New to life with an ADDer: HELP

[Lopiney]

Oh, I don't know what I want to express exactly, but I know I need to.

I have been in a 3-month intensely loving relationship with the most amazing man. We are meant for each other. He says he has ADD. He says it's the gift that is hard to unwrap. He has traveled far in his life in terms of self-improvement and becoming the most creative, loving, passionate person I have ever laid eyes on. He's incredible... and everyone he comes into contact with just loves him. His magnetism is unrivaled. And he is so sincere and has the biggest heart ever. I believe wholeheartedly that we are really GREAT for each other.

That said.. he is starting to drive me a little bonkers on some things. Wouldn't fate have it that a procrastinating ADDer would hook up with a person who is a total planner and mover and shaker when it's time to tackle some task? Poor guy. Poor me!

I just don't understand ADD. Mainly because the issues are different for each ADDer. I have read through posts... and if it isn't an emotional detachment issue, it's a logistical "how are we gonna run the house" issue. And other things. And the degree of the condition seems to be so totally different. With my guy, he has no need for meds.

Without going into detail yet on my issue today, I will say that I predict that if this issue is not addressed productively, I see myself becoming the biggest damn NAG on the face of the earth. Either that, or becoming a silent enabler who eventually has to check into an asylum 10 years down the road. And I know I want to be a loving partner to my sweetie... and support him... and create a special life together. We both have what it takes to do that.

But, I ask... if his procrastination and inability to prioritize TIME and TASKS results in us having to deal with tremendous stress and financial costs, how far do I let him get away with 'just doing the best he can'?

And that's what it is starting to feel like: either I am a nag causing him grief or I am a big mommy who 'will take care of everything.' Ummm... my goal as a 40-something woman is to be a WOMAN, a partner, an equal partner.

So... successful him gets a HUGE job promotion but time is limited on us moving across the USA. Pack up our lives... and start over in a strange new place. He goes to our new city to 'find us a place to live' since we will drive there in 10 days from today. He starts work the day after we arrive. He has not packed or sorted his stuff for the garage sale we HAVE to have. I explained that it was ludicrous to spend 4 or 5 days going there.. intead of getting packed and putting our lives in a box and saying goodbyes to friends, etc. etc. He emphatically explained to me that he absolutely didn't want to stay in a hotel when we move there; that we MUST have a place to land.

Well it's Sunday, 4pm where he is... and he hasn't lifted a finger to find us a place to live. He had all day Friday, Saturday, and today to do it. I have spent HOURS the past few weeks on the internet setting up contacts for places to see and people to talk to. He hasn't acted on one lead. Oh, he is very tired from the flight and all and has a bit of a cold. He has had time to go to 12 step meetings and dinner out with the 12 step people, and lunching with a co-worker. Everything EXCEPT take care of shelter for us.

He flies out tomorrow at 6a.....and arrives home noonish, to begin an intense training session Mon to Friday 12p-to 8pm. The garage sale is Next Saturday. We should be pulling out of dodge next Sunday or Monday at the latest.

And he so emphatically explained that he was not going to let the company push him around.. that he fully intends to do all his goodbyes. He has a million friends.

NO CONCEPT OF TIME!! NONE!!!!!!!

So, when he called me at 1pm his time today, and he was just sitting down for another sociable lunch.... he said he would call me after lunch. I told him to please only call me AFTER YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED YOUR MISSION: Shelter. He was indignant and rude and told me to 'let it go' and not be so controlling. AARRRGG

It is now Sunday 4pm....he had Fri, Sat and all day to today to find us a place to live. Fine that he didn't, but we could have totally gotten packed and organized this weekend. Nope, he had to fly across the country and have lunches and 12 step meetings and really have a grand ole time.

