Doubts.... overwhelming people

[Princess-of-Chaos]

Hi,

I have huge doubts about my social skills....
Got the impression I'm either too reserved or I overwhelm people.

Yesterday, I met a friend. He is 12 years older than I am (24, he is 36). I only know him since half a year, but we do talk a lot.

He mentioned so frequently that he had higher standards and different goals when he was younger. His conclusion was that he must have overestimated his skills. On the other hand, he told me social life and his child were important to him, too. He would not want to have less time for that. He seemed to be unhappy about that.

Did not know what to say about that. But today, I sent him an e-mail.


Now, I am wondering whether this mail could be "too much", whether I'll spoil again something by intruding too fast....



Could you tell me what you think about this mail?


"I just thought in the train about what you've said yesterday about standards and
goals.
Of cause I don't know, but I believe you had good reason to think you are able
to reach your goals. I do not know enough to say anything about it, but to me
you seem to be rather successful. Most people I know BEGIN their PhD at 25/26,
and do not finish!
Maybe you did not overestimate but underestimate yourself.
To be able to feel what one needs is a skill. Many override their own needs and
their successes are empty, as they were only symbols for what they were longing
for. Success is no end in itself, happiness is (at least in the opinion of most
philosophical schools, as far as I know ;-)).
To see what one does not know is a skill, too. From my small experience I could
conclude most "successful" people ignore their doubts. Maybe they simply can't
perceive reality is something we can not see. Maybe they are so caged in
themselves they are unable to look in "the mirror".
" Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought" (Hamlet) sounds very true for
me...
Maybe the goals you wanted to achieve make no sense to you anymore?

I do not know what your goals were. Neither do I know you well. I'm very new to
the world outside of lectures and exams.

It's just some stupid thoughts....
But also kind of a look from the outside.

Pia

(Hobby-Philosopher, guess my birth mother and some friends of mine, who studied
it, would get headache)"

Thanks.....

[Julezz]

Factually, you've already sent it. The best thing to do is wait for a reply or until next time you see him. I've found that typically when I question something I've done, I over analyze it and eventually end up creating more of a mess than when I started. If you sent the mail in good faith, and non-maliciously (which I'm sure you did) then it should be all good. If you feel the "urge" to send an explaination, then do so, but say what you want to say and be done with it. Try and keep it simple....atleast that is the advice I'd give myself.... (always easier said than done )
Hope it helps.

[KirkT]

I think that's a great email. If he was comfortable enough to tell you that he is not happy in his current position, and/or that he didn't accomplish his goals, then I'd assume that he'd be fine with that email.

The tone to me says, "It isn't over and don't stop trying". I'd be thrilled to have somebody talk to me like that.

[Bob1951]

piaszw,

I have found that the most difficult thing to be is not me. Truth be told, some people do not like me. I'm gregarious, extroverted, talk to most everyone I interface with, blurt out jokes, some laugh others look on with scorn. Some react very negatively. Others put a big smile up and we interface.

Tough toe nails for the Bob haters. It took me several decades to get here. Ain't turning back now. They are nuts. We are sane.

Stop worrying about too reserved, too overwhelming. Which are you? The real you will attract the real thing.
Bob

[Princess-of-Chaos]

I am insecure. Actually, I always feel insecure and second-guess myself. But it is more. Partly because he is older than I am, way more experienced, and I feel stupid, impulsive and naïve compared to him. But this might be exactly the reason I find him interesting, which makes me even more insecure. I had to fight not to think too much about him, as I want to keep my promises (to my boyfriend, whom I love). I had the impression he might understand more about some topics than others do. He seems to know way more about the “depths” in all of us.

Because of this insecurity I act impulsively, show different parts of myself in exaggerated ways, and don’t know what to do. Sometimes I am very reserved, sometimes I might be too invasive. Unfortunately I can’t always influence my behaviour, although I do not like it. I see the way I am acting, and as soon as I perceive it, I already acted. Consequently, the second-guessing and the insecurity get worse.

But maybe it is even better if I repel him, as I am not sure I have enough discipline to keep myself from trying stupid things if he came closer.

[Naomi2]

Originally Posted by piaszw

Got the impression I'm either too reserved or I overwhelm people.

Join the club

I can't seem to get it right

[Scattered]

I married my best friend -- and it was one of the smartest things I ever did. All the other guys I dated I put on a good front for. Not my husband -- he got to see the real thing. I could never have maintained the fascade. He amazingly enough really likes me. You'll never know if someone likes you if they're not seeing the real you and that means the sometimes over the top you and sometimes the withdrawn you. Since it is hard at first to be fully yourself, it's a good idea to give relationships lots of time -- the real you does eventually come out. Believe me -- an awful lot better to have things not work out now then after commitments have been made. Besides when a relationship doesn't work out it leaves you available to meet the one with whom it can work. Easier said than done I know -- but still true.


Scattered

[bryneyegirl133]

QUOTE=piaszw]I am insecure. Actually, I always feel insecure and second-guess myself. But it is more. Partly because he is older than I am, way more experienced, and I feel stupid, impulsive and naïve compared to him. But this might be exactly the reason I find him interesting, which makes me even more insecure. I had to fight not to think too much about him, as I want to keep my promises (to my boyfriend, whom I love). I had the impression he might understand more about some topics than others do. He seems to know way more about the “depths” in all of us.

Because of this insecurity I act impulsively, show different parts of myself in exaggerated ways, and don’t know what to do. Sometimes I am very reserved, sometimes I might be too invasive. Unfortunately I can’t always influence my behaviour, although I do not like it. I see the way I am acting, and as soon as I perceive it, I already acted. Consequently, the second-guessing and the insecurity get worse.

But maybe it is even better if I repel him, as I am not sure I have enough discipline to keep myself from trying stupid things if he came closer.[/quote]HEY,
analyzing is bad when you keep thinking about thinks and thinking over and over again they only lead to you thinking the worse things and im sure that is not really the case. dont worry im sure everything will be fine

[Princess-of-Chaos]

He wrote back today morning. AAAhhhh, I'm behaving like a teen....
Of cause, I sent him a second e-mail yesterday.

Now, I do not want to open that stupid mail, because I'll for sure ruminate about it and I still want to work a bit on my thesis. So I am going to read it as soon as I decide to go home.

Why the hell can't I sometimes open e-mails or letters? I project usually hundreds and thousands of fears, which rarely become true.

Why am I so ***** insecure with this guy? Why can't I just try to be friends, as I cannot imagine being his girlfriend anyway? (He has a child, and I still feel like a child myself).
Apart from that, I love my boyfriend, I am very happy with him.
And, it might be not nice, but I do not especially like the body of this guy.
Still, maybe because of my curiosity or my generally well-developed "drive"
I think way too often about him.

But if I do not want to get involved with him physically, just talk, and I love my boyfriend, why am I behaving as a 14 year old girl?

I know, ADDers are said to be only 2/3 of their actual age, so I'd be 16.

As soon as I'm ashamed to go swimming, have to laugh all the time and get a red head as soon as I see someone male, I'm going crazy!!!!

And do not misinterpret my post:

I've always been faithful, I could never ever look in the mirror again if I were not...
I strongly believe in commitment and exclusive relationships. Somehow it would destroy my self-esteem if I cheated.
I hate lies.


So why the hell am I behaving like that??????