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  #1  
Old 02-15-18, 06:57 PM
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When your word means nothing

I could live with the inability to pay attention, the little mistakes I make or even the emotional dysregulation. What I absolutely hate is the lack of control over myself. How can anyone life like this?

I've got no power over my actions. The only reason why I haven't murdered, caused grievous bodily harm, raped or robbed is because I have no desire to do so. If I did, I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

It's a thought that scares the hell out of me. Doesn't it scare anyone else? What's worse is that it robs me of any pleasure except for that which is easily and instantaneously obtained. I'm so angry and right now I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself.
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Old 02-15-18, 07:19 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

yes, this scares me at times to. I do also feel this way at times
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Old 02-15-18, 08:01 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

Of course it scares me, but my word does mean something.

I can also change my mind.
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Old 02-15-18, 08:18 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

Tbh, you're one of the least scary people to me.

You have such an incredibly big heart. From the private debates forum, I'd say you are one of the most if not the most empathetic people on this board.

The scary people aren't you who doesn't have the slightest desire to hurt people in any way. It's the people who desire to rape, rob, murder. Most people in general don't care enough about others even if they don't rape or murder (robbing comes in difference forms and I'd say it's actually common among people as most are selfish). I'd be less scared with you out of control than many other people in control.

The only thing I'm afraid of with you out of control is not you hurting others but you hurting yourself. Not sure I should be saying this but I feel like you are beating yourself up for nothing right now. Have you gone to get meds again? From your previous posts it seemed like they might help. I wonder if there's some chemical imbalance or something since you had a baby.
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Old 02-17-18, 07:40 AM
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Re: When your word means nothing

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I could live with the inability to pay attention, the little mistakes I make or even the emotional dysregulation. What I absolutely hate is the lack of control over myself. How can anyone life like this?

I've got no power over my actions. The only reason why I haven't murdered, caused grievous bodily harm, raped or robbed is because I have no desire to do so. If I did, I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

It's a thought that scares the hell out of me. Doesn't it scare anyone else? What's worse is that it robs me of any pleasure except for that which is easily and instantaneously obtained. I'm so angry and right now I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself.
Fuzzy- what you describe reminds me of Narcississm and you arent a Narcissist. A Narcissist would have no concern over rules, or hurting people. A narcissist would have no concern over hurting someone to fill their own void and in some cases where there is sociopathy involved it could go as far as murder or crime. That's not you. You have the ability to care for others.(Ive seen it here) you have the ability to feel and demonstrate love. I dont believe for a minute that just because you do not have the desire to hurt people, that that's the only thing keeping you from doing so. And you mentioned your word means nothing. What do you mean? Do you mean you promise things and then give up on them? Do you mean youll say you will do something and then give a big FU to someone elses feelings and not do it? I dont see that either.
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Old 02-19-18, 06:19 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I could live with the inability to pay attention, the little mistakes I make or even the emotional dysregulation. What I absolutely hate is the lack of control over myself. How can anyone life like this?
I find there is some room to learn, so I am sometimes almost centered, or at least less distracted. How do I live like this? I sort of think, that my only significant choice (not sure if this is true) is to accept what is, so if I have a lack of control (or do I feel I have a lack of control, or is this a self-belief?) then at least learn to not be in opposition to myself so much.

I've got no power over my actions. The only reason why I haven't murdered, caused grievous bodily harm, raped or robbed is because I have no desire to do so. If I did, I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

When I say this to myself, I want to stop the overgeneralizations. E.g. I often feel I have no power over my actions, and I often act impulsively but I am learning to have some power sometimes. As to the grevious bodily harm and no desire, well where is the desire? Surely something shows up sometimes?

It's a thought that scares the hell out of me. Doesn't it scare anyone else? What's worse is that it robs me of any pleasure except for that which is easily and instantaneously obtained. I'm so angry and right now I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself.

I am not sure what scares the hell out of me. Maybe a sense there is no self to scare out? But Yes I know the instant pleasure rule of life. Where the present is, and I am in it but not quite. A conflicted past, and the future is like some endless horizon with nothing on it. I thought certainty would come to me several decades ago. This much I have learned to live with, but the lack of consistency, a tough one.



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Old 02-19-18, 07:18 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

This year at a family holiday dinner everyone was discussing their plans for the future, when someone asked me.

Instead of telling them what I was planning to do.

I simply said, “I am not sure”.

The room went silent for a second then the conversation was directed to another subject.

I felt it was a great accomplishment for me, to just tell the truth and say,” I am not sure”, than to try to live up others expectations.

I feel am getting more things done this year so far, than ever before, one step at a time, rather than to try and keep up with others.