And there is one big heart issue for me. I have a dog. He's old and not ready to be put down. I put down my other 14 year old dog last week. It was time. But I probably wouldn't have done it last week if it were not for this big move. I do feel greatly relieved that my dog is out of pain. So I don't put that on my ADDer. BUT... I have another dog, and the plan was that he couldn't come to our new city with us. I was prepared to give him away... but before my ADDer went on this home-hunting mission... I told him that he really needed to be open to the universe making it possible for us to keep my dog with us. He was down with that.

So... let's say my ADDer somehow finds us even a month's temporary place in the ONE BUSINESS HOUR LEFT TODAY... and it doesn't accept dogs?

This is where I draw the line. He didn't try to make an allowance for something that is so important to me: my precious angel who has been my companion for 12 years. And f it is the ADD that made him procrastinate and not accomplish the ONE TASK.. where he could undeniably say to me: Look, Lopiney, I tried.... we can't have the dog... then it seems incumbent upon me to NOT allow him to affect my life in such a painful way. Sure, he can dick around all he wants.. but I feel justified to tell him: Figure it out... we're taking the dog.

I also told him to tell our company to pay MY way to our new city so that we, as a couple who have BOTH OF OUR LIVES upturned with little planning time, can make decisions together. "Oh no, they won't do that. And trust me, I will take care of everything in terms of housing."

Well, it's a new relationship... and I am learning very quickly that if something has to be done, it will be me doing it. And I think that really sucks. I guess what I really want from him is an admission BEFORE a major task is embarked upon that "Gee honey.... the odds of me actually COMPLETING IT are nil to none. If this is important to you... please take over." I don't mind taking over. But the promises and sincere assurances???? And then the indignation when I ask WTF? Driving me bonkers.

Any input would be appreciated.

PS, I will NEVER tell him about this board. This is my haven. Ya'll are TERRIFIC.

[Lopiney]

Update:

Well, just talked to my ADDer. It was 4:45pm, and he had time to show our co-worker (who is just there to set the stage for his new job)... the public transit system. Great. Hasn't lifted a finger. Luckily I had posted this cry for help here, because I began to feel the necessity of keeping my life under control and letting HIM deal with it.

He said he was trying to find an apartment locator agent. I calmly told him that I provided that to him via email on Friday... reminded him on Saturday... and reminded him of that early this morning. "Oh. well, I wanted to try a few of them to find the right one." Okay, fine...but on fri and sat were the days to arrange appointments. "But it was raining.. I couldn't do anything on sat." My response, calmly, "Well...what a good time to sit in the hotel and make phone calls to arrange for Sunday appts, eh?"

He became very indignant and said that he didn't want me to just **** him off and make him feel bad about himself. I calmly asked him relinquish the guilt trip immediately.

He explained that we could both work to set up appts during the coming week for places to see when we get there. He said he found a temp furnished place. "Does it take dogs?" "I don't know.. the office was closed on Sunday." D'oh. I explained that I had expended my last ounce of energy on working as a team to find us a place to live, that he had wasted hours of my time, energy, and goodwill. He was indignant about that. Such a quitter I am.

I also told him that I was calm.. that I accept the fact that he just ****ed off 72 hours plus two all-day travel days to come up with nothing. That he just spent $1200 of our company's money for nothing. That he wasted a lot of my time as well the time of the several landlords who expected to hear from him this weekend. BUT, that.... I was not going to give my dog away based on his pure fact-less speculation that a dog in a big city will be undoable. He said, "Well, I don't know if we can have the dog here, Lopiney." I calmly said... "But we are going to have the dog there. You have delivered nothing but speculation in that department and I am not willing to base any heart-wrenching decision on your speculation. Sorry, when we leave (IF we leave), the dog and I are getting in the car. That's my final answer."

I could hear him steaming on the other end of the phone. But, jesus....I have some semblance of serenity back because I made hard decisions and refused to get drawn into his chaotic approach to what is otherwise adult responsibilities.

So, I ask.. is this the price we pay: Lose your serenity by keeping your ADDer feeling good about himself? OR Keep your serenity and be made to feel like you are the most unreasonably harpie in history?

