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Old 03-02-18, 11:46 PM
carlcop carlcop is offline
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Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Today, my wife told my kids something and a I felt she was scolding them. So I went to her why she scolded them and asked to go with me and ask the kids. To my surprise, the kids answered she disn't scold them and that she asked them nicely! I now feel bad and confused.
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Old 03-03-18, 01:17 AM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

yes, i think you can

do you think it happens a lot , could be nothing or somehow related to ADHD

some think people with ADHD,anxiety,etc emotional disorders can have a negative bias when interpreting social cues

i think anger and imagined criticism are 2 that we really can have a bias for, and see when they arent there

or you can have a very astute ability to pick up emotions and sense passive aggression in your wifes statement that children may not be familiar with yet
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Old 03-03-18, 03:13 AM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Yes, I think so too, we get a lot of negativity;
also you might be particularly attuned and empathetic ( sorry i am not sure if those are actual words!)

I'm sensitive to tones of voice,
although i'm sometimes wrong and someone is just tired, often i can tell if something is "off". This used to drive my mom crazy. she would try to sound chipper and bright on the phone but I always knew

the downside of this is assuming people are angry with you when they aren't, but it's an advantage at work for example (dont bother X with that right now, it can wait, they are having a bad day ), and well the occasion just to say a kind word when someone may need it.
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Old 03-03-18, 07:51 AM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Sometimes tone is a way to passive aggressively mean something but saying something else.
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Old 03-03-18, 03:50 PM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Yes, I think so ...

And this can run both ways.

One, you may have a sensitivity to a particular tone that your kids don't have, at least they don't have that sensitivity with your wife, their mother.

And/or your kids have thicker skin than you have ... and they don't interpret mom's tone as indicating they are less loved or anything like that.

Also, you guys put the kids in a "no-win" situation. Maybe the kids did agree with you, but they didn't want to embarrass mom--in front of you. Further, sometimes kids don't want to admit to ambivalent feelings about a parent--even to themselves! (Certain teenagers excepted.)

Great story. Reminds me that my mom would say that she would hear/see people talking really rudely to my dad, but that my dad just didn't register the offense. It just didn't occur to him to feel bad about this. She was stunned, and seemed to think my dad had some form of social awkwardness that protected him.

On the other hand, she was far more sensitive to people's tones (and far more aware of "critical" tones) than he was.

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Old 03-08-18, 04:04 AM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Yeah.

I also have this problem. Sometimes, I think my ex was shouting at me when in fact he isn't. I'd try to tell him off. That's probably why the relationship didn't work out in the first place.
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Old 03-08-18, 11:05 AM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

If it doesn't **** off your wife, go ask her if she was mad at the kids when she spoke to them and see what she says.

If she was mad which I suspect she was, you are more in tune with your wife (either cause you know her better or because you are just more sensitive in general). If she wasnt, then I'm less certain why. Could be just a one time mistake, could be you have more difficulties interpreting others emotions, a lot of things.
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Old 03-08-18, 10:57 PM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
Great story. Reminds me that my mom would say that she would hear/see people talking really rudely to my dad, but that my dad just didn't register the offense. It just didn't occur to him to feel bad about this. She was stunned, and seemed to think my dad had some form of social awkwardness that protected him.
I miss my social awkwardness which protected me when I was 15. That was one of the best years in my life.
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Old 03-09-18, 04:55 AM
Angnremorse Angnremorse is offline
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

This usually happens when people think that you arent "open" enough.. whaterve TF that even means. This has been my experience as a manager for the past year; people will speak at you as if you are impossable and as if they feel the necessity to speak to you like that because you give them anxiety. It is not your imagination..people are too much of cowards to admit that they are speaking like this though so you end up driving yourself nuts.
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Old 03-30-18, 04:00 PM
Urobouros Urobouros is offline
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

This is one of my worst symptoms. It makes me SUPER uncomfortable when people are mad at me and very, very angry when it's not my fault. This problem has been a major source of fights with my wife. This morning was a doozy...In my case, I've gotten 3rd party opinions of some of our interactions and others confirm it wasn't an attack. I'm sure there are some times where her tone is actually crabby and she either didn't realize or didn't mean to so my defensiveness was actually unwarranted. It's often just he said/she said and it's been established that I don't always know.

I find it quite odd that, as an actor throughout childhood and my first round of college to even when I was on tour, I could happily take criticism. Now I start to blame others and lash out. There's a lot of these instances where I'm so mad I could scream where I'm later trying to figure WTF happened.
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Old 03-31-18, 09:12 AM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Hi Uro, I'm guessing you've explained your situation w/ your wife. Can you control/stop lashing out when provoked and angered? (Still be angry, but force yourself to not lash out.) If you can, maybe restrain yourself and tell your wife as calmly as possible that you perceived her (list appropriate actions) as an angry attack directed at you and you need a second to calm down. Not so much a solution, but as way to switch to a constructive dialogue and involve your wife to help. Jus' a thought. -LN

PS This makes me recall a few days after quitting cigarettes and finding myself screaming at my wife at the top of my lungs while in our pantry about some "way" she organized something. It was like someone flipped a switch. I just stopped screaming like a fool, sincerely apologized, and we discussed ways I could try to minimize raging and what she would try to do to help. The talking/involving helped.
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Old 04-02-18, 02:21 PM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

That's exactly what we're trying now. If I feel like I'm going to lash out, I just leave the room. I'm also working on adjusting my reactions. When she speaks louder in order to be heard from a distance, the tone can sound a little frustrated. Over the years I've learned to reassess the situation to take context into consideration. It's worked for the most part so I'm trying to do the same with all my reactions. We've been married over 18 years and I've spent a long time thinking it wasn't me so it's not the easiest change to affect but I know it's possible. For me, that's the trick. If I know I can do it, regardless how hard, then I can't give up because it's just down to tenacity and I'll be damned if I'm not the most stubborn person I've ever met!
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Old 04-02-18, 10:34 PM
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Re: Can I think that someone spoke as if he/she was mad and not really be?

Quote:
Originally Posted by daveddd View Post
yes, i think you can

do you think it happens a lot , could be nothing or somehow related to ADHD

some think people with ADHD,anxiety,etc emotional disorders can have a negative bias when interpreting social cues

i think anger and imagined criticism are 2 that we really can have a bias for, and see when they arent there

or you can have a very astute ability to pick up emotions and sense passive aggression in your wifes statement that children may not be familiar with yet
As a rule it relates to hyperarousal- a highly activated sympathetic nervous system, with low parasympathetic activity biases your perceptions- so you are more likely to see negativity in others.

This is well covered in current neurological theory-- see Polyvagal Theory by Prof Stephen Porges.

There are lots of things you can do to address this balance- relaxation exercises, yoga, meditation. Most recently I have been using a TENS machine modified to clip to my ear and act as a Vagus (parasympathetic) nerve stimulator.
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