I don't want to separate

[esr3]

Hi. I'm new here and, at the moment, a bit desperate. I posted most of what I have to say here in the New Member Introduction section but I figured it might be a good idea to post the link in here too.

It's barely been weeks since it's dawned on me that I have ADD. I'm just starting to get somewhere towards a real diagnosis and some meds and (as I mention in the post linked above) my wife seems to think it'd be better for her if we "temporarily separate" while I get my act together. I want to honor her wishes but I don't want to be alone at this critical juncture in my life!

Is separating normal in situations like this? I love her so much but in the past month it's like she's become a different person. In my inattentiveness I assumed she was supporting my recovery but this just feels so wrong! I feel angry & like I am being abandoned. I feel like she is letting me down. She says she feels like she is "about to crack" and seems to barely be able to stand being around me.

I understand that a lot of her patience has been worn thin over the three and a half years we've been married. I just wish she could relax a little and let me get on some meds and sort this thing out.

[dormammau2008]

there never is a right time to be alone ..............>>>even at this critcal juc in your life if youve been married that long you think she know you by now an take you for who you are but ....ask her to give you bit time an see were things go it may well be that she still wents to be temply separated from you but you need to hang in there an see werre the dic falls dorm >> good luck

[tinkerbelle]

I don't think there is such a thing as "normal" in this type of situation. But, it sounds like she is running scared right now. I would definitely second couples counseling with someone who is focused on keeping the marriage together.

Since you are much better at writing things down, perhaps you could enter into a dialogue about your relationship with each other via email? Even if you're just sitting in separate rooms IM'ing each other, you may be able to tell her things that you couldnt get out in a conversation. That also might allow you guys to talk to each other without fighting etc.

Two weeks isnt very long to find a job. Especially if you are currently in treatment and trying to get your head on straight. If she needs deadlines/numbers, maybe you could come to an agreement that you get a job (any job) within 2 weeks, and then once you've been on medication for 2 months and are feeling much more stable, you'll agree to find something a little more productive or career oriented. Just a thought

As for types of jobs, have you checked into something like fedex or ups? From what I understand, they are frequently hiring and have very good health insurance, even for part time employees.

Good luck, and hang in there

[esr3]

Hi tinkerbelle.

Yes, I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in ADHD for about a month now. And that's what is so odd because she's been with me two out of the four times I've been. Admittedly though the focus has all been on diagnosing me and not dealing with her issues... at least so far. Sadly my therapist seems to be out of town for today and tomorrow. Next appointment is Monday.

From what I can tell she's just been bottling up her emotions... she's like that. She's really a sweet person normally but she has this dark, quiet anger burning inside her. What seemed to really trigger all her surpressed anger at me was the fact that we were looking to buy a house or a condo and the market around here is kind of crazy. Because of my lack of organizational skills and financial acumen I've had no bank account or credit cards for years now... I have no credit and I am just a lowly landscaper, therefore I can't offer anything on a loan. She keeps asking me what would I do if she were injured and couldn't work or fired or whatever and I had to support us? I don't even know how to answer this question.

I know I have to get a job. But over the years I've found jobhunting is one of the things that just causes me to simply shut down. I was hoping it would change with age and I found a comfortable niche for most of the 90s at a video store (seen the movie Clerks? I lived it... i think just about everyone who worked there had ADHD to some degree) but now I am in a strange new place and it's even more difficult. I'm so consumed by anxiety I can hardly function. Although some days I feel almost "normal" on most other days I can barely do a thing I get so consumed by anxiety. The thing is if I am with a friend or my wife... I feel much more secure.

I've had this week and next week off because my boss is on vacation. Good thing because I don't really know how I'd get through working. Luckily my boss is an old friend who has ADD herself(!) and she's been really understanding. I just feel badly she has to put up with me and my problems.

Waiting for my wife to get back from work right now... supposedly we are going to talk some more even though we both feel like broken records at this point. The only thing I can do is beg for time... but I really think I might try texting her in the next room over IM.

[no7opinion]

Do not take this the wrong way, but... your wife married you for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health...

I helped my wife get through a lot of emotional and psychological BS and then she has the nerve to look at me funny and like I am the problem when her **** subsides and we both realize I have a problem.

If she really loves you you both need to have a heart to heart and figure out how you want to deal with it together. She needs to accept that some things may never change, however, you will do your best to become more aware of ADD behavior(s)

Anyway, if she bails on you during your time of need, I would tell her to keep walking.

my opinion. hopefully not too harsh.

[esr3]

Why would I take that the wrong way? It makes perfect sense... to me!

Sadly, though, it does not seem like this is going to work out in a way that I find makes any sense. We had a long tearful discussion. I begged her not to leave. I made what I thought are rational arguments but she just will not budge. Now she not only wants us to separate but she wants to move (along with ALL our belongings) BACK to Massachusetts where we came from! It was ungodly expensive to move everything out in the first place! I understand that she's upset but I have to say that what I am hearing from her is less than rational and seems purely selfish. I really think that the sane and stable girl who I married has something weird going on in her head as well. She thinks because she scanned through one of those ADD brain test symptomology lists that she knows all about it. ARGH!