He had to hang up. It is possible that this will end our relationship -- me putting my foot down about a dog. If that ends it, it needs to end.

The issue really is, it seems, of my ADDer either taking responsibility for avoiding normal adult responsibilities.

Ugh.

[Alaska]

Just read your post here Lopiney. We were communicating on the spouses board, saw your pop up for a private discussion, clicked ok, then nothing happened. Anyway, you are experiencing almost verbatim what I experienced, particularly the whole moving away from family and friends for his job thing. Such is where I find myself today. We do have so much in common. As you know I have a little one to tend to. I am on PST time, west coast, Canada. Plan to watch the emmy's, if I can and if wee boy goes down as planned. I would most welcome a conversation with you. If you can let me know your email address or some way of contacting you perhaps we can get an opportunity to chat off-board. Hang in there. I'll check back in shortly. Cheers....

[Lopiney]

Hi Alaska...

Okay.. I sent you a private message. Look at the upper right of this board under where it says Welome Alaska. Under that is a link to PRIVATE MESSAGES. My email is in there.

L

[crime_scene]

Lopiney,

For what it's worth, you are experiencing some of the most predictable and longterm issues that make it a challenge to get you and your partner on the same page.

I"m not sure that your spouse couldn't benefit from meds, but it is his choice and you will have to decide at some point whether you can live with that.

No surprise your partner is steaming on the other end of the phone, from his perspective, he is probably working very hard to get the essentials done, and all he hears is how he didn't do it your way.

(I'm not saying you don't have a point, I'm just saying it is very possible he has a dramatically different way of looking at the universe than you do)

He probably forgot about the dog thing too, not that he didn't think it was important, but he just likely forgot.

There are lots of tips and tactics to help get tasks assigned to both of you, but you are going to BOTH have to be interested in working on it, continually, and it is something that may improve over time but will NOT disappear.

In the meantime, for your deadlines, I would say that you should reorganize as much as possible so that his deadlines are easy to see and you can handle the fallout if they are not met, and you should keep the critical drop dead ones yourself.

When you get moved and sorted you can come back to the larger picture.

Just some food for thought, good luck!!

cs

[Lopiney]

Thank you for your feedback, Crime_Scene (love your handle!!!). And I have seen a lot of your posts on here today, and really appreciate the things you have to say.

Oh boy.. you are right... we just got off the phone and he is completely devastated that I apparently don't give him any credit for anything; that there is nothing he can do to make me happy; that, well, we might not be able to go forward together. And he is thinking about that.

I explained that for the first time I realized that ADD was an issue. And, my god, he came up with so many excuses about why he spent three days in a city and did not make one move to find us a place. I started to question myself.

But fact of the matter... his purpose for going there was to find us a place to live. That is the only thing that justified a 5 day trip one week before we have to be on the road for that destination.

I don't know. An ADDer who cannot admit that he dallied around for five days when he could have been on the home front arranging to put our lives to bed at home? And who prides himself on all the information he obtained from the new friends there even in light of the fact that I discovered ALL the same facts two weeks ago? I just don't know.

And I feel like a wicked witch.

I don't think our relationship has enough foundation to weather this one. (He's a bf, not a spouse, btw). I am not willing to ever say: Oh, it's okay that you accomplished nothing on this foray simply because of the undue stress that it puts on both us in getting packed and moved having had him gone for this trip. It's a level of irresponsibility that I find unacceptable. It would be one thing if he showed any recognition of the gravity of it, but he doesn't.

One thing he became certain about is that he taking this job no matter what happens with us. For weeks it was yes, no, yes, no, yes no from him, while I was trying to plan on staying or going. He doesn't empathize with the sheer stress on me with the wafting in the yes we're going, no we're not going for weeks.

Oh well... I feel defeated. He is absolutely worth the effort from the very best woman on earth. But he's taking this job, and I don't see how we can get to even feeling happy with each other before it's time to get in the car and drive across the country together. Our relationship is, egad, only 3 months old.

A cluster-f to the nth degree.

