need to talk

[kaydog]

Hi. I am brand new to this forum. I've lived with OCD for 25 years (from the age of 5). During the first 19 years no one outside myself knew. In the past 6 years I've begun to share my struggle with a few people including a couple of counselors. But only one person I've ever talked to also has had OCD and that person didn't want to talk to me about it. I need to talk to people who have also struggled with this.

I've read through some of the posts on here and it is so affirming just to hear other people share experiences that are similar to my own. 75% of my OCD is experienced in intrusive thoughts. Another large piece of what I struggle with has become inter-personal conflicts. When I get into a disagreement with someone close to me it's like my real self exits the room and the OCD takes over. I cannot let go of the argument, regardless of what I actually think or believe. I just keep going and going because the situation doesn't "feel right" yet.

I also have PTSD from surviving several years of an abusive marriage. This has made everything so much worse. I believe part of my OCD is that I absolutely cannot tolerate negative feelings. WHen I feel irritable or especially if I feel even the tiniest hint of guilt then the OCD kicks in and it's like my mind runs circles around me trying to "fix it" and make the feeling "go away." I think it's like the intrusive thoughts, but instead it's feelings that come over me and I can't get rid of. I will sit there obsessing over trying to find the root of what I'm feeling. If anyone else is around me it tends to be directed outward--if the feeling were actually caused by someone then maybe there is a way to again "fix it" by conversing with the person. But this is not helpful, because I find myself stuck in an angry game of blaming them for just not wanting to apologize and "fix things." I think my compulsion is trying to make other people apologize in such circumstances, because that is what will lead to some relief from the bad feelings.

And some days, more lately, I just feel like I'm losing my mind. I had a counselor make a suggestion to me that I had MPD and while I thought she was nuts, my OCD took the suggestion and ran with it. So now I find myself sometimes obsessing over what if sometimes I'm someone else and I just dont' know it or realize it! I'm angry that she suggested that, because of how it got incorporated into my OCD. I'm tired of dealing with people who just don't get it.

Talk to me...please.
kdog

[EYEFORGOT]

When I saw your post I felt like I needed to come in and welcome you to the board. I'm not usually in this section, but I know there are others here who can be far more helpful than I.

Let me just say that I hope you find what you're looking for. Moderators and Administrators are here if you have any questions.

[speedo]

I wish I had seen this posting earlier. I have only recently discovered that I have ocd. For me it is mostly mild, and driven by anxiety. It is a comorbid condition that occurs with my primary disorder (still officially undiagnosed).

All I can say is that realizing that I had it, was a big revelation, and finding an appropriate medication , and learning new strategies to deal with it effectively have accomplished a lot in a short period of time. For me, controlling my anxiety is important. I do this through medication and through cognitive processes. Dealing with my ocd when it confronts me requires that I recognize it and take steps to mitigate it.

For example: I sometimes compulsively check my door lock when I leave my apartment. This means that I walk up and down 6 flights of stairs eack time I check my door lock. After a few laps, it can get pretty tiring.... I usually realize that I am in a loop by the second trip, so I make a point to STOP, THINK and REMEMBER that I locked the door and paused to check it BEFORE I walk down the stairs. When I get to the bottom of the stairs the desire to check the lock hits and I remind myself that I already checked the lock and that it is , in fact, locked. I try to let go of the compulsion at that point and walk away. It usually hits a couple more times in a few minutes after that, but I tell myself each time that I already checked the lock, etc....

That approach has worked for me on each occasion where I have "looped out" over my door lock. Working around the OCD really beats doing 6 laps up/down the stairs when I want to go outside just once.... Learning to be patient with yourself helps a lot too.


Me

[kaydog]

Thank you.
The door locking loop reminds me of myself in high school. I used to be late to school because I'd leave my car, get halfway to the building and have to go back to check the doors. I'd loop around my car checking each of the five doors, get halfway back to the school building and have to go back. I overcame this in much the same way you mentioned. I allowed myself one check per morning of the locks and I'd pointedly look at each lock (which was pushed down) as I pulled up each door handle. It took longer the first time, but it was a lot faster than making ten trips back to the car each morning.