Is my relationship over with my ADD boyfriend?

[chimey24]

For the past 7 months I have been dating a divorced father of two children who moved to my state over a year ago to overcome his mother's suicide and his own divorce after being married for 15 years. He chose to move to this state because his brother lives here and he knew he would have a good support system to help him "start over." He has Adult ADD, but took his medication regularly and sought counseling from a licensed therapist when he arrived in my state and for four months before I met him. He has been open and honest with me about his ADD and we have always been able to sit down and talk things through using techniques important in any and all relationships.

We met through a mutal acquaintance and actually started out as just friends, I was seeing someone else. After my relationship ended, we began to spend more time together and eventually our friendship matured into a romantic relationship.

Although he missed his children terribly, he believed he was doing what was right for him by taking control of his ADD the best way he could and dealing with all the hurdles and obstacles life had dealt him. Our relationship was very open, I considered him my best friend and we talked candidly about what didn't work in his marriage, of the mistakes he made and I had made in past relationships and the key points the two of us were wanting in a future life-partner.

Two months ago, his brother, who he was living with, told him he needed to get on with his life and that he should move back to where his kids lived because they needed their father in their lives. Of course he missed his children desperately and wanted to be with them, but he knew financially it was not rational to make the choice to move back to his home state.

After much thought and consideration on our part, he told me he didn't think he was ready to return to his home state and he just couldn't ask me to join him as all my family and friends were around me here. And because he wanted the two of us to have a future together and he was happy with me, he was going to choose to stay.

Unfortunately, before he made his final decision, he told his ex wife he may be returning and she proceeded to tell the children their Daddy may be coming home. He was very upset about this, and knew it would hurt his children tremendously, even though he had already made the decision to stay.

One week ago he proposed to me and we decided to set a date to marry. We told my family and friends and picked out rings together. I was skeptical in accepting the proposal because I had been engaged twice before and knew it was a big step, but the choice was easy when I realized I was going to marry my best friend, my best supporter and my best confidante.

Then he broke the news to the ex wife. She was very upset and told him he was choosing a woman over his children and instead of allowing him to tell his 10 year old son and 5 year old daughter, she blurted out to them while he was on the phone, "Your Daddy isn't coming home, he is choosing a woman over you."

Fireworks flew and my boyfriend was very upset. His 10 year old son cried and cried and proceeded to pack pack all the presents his dad sent him for Christmas in a box and told his mom to mail them back to him. The next day, the son wouldn't go to school because it was "Daddy Doughnut Day" and he didn't want to be at school without his dad. And to top it off, he told his dad he "hated him" and didn't want to talk to him anymore.

My boyfriend hurt terribly. . . we talked through the pain and had decided we were going to make a trip as soon as we could to see his children.

The next day I receive a voice message on my phone that he had left. Left his job, most of his belongings, and was returning to his home state to be with his children. The only explanation I received was that he needed to be with his children. Supposedly when he stopped by his home on his way to work that morning, his son had left him a sobbing message pleading for him to come home. It was at that point he decided to leave. He added he didn't feel he would have any amount of peace in his life until he was back with them.

That same day I was able to talk to him. I was hurt, angry and in shock. How could he just up and leave when I just kissed him goodbye that morning and told him I would see him that night?

I asked him if this meant the two of us were over. He told me he couldn't give me a straight answer because he was just focusing on getting home to his children. He reminded me it had nothing to do with his ex wife, but that the children came first and his home state is where he belonged. He told me loved me, but that this was just something he had to do.

What bothers me is that he would just pick up and leave. His impulsiveness can be directly linked to his ADD but he was always very good at thinking things through or at least talking things through with me before making a decision. I talked to his sister-in-law who said he was not taking his medicine, and was herself shocked at his behavior because he seemed genuinely happy about taking the next step in life with me.

Now, I feel like our relatioship was based on nothing, but I want to believe otherwise. During my last conversation with him he told me he couldn't give a stright answer on anything between the two of us. Now it has been three days and I haven't heard from him.

Am I to assume the relationship is over? I just don't understand, I am completely devastated because my best friend has cut me out of his life and I have no idea if he is all right or living on the streets. I wish him only happiness but I also deserve some explanation. I am not angry he went home to his children, but I am angry about how he handled our relationship.

He even took the time to return our rings, and tell me he was sorry for wasting my time. In less than 12 hours, he went from telling me he was going to enjoy spending the rest of his life with me to leaving me in a blink of an eye with a simple phone message.

I want to believe our relationship matters and I still want to spend the rest of my life with this person, even if it means moving to another state. I don't want to give up on him, but I am hurt in wondering why he hasn't called in three days. Am I jumping the gun, and should I wait a little longer? I just wish he would stop and take a few breaths and realize what he has done. Any advice?

