I feel like a total failure... (can I vent?)

[selby]

I am 22 and almost have my Associate's degree. I should have had it two years ago. I can't get past this semester. If I put homework aside for even a week, it seems like my courses are ruined and I then know I'm going to fail them. So, I actually have a "Homework Phobia" now. Whenever I look at my textbooks, I get a twinge in my stomach and my heart starts beating fast. It's as if I'm telling myself that I'm too far behind and already missed a chance to make up my work. So I turn around and go play computer games instead.

Also, I take Concerta in the morning and it seems like I can only squeeze a few productive hours out of them. I work in the morning. It seems to be a trade off. I can either work, or do homework at work and then my work is neglected. So I don't have time to do homework because my energy/motivation/concentration reserves are gone after work. When I come home, I'm exhausted and plop on the couch or to bed.

I cannot tell anyone at school about my ADHD because I've had some teachers for a long time and I've given them so many excuses. They will see ADHD as a lie and another dumb excuse.

- I feel too old to go to college now and am scared of being failed out of school. It should be noted that I take online classes. If I ever advance, I'll have to go to school in person. Everyone will be younger than me. I will be very embarassed and more of a failure.

- I resent that some friends of mine do not have jobs and devote all of their time to school, or have a simple part time job. I envy that they came from a family that had money, so that they can afford to not have a job. I've had jobs since age 16 out of financial necessity and schoolwork has always suffered because of them. Many people are able to balance these but I am not. If there's one thing I'm missing, it's balance. I always hyperfocus on ONE thing.

Sorry for venting. Maybe someone else has felt this way, but I doubt it. I just like telling this stuff to the forum :P because I feel really frustrated, like I can't take it. I almost want to cry right now

[ursus]

Selby. Thank you for your post. It's important for me to keep the knowledge that ADD is more than just an annoyance, or personality quirk, well polished and posts like yours do that best. I can really relate to a lot of what you say. I bet a lot of us can. I can find the pages in one of the books that describe this kind of psychic damage as a common symptom for you (ask if you want me to).

Can I say anything useful? Besides "me too"?
* All-or-nothing, negative, "I WILL fail" thinking is something I definitely do. In therapy I learned that it was a "cognitive distortion" and ways to think myself around it which I apply with at least some success.
* The twinge/heartrate deal sounds like panic -- there are ways to deal with that via meds (I think) and therapy (I know). You shouldn't have to just live with it.
* You won't know how your teachers will react until you tell them. Especially if you're up front about having given bogus excuses before because you didn't want to admit the ADHD. (I broke the news to my high-school daughters teachers this spring. I half-way expected them to say "she's a stoner, what do you expect". Instead, at least half of them said "I understand because I'm ADD as well, here's what we can do".)
* Older students - even older than you - often bring a lot to a classroom in terms of commitment and maturity and are VERY welcome more often than not. I was 21 when I made my second attempt at freshman year.

Keep in touch - you're among herd-members.

[Imnapl]

Originally Posted by ursus

Keep in touch - you're among herd-members.

Good one! Selby, I can identify with your whole post and hope you are able to overcome these issues. I faced the same ones decades ago, but it took many years and a diagnosis to realize why I "failed". You're already ahead of the game in my books. Re: being a "mature" student: there are lots of mature students in classrooms these days.

[ben72227]

selby - all I can say is this:

WORRY ABOUT YOU - not about other people's lives or situations and not what other people think, etc.

I'm in university right now - and honestly most people don't even think about stuff as petty as the age of their classmates - that's especially true at more 'urban' universities versus say big state schools with fraternities and NCAA sports teams.

Set a 'homework schedule' - so from say 4-6 in the afternoon you do homework. Get out of the house - away from videogames, television and other distractions. Do your homework outside on your back porch/patio or go to a library or something.

[auntchris]

Originally Posted by ben72227

selby - all I can say is this:

WORRY ABOUT YOU - not about other people's lives or situations and not what other people think, etc.

I'm in university right now - and honestly most people don't even think about stuff as petty as the age of their classmates - that's especially true at more 'urban' universities versus say big state schools with fraternities and NCAA sports teams.

Set a 'homework schedule' - so from say 4-6 in the afternoon you do homework. Get out of the house - away from videogames, television and other distractions. Do your homework outside on your back porch/patio or go to a library or something.

Yes, I agree with ben , dont worry about what others have or do. Stay focused on you and your studies.

Ben, I know some people need the tv. as a white noise. It's noise but not distracting. the complete quiet bothers me and I cant study. I get more distracted.

[butterflyring09]

Originally Posted by selby

- I feel too old to go to college now and am scared of being failed out of school. It should be noted that I take online classes. If I ever advance, I'll have to go to school in person. Everyone will be younger than me. I will be very embarassed and more of a failure.

- I resent that some friends of mine do not have jobs and devote all of their time to school, or have a simple part time job. I envy that they came from a family that had money, so that they can afford to not have a job. I've had jobs since age 16 out of financial necessity and schoolwork has always suffered because of them. Many people are able to balance these but I am not. If there's one thing I'm missing, it's balance. I always hyperfocus on ONE thing.

