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Old 03-07-18, 05:16 PM
Angnremorse Angnremorse is offline
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I'm a manager? What a joke.. someone help

So Ive always appeared as intelligent and well spoken..I guess..yet was always whispered and laughed at for being aloof, oddly quiet or a walking fire cracker..if you could picture that. I've always been an oddball, and a mess who people seem to have misconceptions about. They say I'm down on myself, too negative, or not trusting of my judgement but how the hell can I be trusting of my judgement when I literally cant do things that children can do? How the hell am I a manager? How the hell was I ever in honors classes throughout junior high if I could barely maintain a 65 average in math?

I tell you why.. because as a female with my problem Ive always got by on the fact that I'm quiet. It presents a great, yet vulnerable image in which people believe that I am truly innocent and aloof on purpose. Surely I am too smart to follow social trends, go out and party, or to have had a baby/ boyfriend at a young age. They think that the fact that I've never attended college is because I'm lazy, or the "spoiled baby" of the family who just needs a push.. the truth is , is that the reason my life is seemingly chill and has great potential to progress, and the reason that I seem to stubborn and lazy to do so are one in the same. I'm a ******* mess. I'm so much of a damn mess.

You know I'm 28 years old, and had gotten fired from my 8 year job because of an explosive temper. I had gotten fed up with everyone thinking I was stupid for being absent minded. This problem has followed me around. Even though my boss at my current company promoted me, I believe the promotion wasn't waranted becuase it was due to my dedication toward work and not toward my skill level. You see I work overnight in freight, and had issues as an associate with keeping a clean area, focusing, and getting shut done on time. While the other workers easily packed out 30 cases an hour and completed clean up and all sorts of crap on time.. i did like 15 cases an hour and was surrounded by a mess....I was feeling so defeated.. chronic depression is real.. and I'm reminded of this when I think of the substance abuse that I used to numb the pain at the worst possible time.. what am I, and what was I thinking?

I started showing up to work high or drunk, and found that I was able to pack out 200 cases in 4 hours.. such risks I took, because I felt unappreciated and like I would never be able to change. One day my manager asked me if I was interested in growth in the company.. I reluctantly said yes due to the fact that I'm a hot mess and I simply know it, but it was an eventual yes nevertheless.. to be clear it's an assistant manager position, the position of freight manager, and the first store manager I worked under I wanted to ring his neck because he was an even bigger mess than me, yet I'd get the blame for both his mistakes and mine.. he had me.. a one hundred pound female working off the clock to push bales outside in the rain because he cant schedule people at the right time. I couldnt stand this guy and just as I was going to swallow a hard pill and leave, I was transferred to another store. This was last week mind you..

I've been in this company for 3 years but I still cant do something simple that a child could do. For example it takes me 3 hours to make a bale and find good uboats for my team to pack but it only takes others a half an hour to do so.. I can not keep track of my belongings and lay them all over the store, because if I take the time to keep my belongings organized I wind up packing out 73 cases while everyone else does 200. I watch other peopleorgnize their stuff with ease. They keep their area clean, pack out, and keep everything together all while finishing on time or even early. The stuff they display looks great, yet all of my stuff looks like garbage, despite me taking more time to pay attention and put it on the shelf. I cant even organize the stockroom or see uboats thatare right in front of my face. I dug through a bin for two hours when there was a good uboat I with all the catering stuff I needed right at the front of the stockroom. I cant take this.

Everyone else does my job better than me and slowing down doesent help. My boss micromanages me because of my poor judgement and I miss details of whats written right in front of me even after sitting down and wasting like 20 minutes making sure I've read it over and have everything prepared. No one else seems to take this time to read communications; its like their magic or something. How can they get done so fast and with such ease? My mental flexability is just not there. Plus I walk around, no joke wasting about 40 minutes of collected time walking around looking for a shopping cart that I literally just had in my hand before I wentto check up on my workers. I cant remember from one sec to the damn next. Whats wrong with me.

I'm only 28 and this ruins every aspect of my life. I'm depressed and drown myself in like 8 bottles of alcohol as soon as I get out of work which is 8 AM. Somehow I am able to work and function the same as I would whether or not I had drank for an entire week. I been so bad this week that I park my car and dont wanna get in the house. I drink and then lose my judgement and go walk out for more. I feel like I've never felt before.. like I'm in a grave suffocating, with no where else to go. Its like the only option i have to stop the suffocation is death. I sit there parked in the car staring, feeling like I'm trapped in dirt, like this is the end. I only have one option. I come in the house and lay down and I feel the same way. It starts feeling like literal suffocation and I think about hanging myself or drinking anti freeze.

The only thing stopping me is that I wouldnt be there to comfort my family through grief. That's sad enough to have stopped me. Weirdest thing ever is that although I felt like that the entirety of last week I mysteriously snapped out of it and am feeling giddy. Have long thought Ive had bi polar, think or rather know that I have add, and the fact that I'm a failure is triggering this type of depression into over drive. Im stuck.

