what is love
I have been running around ADDF for a while now, this is my first new thread that I am opening (not that its a big deal). I just prefer to solve all my problems myself, have been doing this my whole life, it worked up to this one problem. Johnnny best discribed his feelings on lack of feelings, http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42017 lack of ability to fall in love. and I share those problems exactly the same. I have no ability to fall in/feel love, its a problem that has been bugging me for at least 3 years now, I have once had a girl friend that I started to "fall in love" with, but because I am/was a A-Grade commitment phobe I droped the relationship because it went too well. Now I wanna try again, I wanna see if I can do the relationship thing again, wanna know if I really have gotten over my commitment problem. I have grown a lot since my last gf, and have really learnt the value of loving yourself first, being a whole over the idea of looking for my "other half". I am rather well off with most of my issues in my life srted out.
So here I am today with a girl that I have been seeing for a while. I have been keeping things as unofficial for a while, but everone that knows that we have something going on say that we must "go out". I know it sounds stupid, but share this thought; the reason of dating is to get engaged to get married. So if your dating someone, your learning if they the one you wanna marry. My parents got divorced when I was 8 and there has been a lot of fighting going on since, which I always seem to be involved with in some way orther, mostly calming fires though. So I am very very very (emphasise one million times over) scared of getting into the wrong relationship. this girl I am seeing is a opposite to me in so many ways, she is calm, quiet, logical, great concentration, very non-spontanious, organised, but she also has a very good understanding of ADHD as she is a medical student and her Mom works with ADDers.
So here is my question!
How do I know if I should take this into a relationship/dating phase? I have no "feeling" of love and butterflies and all those romantic things going for me. And I also know from readnig a lot of threads about marrige that love is not a feeling. But then what is it? how do I know I love her or not? I am wondering if I should just drop her and look for a feeling, or if I should stay with someone that at least understands me? Because she is so calm and collective, I am also scared of getting bored of her (I think a very typical ADD problem)
Im uber confused what this whole fuss about love is and wondering if its real at all or just another hollywood myth.
I dont seem to have many people here to talk to as they all seemed to have dissapered or just simply tell me to date her cause thats what they would do. Cant talk to family as they unload on me, I cant unload on them. And any advise that cost money is not an option this time of my life.
Anyone have any advice, help or comments its all welcome.
Love is patient, Love is kind,not to sound cliche but that is the best explanation that I have ever heard on what love is. Holly wood would have us believe that love is something that is always full of passion and that it is always exciting. Dont get me wrong love has that side of it, but there is another side of love too. It is the side that when I fall asleep on the couch watching tv and am shivering, my wife or kids cover me with a blanket, It is my wife laughing at the dumb joke I have told her over a thousand times before, It is choking down a homemade cream soup that tastes aufull but smiling because I knew how much my wife put it to making it and how much it ment to her for me to like it,(it is also relieve when she tastes it and does not like it either, so I take her out to supper). Love like everything else has it ebs and flows, it is not constant. Love is sometimes admitting I am wrong when I truly believe that I am right. Love is being there to help the other person, but also love is about being able to ask for help when you need it and then accepting that help. love is having so much to say that you dont know where to begin, but it is also being comfortable in the silance that we sometimes have with each other. Love is so many things to so many people. the things love is not is being afraid of the other person, will that person hit me, will that person yell at me, and what will that person think if he or she finds that this or that happened. love is not trying to fix the other, but to help build up, love is not just about sex and how compatable you are in that area, its how compatable when you are not in bed, love is not about what you get but what you give. But it is about being able to recieve from the other even when you dont want to recieve.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
L o v e N e v e r F a i l s.
Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8
So yes I do believe in love. I believe in it every time I see an elderly couple holding hands, when ever I see a mother holding her infant, I believe in it everytime I see my kids and how they are turning into great adults. I beleive in it every time I hold my wife and know what she has gone thru for me and still stood by me. most of all I believe in love because take away everything else, thats all we have. I 'm sorry if this sounded preachy but I really hope it helps.
Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
It Doesn't matter what you've heard
impossible is not a word,
its just a reason not to try.
You ask the question about whether or not you believe in love. You say that the girl you are with does not cause you to feel "butterflies". You also ask if that type of love is a hollywood myth. I don't think it is. I think those butterflies start out because of attraction to someone. Do you feel attracted (physically) to this girl? Love is such a hard subject to understand. We all have different definitions of love also.
I can tell you that I have studied love - and have learned the most about love from my own experiences. I have long regretted that we don't teach children about love. To me, love is the most important part of life. Love is not simply romance, it is not just a feeling, it is also an action. Here are a few quotes from Leo Buscaglia about love that have made me think:
Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means.
Love creates an "us", without destroying a "me".
Love is like a mirror. when you love another, you become his mirror and he becomes yours... And reflecting each other's love you see infinity.
We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death.
Love and the self are one and the discovery of either is the realization of both.
Love can only be given, expressed freely. It can't be captured or held, for it is neither there to tie nor to hold.
Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.
To learn to love is to be in constant change. The process is endless, for man's potential to love is infinite.
Man has no choice but to love. For when he does not, he finds his alternatives lie in loneliness, destruction, and despair.
Separateness is an illusion.
Most of us remain strangers to ourselves, hiding who we are, and ask other strangers, hiding who they are, to love us.
Any action that inhibits is not love. Love is only love when it liberates.