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Old 02-19-18, 07:40 PM
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Lightbulb Re: When your word means nothing

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Originally Posted by acdc01 View Post
Tbh, you're one of the least scary people to me.

You have such an incredibly big heart. From the private debates forum, I'd say you are one of the most if not the most empathetic people on this board.

The scary people aren't you who doesn't have the slightest desire to hurt people in any way. It's the people who desire to rape, rob, murder. Most people in general don't care enough about others even if they don't rape or murder (robbing comes in difference forms and I'd say it's actually common among people as most are selfish). I'd be less scared with you out of control than many other people in control.

The only thing I'm afraid of with you out of control is not you hurting others but you hurting yourself. Not sure I should be saying this but I feel like you are beating yourself up for nothing right now. Have you gone to get meds again? From your previous posts it seemed like they might help. I wonder if there's some chemical imbalance or something since you had a baby.
Thanks for the kind words.i have intrusive thoughts sometimes, which scare me but that's a whole other topic.

I don't think I'm quite the saint you guys think me to be. I am fairly selfish. A lot of my conflicts both external and internal arise from that.

I did exaggerate of course. I do have a modicum of self control. I just don't BV trust tenough to trust myself never hurt myself or others.

Sorry falling asleeo
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Old 02-22-18, 09:26 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Fuzzy- what you describe reminds me of Narcississm and you arent a Narcissist. A Narcissist would have no concern over rules, or hurting people. A narcissist would have no concern over hurting someone to fill their own void and in some cases where there is sociopathy involved it could go as far as murder or crime. That's not you. You have the ability to care for others.(Ive seen it here) you have the ability to feel and demonstrate love. I dont believe for a minute that just because you do not have the desire to hurt people, that that's the only thing keeping you from doing so. And you mentioned your word means nothing. What do you mean? Do you mean you promise things and then give up on them? Do you mean youll say you will do something and then give a big FU to someone elses feelings and not do it? I dont see that either.
I mean, there's a huge gap between what i think I will do and what I actually do. It's not a gap. They are barely related. My thoughts have almost no bearing on my actions. This is true for small things (I'm parched. I'll get up to drink water) to big things.
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Old 02-22-18, 09:56 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I mean, there's a huge gap between what i think I will do and what I actually do. It's not a gap. They are barely related. My thoughts have almost no bearing on my actions. This is true for small things (I'm parched. I'll get up to drink water) to big things.
Shame is a secondary emotion that children and adults who suffer from ADHD experience over and over again, from early childhood.

Symptoms of ADHD wreak havoc on our self esteem.

If there was one thing I would want families and friends of children and adults who have ADHD to understand, is how much we want to be successful, and want to make our families and friends feel proud of us, etc, and how much harder having ADHD makes these goals.








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Old 02-24-18, 04:02 PM
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Re: When your word means nothing

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I mean, there's a huge gap between what i think I will do and what I actually do. It's not a gap. They are barely related. My thoughts have almost no bearing on my actions. This is true for small things (I'm parched. I'll get up to drink water) to big things.
I know this feeling...
When I was a kid they made me go to boring school every day and I wanted to travel and explore the world....

My thoughts were quite disconnected from my daily boring routine.

Who'd wanna be "connected" to a boring life ?

The moment I felt connected was when I started working on my dreams instead of following the daily crapouine engineered by "someone else"
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Old 02-25-18, 08:16 AM
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Re: When your word means nothing

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I mean, there's a huge gap between what i think I will do and what I actually do. It's not a gap. They are barely related. My thoughts have almost no bearing on my actions. This is true for small things (I'm parched. I'll get up to drink water) to big things.
This is true for a lot of us. What I think I will do and what I actually do often dont match up. This doesnt mean my word isnt good. Sometimes it has to do with self care and protection. Like, if I give my word to bake brownies for a party and I end up getting sick-not enough to miss the party but enough to require rest and avoiding the extra work of baking, I dont think there is anything wrong with contacting the host about it. I try to stick to my word when its important. I never make promises hardly at all cause through the alcoholism I would break promises left and right. Now I only say 'I promise' when I a certain I will follow through. This mostly applies to my kids.
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Old 02-25-18, 09:13 AM
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Re: When your word means nothing

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I mean, there's a huge gap between what i think I will do and what I actually do. It's not a gap. They are barely related. My thoughts have almost no bearing on my actions. This is true for small things (I'm parched. I'll get up to drink water) to big things.
Sorry to hear, Fuzz. At least for now you have enough strength to get out of bed and to feed yourself. Best Wishes, -LN
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