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Old 07-26-18, 02:26 AM
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I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

Please read http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=191004 for all the back round info. Its long but it tells you everything that has been going on for the last 6 months.

I do not know my daughter anymore. She was living away from home and in rehab and I do not know the person she is. She never really was her own person TBH. She always molded herself to whatever group of friends that she was with. She adapted. Even her boyfriends...one was a fire-fighter so she wanted to go to fire-fighter school. He liked heavy metal so she did. Her next boyfriend liked other things and she took them up as hers. Same with her friends. So, since she had bad friends she adopted some of their interests and then made her own poor choices. She has been getting sober and learning about herself and she may be getting closer to figuring herself out but her dad, siblings and I just do not know how to act or how to relate to her.

I thought it would be old hat when she saw her but its not. Its so uncomfortable and I hate saying that. This is my daughter I am talking about and I feel this way?
We had finally reached a place of acceptance and now we feel our whole world has been turned inside out again. I feel these pangs of pain because I KNOW what its like to feel that all consuming regret over f**king things up and having no one to blame but yourself. She is going to graduate but by the skin of her teeth. She missed walking, she missed her prom, she missed all the Senior activities and has no real friends. I do not know how to feel better. I know time will make it easier and I love her so much but this period of uncertainty is hard.

Has anyone had to go through this with a loved one or themselves? Anyone have any thoughts or advice? Please read the other thread if you have no idea what I am talking about.

xxxooo
-sweets
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Old 07-26-18, 04:04 AM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

Give it time. She needs to develop her sense of self.

My family story is different but we encouraged both our kids to leave asap as all of us living under the same roof was a nightmare.

With my son he always had a strong sense of self so he didn't really change.

My daughter however was a different story. We had a lot of chats and a lot of arguments too but we needed to get to know each other as adults.

It took a few years TBH. Now she is married and mostly stable so it's a lot better. Sometimes though I can go up to a couple of months without really talking to her and then it feels like strangers for a bit but it does come back.

What had changed is we both had to learn boundaries. And when that happens everything changes.

It won't be the same but in time it will be better and in some ways the events mean you need to start fresh so it's a good chance to get to know each other as adults and change the dynamic of the relationship
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Old 07-26-18, 09:48 AM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I thought it would be old hat when she saw her but its not. Its so uncomfortable and I hate saying that. This is my daughter I am talking about and I feel this way?
Just my opinion - I think it's understandable/normal to have that reaction. People's identities in life go through changes. Just as teens/young adults can change, so can the parents.
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Old 07-26-18, 04:27 PM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

My sons fathers family had a similar problem. Drugs, sex,running away, stealing, lying, making false police reports that she was abused (why?!?!). Her parents broke their family apart for a long time trying to support her at the expense of the other children's mental well being and even safety. They demanded everyone forgive her trespasses every time she showed up for a few days. Just to steal what she could and leave again. She was a piece of ****. She still is a piece of ****. And a lot of people have suffered because of it. Screw her.

When my mother died I made the choice to split with my entire family. It was mutual but not peaceful. Haven't talked to them in 15 years now. No loss on my part. They were really ****ty and my dad was straight up abusive. No idea where they are now, don't care. I don't believe in blood relations. Relatives are people society says you have to deal with because somewhere along the line someone had sex.

We like to think of our children as being raised by us and being molded into something by our actions. But you can be the best parent ever and have a drug addicted kid in jail. I know someone with two children in jail. She certainly didn't "raise them that way".

I learned this the opposite way. One day I looked around and I didn't see my perfect parents I saw flawed people. Very flawed people, actually.

Kids, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, they are all just people. And some people are shi--y and those people have families too. Some times you have to love someone while not liking them. And sometimes you you can't really do either.

Kids become people and she is now a person. It's up to her to decide who she wants to be. Maybe she rocks it. Maybe she doesn't. But don't feel bad for feeling bad that someone treated you like **** or that meetings are now awkward. Even if you don't like her right very much right now don't feel guilty about that. Be supportive but firm in your position and the rest is up to her.

Uncertainty comes with the territory when dealing with people. You can't decide their actions and make choices for them. You don't have a choice but to watch and wait. The best thing to do is really accept that fact. It's out of your hands.
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Old 07-26-18, 07:40 PM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

Wow. I'm so sorry. I know what you mean. My relationship with my DD went wrong over a much longer period of time, but that awkwardness and feeling like she is almost a stranger...yeah. Very familiar. Your DD is still in there somewhere, but..it hurts so much when they become someone almost unrecognizable. I've accepted the change in my own DD (who is middle-aged) and won't hope for the "girl I raised" to ever really show up. I won't go into the whole story but DD molded herself to be the person she seems to want to be, a responsible type A adult who seems a bit emotionally cold and a bit radically religious. I still try to relate to her a bit on the occasions we get together. But your DD is still young. Who knows? Try to accept that she will probably go her own way. Things will hopefully get better. She probably isn't an adult yet. My two grandchildren are taking their time and slowly easing into adulthood. They both have had their own problems. One is ADHD and had many treatments for substance abuse over time. She is in college now and seems okay...I really hope she is really okay. I've never felt that she has changed much so that I hardly hardly knew her, but maybe others have. I wasn't really around her that much during the worst years, you know. This world has become so much harder for young people. Don't know how teenagers get through everything that goes on now. I thought I'd had problems, you know...but growing up ADD in the late forties through the sixties wasn't so bad, I guess. Now it's worse, from what I understand, even if there are at least ADD treatments available now. Hoping for the best for your family!
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Old 07-28-18, 10:35 AM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

