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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 12-28-07, 12:08 AM
GreenEyesDancin GreenEyesDancin is offline
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What happens to our relationship...

... when he gets the impulse to act on a thought or a sexual trigger
(usually involving calling an ex-lover to "catch up", several of whom are still friends with him and have been "friends with benefits" over the years) and then feels the need to cover it with me (lies about it or omits it) because he "didn't think it was important..." or he "forgot about it"... ??

He tends to be a Now or Not Now type of person. I call it Steve Talk and Steve Time. If he says in the Now, "I'll be home soon", and he thinks fifteen minutes, it means he will be along in about two hours. If he says he is NOT going to do something (Not Now), THAT WILL BE THE THING he does do (when it becomes Now) OR... he will do a different thing entirely and declare it is fine to change his mind (Not Now after all).

He does not prescribe to accountability. He just wants to have fun! I am a planner with a fixation on reliability. Go figure, hahahaha!!!

I knew when we got together two years ago that he was a player/swinging bachelor who was searching for a LTR, and I was looking for security in a LTR. We fell into lust and it grew into love. Sex plays a HUGE part of our relationship, for both of us. I just want it to be open and honest. I am a mature woman and I can handle reality if I know the truth. He seems to need to choose a fib over a simple truth when it involves his impulsivity. Then that ****es me off (I can always tell when he's fibbing as he has certain mannerisms he cannot control) so I confront him and then he admits he felt he had to fib.

(He has always been impulsive in sexual relationships and pretends to be true to one gal all the while.) I know this because he let me read his journals.

His need for stimulation is VERY HIGH. Porn is extreme. We practice non-vanilla sex to keep it interesting.

So... am I hoping for too much to want him to be up front with me? I realize he is wired the way he is wired, and he is not going to change. Why is it hard to be honest with someone who is 'for you and not agin you'? I am open to fashioning our relationship in whatever way we BOTH benefit from.
I don't live inside The Box, either, same as him... I want unique and exciting, too...

But I want it to encompass both of us.

Is the fibbing thing a trait of ADHD? I mean no offense, this is a sincere question.

I have almost the opposite focus... be honest with me because a fib is a personal affront to me. I certainly will be honest with you. I am ADD, by the way. He is ADHD.

Anyway, just felt like rambling a bit. I know this lacks a lot of info... and I sort of went all over the place.

I am mostly really happy with my partner. I just wish he could cut the fibbing out.

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Old 12-28-07, 01:58 AM
Crackerjack Crackerjack is offline
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenEyesDancin View Post
So... am I hoping for too much to want him to be up front with me? I realize he is wired the way he is wired, and he is not going to change.
I think you just answered your own question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenEyesDancin View Post
Is the fibbing thing a trait of ADHD?
I don't think it's a trait per se vs the NT'ers I've known.

There's one guy I can think off the top of my head who I used to know who would talk about certain things happening, string someone along for awhile, then say he was joking.

What was funny was that it got to the point where some people stopped believing what he said.

What was even funnier was he actually complained about that.
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Old 12-28-07, 02:10 AM
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Maybe, thinking he's going to get away with the lie provides an extra sense of excitement and doing something wrong. So, therefore taking away his need to lie takes away the excitement factor of it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenEyesDancin View Post
So... am I hoping for too much to want him to be up front with me? I realize he is wired the way he is wired, and he is not going to change. Why is it hard to be honest with someone who is 'for you and not agin you'? I am open to fashioning our relationship in whatever way we BOTH benefit from.
I don't live inside The Box, either, same as him... I want unique and exciting, too...


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Old 12-28-07, 02:14 AM
Crackerjack Crackerjack is offline
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueyeyore View Post
Maybe, thinking he's going to get away with the lie provides an extra sense of excitement and doing something wrong. So, therefore taking away his need to lie takes away the excitement factor of it?
Good point.

I think it adds to his need of stimulation, along the lines of the sex/porn comment Greeneyes made.
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"You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering."

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Old 12-28-07, 02:43 AM
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Quote:
His need for stimulation is VERY HIGH. Porn is extreme. We practice non-vanilla sex to keep it interesting.

Then the lying needs to stop as complete honesty is a must if this relationship is to survive.{IMHO}

No it is NOT an ADD quality but it does seem to be a quality some do possess - the presence of ADD not with standing.






Quote:
I have almost the opposite focus... be honest with me because a fib is a personal affront to me. I certainly will be honest with you. I am ADD, by the way. He is ADHD.
IN the same boat there and I had to give my ADHDer a slight whack between the eyes with a mirror - just so he knew two kan play . . . if ya know what I mean. I never crossed the line but I did let him know the ability was there should I decide to use it - words can mean so little to the ADD mind however a slight demonstration of possibilities does seem to make the necessary impression to engage the hearing and memory Gary heard the message loud and clear and to the best of my knowledge the issue has remain resolved sense - that knocked back to Jr High feeling does it every time unfortunately that is what it took for me to communicate the requirement for honesty.
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Old 12-28-07, 04:22 PM
GreenEyesDancin GreenEyesDancin is offline
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Thanks all of you for your comments and input. I appreciate it!

