Broaching adhd with our son

[jandgaz]

Hi everyone. This is our first post
Our 18 year old son has always come across as quite childish. As an 18 year old young man he seems very resistant to maturing into adulthood, he does not want to concentrate on working towards his goal of joining the RAF.

Tonight my husband and myself were chatting about him and after seeing an item on television about adult ADHD. Having gone online we came across a site and he fits the bill almost 100%. It has been quite an eye opener. I am divorced from his father for 12 years and I have always put the way he behaves down to the divorce, however, the more I read about ADHD the more I am thinking he may suffer from this condition.

My question is, what is the best way to bring this up with him. My son can shut me down instantly and refuse to talk about anything outside of his comfort zone. I obviously really do want to talk to him about the possibility of him having ADHD but without upsetting him. The fact that he is now an adult is making me feel even more anxious about our chat. Can anyone who has had to talk to their young adult child about this please help and advise?
Thank you

[sarahsweets]

Its tough because of his age. You could consider having him read or watch something and ask him if he felt that way. Most of all let him know its not his fault and that you are not blaming him. Also find a good psychiatrist to rule out anything else.

[acdc01]

Sarahsweets advice seems spot on to me.

[Lunacie]

If your son does have adhd, he isn't being "resistive" to maturing.
It's a developmental delay in our brain wiring that leaves us about
1/3 less mature than our peers in some areas.

Dr. Charles Barkley has some good information on that aspect.

I agree with sarahsweets advice and am trying to think of something
helpful for both of you to watch/read, but it's bedtime, so I'll sleep on it.

[jandgaz]

Thank you so much for our replies guys, we very much appreciate the help. Lunacie, ee are about to look up Dr Charles Barkley but if you could point us to something that would be great.
Thank you again

[namazu]

Just a quick note to save you some confusion: Charles Barkley was a basketball player. The psychologist who's an ADHD expert is Russell Barkley.

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by namazu

Just a quick note to save you some confusion: Charles Barkley was a basketball player. The psychologist who's an ADHD expert is Russell Barkley.

You're right of course. Migraine brain struck again.

One of our own members put Dr. Barkley's information in easy to understand
form in our parenting section. Although it's geared towards younger children,
it could give you a base to start building knowledge and understanding this
disorder.

[20thcenturyfox]

It's a curious thing that we hesitate to raise "health" issues with our adult dependent children...but surely once they are over 18 we have the right to raise questions about their dependence and their plans for achieving independence. Most parents need to be making their own plans for their retirement, and so this seems like a natural and possibly even urgent conversation to be having.

Some families have clear expectations all along for their children to grow up, get an education or a job, and leave the family home. Some leave these expectations unstated, often with more or less comfort on both sides.

Asking your 18 year old about his plans, and especially about what he thinks he needs to move toward independence, seems like an entirely legitimate set of questions to be raising. He might not "like" it, but it would be hard to brush off the topic as being inappropriate because he is an adult.

The possibility that he might not be neurotypical, and might need to seek out information or a diagnosis in order to make better plans for himself, seems like a very natural topic to consider as part of the larger conversation on independence.

[VetoMemo]

This is heavy, I feel you jandgaz...