I've gotten almost no sleep and have to crash... I'll try to pop in here tomorrow and maybe I'll have a different perspective. I am totally worn down & out. But I really wanted to thank you folks for the support and advice. Every little bit helps.

[northrose]

I don`t want to sound cold. In my 41 years of life, I have found that I could not change anyone,,, Just myself. I could not force anyone to love me,,, I had to learn to love myself. I could not keep someone in my life when they wanted out,,, I had to learn to let go and stand on own. To me, your wife was waiting for an out......... And she took it. Quit looking at the ground! Hold your head up! Get on with your new life,,, Learn from this.

[Alex]

I recently went through something similar. And in my case, it has ended with me divorcing my wife. Not that I'm saying your situation will end the same, I hope you two can work it out and be happy together. In my case, it wasn't the tension, it was that she decided to start screwing guys in bars behind my back.

I think you guys need counseling. Not because you're both screwed up, because you're not communicating. This was also a problem with my marriage, and my wife steadfastly refused to go to counseling for some ungodly reason. What is quite likely happening is that your wife may intellectually know you can't help certain things, but not have processed that internally, so while she knows you can't help it, she feels like you should be able to, so she gets angry.

And to be frank, she needs to let that go. I'm not saying she has to accept whatever you do, but she has to stop getting annoyed with you over things you can't help. It's the equivalent of getting annoyed at someone with a bum leg for walking too slowly.

And there are probably things you don't realize you're doing that you can improve that will help too; I'm not dumping all this on her. Which is why I suggest counseling; a third independent person can often help cut through the crap and get to the issues at hand.

People without ADD often can't understand how anxiety can completely lock us down. I'm the same way; if I get anxious about something, I'll freeze and do nothing for weeks. It's something stupid, like "If I apply for that job I might not get it", but it'll still shut me off. My brain blows that minor detail into a "if I touch that wire, I might get a deadly jolt of electricity" kind of issue.

And that's not right. It's definitely something that has to be worked on. But someone who loves you also has to have the patience to see how much work it is to get through that. Sure, it's easy for them. So? Going up stairs is easy for most people. For someone who's been wheelchair-bound and just relearning how to walk, though, it's heinous. The difference is that the issues ADDers face aren't physically obvious.

[esr3]

Well... all good advice. Thanks for all the replies. But Alex, especially, THANK YOU for your words! You seem to see it EXACTLY the way I do. I thought I'd mentioned this before but my therapist I've been seeing IS an ADD and Marriage therapist. Hopefully when I see her tomorrow she'll have something to tell me. The past two weeks I've been putting off doing my "homework" from her which has been doing a visual map of the things that I am successful at and the things that I prefer to avoid. I want to do it but things have been so up and down for me the past couple weeks that I sort of feel like she has me "fingerpainting" when I need some real advice. I also feel now like she's been operating with a different assumption of what my wife has been going through.

Since I posted this, I got out of the house overnight and visited a friend. Talking to people helps me out immensely. There is a lot of trouble communicating between me and my wife right now. She says she feels she needs to "step back" from the situation. It's weird when I tell her about my ADD symptoms and she rolls her eyes at me. She's sick of hearing that "excuse". I told her I really don't think she knows anything about what I've gone through in my life or what ADD is. She claimed she did but then when I'd start to explain what I've experienced versus what I've been learning about ADD she sort of responds with "oh... really... i didn't understand that..."

So... what my plan is right now is to go to my therapist tomorrow and let her know how the situation has changed and see if she'll have my wife in for a chat. I feel it'd be good for my therapist to sort of translate her feelings to me and vice versa as well as just get her to realize what the situation is for us as a couple.

My wife is really showing me an angry and emotional side which I wasn't quite aware existed and that is freaking me out. Everything we have built seems to hang in the balance and I am doing everything I can to preserve what normality can exist in this situation. I want to fix myself and I realize this takes time. But I do need my therapist to "kick things up a notch". I dunno... maybe I'll have more to share with you all tomorrow.

[Alex]

Originally Posted by esr3

It's weird when I tell her about my ADD symptoms and she rolls her eyes at me. She's sick of hearing that "excuse". I told her I really don't think she knows anything about what I've gone through in my life or what ADD is. She claimed she did but then when I'd start to explain what I've experienced versus what I've been learning about ADD she sort of responds with "oh... really... i didn't understand that..."

To go back to my wheelchair analogy;
"Honey, can you get that jar down off the top shelf for me?"
"Uhhh...." *points to wheelchair*
*rolls eyes* "Fine, I'll do it myself!"

ADD makes some things difficult. She has to be willing to accept that. Not that it disables you completely, but some things will always be harder for you than most people. Period. Full stop. You may get better at them, but it will probably never be completely "cured"; adult ADD doesn't typically go away regardless of treatment.

It goes the other way too. You have to be willing to accept that your issues will annoy her, and work on them as much as possible.

And she has to recognize that you're making an effort, and what an effort it is, even if she could do more with less effort.

Relationships are work.

