Relationship help

[mangoes]

A while ago I posted here that I was at the end of my tether with my then partner who has adhd. I decided to split up with him - I was really grateful for the posts you sent me, but when someone said to me, something along the lines of: in time, you will perhaps just realize that he was not the right one for you...i knew in my heart of hearts it didn't ring true.
Months have passed and I really do feel that he was the right one for me, which I never really doubted - it's just that I felt as though so much was demanded of me in the relationship (from encouragement that it was a relationship through to arranging dates, reminding him to call me, trying to be peaceful together...)
I was also quite demanding in many ways as I am a survivor of sexual abuse, and I felt at the end of my resources in pushing the relationship along whilst I felt that my partner was not doing this, he often said because of feeling a lack of motivation in general in life.
I am now devastated that I have lost this man - even though people outside the relationship thought perhaps he was cruel or even (I don't like this that we were both too 'damaged' to be strong together - I know I felt we should be together and I can't seem to move on.
I've been over and over this in mind; I've had no contact with him and I want to let him know that I am there for him, yet I don't feel adequate to be there enough for him, that old catch-22. Still I want to offer all I have.
But is it too late, have I messed it all up? What should I do?
I emailed him today and I didn't put anything very emotional in there but explained I would like to be in touch though I still have a lot going on in my life (job-hunting and an upcoming operation)...
I don't know if I will hear back from him, but if I do, I am feeling very unsure of how to take things forward. When we broke up, he recognised that the relationship had failed largely because of his adhd and I encouraged him to seek some help for this from the support organisations out there and maybe getting a diagnosis from a GP. I said that, were he able to do this, perhaps we could get back together again. His bottom line was that he did not feel he could 'do' relationships (can any of us?!) and so he accepted my breaking up with him as if it affirmed what he had always known.
I feel so sad about this, because he was - we both were - growing in the relationship.
At the moment, I feel I am going a little mad myself. It was only me who knew all these sides to him, though I don't have any idea how he feels about me now...so it would really help me to be able to talk about this with some of you online who have been in any kind of similar situation.

Thanks for listening...
Mangoes

[sweet cheeks]

Hi Mangoes, I just read your post. Have you visited this website? http://www.chadd.org//AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home my husband has gone to these meetings, and I attended some as well. You may be able to get more support.

Also, a firm medical diagnosis may be helpful, for medication, and knowing what you're dealing with. From my understanding, self-diagnosis is some times off, and it may be something else.

[Grade A]

Originally Posted by sweet cheeks

Hi Mangoes, I just read your post. Have you visited this website? http://www.chadd.org//AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home my husband has gone to these meetings, and I attended some as well. You may be able to get more support.

Also, a firm medical diagnosis may be helpful, for medication, and knowing what you're dealing with. From my understanding, self-diagnosis is some times off, and it may be something else.

Some good advice here...

Just like in any relationship, both need to change and own up to their problems. Relationships are hard at the best of times...then throw ADD in the mix. I am currently the one in my relationship that is causing problems with my dissorder, but its worth saving, that is why I am going to get help.

Just my thoughts.

[Aizlyne]

I'd say that if you are willing to make it work (and it sounds like you are) then try to set boundaries right away about what you are willing to put up with. you can't make him get help, but you also can't sacrifice your own emotional health in the proces.

It sounds to me like you love this man very much, but you cant help him or be there for him unless you have the resources to do that. Making a commitment to help him when you still have things to work out for yourself will only burn you out. I know it will be hard, but if you want to be totally there for him, first make sure you are ready .

As far as what to do between now and then I don't know what to tell you. You could let the communication go for now until you are certain you want to give it another try, or you could keep up a casual communication through emails or phone calls so that he knows you are there but that you are also working through things of your own. This could backfire though if he takes it as meaning you are ready to dive back in immidiatly. He might get frustrated by what might look like you not being willing to commit.(did that make sense? I"m not very good with words)

It sounds like you both have self esteem problems too. That can make things difficult to say the least.

(this is all speculation on my part. I know it must be harder when you are in the thick of the situation. I hope for the best for you.)

~Ash

(sorry it was so long)

[mangoes]

Thanks for the good advice...

Yes, Ash, definitely we both have self-esteem problems and I have reached a place where I think I can't put his needs first when my own needs are largely unmet...

I think I can only try to look after myself and hope he will do the same, but it's not easy, given I like to be a 'rescuer' and given I have seen him blossom under my TLC...But I was running out of energy myself, almost at crisis point with this and I don't want to minimize that in jumping back in there (if that were an option).

Thanks again

mangoes

[Aizlyne]

I too have a problem with feeling like i need to rescue people fomr their situation or choices. It's ahrd because you care and you love them. But instead of looking at it from an emotional perspective, just looking at in in practical terms for a while will probobly show you that it makes no sense to spend all your energy on him when you don't even have enough for yourself. (Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only change form) ~ science lesson for today

I wish you all the best

[iluvkoalas]

I know that this is an old post, but I went through a similar situation, although my ex-boyfriend knew he had ADD.

He rejected me in the end, though...

I hope everything worked out for you.