ADD women and their friendships with other females

[FlakeyGirl]

I'd like to hear about how other women deal with "friend", as opposed to "family", relationships with other women. I've always had better luck being friends with guys. It just seems to me that they don't "need" the constant attention that women need. I have found few women or girls, earlier, with whom I can be friends.

I find that women, not to generalize, are more "high maintenance" in this department, always with the "call me backs" and the birthday cards and the hurt (unintentionally) feelings. It has been my experience that guys,again, not to generalize, are not that way. They don't care if you don't call them back for a week or longer. They don't play things such as the "Are you mad at Me?" game.

What I have done in the past is just to make it a personal policy not to have "high-maintenance" people in my life (except for those I didn't choose). I am starting to realize as I get older that I may have been cheating myself. Anyone else? Stories, suggestions.

Post or PM me if you don't want everyone to read.

[ferrette1976]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I had girlfriends up until my Jr. Year of high school. It seemed like I was always going through an argument with someone – it was sometimes over a “dirty look” I seemingly gave someone. It ended with a big falling out in the group. I stuck close to my boyfriend throughout the rest of high school.

I haven’t had any close girlfriends ever since. Just like you, I am now wondering if I am missing out. Now I try to make a bigger effort in calling the wives of my husband’s friends and getting together with them. You’re right though, it seems like it’s a lot more work to have female friends. I think they don’t realize how hard it is for me, but I am hoping that my efforts will pay off.

[FlakeyGirl]

Ugh! I HATED the dirty look game. Can I take a shot in the dark and assume you were not in a sorority. HaHa. Good job calling the wives, I've thought of that one but I'm kind of scared I would embarass my husband by saying someting I shouldn't.

[krisp]

I have a few close female friends, but I've always found it easier to talk to males. I find I'm more likely to get weird looks from women, even when I don't think I'm being particularly strange. If women really are more in tune with others than men are, perhaps they spot our differences sooner. And I think there's more cultural pressure for women to conform than there is for men. Women who strive to be "normal" and "feminine" might find us disconcerting. I think that eccentric behavior is still more accepted in men.

I recently joined a mothers' group, and am gradually sifting through it to find people who don't give me "The Look." Martha Stewart need not apply.....

[Christine7777]

I am so glad I read this one, because I never thought about it until now. I think I got along with males better too, they didn't mind my "ditsy-ness". In fact, they seemed to appreciate it as a fun characteristic rather than as a stupid one. I realize that I avoided the ritsy or snobby girls as well because I felt that somehow I just didn't measure up to them intellectually or creatively. I was above average and even made the National Honor Society, but I explained it away that it was because the teacher that nominated..just liked me. I have always done that to myself...sabbotaged anything that I may have managed to accomplish. I still, to this day, don't feel that I really have ever done anything great out in the world. Has anyone else felt this way?
You're entirely correct about the high-maintenance friends. I'm not all that organized to keep up with them on a daily basis. My friends are the easier going gals that don't pout over petty things.

[FlakeyGirl]

krisp, you brave, brave girl. That is so great you joined a mothers group. Your kids will really appreciate it.

I'm already a bit younger that most of the moms who have kids the same age as my older kids, so there's already that obvious difference. I dress differently, listen to different music and watch different TV shows so conversation starters are tough. Not that I don't...I 'll talk to anyone who'll listen, but I'm pretty impulsive so once my mouth gets going, its really hard for me to stop or even slow down. Thats when the looks start. I always feel like the other mommies won't play with me, so at functions where there are moms and kids, I will invariably choose the company of the children. So accepting, not like the moms.

I'm halfway thinking of starting a AD/HD moms of AD/HD kids playgroup. If we do manage to organize enough to the point of actually meeting and most show up on the right day at the right time, we'll have to meet in a big open pasture somewhere.

[krisp]

Originally posted by FlakeyGirl
I'm halfway thinking of starting a AD/HD moms of AD/HD kids playgroup. If we do manage to organize enough to the point of actually meeting and most show up on the right day at the right time, we'll have to meet in a big open pasture somewhere.

Oh, that sounds like a blast! I'd join a group like that in a heartbeat.

[joanrdtobe]

Flakey: I've had a few, and I mean a few, GREAT female friends over the last ten or so years......and they have been great....I mean yes there is the negative things associated with being a woman and having them as friends....BUT they have been there for me, listened to me, etc. Frankly I know very few men who are GREAT listeners as women are.....

