New Here - psychiatrist meeting on Thur - Questions/worried

[rustifer123]

Hello all,

These forums have been very helpful in confirming, at least in my own mind, ADHD. I'm 32 and have noticed something wrong with my mind "as far back as I can remember". What worries me is that the only thing in my 1st/2'nd grade report cards was "Continually improving", "sending books home to help him read better", and a paper with an intelligence scoring test result..I was in the 99'th percentile except for reading comprehension section. I was on the bottom end of average there. Grades were always A/B..maybe a few C's in highschool/middle school. College killed me...2.0 GPA.....changed majors, discovered booze, didn't go to class, and somehow pulled out 3.0 average. I used ritalin infrequently to study and it worked like a champ...the fog was gone so to speak.

Thanks to the wonderful media blitz on ADHD medication, I'm a bit worried about my lack of age 5/6/7 "red flags" when it comes to adult diagnosis. I can vividly remember the mental starbursts at age 9 and sought help in the church at age 10. They told me it was Satan trying to confuse me That is my first real impairment I experienced. The one thing I wanted to know was God but my mind just wouldn't cooperate. Prayer/church/everyday life was just crazy. Like a prison. I remember shooting a hole in my finger with a gun at age 9 because my mind just didn't seem to comprehend the outcome of pulling the trigger while my finger was on the end of the barrel. I frequently shot out windows and cabinents from inside the house. I just couldn't control the impulse. I outgrew *that* manisfestation but it is disturbing as I did put my head over the barrel a few times as a youngster. Crazy stuff....

At any rate, I'm all over the place with this post. I'm just concerned about early age scholastic/home impairment (<7 years). I was a well liked kid til middle school. I know what affect ritalin has on me (very positive...like tuning into a channel on TV or putting a leash on a hyper dog) and I know what people who know me keep telling me "There isn't something right about your mind".

Will this my chances at a clinical diagnosis? My parents only have "good rose colored" glasses memory of childhood which was a miserable mental hell for me.

Thanks

RC

On a side note, I abused alcohol for a number of years and have been sober 3 years.

[Emma S]

Is there no one else who knew you at that age who can remember what you were like?

What do you mean by rose coloured glasses?
If possible,anyone who knew you often enough to make an opinion of you back then and can remember your behavior would be the best to speak to-eg,a family friend,
uncle,aunt,sibling,step family,neighbour....
I doubt not having history from 7 years and younger would stop an ADHD diagnosis,because there are adults in their 50s+ getting diagnosed who won't have as much access to their earliest history as younger persons have,but having the history might make a diagnosis easier for both you and the pysch.

[Nucking_Futs]

If your not yet diagnosed I do have some advice. Stop looking at the past and start looking at the present and your future.

When I went to my appt. my doctor asked me questions that were directed toward more current events. How I focused in meetings, how I cleaned my house, etc ,etc,etc.

The past is over, nothing can change it but you sure as hell have control over your future if you want it. Get a diagnoses, get treatment and start working on yourself and learning to love yourself.

If you've already been dx'd then I totally missed the main jest of this post and am sorry. I'll re-read it at a time when I am functioning higher please just let me know.

But, honestly the best advice I have ever gotten was to let yesterday go and focus on today and tommorrow.

Best of luck,
Cherity

ps You will find that the forums has a Spirituality section I too felt very confused by religion until I found someone who took the time to discuss my views and confusion. We would be more then happy to discuss and support you.

[rustifer123]

No one I can think of. Outside of my parents, would be my grandparents but the alcoholism got most of the attention. When I say parents and rose colored glasses, I mean they just don't see reality and often they are not privvy to it. The frequent visits to the preacher to get help were chalked up to "he's hungry for God", the bullet holes was "he's just prone to accidents", trouble in school was hidden because I had good grades and always apologized when I got into serious trouble. Plus my parents picked me up 1 hour after school ended so detention wasn't a big deal.

I never told them about the difficulties I had because I always "pulled it together" somehow. I never could study/pay attetion but I figured out what was going by osmosis I guess. It's a mystery to me to be honest.

Hell, while I was sitting in rehab for 100 days, they thought I was over in England!

The thing is, I was never an at home troublemaker....most of my problems have just been inattentiveness/focus/impulsive symptoms caused largely by the squirrels in my head. It just never caused any problems til later.

Thanks

RC

[Nucking_Futs]

As a parent its easy to make acceptable excuses for my children's behaviours. I did it for a long time until my then 10 year old son tried to hang himself. Some parents aren't slapped in the face with reality as I was and were/are not forced to face reality.

I have a feeling you were very good at hiding your "squirrels". And ADD just wasn't OUT THERE like it is today or perhaps your parents would have been able to spot it.

I'd definatly speak to your therapist about what you have brought up though. And keep in mind ADD does not mean a road to failure, my son is 12 in the 6th grade and does 9th and 10th grade work, I got A's and B's without ever cracking a book. Just because you were a smart kid does not mean you weren't ADD you just had a different level of functioning.

Make sure your therapist is well aquainted with ADD because my first doctor implied that I couldn't possibly have had ADHD due to my grades but then he was not very well aquainted with ADD. Now my current doc said that ADHD people are very intelligent especially in discussion classes that explained why my A's were in classes that involved the whole class such as Science, History, etc and my B's were in classes that took very little classroom discussion such as Math, reading, etc.

Also remember your parents may remember things in a more positive light because the truth about what happened in the past is far too scarry to acknowledge.

All my best,
Cherity

[rustifer123]

Thanks for the reply. Of course, I've condensed my life story significantly in the preceding posts. To my parents credit, I did bring it up when I was 19/20 because I was going nuts in college. They set it up with a doctor but I bailed and moved away.

By the worlds standards, I'm successful. But I know it's just smoke and mirrors. I've constantly depended on co-workers and lots of smoke and mirrors to get things done. My bluff got called this year when I was forced to work in a new environment with new people in a closed off room. It was embarrassing.

Were it not for a cousin who gave me ritalin to try for 2 weeks during difficulty at work, I might have just kept on wondering about it. Those 2 weeks were just phenonemal. It was like I had a new toy..my brain! It was quite amazing. I did the kind of work I always KNEW I could do.

Thanks again.

RC

[mctavish23]

In diagnosing adults, the more corroborating info from parents, relatives, significant others etc., the better. That can range from having them fill out checklists like the Conners Adult ADHD Rating Scale (CAARS), which would then be compared to the adult's own scores, to old transcripts or report cards.

When diagnosing ADHD, keep in mind that it's a childhood disorder and that the symptoms listed in the DSM-IV were normed on a sample population in which the oldest subject was 16.

Therefore, the symptoms need to be "age referenced" in a way that is more developmentally appropriate to the adult's age.

The main thing is to try and read as much as you can and simply be yourself.

Good luck.

mctavish23 (Robert)

[rustifer123]

Feel much better. I know 1 or 2 people who can collobarate my adult symptoms. Net net, childhood is childhood and my memories are about the best I can do...I was there, I lived it and felt it.


Thanks

RC