We have a good, very loving relationship. I am never bored with this man! He has some great qualities that shine over his ADHD behaviors that drive me buggy.

(And I don't think I am a picnic to live with all the time, either, with some of my focuses. But overall, I am accepting of myself and can enjoy life with him, and I can enjoy it without him.)

I am a stickler about being truthful because I have been in relationships where dual lives were practiced. I was single and 'the girlfriend' to a married man at one time. When I met him, he lied to me and said he was divorced with one son who lived with his mother in NY. After six months dating this doctor who swept me off my feet and pursued me with vigor and literally showed me the world (and passed himself off as single), he confesses (while we are in the tub together) that he in fact was married to a pediatrician living in our city and they had three kids. I was in love with this jerk and it was not easy to just let go. I eventually did let go and move on.

But back then, and even now, I knew of several people who were having affairs with co-workers, escorts, best friends-- you name it. And it made me sad that they could not SAY what they need, work it out with their partners, whatever it took. It was easier to have the affair than actually focus on the work required to heal the relationship.

We are the sums of many equations in our backgrounds and lives. We have experiences that shape our personalities. We have been "wired" certain ways in our brains, and while we can learn to handle our lives through awareness and with medication and techniques to assist our successes and quality of life, we still must accept that we have a 'condition' which is challenging. That is Life. It happens in Life.

Sorry, I go all over the place. It is hard to jump in and try to fill in bits and pieces for you-- this is cyberspace, after all, and it takes TIME to build a relationship, LOL!!


Bottom line for me is: I really love Steve. He loves me well. He also loves stimulation and it is a huge part of his life. I like it in smaller doses but on a regular basis, LOL! I choose to live outside the box, so to speak. He has opened up his life to me and shared parts of himself he kept private for many years. He has so many qualities that I admire that I am willing to accept his fibbing issues-- but not without being heard by him. In other words, if he fibs, I will confront. That is just who I am. I want him to eventually understand that I do better with the plain truth. I also want him to understand that I am open to explore whatever he is interested in, or at least know about it. We are both mature adults and it's good for us to learn new things! That strengthens us-- exploring together.

But as 'blueyeyore' pointed out, fibbing may be adding a bit more excitement. And he is an excitement junkie! Loves the endorphins!

Okay, I will close. Thanks again for your insights. I know I offered a sketch rather than a complete picture in my first post. I am just getting my toes wet, thanks for your patience. LOL!

Have a great weekend!

GreenEyesDancin
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Old 05-04-10, 11:14 PM
Carolann63362 Carolann63362 is offline
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Unhappy Re: What happens to our relationship...

I am reallllly hoping you guys can help me....First, before I forget,,lol,,,,is anyone out there that has ADD along with their spouse? Ive been diagnosed with it a few months ago,,,,and seem to be reallly havin a hard time learning how to deal with it....All the info and the Book Im reading sounds like my Auto Biography. I got a few questions if you guys dont mind..Oh first,,,,The Doc has me on Adderall,,and I take Celexa and Prim Pro,,,lol,,,Ohh,,,,and somethin for anxiety attacks,,,Oh ya,,,,Zanex,,,,,,just so ya know what Im takin in case you might know more then I do about the combinations.....I was happy to find out that there was something wrong with me,,,,and Ive been tryin to work on the issues,,,,(by myself) and just reading....Well it sure seems like the more info I get,,,,the more upset I get? My depression is getting alot worse...
I dont know if its from the Adderall or what? I hope not,,,cause this is the fisrt time in my life that Ive been able to organize ANYTHING! LOL,,,,
I married my husband 2 yrs ago,,,and things are veryyy veryy bad right now....He has quite the quick temper and hes stubborn like me,,,,only sometimes I just get so sick of arguing I just give in,,,,It seems that our moral issues are not matching....and the issues are my two top most important things in my life....My kids,,,,and Hypocracy. (Dangit,,I know I spelled that wrong! ) lol.....I can barely focus enough to remember what I wanted to ask....I just need help,,,,pleasee,,,,I dont have anyone else to talk too and I feel like at any min I will just go blank....Its like tons of major issues all at once and my brain is just spinning,,,,,I feel totally confused and almost ready to quit..(not yet though)
My 25 yr old son is mentally ill,,,,he doesnt have insurance,,Im ashamed to say that I never even realized he was different till my new husband started making comments....how was I that blind not to see it?
Well at the beginning of our marriage,,,my son came to stay with us for 7 mos....he didnt do anything at all....didnt work,,,,was the big thing with my hubby,,,,and he was disgusted with the affection my son would give me..then finally my other kids said to me,,,,,I cant believe you didnt notice Chris was different....I must have had blinders on....Well,,,,him not working or being able to keep a job,,,,made my husband (seem) to hate him....He wouldnt say a word to him for at least 6 months....and we lived in the same house together,,,,,WEll I did find out that my son is very sick,,,,not sure with what yet cause I cant get him in to see someone cause of no insurance....But I have talked to my Psychiatrist and my Therapist,,,,,,and took him to a place that denied him cause he didnt have the right disorder((((( Well even when my husband knew how sick my son is,,,even knowing that, he made him move out...and put rules on how often he could come see me,,,,,and he says there is no reason for him to spend the night.....My doctor said that my son probably has the mind and maturity of a 8 yr. old......he has conversations all the time when hes alone.....he WAS according to my husband,,,wayyy to affectionate with me...,,,,never in a bad way,,,,,just wanted to be by me alot and my hubby couldnt stand it,,,,,,he actually told me that he couldnt stand to be in the same room with me and my son....
It has been wearing on me for a year now.....The ONLY thing my son did wrong was not work......he treats my husband with total respect,,,and he constantly trys so hard to win his approval,,,,just like a little boy.....and what is even worse,,,,,my husband loves my other son,,,,,so he treats him like gold,,,,and treats the sick one either like he dont like him or hes invisable...And I can see the hurt on my sons face...
I am beside myself....I never ever thought I would let ANYONE tell me what I can and cant do for my son.....I mean,,,,he is my husband right? Not my boss or my Dad? Dont I have a say so in how much or how often I want to see or help my kids? If this was REALLY my home like my husband says,,,,and he really loved me,,,,,wouldnt you think that he would have more compassion for my son or even act like it for my benifit???? Its like two of the most important people in my life.....I just cant do it anymore,,,,,u cant MAKE someone have compassion.....sighhh,,,,between tryin to learn how to deal with my ADD,,,,which seems to be making my thoughts double and go faster,,,,Do people with ADD seem to be more sensitive? I am goin to my Psych tomorrow,,,,,I dont even have a clue of what to say to him...I am soooo confused and feel like crap,,,,someone tell me please,,,,,am I wrong about helping my son? Is the obvious increase of my thoughts normal for a new ADD'er?
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Old 02-09-11, 12:41 AM
emmasshop emmasshop is offline
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

