Dark_Princess18 - Perth, Western Australia

[Dark_Princess18]

HI!! im cassie and yeh i have ADD oviously! ok i'll start with my life. I was dignosed with it when i was 10. So for four years i was doin pretty good at school, cept i thought i was coz the schools in Australia refuse to ring the parents coz it makes the school look bad if there is a report of a phone call. They would rather let the kid suffer than look bad. So i was cruzing along and being humiliated by teachers infront of my peers and being humiliated by peers infront of others as they all thought i was dumb. I thought it was just me i was just different. Even when i started kindygarden i felt uneasy around other people and didnt have much confidence. I just always felt there was something wrong with me and still do.

So the years went on until grade 5 and we had a canadian exchange teacher he was the only teacher at that school who rang my parents to let them know i was failing and that he was worried about me. They even had a meeting and the deputy princicle even suggested to my parents that i had a low IQ and that i would fail in life. Well my mum always thought i was smart and knew that couldnt be it. So i went and had all these tests done and they all came back normal. I even got a high IQ score and was above average for reading and writing. But turned out i did have ADD but im still not 100 percent sure on how it works as to why we cant concntrate and fail alot because you will never find a stupid person with ADD.

Seems pretty pointless to me to be highly intellegant and not being able to use it. Ive only ever been good at being creative like music and art. Also good at algabra..so yeh i have no idea were that comes in..but more to the point my brain is just..****ed and would LOVE to know what my purpose is in life. So they put me on DEXAMPHETAMINES mmm i want to marry them!! hahaha. i stopped taking them after a while though and then ended up leaving high school in year 11 coz i could not deal with the school work it was just too much. so really ive pretty much felt down about myself ever since i was born. my childhood was also cut short at the age of 10 turning 11 when i hit puberty and felt like an outcast i was so embarrassed even my older sister made fun of me.

so after that all was well for year and years, i always felt bad about myself but never really showed any emotion. I never cried or had any mood swings. but the feelings were always in the back of my head which i was used to i just became kinda numb to it. I was used to failing and being humiliated. i just thought to myself thats me im a **** up and when i didnt **** up i was amazed and releived and wouldnt stop thinking about it all day and i would have a big smile of my face for not making a mistake,not to mention i was bullied at school for years even by a few of my crushed which really hurt not that i had any self esteam to begin with.

Then at the age of 15 my granfather died who i was really close to passed away and then after that i lost it. all my emotions that were building up for years came crashing. I started having panic attacks and were rushed to hospital twice. i had anxiety for weeks and developed bulimia because of how i failed so much i wanted atleaste something to feel good about myself about. I was bullied in primary school about my weight and only really affected in my teens. so my parents took me to the doctors and put me on anti depressants and took me to councilers but all the anti depressants did was stop me from taking interested in every and i became lazy.

I stop playing guitar and just lazed around and gained weight. Then i became depressed over that and took myself off them and had a crash but all they did was keep trying all these different once but they didnt help me do better at school all they did was made me lazy and feel even worse about my underacheivement. I started cutting my legs and was close to suicide. Although i remained on the pills like they said i should and got counciling which did help but i was still depressed. I dropped out of school when i was 16 and just lazed around for a year. i didnt see my friends as much and became lonely. I didnt wanto be lazy anymore so decided to take myself off the pills. I then got a job working in fast food which made me feel really degraded. Ive been working there for a year now and even got picked on for taking long to learn everything. I couldnt even do a simple job at mcdonalds.

Until only recently i went to the phychiatrist to get some dexies to help me with my cert 1 and 2 music course im doing now. I find they are really good but they seem to give me panick attacks again coz of the stimulant and make me worry about everything. But they keep my moods under control and im reasonably happy most of the time. im playing guitar again and practice all the time. But i find that i strive too much to get a compliment. I dont even remember the last time someone gave me a pat on the back.

I have been doing reallly well at work but dont get any gratitude i think that hurts the most even when i do good it gets looked over. So i know i can never please anyone and i will fail life. I know this coz i cant see how i can i have read many sites on the internet and they all said that ADD people often dont end up having a good job. so now i am aware that i will always be a loser and never to dream again because they only ever get crushed. even my mum told me that people think not to expect much from me. I have thrown away the dream of becoming a musician. I guess i will just have to stay at mcdonalds for ever. I have done the best i can if anyone else wants to talk to me about the same sorta stuff. feel free to messege me!

[satrow]

Hiya Cassie, Welcome to the ADD Forums!

You'll find plenty of help and encouragement here . (could you try to break things down into smaller paragraphs for us? Makes it a lot easier to read ).

I think you're doing ok - you know where you're having problems and trying to find ways of dealing with them. Maybe another trip to your phsyc is a good idea, maybe your meds aren't quite right for you - you may need something else to take the edge off the anxiety/depression, too.

I don't think working in fast food is degrading, if the working hours suit your style and you can manage on the salary - stick at it until you get your meds sorted and you can see where you want to go next. You guys in the service industry keep most of us going!

When you get orders, write them down and double-check - it seems to be natural for us to forget most of the stuff that we should be hearing!

Pick up your guitar and play it - it'll be good to get you focussed and you'll feel better after a short session. Even if you only find a 15 minute slot each day - do it! How about some regular exercise? Most people here suggest that it's a great help to them.

Now would you like to breakdown your original post into easier sections to deal with? What do you feel you need help with most urgently?

You're not gonna become a 'loser' - you don't seem the type , you're working too hard for that.

You deserve a big hug and a pat on the back for coming here and getting all that out in your first posting ! (It would take me all day to get that much typing done ).

You'll get plenty more (and better, more targetted) advice from the other guys'n'gals here.

Andy <hugs>.

[Andrew]

Welcome to the ADD Forums, Cassie. I appreciate your taking the time to write such a detailed introduction I look forward to reading more of your posts.

[livinginchaos]

Welcome, Cassie!!

[clawless]

Hello and welcome to the forum