

And deep down, I wanted praise, I wanted something, anything, as an external proof, a validation of my existence, my person. I just wanted to be recognized...for who I was.

And I was ashamed of that, wanting that, needing that...which resulted in all manner of behaviors...going above and beyond, but never taking credit, doing all manner of volunteer work where I knew I would be anonymous, joking about myself in a self-disparaging, self-deprecating way while being shameless about praise-seeking.

But yeah, as a child, I thought if when I was done scrubbing the tub, if there was a mark left anywhere, it was a sign, a proof of my unworth, my being unlovable, my being unforgivable. And so I would scrub and scrub until my hands cracked and bled, and in the end, the tub would be perfect, and that meant I had met the standard.

And no praise would be forthcoming...because a gleaming tub was the expectation.

I didn’t mean to go on and on based on one little bit of what you said, because it takes you out of context, and becomes hyperbole to what you said, but I can’t deny that I read that and the pain in me was hot and electric, and there was no hiding my face or my tears or my shaking.

I think they call that being “triggered.”


Cheers,
Ian
__________________
@>~,~~'~ Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
“Well, look who I ran into,” crowed Coincidence. “Please,” flirted Fate, “this was meant to be.”
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to aeon For This Useful Post:
Caco3girl (01-31-18), Lunacie (01-31-18), stef (01-31-18)
  #15  
Old 01-31-18, 01:58 PM
Caco3girl Caco3girl is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: atlanta
Posts: 570
Thanks: 75
Thanked 554 Times in 327 Posts
Caco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to allCaco3girl is a name known to all
Re: Owning up to my own faults.

I do believe there are minimum expectations, however, I think the way parents help the kids when they don't meet the standard is telling. Do they yell and scream about doing it again until it is right, or do they say things like "Hey, I see there is still a spot there, was it hard to get off? Did you need help?"...sometimes the kid goes, oh gosh, I didn't see it and gets to it, but sometimes they really do need help.

It is totally fine to have expectations for kids, within reason, and within the normal range. For example, grades are a requirement at my house BUT I chose 80%, not 90%. And it has to be an 80% average over all. If you have a 75% in English, but an 85% in Geometry, then you are fine because it averages to an 80%. Acceptance that the child may have a glitch is the difference in these scenarios. Acceptance of special circumstances also is good. If his grade went down due to one assignment we discussed what happened and if it could have been prevented, or did he just glitch on the first test of the semester but can rebound on the next 3?
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Caco3girl For This Useful Post:
aeon (01-31-18), Fuzzy12 (01-31-18)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A wish of owning my own mind. Warning, super long post :p Karamo General ADD Talk 3 03-18-14 11:25 AM
Owning a Business with ADD iBroke Careers/Job Impact 5 05-13-13 06:41 PM
Owning a business and ADD eddie_teddy Careers/Job Impact 4 08-08-11 07:11 AM
ADD and Owning A Pet - please help! sunnysideup General ADD Talk 64 03-22-05 05:11 PM
"To Err is Human..but to Forgive not so divine" - being ADD and unforgiven for faults Draga General ADD Talk 41 02-08-05 08:51 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:16 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums