Ms_Sunshine made me think

[mmcclure79]

Atleast it was were reply to my rant that got me thinking.

Mmcclure, every time I see you post, I am struck by how GREAT you are at imagery. Up til now, you may have gotten the idea that you aren't an effective communicator, but I think you are making crystal clear sense to me. I can't be the only one. Your writing is very poignant. Please keep at it--you have a real gift.

It made me think of the poetry I used to write in my youth. I went back to one in particuliar and it describes (at least to me) my ADD when I was yonger. I didn't know what it was at the time, just me venting a bit from my confusion and lack of knowing why. I'll post it here for your enjoyment:

"Blurs surround me
The world moves
Yet I stand still
Alone
Not afraid
Unmoved as time goes by
The blurs that pass
reach out for me
A jolt as a few grab
though they fall away
I look about and can't help
but wonder
Is it me or them?
Am I leaving the world behind
or is it leaving me?
A few come within my frame
They return to a blur
then I remember to ask
I fear to go too slow
I fear to go too fast
Always I ask which is which."

I wonder for those of you who were not diagnosed until later in life, did you ever express yourself in an artistic way that just screamed out the frustrations and anxiety of being unmedicated and with no help? I would love to see, if possible. I mean I've seen it said before on these thread that we are supposed to be the creative ones!

[ms_sunshine]

Congratulations...you made me blush. LOL

Actually, I wasn't diagnosed until I was 28. Your poem reminded me of one I wrote in a Creative Writing course I had as an undergraduate. We had to pick an object, and write a poem in five minutes.

I picked a telephone. Here's what I wrote inside the shape of a telephone:

People push my buttons
My ears ring with the things they say
My thoughts get crossed like wires
Jumbled up, racing, and in my way.

I think I was about 20 at the time.

[mmcclure79]

YAY *dancing* I made her blush! I made her blush! LOL

Your poem definitely cries out and I'm sure we all can relate.

The intial thought I had with this thread spurred others (as sometimes do) but one tangent caught my attention and that was you being an English teacher. I remember sitting in many English classes where we took poetry, read it, then we would take it apart and analyze it trying to figure out what the poet was saying. Sometimes Ijust wanted to scream out saying what if he meant nothing other than what the words literally mean?!

Starting to lose my point. I began wondering what if one day we had come in and the teacher had a poem for us that was written venting/expressing the angst of having ADHD and not knowing it. Of living day to day without meds or having it under control. I can only wonder if the analyzing and digging would bring out that the author had ADD and no one knew or just the feelings of frustration and anxiety of the unknown.

I still have an hour and a half before I leave for work, I can afford to drift mentally.

[Scattered]

I wasn't diagnosed with Adult ADHD until I was 44 and never treated for my childhood hyperactivity though I was diagnosed. I wrote a poem about being adopted that now that I know about my ADHD has other implications for me. I see so much of how my brain was functioning with descriptors like murky, misty past, twisting fact and fantasy, and all sorts of emotional reactivity.

I like you're poem a lot better McClure -- Ms Sunshine was right you're very creative and good at expressing your imagery.

It’s Hard to Grieve, When You’re Lucky

It’s hard to grieve, when you’re lucky.
It’s hard to find your way, when the path’s grown murky.
It’s hard to know reality, when fact and fantasy twist.
It’s hard to know yourself, when your past is just a mist.

It’s hard to feel rejected, when you were chosen, after all.
It’s hard to know your feelings, when they’re hid behind that wall.
It’s hard to feel so lonely, when you’re not alone.
It’s hard to be a kid, when you were always grown.

It’s hard to mourn your losses, when you have so very much.
It’s hard to miss your family, when you feel your mother’s touch.
It’s hard to have no heritage, when you’re not allowed to pry.
It’s hard to let that family go, when you never said good-bye.

It’s hard to feel so needy, when every need is met.
It’s hard to fear the leaving, when no one’s left you yet.
It’s hard to fight the fear off, when it clutches in the night.
It’s hard to shake and stammer, when everything’s all right.

It’s hard to share your pain, when you’re not allowed to cry.
It’s hard to feel real special, when you sometimes want to die.
It’s hard to know you’re lucky, when you’re not allowed to grieve.
It’s hard to feel the safety, when you fear they’ll always leave.


Scattered

[krillZ]

Yes, I've done quite a bit of poetry but this is still one of my favorite excerpts from one of my letters I sent.

things here are fine.

yes, i think about the deep end often....i even tried jumping.....the

pool is decieving......there really is not a deep end.......the middle

is deep, i need to build up enough steam to make it past the knee

buckling shin splintering shallows. if a man prays standing on his

head, does receive a different vision? life is too long.......at least

the parts of it that stay the same......like the sense of smell that

outlives the human.....the stench becomes unbearable before too long.

did you ever want to be wrong....ever want to fail just to say damn, i

am alive!!!! i can't help but wonder about the saints that you dont see

in the churches.....the ones who lived the same but were dissatisfied,

they were made into the hollow trees housing

squirrels, aging with powder post beetles copulating under their skin.



I've seen summers fall and ghettos burn to life.

there is a highway that spoons the coast, wraps it's legs around small

towns, passing houses of people whose names we will never know. i am

one of those nameless. pass me by without a second thought. i am here.

when all the highways end and friends part for the last time we forget

what we were, who we were, and we can marvel with the passing crowds

that see our lifes from the outside. somewhere in transit, we pass

ourselves, mirror child of every *****, killer and well wisher. in the

intersections, the nameless introduce themselves....."i am" they all

say. and i speak up when everyone pauses to mentally name the others,

that one is "rude", that one" selfish", this one "i love", that one i

"don't trust", i break the thought pattern and call myself "i was". now

they leave me, where they were. where i am. for a moment i was there,

I am, "I was".

[mmcclure79]

Scattered, yours does a very good job I think of showing confusion and a bit of the paradox that we all live with.

[meadd823]

Huh guys hello I gotta tell you your poetry is better than my spelling but I must also mention we have a section for creative endevors!!!!

Let me see if I can find the hyperlink:


http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=113


If we could do poetry in there it would round out the traffic here on the forums better. Plus it would allow people like me who write as well as one walks on thier hands with one tied behind thier back not appear sooo verbally clumsy!!!!!!!!

[Andi]

Originally Posted by mmcclure79

I wonder for those of you who were not diagnosed until later in life, did you ever express yourself in an artistic way that just screamed out the frustrations and anxiety of being unmedicated and with no help? I would love to see, if possible. I mean I've seen it said before on these thread that we are supposed to be the creative ones!

I believe the quote above was the main idea of the thread. To seek out those that expressed their frustrations creatively instead of destructively, giving examples is just one way of responding/agreeing.

It's an excellent point. There is no doubt that I have not only used writing as a means to relieve stress and frustrations, but at one time there were few artistic outlets that I didn't pursue. I would lose myself in making music or singing my heart out. My paintings and drawings definitely reflected an angry, frustrated child. Lol, my writing and art caused me many trips to the guidance counselor. How unfortunate that they didn't see it as a cry for help outside of "family issues."

I never thought about it before but yes, I think you are right. I guess you can say that one can potentially self-medicate with artistic pursuits. Heck, you can even broaden it and include athletic interests

[mmcclure79]

In a way you are right Andi. My thoughts were along those lines. I mean I hear about people who self medicate on all kinds of distructive drugs. I personally never did because they never did anything for me. I felt such relief when I wrote my poetry and did a few paintings. Most didn't exhibit anything more than teen angst with the exception of the above.

[Scattered]

Music was also a major outlet for me -- there were times I was involved in performing or practicing music up to 5 hours a day. I also enjoyed writing an occasional song on my guitar or putting a Psalm to music -- David seemed to have a good bit of angst in his life that he expressed in a way that reflected my feelings and need for hope.

Scattered

[ms_sunshine]

My turn to make you blush. I felt rushed earlier, but I had a class coming in, and would you believe they expect me to actually teach them things? Always a catch... I had other things to share, such as:

Anyone who has creativity, in addition to here, PLEASE contribute in the sections available in the forums. I truly believe that these forms of expression can reach out to so many hurting people who haven't yet found their own voices, until they can "speak."

Scattered, I was adopted, too. I once wrote a poem (in the aforementioned Creative Writing class) about a black and white photograph, completely from the perspective of the baby (me). The baby is all grown up, and wondering not about the picture, but the person behind the camera who took the shot decades earlier.

Mmcclure, you gave me one of those lightening bolt moments of clarity. I always consider myself very lucky, because I self medicated with ridiculous quantities of cherry coke and chocolate by the pound bag. After reading your post, it dawned on me...I self medicated by writing. So, thank you.

Some of what I wrote disturbed adults, not because it was macabre, but because I was expressing emotions not associated with a child so young. I wrote my older sister's college papers when I was still barely in high school. (She did my math homework, it was a mutually beneficial arrangement...I mean, um, it was WRONG, and no one should ever do this...do your own work, really... ) What really freaked me out was that I got A's on those papers. I had always believed I was unteachable. I was wrong.

[mmcclure79]

first

Last edited by ms_sunshine : Today at 09:25 PM. Reason: what else? I missed an "m." Yes, again.

how could you?! I bet you even expected them to learn something too! Admit it! You did, how dare you!

But really I think it's amazing how we come up with different ways to deal with ourselves. BEFORE we even know we need to deal with ourselves.

You are right though and so I did repost my poem in the poetry thread. I just never usually scroll all the way down to the bottom of a forum.

[meadd823]

Starting to lose my point. I began wondering what if one day we had come in and the teacher had a poem for us that was written venting/expressing the angst of having ADHD and not knowing it.

Okay sounds like a subject to me!!!!!!

I do enjoy poetry I just wanted those who write things longer than one line at a time to get together so all could enjoy!!!!!

I am dim some from natural state some from alleries making for much itching/swelling/annoying/distracting Ahhhhh

Originally Posted by mmcclure79
I wonder for those of you who were not diagnosed until later in life, did you ever express yourself in an artistic way that just screamed out the frustrations and anxiety of being unmedicated and with no help? I would love to see, if possible. I mean I've seen it said before on these thread that we are supposed to be the creative ones!

I usually do one liners that is pretty much me short attention span style!!!!

Life perpetually moves forward, who ever refuses to let go of their chains from the past will surly be hung by them…..Tammy original 1996

Okay end of my creative moment..hardly peoptry section stuff!!!!

[ms_sunshine]

Sure it is, Meadd. Even one word can be a poem. Post away!

[meadd823]

Hmmmm most of my one word peoms are bleeped by the system **** see!!(lol)

I have written more stuff. I have books of one liners. I don't know to me it is like different stresses bring out different creative endevors.

Like one christmas I was broke and began making jewlery,,,,so the stress of broke causes me to create jewlery and small wooden projects.....

One liners like at the bottom of my signature is usually out of fustration or misunderstandings. I came up with the one below my signature now as an annoyed response from a site (not this one) I treid to get adult ADD partner support. My live boy friend has more ADHD (BIG 'H") than I do. I still live with his untreated ADHD, scense my ADHD is treated I have many of the same problems non-ADD spouses do.

The staff there were supportive but many non-ADD partners seem to have a lot of anger toward ADDers in general..all ADDers.....I was okay until I posted I had ADD then I suddenly became incapible of understanding what it was like to live with some one elses!!!!! The line which now appears in my signature was an actual response to one of the non-ADDers rude behavior.

I could have continued but have found dealing with angery resentful people non-productive for not just me but my presence wasn't going to be a postive thing for the angry non-ADD partners of ADDers either.....too much blameing...I left because I liked the staff and was fixing to be a problem for them!!!!! So I just one lined out of there and that became my newest!!!!!!!!


I have written a poem for my best friend who is worth her weight in gold.....and a song to a man whom I was attracted to years ago who I knew I didn't want to become emotionally attached to....I did any way....and that would be a short story!!!!