[Crazygirl79]

Darling

Wow, I didn't read this post in full before but this sounds like a tough situation and I guess the only thing I can say is to tell him how you feel, even if you have to write a letter or take him to a relationship counsellor or whatever you think is best, but when and if you tell him your feelings...be clear.

[happycat]

Chimey, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through--this has to be devastating. You absolutley have the right to an explanation of what's going on. And really, usually there are 2 sides to a story, but in this case, his ex was totally out of line to say that to the kids--whatever her emotions were at the time, she ultimatly wounded her own kids in a really low way. And IMHO, I think it's extremly selfish of her to hurt you or your bf by using her kids. There's no excuse for that type of behavior.
Yeah, your bf might have been impulsive (and taht's something you should probably consider when/if you choose to marry him) but I don't think your relationship is over just yet.

Talk to him, see what he thinks--don't pressure him to come back in the first convo. Just try to figure out what's going through his head. And I'm confused about one other thing--why can't he marry you and be with his children? I know its tougher, but long-distance relationships are possible (for a while). Do you think it's an option for him to be with his kids for a bit, settle things down, let them know he loves them, etc. and stay engaged to you? Both my sisters married guys that lived long distance (one of my bro-in-laws lived in Ireland, and my sister literally got married within two weeks of meeting him--impulsive, anyone?) Both of my sisters did the long-distance thing for a bit, but it worked out because I think they cared enough and had a connection. Sounds like you have that connection with your bf. Don't give up hope, and hear your bf out. You both sound like really caring people.

Best of luck!

[chimey24]

Since I have been with him for awhile, I assume he is feeling angry with himself for what he did and is afraid to call. I have no way to contact him, he has no phone nor address to reach him at. I am tempted to phone his brother and ask if he is all right. I hope the message will eventually reach him that I was concerned for his well being. I do want him to be happy and I hope he has made the right decision to return home to his children. My dream would be for him to come back and wisk me away on his white stallion, but life isn't like the movies and I don't expect much from him except a possibly explanation. I want to believe he truly loved me, but with him leaving the way he did, it's hard to actually believe anything anymore.

[happycat]

Chimey--ask your brother-in-law for his number, or how to contact him. I really think you need to contact him. We add people can be very oblivious to hints--and your hoping that he will figure out that you reached out because you cared may never happen. Crazygirl's right--talk to him and be very very clear about how you feel. If you puruse through this forum, you'll discover that adders can be very obtuse to hints, however obvious they may be.

[Crazygirl79]

If you keep phoning his family and friends to find out about his welfare, this might show him how much you love and care for him and yes you're definitely entilted to an explanation for his leaving and I think you should keep going until you get it, there's nothing worse than having someone leave you whether it's in a romantic relationship or a platonic friendship without explaining why.

Sorry I was slow on the uptake with this post....I'm not focusing too good today and sorry if I appear to be just rambling.

Take Care
Selena

Originally Posted by chimey24

Since I have been with him for awhile, I assume he is feeling angry with himself for what he did and is afraid to call. I have no way to contact him, he has no phone nor address to reach him at. I am tempted to phone his brother and ask if he is all right. I hope the message will eventually reach him that I was concerned for his well being. I do want him to be happy and I hope he has made the right decision to return home to his children. My dream would be for him to come back and wisk me away on his white stallion, but life isn't like the movies and I don't expect much from him except a possibly explanation. I want to believe he truly loved me, but with him leaving the way he did, it's hard to actually believe anything anymore.

[chimey24]

His ex was totally out of line by initiating the dreaded talk to the children about him not coming home. In a perfect situation, it would have been nice for us to take a trip (1000 miles) to his home state and tell the children directly to their faces. We even had decided that after we marry it might be in our best interest to move to his home state so that he could be closer to his children. It was a sacrifice I was willing to take and am still willing to take. I know the situation looks horrible, but if you could only know the love the two of us shared. We connected and it took both of us to a higher level, higher than his ADD and higher than anything else I had ever experienced. We were a good match, friends friends, lovers second. I couldn't have asked for better person to come into my life, even with ADD. In fact, weeks, and days would go by and I would forget about his ADD because from the beginning we decided to take steps to work through the obvious issues that could arise based upon the failures in his past relationships and the counseling he had been through to help him. His ex was not a good person for him, she cut him down and makes him feel like crap. She didn't help his ADD, sorry to say, she contributed to it. I can only hope he loves me enough to see through the light.

[Uminchu]

Just pure conjecture here, but from the experience of some of my own flake-outs in the past, he might think that he totally hosed things up, so wants to just get it out of sight, out of mind.

I have pulled these kinds of run-for-the-hills act in business relationships. One time, I totally screwed up, missing an important deadline and making my client lose one of their biggest clients. I told them I was sorry, and that I couldn't work with them any more. I just couldn't face the havoc I had caused.