OMG! I think we have the same boyfriend! LOL WOW!!! I'm dealing with facing what I have suspected for the past year about my b/f. He is a liar, a cheater and a user. He can look me in the eye and lie to me. On top of that, I have a daughter that is involved and he has no concern that what he does affects both of us. I see a clear case of co-dependency. I have loved this man for years. (we dated years ago, broke up and got back together years later after we divorced our spouses). I have not confronted him, I am just letting it boil over and kill me on a daily basis. If I confront him, he will only deny, become angry with me and it will do no good. I am now in a position where I can just about know his every move and I am afraid it is going to be get ugly before we break up. He won't change. He manipulates and has to have women to build up his ego is all I can figure out. I know it is a player, psychopath, etc. I am in so deep but luckily I have not married the fool. He thinks he has fooled me and now I am on to him just don't know how I am going to blow up. I am freaking in shock that he really has done this crap to me. I pray I have no STD, just pray. What a mess of my life. I have to get my meds worked out and get my life together. Having a lot of trouble finding the right combination of meds right now. Good luck. I can't share a man and don't see how you can. I like going outside the box too but I prefer monogomy. Sex between two can be the greatest but honesty makes me tick. Take care!
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Old 02-09-11, 05:06 PM
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Do people just not get how poly relationships work?

Anyways ... ADHD is not an excuse for cheating and lying.

That being said: some people are just not monogamous types. Build a better open relationship, a proper poly relationship (there are books and stuff for that you know!) or find someone who is genuinely cool with monogamy.
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Old 02-09-11, 05:15 PM
Impromptu_DTour Impromptu_DTour is offline
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Its about high time we stopped finding excuses within disorders.

Just because someone has a diagnosis doesnt mean that people should stop using their common sense and logic when dealing with them. Even if they have a diagnosis theres no reason for you to put up with someones ****. No excuse generally means no excuse.

How does having a diagnosis make this type of behavior all of a sudden "ok"?

When did that start?

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find someone who is genuinely cool with monogamy.
Is that OTC at the pharmacy? or can i just pick one up off the shelf?

..refills?

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Old 02-09-11, 05:34 PM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: What happens to our relationship...

Like RHW says... have a look at polyamory.... it doesn't mean that's what you have to do but it does show that there are many many ways to have loving intimate relationships that aren't monogamous.... but what you'll find is that trust and truth are as essential to unconventional relationships as they are to conventional ones.

But.... it is very very hard to unlearn years of cultural conditioning about keeping flings/affairs secret.

also the probability matrix kicks in... If I'm truthful I WILL loose my relationship/marriage/home

if i lie... maybe I can wing it and try not to do it again and everything will be OK.... yeah right

The whole way society looks at fidelity and sexuality pushes us into lying if we fall off the monogamy wagon..... if you want truth then you have to really work very very hard with your partner to push through the jealousy issues and pain from past relationship breakups.... that's the reaon that poly relationships can be alot harder to run than monogamous ones.... there's alot more painful truth flying around!

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