I understand exactly how you feel. Even though I'm a little younger, (I'm 19 right now turning 20 in two months), my parents always tell me, "You should already be graduating. Why is it taking you so long to finish with school? I went to a community college why I was in high school for about 2 years and then I went to two universities, two years each. So, basically I've been in school for over 4 years and I'm still not finished (;-;

So yeah, I know what you mean. On top of that, I need to work to make sure I have enough money. I spend too much money. And my parents usually don't have enough money for my basic living while I'm in school, so even if I didn't want to work, I really have to take care of myself somehow. And I'd rather work without stressing so much about money (paying bills etc).

I refuse to fail. But I feel like a failure. Life has to give me a push in order for me to do what I NEED to do....

But I would like to have the balance of doing what I NEED to do and what I WANT to do!

I think therapy is probably the answer... Gosh, I wish I didn't miss my therapy session today.. My counselor's probably tired of me (;_; I"m so sad.

[MrBean]

Hello Selby,
First of all I want to let you know that you write very well. This can be an advantage for helping you to become a profesional writer. I understand what you mean by it is overwhelming. I am 24 years old and I still have not gotten my associates degree. I don't care that I am older than some of the students. Just remember you should not be ashamed that it is taking you so long. If you believe in yourself you can make any dreams you have a reality. It might just take you a but longer. I also believe in praying to God to give me strength in order to cope. I also used to be afraid to ask for help from my teachers because I assumed they would think that I am lazy when it was not true. I also recommend trying to make friends with people who might be willing to help you. Think about what you really want to do with your life and make a plan. Have you ever thougth about seeking help from a professional therapist. Thats an option. Whenever you get a chance write me back.

[Imnapl]

Actually, our Canadian news mentioned that enrollment of young people to colleges and universities has really dropped and that there are more mature students then ever in classrooms.

[PatrickH]

The only time when Age became an issue for me, was when I took a summer class with students who were right out of High School. They didnt understand that it wasnt highschool anymore, and overall, the situation was rediculous. The teacher only encouraged their childish behavior.

I've taken about 15 classes at this school, and this was the only one I had major trouble in, as far as other students are concerned. So, most of the time, you'll have people in your class who are your age or older. I would only be wary if it is a class of nothing but recent high school grads.

[Guest1]

your lucky you got to go to college i cant go cause my special diploma so be thankful

[auntchris]

Originally Posted by PatrickH

The only time when Age became an issue for me, was when I took a summer class with students who were right out of High School. They didnt understand that it wasnt highschool anymore, and overall, the situation was rediculous. The teacher only encouraged their childish behavior.

I've taken about 15 classes at this school, and this was the only one I had major trouble in, as far as other students are concerned. So, most of the time, you'll have people in your class who are your age or older. I would only be wary if it is a class of nothing but recent high school grads.

Patrick, wait till you are getting your bachelors. I am in my 40's soon to be 50 and alot of the teacher I have are my age or younger. I thought it would be weird but it isnt. I relate to some of the example they give in class, yes the kids right out of high school know I am older, but that is okay.

I know I feel akward alot of the time because the students that are right out of high school know alot more in a shorter time period. they are learning subjects earlier know in the schools and then there is the technology age, the computer.

you can use all this to your advantage too, think about it. I have no problem asking a teenager for help to explain something, it is like my neice or nephew explaining the concept.

Dont be hard on yourself, my first yr. back to college was hard. One thing that you need to learn to do for yourself is to pay attention to the syllabus and assignments. I have learned that even though I put the assignments in my daily planner from the college, I have to see them all in a monthly layout.

I would suggest getting one of the large desk calendars and putting all your assignments for the month on them for all your classes. you can color code the classes if that helps. I need to get one of those calendars for myself too. Classed just began last week, now the assingmnets will come pouring in. Good Luck.

[auntchris]

Originally Posted by marytza

your lucky you got to go to college i cant go cause my special diploma so be thankful

You can go to colllege, if you put your mind to it.

[bumblebe]

Shelby, I am 30! I didnt go back to school until I was 29 for the exact same reason. So I know what you mean. I have dreams sometimes where I missed an assignment and I am freaking out because I know I wont get an A.

But I know I cant go a week with out doing my home work! Thats just crazy, no one can.
(some really freakishly smart people MAYBE, but even they are not crazy enough to go that long with out doing homework)

Do you need a break from school? Maybe your burnt out and need to do something else for a little bit? Take a breather and come back when you can really appreciate it

Most of the people in my classes are a lot younger than me. But none of them care. I dont either.

Dont be afraid to tell the learning center about your diagnosis. If I were your teacher and you came to me with the news I would think AWE! that explains her struggles.
I would be happy that your are getting the help you need.

[selby]

Thanks for all the replies. I decided I'm moving across the country to go to a pretty good college to get my Bachelor's after I get this Associate's. I think a new environment would do me good, and I would like to live on student loan money. This is a very big/possibly crazy decision, so I'll probably end up working part-time and/or for the school, but I feel that I need to focus on school 100% because I can get a job after that. I'm going to take a drug holiday of a few days up to two weeks (whatever I can tolerate) and then go back on Concerta and see if it works again. I've been dealing with poop-out maybe caused by neurotransmitter depletion? I'm not sure, and it seems like no one else is sure either. I've been feeling depressed for months. If this gets any worse I may go back on an anti-depressant which is something I pray that I won't have to do. I can't afford to go on like this. I really hope my holiday from meds works.

[ocert]

Same happens to me, when I wake up, I have about 2-3 hours of concentration capability. Then Im likely to learn less during the rest of the day than during those 2 hours. It makes you feel bad every time.