So we saw her on Sunday and Tuesday. She came to one of my meetings Tuesday. Its still so weird. Her brother gave her his old iphone so she can use wifi and when she can afford her own plan she has a phone already. For a hot minute I felt a pang of guilt at her not having a phone but I just cant pay her way for everything, not with all that's happened. Its just part of natural consequences. She got a job at Panera that she starts Tuesday. We brought her some groceries and I did run to walmart yesterday and buy her a polo and jeans for her uniform. Her rent is 50$ a week and they said they would let her add to a balance until she gets paid. She had a student bank account from her other job and completely f'd it up. Her account has been deactivated or frozen or whatever probably due to overdrafts and being in Florida. We did find out that her card was used by that b**ch she was staying with and we know it wasnt her because she was in the hospital when it was used. She has been back on social media but I warned her that her Dad and I support people moving forward, not moving backwards. I told her to keep her business off of social media. I wish she wouldnt be on at all but that seems to be the way it is now in days. She knows she has to change people places and things so lets hope she is. I love her so but I am so afraid of it all going down the tubes. I seriously do not know if I would make it if this crap happened all over again. She seems humble, grateful and remorseful but then again she was a good manipulator so hopefully thats not the case again. We found out she definitely graduated. The guidance counselor said she could wear her robe and take a couple of pictures getting it and she cried she was so happy. We are relieved. I know people are able to get their GED's but its still not the same as a diploma. I hope I loosen up. When she was in rehab I was able to relax because I know she was safe and in a structured environment . Even though there are heavy rules with sober living, she is not locked in the house and has a lot more free time. Fingers crossed.
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Old 07-28-18, 10:59 AM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

Sarah, I can totally relate. Our daughter has been in detox, rehabs, involuntarily hospitalized, homeless and in jail during the past two years.

She is living in a sober house now and has a year of sobriety under her belt, thankfully.

Fingers crossed for both our daughters. I feel your pain.
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Old 07-29-18, 10:07 AM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

I think its a good adapt stragige to take on people likes I do that to a point I understand that it has a cost like all things do positive or negative I hope things get better for you both in future x dorm
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Old 07-31-18, 04:47 AM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

Yesterday was a productive day. I took her to walmart to buy clothes for her new job and we got her replacement glasses. I gave the eye doctor a heads up because it hadnt been a year since her exam and they had originally said that we didnt have coverage for a second pair yet. However when we got there we magically did have coverage and I only had to pay for the anti-glare coating. This means she got a pair of frames, lenses and antiglare for 69$ which I thought was amazing. TBH I have a really good eye doctor and I think they pulled some strings for us.

We also straightened out her student bank account. She had been in the negative and started getting emails that their were charges with her debit card. They had already closed her account and as it turned out she had gotten a phishing email and didnt know any better. Thank god her account was closed or her log in attempts could have left her account wiped out. She was so scared but we went in there and I was honest. I told them she had been in treatment and wanted to start a new life or turn over a new leaf. I emphasized the important of being honest and they allowed her to reopen a different account. We opted out of overdraft protection so she couldnt overdraw her account and I am on it and have a debit card to the account so if anything happens I can help control her money. She wanted this and I thought it was a good thing. The relief on her face was touching because she was able to see that honesty can actually work out. I had to give her 25$ to open the account and am keeping track of all financial help we are giving her so she can work to pay us back at some point. Her rent is 50$ a week and she will owe at least 100$ by the time she gets paid.

We are going to have a sit down about how to manage her money but yesterday gave me hope that she really wants to do the right thing.
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Old 09-06-18, 12:42 AM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

Hi,

Wow, I'm seeing a little of that already and my daughter is only 9. I'm just trying to be accepting of who she is now and her journey.

D.
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Old 09-06-18, 12:17 PM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

At least she graduated and seems to be getting better. Hopefully she’ll do well at her job and keep it - so she’s able to pay her rent and pay you guys back as well. Nice about the glasses and student account!
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Old 09-06-18, 02:37 PM
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Re: I don't know who my daughter is anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlesH View Post
Just my opinion - I think it's understandable/normal to have that reaction. People's identities in life go through changes. Just as teens/young adults can change, so can the parents.
This ^

You and her dad have also changed in some ways. You are not in the same
kind of parental role with Becca now. So all of you are having to make some
adjustments. Take it one day at a time.
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