The only lasting trauma is the one we suffer without positive change.
It is only when we have experienced love that we truly realize what would be lost by missing it.
Love is constant, it is we who are fickle. Love does guarantee, people betray. Love can always be trusted, people cannot.
All the things that "go without saying" or that are "understood" between two people in love can build up a mountain of miscommunication.
It is when we ask for love less and begin giving it more that the secret of human love is revealed to us.
The life and love we create is the life and love we live.
When it comes to giving love, the opportunities are unlimited, and we are all gifted.
As for your relationship with this girl. Search your heart. What are the qualities about her that you admire? I know you mention dating to find the girl you would like to marry...but what do you believe or understand about this? What do you want out of a marriage? Do you want someone who is always there for you? Do you want someone who you are attracted to physically? Do you want children? Do you want someone who shares your goals and desires for life? Do you want someone with whom you have great communication? Do you want someone who challenges you?
I don't know your culture, and really, can only speak from my culture. I don't believe in unconditional love, because if my love prevents you from reaching your potential, I will step aside.
Love is real. Butterfly feelings are also real - but I am not sure they last forever, or only if they come and go throughout a relationship.
I have a lot more to say about this subject, but unfortunately have to work - so perhaps I will look for this thread later.
My best to you,
i said 4' paragraphs... that was tough.....
this is a ridicously hard question to answer... I think it is because it means different things for different people... I would say something like this...
is she the first person you look for in a crowd? is she the first person you want to tell when something exciting happens? is she the first person you want to tell when something sad happens? When you are away do you think about her? if you are offered tickets, or a trip, or anything else for 2 is she the first person that comes to mind?
I think Love is a lot like friendship, only deeper.
now marrige is a totaly different animal, people can love eachother, but you cant have a marrige on love alone, thats a huge part of it but you also need other things to make it work, like compromise, communication, and honesty... to name a few. so dont base your idea of love on marrige alone because if you dont have the other things worked out you will destroy your love and your marrige.
Thanx all for the replies.
I have read Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8 before a couple of times, Bible is my source of much inspiration. But the thing is I do all the typical love things to everyone. I really do love my neighbour, I do the general love thing very well I think, often to my expense and it does not bug me at all to suffer a bit for someone else. But when it comes to a specific love to one person I am very unsure of how to go by it.
At Heart and Newbie (who I am not so sure is a newbie anymore) made me think about a sort of general "specification" that I need to look at.
I fully understand what newbie means by "is she the first person you look for in a crowd? is she the first person you want to tell when something exciting happens? is she the first person you want to tell when something sad happens? When you are away do you think about her? if you are offered tickets, or a trip, or anything else for 2 is she the first person that comes to mind?" and the girl I am seeing is not that girl.
gonna just end it this weekend, I think its a waste of time to pretend to be involved with someone. The relationship also only started on the physical side - a sort of friends with benifits, which worked well as such, but now the girls is getting too involved and I dont wanna hurt her.
Funny thing is I have quite a few chick friends, but seeing myself with one of them is just not an option. I have actually got a reputation now for being the guy who just wont fall in love. Its funny when my friends ask me when am i gonna get a girl.
The girls I do tend to like (this does not happen often, but it happens) usually dont go for me, or I was too slow to make a move on them. Social anxiety made me slow, I think I am better now and quick on the draw if another special person moves by. I hope.
I am definately after a girl that can keep me challanged and motivated with my dreams. not really phased about the physical looks, but she needs to be able to keep up with me at hikes, scuba diving, sky diving, tri-athlons, camps, 4x4ing trips and what ever other activitie interests me at the time.
really thanx for the replies, it did help a lot. I think I am just more discouraged than anything else, that, or I am getting settled with the idea of being single forever. If I dont get a girl I always have my dreams to live for, and those will keep me company forever.
You are not your parents. As obvious of a statement that might be, I think it might be worth repeating.
On a side note, I swear I could have written so much of what you said! I am totally about solving my problems by myself. I pretty much have one friend I go to for 'advice' even that's a rarity. And holy, the smell of commitment sent me into a panic. I know I deliberately chose relationships that pretty much were dead from the get go.
And wouldn't you know it, the only reoccuring dream I had always revolved around me getting married to the wrong person.
Still not in a relationship, but things have changed. I don't think love is that 'butterflies' feeling, so I personally say that idea needs to go. I think it's a much more steady, even flow feeling.
I knew that I would never get into a relationship until I found peace within myself. That sounds so corny, but it's true. Only until that happened could I ever turn my attention to someone else.
So I think until you can come to terms with your past, ADD and all, you're not in any position to be a good partner to someone else. That's not a bad thing. But it is if you lead this girl on or anyone else into thinking you're someone you're not.
|Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)|
|Thread||Thread Starter||Forum||Replies||Last Post|
|Detaching With Love||Ian||Relationships & Social Issues||93||05-02-13 11:57 PM|
|Love, Lust, or marriage?||pembroke||Chit-Chat||11||07-19-11 06:37 AM|
|Lack of Unconditional Love||Wish||AD/HD and Bipolar in Adults||19||08-10-07 07:49 AM|
|Article I found about "LOVE" pretty good||Grade A||Chit-Chat||0||03-01-07 09:26 AM|
|learning to love yourself||oddjobace||Relationships & Social Issues||4||02-19-07 05:12 PM|