I think it's a matter of having the RIGHT women friends in one's life....and of course if they are high maintenance then make the choice not to engage them.....

But I think it's important to have both sex friends.....as each sex offers different perspectives of things....

[waywardclam]

2 cents from a man here... I have a few female friends who also seem to have always gotten along better with men that women. I can't speak for them or get into their psyches, but I have to say they are some of THE coolest women I have ever known or appreciated...

[krisp]

Thanks, WWC. I'm sure they appreciated their friendships with you, too. I've had friends of both genders, but in many ways men are refreshing. Too often, I see women subtley pressuring each other to "conform" .... and conformity is such a freakin' bore.

[ferrette1976]

Wouldn't it be cool if we could get all the women in the ADD forums together? I bet we could start some great friendships!

[Jellybean]

I have tons of male friends and tons of female friends. I do more with my male friends because they are more availiable mostly. They are more often not living with the kids. Women aren't as avaliable especially when they have a boyfriend. They seem to have relationships more frequently than men. The men stay single longer. My women friends don't seem to need me as much. I am a very unconforming and rather not needy, so maybe that is why they don't ask me to go to the mall with them, am I missing something? I mostly get together w/female friends to practice music, job related stuff. Then we chat a lot. The other reason is because we have kids that will play together. The men we go out and be silly. I make a lot of my girlfriends from my men friends girlfriends.
In school lots of girls got clingy, I couldn't relate and took it as a compliment but never worried about losing one. That may be the reason I never developed the kind of girlfriend you are buddys with since childhood. I regret that, but not too much. I am just not clingy. I have been teased that I am not clingy enough by men friends and boyfriends.
I love being with women and would love to have a "bestest friend" One of my favorite girlfriends thinks I am always too busy, and I think the same of her. A month ago I needed a friend, and called her and she was free, a rare occurance as she is in school, runs her own buisness, has a husband and a zillion hobbies and other great friends.
She didn't invite me to her anniversary party, she told me about it.
I then realized I wasn't invited so I said "you didn't invite me!" She said "I just always figure your busy" Anyway, I really didn't feel upset, I just tried to show her that I would have liked to have been invited. what is wrong with me? I am going to try to be a little more clingy, if I can. I know there is nothing like a good woman buddy. Well thats my story, I hope I didn't bore you if you read it.

Oh by the way does anyone want to be my friend? I am not clingy, but I am trying to show other woman I need them. So I can know what it is like to shop together! I hardy ever did that with a woman.
Janine

[krisp]

I can relate, Janine. I tend to neglect my friendships too, especially now that I have the kids. And I'm probably in the minority here, but I think shopping as a sport is highly overrated. I've had a few great shopping excursions with friends, but I usually get antsy and bored with the idea pretty quickly. I have very little time to spend with friends these days, so I'd much rather spend that time doing something I enjoy more.

When I do go to the mall, it's usually to run one quick errand, and then let the kids go wild in the indoor playground there. I always see female friends shopping and chatting together, and sometimes I feel a little twinge of regret when I see how much fun they're having. But I know that if I joined them, I'd be bored within five minutes! (Unless one of you would like to go with me...!)

[FlakeyGirl]

I'll go with you, krisp!

I like going to the mall. These are the reasons it is fun: lots of sensory stimulation, I like to spot trends, people watching abounds, good variety of food, retail therapy. If these sound fun to anyone, they are welcome to come to the mall with me.

I do not enjoy the choosing, trying on of items with friends. I find this part tedious. "No,(friend), those earrings do not make you look fat!" I'd rather just walk and talk and eat some teryaki chicken.

If I need something to wear or to purchase a gift I will go with a specific list. If I spend too much time at the mall, I get what I call a "shopper's daze" and lose all interest and sense of direction. I know it's time to leave then, or get some sugar in my bloodstream. The daze can also strike me at the market.

[krisp]

OK, I'm up for the walking/talking/teriyaki chicken part. I also enjoy going through a variety of interesting stores. It's the "let's go through every single item on the rack" part that bores me to tears. Now that I think of it, that's probably why I enjoy shopping with my husband. We just never spend too much time in one place.

I'm also familiar with "the daze." I get overstimulated, my blood sugar drops, and I just have to have some downtime. If I keep trying to shop past that point, I'm more likely to buy things on impulse and wonder later WTF I was thinking.