Unfortunately, I have made irreversible decisions which impact my security. I don't make much money. And I gave notice to the landlady, and have to be out of my duplex here in a few days. She rented the place. I am greatly compromised.

Anyways, maybe he will pull a major ADD magician's trick and make this all better. Doubtful.

Ugh.

[Alaska]

Lopiney, just read your update. Ouch. Big ouch. The three months thing however...that is about how long my hubby and I were together before he got a new job on the opposite side of the country and I sold my house and quit a very lucrative job so we could move out here together. During the close of that sale we discovered I was pregnant. I did not consider any of it sacrifice, and had never done anything like that before. I was in love. We were in love, still are.

We had many similar battles to what you describe. Especially during times of high stress like a big move. The stories I could tell...we can hardly believe we are still together now. The key difference, at least from what I can glean from your posts, is that my guy would admit to whatever craziness was driving me mad, eventually, and try to make things right. Without that reassurance I would never have stuck it out. Many times I had one foot out the door before he somehow made it right again, made me see it was worth sticking it out, giving it a chance. But it is so very hard at times. If the good times are so good then you have to forever hold on to them, keep them at the front of your mind when everything is going haywire. In our relationship I have been the voice of logic...and yeah, sometimes a nag and I so hate playing that role and he knows it. Eventually, you get into a groove where each knows the other's strengths and allows for them to lead when neccessary. It does not come easy and I think it is always a struggle. But in any relationship, non-ADD couples included, that's a running theme. Not sure if that helps, but I can tell you that we have saved emails sent to each other (his work takes him away sometimes) where I have clearly packed it in. What has helped us is our ability to communicate when the timing is right. Forthright honesty. I never beat around the bush and it sounds like neither do you. Keep that up. Let us know what happens...and good luck. Hang in there.
Cheers...

[Lopiney]

Oh, thanks Alaska! Well, my sweetie calmed down and gave me a ring a bit ago... and it was a very good conversation. I sent you a real email explaining it a bit more.

I will hold your advice closely:

"If the good times are so good then you have to forever hold on to them, keep them at the front of your mind when everything is going haywire."

AND

"What has helped us is our ability to communicate when the timing is right."

The good times are soooooooo WORTH it. And one thing we realized is that while all this decision-making has been going on, we have been essentially apart for three full weeks, with just four days in between his trips. And we are making the biggest decisions of our lives (the most exciting as well) and trying to put it all together, and we aren't even together to reassure each other. Talk about a toll. He returns tomorrow... and from then on out, we can work better as a team.

Yes, my sweetie mentioned just that: communicate when the time is right. Now that would be a shortcoming with which I came into this relationship. Okay, timing.

Yay, so we both feel pretty good as we head off to bed tonight, and that's a big thing. I will say that had I not had this great board to express my frustration that the entire day's frustrations would have erupted a lot worse than they had. It has been a long, long few weeks and both our lives are changing dramatically, and, well.. it is sure exciting but stressful nonetheless.

Thank you all for your input, and for putting up with me today. My sweetie told me he had ADD.. but this is the first "say what?" moment pretty much, and I have some reading to do!!! And maybe even a support group. Definitely a support group in my new city!!

[crime_scene]

Hi Lopiney,

It's not really irresponsible, it's more about distraction.

As judgement can be an issue, he will have seen these other things as equally important or if he was doing them, whatever held his interest at the moment would have felt more important at the time. You can't blame him for this, really it is an ADD thing.

Draven posted this blurb a while ago, but I think it addresses the question you had about why he would be giving you "excuses" on why he dallied.

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.


Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full.

Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer; oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water.

I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!


I really hope you take the time asap to bury yourself in learning about ADD/HD, it will really improve your ability to handle the challenges on an ongoing basis now and in the future.

You'll find lots of support here too, so feel free to ask questions and read, sounds like you've already started.

PS. It's only 3 months and you've had to make major decisions, most relationships would be a little stressed by this.

