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  #1  
Old 09-26-07, 12:00 PM
randomthoughts randomthoughts is offline
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Emotionless depression

I have a very cold exterior, especially these days, I rarely smile... and even though I'm faced with immense pressure to succeed, constant bombardment of how bad a person I may be from myself and others, on the outside I seem to maintain no reaction... even when I am genuinely surprised by something, I won't even flinch, except for maybe a brief jolt internally (heart rate, adrenaline rush).

On the inside though, I tend to feel alternating feelings of despair and confidence (bipolar maybe, maybe not)... When I go into modes of despair, I can't get anything done, and I typically spend my time thinking about things I did wrong and right , and what I MAY have done wrong and right... and for the stuff that has question marks around it, I bounce back and forth for hours until I end up with the conclusion that I'm a good person after all... the cycle tends to repeat.

I never cry though, even in my worst despair, I never cry...

Also, I am male, and I understand that with men, anger and withdrawel are probably more common symptoms than in women, who prefer to cry and seek social connection... maybe I'm totally wrong about that?
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  #2  
Old 09-26-07, 04:10 PM
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Who gives you the message (constant bombardment) that you are a "bad person"?
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Old 09-26-07, 05:42 PM
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a few old friends... ive had mixed reactions to it... sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes im totally indifferent... sometimes i get really defensive. when im not under that bombardment, sometimes ill hurt myself over it... but then like i said ill bounce back and be ok for several hours
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Old 10-14-07, 04:42 AM
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Re: Emotionless depression

I'm experiencing the same thing right now. I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specific) because I experience Bipolar Depression without the accompanying shifts into Mania or even Hypomania. I'm currently taking Adderall XR which is helpful for remaining functional but the depression is sometimes so intense that the ADHD-esque benefits of Adderall (I can relax and sit still, I can focus on one thought at a time) are put to the use of enabling me to sit, relax, and focus on one despairing thought at a time.

My depressive episodes entail the alternating feelings of despair and confidence that you detail. I'll start my days with the latter, I'll end them with the former. I walk around feeling like I'm in a dream or a movie. I never feel like crying. If you asked my friends to describe my mood they'd probably note that I usually have this completely blank expression - total absence of a smile - but that I otherwise seem to be normal. I can function and I have moments in my day from which I derive pleasure but when they abate, I return to feeling nothing.

And feeling nothing is despairing. There is a difference between despair and sadness. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to feel a little better after a good cry but that would entail the ability to feel sad and then cry.

I once read that this trait is prevalent in Bipolar Disorder. We don't cry.

Fortunately I never feel suicidal. Instead I'll feel like Humbert Humbert in Lolita when he moves his car into the opposite lane on a freeway because he has no hope and he appreciates the absurdity of the other cars that honk and wait until the last second to move over. Or Owen Wilson in the Royal Tenenbaums when he drives the car into the reception and can only say 'I need help' when people stumble out to look at this state of despair.
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Old 10-14-07, 12:48 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

re: #3

Can you elaborate on "i hurt myself over it"?
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Old 10-14-07, 12:56 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

apathy and not wanting to do a thing for periods of time are what I have dubbed as depressive episodes in me, I get manic and mixed and those are both profound in their symptoms and impact but when I am apathetic it is as if I have no feelings and so I call that depression, because of the inactivity.
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Old 10-14-07, 02:57 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

Random thoughts, I've had this 'emotionless depression' for years, although it's never been worded this way. a simple apathy to the world around me. I dont laugh at things I find funny, I dont cry, I try to annalyze my past and see 'where I went wrong', usually sticking on some event I'm not too happy about and make it my fault, even though I was right (yet being right, as we know is useless).
thanks fo finding better words to describe my feelings and I hope you kick yourself out of this depression
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Old 10-16-07, 03:15 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

thanks for the additional replies, kicking myself out of this funk is what will be my ticket to success or failure. I agree with a previous poster that going through life has a dreamlike quality to it... doesn't seem real.
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Old 10-16-07, 04:00 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

re: 3

Can you elaborate on that phrase: "I hurt myself over it", RandomThoughts?

Are you saying that you do things to hurt yourself?
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Old 10-16-07, 04:44 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

After hearing so much negativity regarding me, its hard not to start self talk that reinforces that... and I feel bad anytime I say something bad about someone else because I feel I'm not in any position to do that... and I also feel bad when I compliment myself on something because I feel like I'm full of myself.

However, that said, this seems to happen when I'm not feeling particularly well, and when I am feeling well, I'll get all defiant and prop myself up again... I guess that's why I'm diagnosed with bipolar.
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Old 10-16-07, 04:56 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

So when did you receive a definitive diagnosis of bipolar? May I ask what type?

QueensU has asked you twice what you mean when you say "I hurt myself over it". Are you saying that you indulge in periods of self-derision, are you saying that you engage in self-abusive behaviors; or do you mean something else entirely?
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Old 10-16-07, 07:28 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

It was about a month ago I was first diagnosed, and I will ask my psych what type he was talking about.

As far as hurting myself... yes I sometimes give in to all the derision regarding me and talk down to myself.
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Old 10-29-07, 05:39 PM
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Re: Emotionless depression

randomthoughts - although i haven't *quite* experienced what you've described, it sounds really tough. the vicissitudes of life can be rough even without something like BPD complicating things...

with respect to facing "immense pressure to succeed," this is something that i identify with. your responses have been a little cryptic, so the source of this pressure is still vague to me. if you're around other people who take pleasure in derision aimed at you, then do yourself a favor and seek the company of a different crowd. if you're like me and hold yourself to impossibly high standards, it helps to re-evaluate/redefine your goals and to have objective measures of assessing your progress. if/when you fail to meet a goal, then learn from the experience and keep on going.

i hope things improve!
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