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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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Old 01-31-18, 02:52 PM
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Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Im so sorry for the pain I may have triggered. Truly. I should have been more succinct or specific. I was talking about over-praise in the sense of praise for every single thing-ever.
Standards and setting them based on the individual are different. Some place more importance on grades, cleaning, honesty, success with sports, social success etc. I tend to not expect success with stuff I struggle with so my standards are lower.

I struggle with housework. The common areas usually vary between messy hot spots, "lived in clutter" or fairly clean. (not filth) just picked up. So the kid's rooms are their spaces-no food allowed, laundry and clothing storage-often chairs, floors, tops of dressers-their problem. Washing clothes-their problem. I do my youngest daughters wash usually because I combine it with mine. Everyone else does their own including the husband. Grades- they all have adhd and are capable of different things. Son made dean's list but struggled in high school with math-so a C was fine. Oldest daughter struggled her whole life through middle school so passing was good enough. Youngest daughter is average. I guess I tailor the expectations to the individual. But I dont believe in the excessive praise that I see with some parents around me.

Most of these parents are older parents with younger children. I am 42 and my oldest is 21 and youngest is 14. I see parents my age but with first graders-which is fine- but they tend to be the ones who praise their kids for getting up in the morning. Or for not smacking their teacher. Or for not stealing. "Good job Jonny, its so good that you didnt steal that candy that I said you couldnt have". Its that kind of...false praise? Participation praise that I cant get behind. And so when it comes to my flaws- and saying sorry- I do my best but not every gory detail of every single wrong needs to be addressed and apologized for.
If I harm someone its my duty to apologize of course, and make amends- but with my kids, there are some things that would hurt them to know and hear my apology about- and harm is not the idea. I dont know if I am making sense. Honesty is at the top of the list for me. Whether its a good issue or a problem, honesty is what will get you the most understanding from me.
In general kids need praise to build self worth and self esteem. But they need praise for working hard or it wont mean anything. Even if they work hard and it doesnt turn out the way they want- its the hard work that gets praised, not the end result. Kids are not stupid. They can spot false praise. I also dont believe in distracted praise as in- Im scrolling on my phone and a kid tells me they did something good and the stock answer is "thats nice dear". Fake praise is almost as bad as no praise.
Sorry to hijack but I wanted to explain better what I mean after Aeon shared his truth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeon View Post
In my birth family, this was taken to extremes.

For example, the expectation and standard was that I would get straight “A”s.

And out of the combo of my brain and my fear, I did, year after year.

Once I asked why there was no praise or reward for doing so, and I was told that I was not going to receive praise for meeting the minimum standard.

I never got praised for anything.

It had long lasting effects, in that as an adult, I would set impossibly high standards for myself, and cause myself all manner of stress and anxiety in trying to meet them.

And deep down, I wanted praise, I wanted something, anything, as an external proof, a validation of my existence, my person. I just wanted to be recognized...for who I was.

And I was ashamed of that, wanting that, needing that...which resulted in all manner of behaviors...going above and beyond, but never taking credit, doing all manner of volunteer work where I knew I would be anonymous, joking about myself in a self-disparaging, self-deprecating way while being shameless about praise-seeking.

But yeah, as a child, I thought if when I was done scrubbing the tub, if there was a mark left anywhere, it was a sign, a proof of my unworth, my being unlovable, my being unforgivable. And so I would scrub and scrub until my hands cracked and bled, and in the end, the tub would be perfect, and that meant I had met the standard.

And no praise would be forthcoming...because a gleaming tub was the expectation.

I didn’t mean to go on and on based on one little bit of what you said, because it takes you out of context, and becomes hyperbole to what you said, but I can’t deny that I read that and the pain in me was hot and electric, and there was no hiding my face or my tears or my shaking.

I think they call that being “triggered.”


Cheers,
Ian
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Old 01-31-18, 03:12 PM
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Re: Owning up to my own faults.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Im so sorry for the pain I may have triggered. Truly.
Thanks for that, but truly, no apology necessary...I was just going off on my own tangent in thinking about my experience of praise, or lack thereof.

I knew you were addressing those parents that give praise for every little thing, if not praising the child directly for who they are as opposed to what they have done.

My sense is that kind of environment is just as damaging, albeit in a totally different way.


Cheers,
Ian
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