A few days later, the president of the company sent me an email saying that there had been difficult circumstances, but that they would like to maintain a relationship with me and move forward. Somehow the way the email was worded made me completely turn around, and I have worked for them steadily since.

I think the key elements were not dredging up my idiocy, showing understanding, and letting me know I had a place to return to.

In another situation where I screwed up similarly, the company wanted to keep working with me, but was accusatory in their contacts. Yes, it was completely my fault, but I still felt no desire to work for them again.

So I guess that if you want to revive your relationship, an understanding, conciliatory, and forward-looking letter/email might be a good idea. I know it is probably hard to strike that kind of note when it isn't in the least bit your fault.

[chimey24]

I just called his brother and sister-in-law - the only people other than his ex wife (who I refuse to call) and left a message asking if he made it home and if he was all right. Hopefully they will call me back. You are right, I am not going to give up on him. I won't let him, I love him too much - ADD and all.

And Selena - you are not rambling. . . you are full of lots of ideas and thoughts, and that is more than what most people can say about themselves!

[chimey24]

Umnichu -
THANK YOU - you are so right. I know in other situations I have been the one to make sure he understands his "failures" were not his intention and have reached out to him so that he knows he is all right. I think he may believe I am angry with him and is afraid of what I will say next.

My last conversation with him 3 days ago, he told me he couldn't tell me a straight answer about "us" because I believe his only focus at that time was his children. His tunnel vision (highly associated with his ADD) was in full swing. I can only believe when the dust settles and he realizes how much I care for him will he want to fight for our relationship. I don't care if I have to move 1000 miles to be with him - if he truly loves me, I am there.

[Crazygirl79]

I can understand you not wanting to call his ex wife and to put it plainly she sounds like a real cow, she should have found a different way to explain to the kids that he wasn't coming back home to her.

Overall you sound like a nice person and I hope this relationship does work out between you two and I hope you both can find the light at the end of the tunnel and keep sailing smoother waters.

Thanks for saying I wasn't rambling...lol I have a tendency to talk in circles and ramble on a bit.

Hang in there!!

Originally Posted by chimey24

I just called his brother and sister-in-law - the only people other than his ex wife (who I refuse to call) and left a message asking if he made it home and if he was all right. Hopefully they will call me back. You are right, I am not going to give up on him. I won't let him, I love him too much - ADD and all.

And Selena - you are not rambling. . . you are full of lots of ideas and thoughts, and that is more than what most people can say about themselves!

[chimey24]

Thanks crazygirl - all of you have been a BIG help to me as I sort through all my emotions and everything else going on in my mind. I just wish I knew the answer. I suppose once I hear from his brother and the message is sent through the grapevine that I called and was inquiring about him, maybe then he will call. I can only hope.

[Crazygirl79]

Just hang in there!!

[woodswoman]

I'm not saying his behavior is 'ok', but my son (14) doesn't live with me and if he called begging me to come home, I'd probably do something stupid and be on the next plane.

Is it right? probably not. but I do know there are way too many emotions flying around for me to make a sound judgement. it has nothing to do with my BF or the quality of our relationship. Heck, my son has been mine for 14 years, but BF has only been there for 3. I think in a way - how can a parent refuse their childs cry for help?

It does sounds like the ex is out of line. he needs to get a grip on that and the children. the ex can have an awful influence on them. maybe him going back can be a good thing. yea, it sucks for you, but if it's meant ot be, it'a meant to be.

I say this as a person who moved 1000 miles away from my son for a relationsihp. Had my son shown any signs he neededme there, I'd have been there. but he seems relatively happy and secure so I feel ok being away. Maybe things will even out and he can move back with you. If not,maybeyou can move to him and become part of his life.

It's just so complicated, but try to see it from everyone's eyes (except the ex - she's evil no matter what . its hard for everyone.. give it a reasonable amount of time (I'm not saying wait 10 years) and keep an open mind and I'm sure things will work out for the best.

best wishes to you in what sounds like a confusing situation...

Robin

[chimey24]

Robin,
You have helped shed more light on a very difficult situation. I am not going to give up just yet. I am going to give him the space and time to figure things out and I am still going to be here - standing next to him, maybe 1000 miles away, but still standing next to him. I am trying to keep and open mind and realize what I am feeling is a sudden loss of what I believe to be the love of my life. He did what was right at the time and is working through the emotions. I have spoken to his sister-in-law and she has affirmed what I already knew. He loves his children but is soon realizing the move wasn't the best decision he made. He misses me terribly and is hurting bad about what he did. I told her to tell him I am not mad at his decision to leave, I am still here for him and I refuse to give up on our relationship - even if it means moving 1000 miles to be there with him. Time will only tell and I have to believe this is right.

Thank you again for your advice and help.
Have a great one -
D