If you face the situation with doubt in your heart you will not deal with it as effectively as if you go with a positive attitude.

Can you reoganize some tasks as I suggested in my previous post? Just to get over the hump.



cs

[alagirl]

Such a wonderful post from Draven. I agree you have to immerse yourself in the ADD literature, this board, go to meetings if you can. It's such a strange and overwhelming disorder and affects just about every part of an ADDer's life. You're into time management, getting things done, being effecient, etc. and I think everyone here would tell you that you can't push them into a schedule. Encourage, etc., but you can't make them toe any line. They're on a different time schedule. They'll have the best intentions in the world -- then, read Draven's post. I also agree with the part that this doesn't change. I've only been "exposed" for three years, but I believe it. Moving across country after three months -- what stress and you have my sympathy. Maybe there are some other options for you for a while?

[Lopiney]

I really hope you take the time asap to bury yourself in learning about ADD/HD, it will really improve your ability to handle the challenges on an ongoing basis now and in the future.

You'll find lots of support here too, so feel free to ask questions and read, sounds like you've already started.

PS. It's only 3 months and you've had to make major decisions, most relationships would be a little stressed by this.

If you face the situation with doubt in your heart you will not deal with it as effectively as if you go with a positive attitude.

Can you reoganize some tasks as I suggested in my previous post? Just to get over the hump.

CS -- Oh I love the Draven post. Recognize that. And the bottom line...the person who was busy all day... their entire template was about being considerate and productive. Ya can't blame someone, anyone for trying!

I also ran across a post in another older thread where you posted the article on Detachment with Love. Saved it to my hard drive. Now that my ADDer is finally back home, I feel better about everything. I was off the mark. He did not commit a crime against humanity!

I fully intend to immerse myself with information about ADD. And I compare my guy to a non-ADDer and there is no comparison. My guy is hands down the most amazing person in the world.

And, yes, I made a conscious decision to reorganize tasks. I do the detail work: the phone calls, getting in to sign papers for whatever, getting pricing on things -- the things that require lots of steps and total concentration. He gets the broad tasks. Though I can't think about what those are at the moment. Maybe just showing up when it's time to leave? lol

Hi Alagirl! Thanks for your post. Meetings? I will look for some! I have been told about an exellent support group in my new city, and will hook up with them when I get there.

And, you know, if things were reversed, he would go the distance for me. And I would sure be grateful that he loved me enough to do so.

Shoot... the entire situation feels ameliorated right now -- since he is safely back in town, snoozing away in the other room. I am not perfect (understatement), and, well, if I were doing this move by myself, I would be totally stressed and overwhelmed. Sure is nice to have someone on this journey with me -- someone to hug and to laugh with about things. And that is truly the gift: I have a loving partner. And he is the one who has made this whole adventure possible in the first place. Where the heck was my gratitude? Sheesh.

Thanks y'all!!

[Lopiney]

Oh, and in the broader spectrum of life lessons, one thing that this whole experience offers me is a chance to become less black and white -- to grow and evolve emotionally, to unleash my own creative spirit. He offers me all of that. Shoot, if I were with a non-ADDer, he would be posting somewheres about his g/f not being as easy going as he first thought! What does that say about me? uh huh.

I also need to discover what it is that I offer him because I am not really sure. I just know that I make his heart jump for joy. And that feels damn good.

Really, the critical mass occurred mainly because we had been inseparable and then he was gone for 3 weeks and all these decisions have been made. Neither of us had the day to day support of the other. What couple wouldn't have trouble with that scenario? Enough of that noise!

[pwardnj]

I don't know if you are still checking replies to your original post, but I just read it and all I wanted to say was "Run For Your Life" and while you are running, read "Delivered From Distraction" by Dr. Hallowell. Great chapters to the partners of those with ADD. I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and have known him for almost almost 20.

It was the most intense, soul gratifying, best sex ever, courtship and first couple of years of marriage EVER, EVER. Take your breath away intensity. But as you will read in literature, sometimes a light switch goes off, and they do not initiate sex anymore. They are nice guys, but that part is over, so let's go buy a puppy, or a new house, or let's get a hobby and become an auxiliary police officer.

