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Old 05-30-18, 05:47 PM
silently silently is offline

Join Date: May 2018
Location: UK
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Intro but no diagnosis

I will try to keep this as short as possible. I am in my late forties and undiagnosed. I have always expected some condition, but am gradually hearing about more ADHD symptom that seem to fit the bill.

Firstly the whole attention/focus stuff is very hard. I am fairly academic, but have always struggled to keep up and noticed a drop in marks in my teens. Once I had my children it was a real uphill struggle. I have to be meticulously organised and honest with my self and my capabilities to get through each day. But on the other hand, in many ways my children have given me a reason for staying alive, helped me harness my creative energy, forced me to live a healthier life style and help me face my demons.

My anxiety is huge. I remember worrying about something at school when I was about eight, and telling a girl that I had a different worry every day. The anxiety consumes me and once my heart starts pounding over fear to do with something, I start to obsess. That in turn affects my concentration as I go down the rabbit hole. And then it affects my mood. I worry about my work for one thing, and I think I have an element of imposter syndrome, although I;m not in a very high achieving bracket, so not sure if thatís possible.
Talking of which, I have had depression on and off all my life. In my early twenties I used to self harm a bit, and tried taking overdoses twice. I did the latter to attract attention and also because I just wanted to stop overthinking and worrying for a bit. I didnít really want to end it forever. As I said, things got harder but also easier when I had my children, and Iíve found it easier to keep going.
I am not in a loving relationship with a partner, and part of the reason I came to an ADD forum is because I donít think I ever will be, but want to explore this more. When I was younger I would get drunk and then find men. I could only really connect with alcohol, but obviously it was pretty superficial and short lived. I liked intelligent men, but I also craved excitement, so slightly rough or unstable men were attracted to me. I married a man who drank too much, but Iíd picked him because he was intelligent and exciting. After we split up I found out he was in a relationship with a man. We soldier on coparenting our children, partly because despite his stuff, he is about the kindest person I know, and has been pretty good to me. (Apart from letting me assume he was heterosexual).

The next man wasnít so good. I fell pregnant after he had disappeared for a bit and come back. Then he told me he had another child who was a year old at the time. It was hell after that. He said he wanted us to be together, but he never wanted to be around. He wouldnít come clean about what was going on, but was very cruel so my anxiety levels were off the wall. Obviously he later claimed he didnít want to be with me because of my many issues, but he actually didnít know that much about my issues as he wasnít around much. I did phone him late at night sometimes when he hadnít shown up for something, and wouldnít answer my texts. But I knew not to do this to crazy levels.

I mustnít go on too much, so two more thingsÖ.. Apart from the exes, I am also good at severing connections with family and friends. This isnít really deliberate. Often I have just felt overwhelmed with things, or not wanted to tell my latest bad news, so Iíve stayed away for a bit and before I know it Iíve not seen or heard from someone for a few years. I also havenít seen my mother for a few years. She stopped phoning me after my second ex experience, and had twisted a few of the events. I stopped phoning then, and despite messages in cards, she will never visit now. I miss her even though she has never been that supportive. I suspect she has ADHD herself, as part of the reason she stayed away was because she couldnít cope with my children around.

The other thing that I didnít know was particularly ADHD till recently is that I feel my emotions acutely. I thought it was just anger, but I also feel intense grief and a real deep lasting sadness about many things. For instance the stuff with the last man happened over 5 years ago but I donít think I will ever get over it and still feel such pain and anger. I also get very flustered if I make boundaries with people and then if there is some kind of argument I always beat myself up about it and this leads to depression. When I think of this personal and emotional side of things I feel I will never have a partner now. What I needed most was a kind, honest, stable man, but now that I know this, I feel I will never find one because a man like that would want a more mainstream bubbly kind of woman.

Any thoughts appreciated on this. I know I need a doctor for a diagnosis, but any glimmers of hope would be useful too
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