I cant handle being such a failure at this point in my life. It was cute when I was 5 and my teacher told me I was scatterbrained, or laughed when I only took one of the six papers she was giving out, and was getting to be concerning to me when I was 11 and still didnt know my school schedule by june.... however its become crushing that now at the age of 28, I can do nothing but reflect upon myself, because I'm stuck in a tight space with a mirror all up in my face. I can see the failure......but I can't look away.

Someone help.

Last edited by Greyhound1; 03-07-18 at 08:03 PM.. Reason: Added paragraphs and removed religious profanity per guidelines
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Old 03-08-18, 04:04 AM
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Re: I'm a manager? What a joke.. someone help

Im so sorry you are going through this. I suggest you get the drinking under control. No good decisions can be made under the influence. Im speaking as an alcoholic in recovery. I also suggest you see a psyche doc and therapist asap. You cant continue on the path you are on.
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Old 03-08-18, 08:28 AM
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Re: I'm a manager? What a joke.. someone help

Sarahs right. Go see a psychiatrist and therapist that special in adhd asap. Go to AA too.

What you're doing right now is self-medicating with alcohol I think. That's common among untreated adhders so it's not like you're doing anything other people don't do too. Hopefully if you get treatment, it'll be easier to stop drinking.
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Old 03-08-18, 09:33 AM
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Re: I'm a manager? What a joke.. someone help

There was more I wanted to add.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angnremorse View Post
I tell you why.. because as a female with my problem Ive always got by on the fact that I'm quiet. It presents a great, yet vulnerable image in which people believe that I am truly innocent and aloof on purpose. Surely I am too smart to follow social trends, go out and party, or to have had a baby/ boyfriend at a young age. They think that the fact that I've never attended college is because I'm lazy, or the "spoiled baby" of the family who just needs a push.. the truth is , is that the reason my life is seemingly chill and has great potential to progress, and the reason that I seem to stubborn and lazy to do so are one in the same. I'm a ******* mess. I'm so much of a damn mess.
What you describe is common about underdiagnosed females. We are overlooked because we are quiet, seen as underperforming etc.

Quote:
You know I'm 28 years old, and had gotten fired from my 8 year job because of an explosive temper. I had gotten fed up with everyone thinking I was stupid for being absent minded. This problem has followed me around. Even though my boss at my current company promoted me, I believe the promotion wasn't waranted becuase it was due to my dedication toward work and not toward my skill level.
Since when is dedication to work NOT a skill?

Quote:
I started showing up to work high or drunk, and found that I was able to pack out 200 cases in 4 hours.. such risks I took, because I felt unappreciated and like I would never be able to change.
Besides adhd the number 1 reason for substance abuse is resentment.



You were promoted for a reason. What do you think it was?

Quote:
I'm only 28 and this ruins every aspect of my life. I'm depressed and drown myself in like 8 bottles of alcohol as soon as I get out of work which is 8 AM. Somehow I am able to work and function the same as I would whether or not I had drank for an entire week. I been so bad this week that I park my car and dont wanna get in the house. I drink and then lose my judgement and go walk out for more.
Not to sound harsh but this is justification. Take it from one alcoholic to another, with the pattern you display it wouldnt matter how good or bad things were you would still drink. How mangeable is that? What do you consider mangeable?

Quote:
I feel like I've never felt before.. like I'm in a grave suffocating, with no where else to go. Its like the only option i have to stop the suffocation is death. I sit there parked in the car staring, feeling like I'm trapped in dirt, like this is the end. I only have one option. I come in the house and lay down and I feel the same way. It starts feeling like literal suffocation and I think about hanging myself or drinking anti freeze.
If you ever truly feel suicidal please contact someone. Otherwise when the pain gets great enough you will change. I speak from experience. I am one who learns from pain and consequences and I really have to suffer before I learn enough to change.

Quote:
The only thing stopping me is that I wouldnt be there to comfort my family through grief. That's sad enough to have stopped me. Weirdest thing ever is that although I felt like that the entirety of last week I mysteriously snapped out of it and am feeling giddy. Have long thought Ive had bi polar, think or rather know that I have add, and the fact that I'm a failure is triggering this type of depression into over drive. Im stuck.
You need to see a psyche ASAP. No excuses or waiting.
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Old 03-09-18, 04:40 AM
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Re: I'm a manager? What a joke.. someone help

I thank you both for responding. Sometimes I just need to speak to and hear from people who understand, and who are going through similar issues. Of course I dont want to trouble family with my problems and dont want to alienate or make uncomfortable ceratin friends. The one or two that I have that I feel as though I can aproach with this are hard to find time with.

I've never thought of AA but now that youve mentioned it Sarah, its another consideration. I'd like to get help but I have questions.. what is the first step, how do I speak with a doctor about this, and can I just get a referral after speaking with a doctor at a clinic? I dont have medical insurance and am afraid that I will lose my job eventually or quit because it's too much, and I will lose my insurance. I dont want to get stuck with expenses that I cant afford.

Basically my issue at this moment is my job.. without some type of help I think its too much for me to handle. I cant manage myself at this point, how can I manage others. I just worry that in the meantime I'll actually lose the job and source of income before I can get help.. how much does "help" cost in general..
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