I have been reading, fighting, reading, fighting to recapture some semblance of a life. I am told to adapt and I have adapted almost to the point of non-existence. NO TIME MANAGEMENT, NO FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT, AND NO DISCUSSING IT EITHER. ADD folks tend to blame others globally for their issues. My husband is clever, people love him, look past his lateness and "scatterbrained" behavior. I have turned into his mother, simply because I am no longer his lover. He gives love a lot of lip service, but would rather stay up late, and watch TV. And just think he's on Adderall. He says it helps with his work. B---S---!

I don't know what else to say. I married for lust, and that part is gone, and now I am taking care of and feeling frustrated much of the time. Unless he is doing the talking about whatever is of interest to him, he's not there. He pretends to listen, but his responses indicate he has no idea what I just said a lot of the time. However, other times he is a fabulous communicator and really gets what I'm saying.

We have been in so many different couples counseling and nothing has changed. We are trying a contract now whereby I lay off "overseeing" what he does, and he comes to bed 4 out of 7 nights. I never thought it would come to this.

Go with your guts about what you are seeing and feeling. It does not get better unless they really put all of their energy into changing. The "soul mate" feeling goes away leaving you frustrated and outraged a lot!

[crime_scene]

Originally Posted by Lopiney

Oh, and in the broader spectrum of life lessons, one thing that this whole experience offers me is a chance to become less black and white -- to grow and evolve emotionally, to unleash my own creative spirit. He offers me all of that. Shoot, if I were with a non-ADDer, he would be posting somewheres about his g/f not being as easy going as he first thought! What does that say about me? uh huh.

I also need to discover what it is that I offer him because I am not really sure. I just know that I make his heart jump for joy. And that feels damn good.

Really, the critical mass occurred mainly because we had been inseparable and then he was gone for 3 weeks and all these decisions have been made. Neither of us had the day to day support of the other. What couple wouldn't have trouble with that scenario? Enough of that noise!

Lopiney, now you are SO getting it!

You go girl!!!!

Keep posting, we'd love to hear your progress

cs

[Sooz]

I've been married to an ADD'r for 25 years and I have to agree with Pwardng, because we appear to be living the same lives.
It' appears the only responsibility my guy can handle is his job. Thank goodness for that. But we have moved about every three years since we've been married and one year we moved 3 times in 6 months. Very hard on the kiddo's not to mention myself. I have had to quit every job I've had to follow him. THe kids are now gone and I'm starting over in a new job. I'm working my way up in it and if he chooses to relocate again he's on his own. I have had to assume all the finances and take carae of all business matters because he just can't seem to either initiate taking care of anything or follow thru on it. He says he's taken care of stuff and I find out after something happens that he hasn't. He doesn't want to discuss any issues dealing with him or his ADD. He's been telling me he's trying for 25 years now........ He got his diagnosis about two years ago and I thot great... he's not an idiot, he's got a brain thing going on. Well, he's chosen to do nothing to help himself and ADd is yet another subject we can't discuss. I know the things he does is because of his ADD but it does not make it easier for me. He still does the most unbeleavable things and I'm supposed to just get over it. Our lives have slowly seperated over the years and about the only thing left is to be in seperate bedrooms. And what makes it harder, he doesn't get it. We have not had a real conversation probably in years and he dosn't even notice. I think he likes it that way. I don't nag him any more. He's is on his own. Gone are the dreams of our life together. I worked really hard on the "we" and not "I" when we were first together. I am now back to "I" because the "we" is gone. And he appears to not even notice. Never thot I could be lonely with this man, but I am. Beleave it or not this is not a vent, this is my reality. And 25 years ago he was my soul mate and he has slowly sucked the joy of our marriage right out of me. And if you ask him, he will tell you he has a perfect marriage. The wife might be a tad depressed but she'll get over it.