[esr3]

Yeah. I get the analogy. I'm really finished trying to get her to change the way she feels... I just have a tough time understanding how this crisis is going to resolve itself and leave us with any sort of relationship. She's off right now seeing a lawyer about what serparation entails. To her credit, although she feels she needs to step away from the relationship for the time being, she isn't kicking me out of her life altogether. I suppose I just have to learn to be happy with what support I am getting from her. Lots of stuff to talk to the therapist about today. I really hope she'll be willing to talk to my wife about this because I'm done trying to explain it.

[northrose]

Again, I don`t want to sound cold,,,, You cannot make someone an understanding, loving equal in a relationship. With all your effort and pain you have put into trying to get some support and understanding,,,She rolls her eyes and still wants to separate. You think that a few appts. with a therapist will change her into this loving wife,,,,, Try it and if it works, GREAT!!! I am a woman and from what I read of her, she lacks ability to learn and implement what she has learnt,, at least when it comes to her husband and his ADD. I know how it is to be diagnosed, start on meds and see life in a total different way. Just uderstanding ADD and how it has affected my daughters [also ADD] and my life is alot to absorb and having a spouse of that sort on top of this all,,,, It must be tough and I feel for anyone in this situation. Sometimes change is a good thing. I don`t have typing skills, there is more I want to say, but I`d be here all day. Later,,,

[Crazy~Feet]

OK I will step up and take a swing at this.

WARNING!

May be long and longwinded!

To add to Alex's excellent wheelchair analogy, the bull analogy. Trying to turn an ADDer into a NT is like trying to teach a bull to sing. I have never heard of a singing bull myself, but I do know that I am like a bull...try to force me to sing and not only do I not sing, I get mighty annoyed at being asked to do something I was never meant to do .

BDH has his own statement I fall back on from time to time, this is how he "sees" me:

"Ok this is my spin on it. You are like a flashlight, the type that can narrow the beam when the end is twisted. Sometimes, to me, you look like somebody twisted the end way to much, trying to get a wider angle of light and instead went too far and now the light is too diffuse to see anything at all.
And if I am understanding you here, then hyperfocus is when the beam is so narrow that all you can see is that tiny area of light.
NonADDers have selfregulating flashlights, and you don't, and the medicine lets you "see", provides proper lighting but you don't know what to make of what you see then because you are so used to inconsistant lighting."

It's weird when I tell her about my ADD symptoms and she rolls her eyes at me. She's sick of hearing that "excuse". I told her I really don't think she knows anything about what I've gone through in my life or what ADD is. She claimed she did but then when I'd start to explain what I've experienced versus what I've been learning about ADD she sort of responds with "oh... really... i didn't understand that..."

Ah yep! No fooling. She does not "get it" as of right now. Nothing is preventing her from trying to "get it" as far as I can see from your posts.

It is different at my house, however. Nobody here is NT, not by a long chalk (well, the baby might be, but she is too young to tell and even then that's gonna be her issue [if she is NT] because nobody else here is!). Maybe ya wanna hand her this clue?

At my house, me and the Kid (aged 10) are severely ADD yet manifest different symptoms and problems. BDH is BDH because he is my brain-damaged husband. He is another type of nuerological challenge entirely...this is what prompted me to post:

She keeps asking me what would I do if she were injured and couldn't work or fired or whatever and I had to support us? I don't even know how to answer this question.

Hrmph, where's Dorm?

How about if she got injured and brain-damaged like my hubby and was no longer NT?? Would she expect you to learn about her and understand that or would it be OK for you to roll your eyes at her then?

We struggle for balance with this type of thing every day at my house! Took over 3 years for us to even know what might possibly be going on with me and the Kid, and wade through BDH's family denial system to get to the fact that he is, indeed, brain-damaged. We still have not gotten him checked out...but Google is an amazing thing, and that's where I stepped in and searched until my fingers ached. Something is clearly not OK with BDH, it has no medical label as of this post, but the knowledge that some of his so-called "excuses" might have a name at some point is enough to move toward understanding and to move past blame for now.

That's why we are called called a FAMILY in the first place. For better or for worse, not "until things do not make sense to me".

She is entitled to confusion and pain and regret and all the steps of the greiving process and so are you. Bottom line is (IMO) you are a family.

I probably have more to say but I am too emotionally caught up in this kind of situation in my life to continue right now. I am hopeful this helps in any small way, and feel free to discard this reply if it makes no sense to your situation.

Crazy (Headmistress of NueroDiversity University...its my home)

[esr3]

Very well said, Crazy-Feet. It makes a lot of sense and these are things I've discussed with my wife. She really is trying to understand my situation. I just hate the fact that apparently I've made her so miserable she needs to go away for a while.

A lot of what you folks are telling me is definitely great info, but it's also odd how much of it is already stuff I knew about myself.

[Crazy~Feet]

Thanks esr. BDH has just announced that he cannot see why I consider myself to be the glue that holds this family together, but upon being asked what does constitute glue, he is unable to verbalise his thoughts. Maybe he cannot due to brain-damage or maybe...

Ugh, maybe I am not so good after all....

Crazy