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Old 04-26-08, 08:26 PM
inaliketina inaliketina is offline
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ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

Hi All

I am brand new, just discovered this forum today and immediately signed on after reading a few posts. I can't believe there is actually support information for partners of ADHD'ers that doesn't revolve solely around how to help THEM manage their symptoms (do more! no, do less! do nothing! do it differently!! etc...) and be more loving and supportive and blah blah. And I am more than open to suggestions, but I am also feeling lost and helpless and crazy and have started wondering if it's possible that I've become ADD myself!!

Let me give some more background tho. My boyfriend and I met over a year ago and have pretty much been together most everyday since. This was a novel situation for us both. I'd never felt so instantly "right" with someone. Particularly someone so different from me in temperament, in interests, and family background. We couldn't be more opposite, really.

Little did I know however that he was struggling secretly with a cocaine addiction. He exhibited none of what I thought the usual symptoms were. He didn't initially seem hyperactive or unfocused. We lived apart and spent long hours on the phone and on the computer talking when we weren't together.

Then he moved in with me and strange behaviors began to emerge. I quickly found out he was the biggest slob I'd ever met, and I'm no neatfreak. He was incredibly distractable and would get easily lost wandering even a few blocks away from the apartment. He clung to me like a little kid whenever we went any place he hadn't been before. He would also wander off like a little kid once we got there and I'd have to hunt him down just to find him sitting on the floor cross legged reading a book he found or playing games on his cellphone. (He is 36 years old).

He seemed to lack basic adult commonsense, to the point of potential self-harm. Like wondering aloud to himself if he could jump out of the window of my second story apartment window and still be okay. And then immediately attempting to do so. Or darting into oncoming traffic to hail a taxi. Or piling newspapers on top of a lit stove as soon as he walks in the door (he still does this frequently, he seems to think the stovetop is also a desk).... or my favorite, the time he got bored waiting for popcorn to pop (old school style with frying pan and cooking oil) so he decided to shave at the same time and in between running (literally running) back and forth between the bathroom, the stove and the kitchen sink, upended the entire contents of the hot frying pan on himself and burning himself. All this at 3am.

Then the madness seemed to stop for a while. He was back to being calm and somewhat rational and thoughtful and relationship minded (he had lost total interest in the relationship for a while and talk of getting married one day gave way to let's just keep things cool and casual, i don't believe in marriage, and then suddenly he was back to wanting to make a longterm commitment).

And then one day I noticed he had left his email open and a little evil birdie told me to read it. The bottom fell out of everything. I discovered pages and pages of email replies to people he was looking to "party" with..or asking who knew where he could get so me "white" or where he could find some "snow" etc....

I flipped out and confronted him. It all seemed to make sense that he was a cokehead... cuz cokeheads are speedy and stay up all night and have nonstop energy. I told him it was me or the drugs. He said that it wasn't like that at all that coke was the only thing that he ever found that made him be able to focus and chill out. I didn't believe that at all... it made no sense.

Then somehow while searching for cocaine addiction info I came across some info online about how stimulants affect people with ADHD... how they slow down and relax, and consequently those who are not ADHD tend to abuse these meds recreationally etc....

It turned out he was actually telling the truth, that he WAS off of drugs for the first few months after we first moved in and that he had only recently relapsed. I also started researching more about ADHD. Neither of us knew anything about it.

Doing coke was still a dealbreaker for me tho and he promised not to, but we went thru another month and a half of his hiding his coke use from me, me finding out and giving an ultimatum, then me caving in and taking him back once he vowed never to use again, and then busting him again over and over until finally I broke down and told his ex wife and mother of his 3 kids (another complicated long story) who in turn told his kids that daddy had a drug problem and to pray for him and he was so ashamed by his kids finding out that he FINALLY stopped the coke.

The months since have been a series of intense trials and negotiations of what to do next. Even tho by now he is fairly convinced he has ADHD, he is still not all that motivated to get diagnosed. He has an aversion to doctors and doesn't want to waste money on things that he can handle on his own. It's hard to reason with him because since he's unmedicated and full blown ADHD, he can't be bothered to listen or hear that he's in any way responsible for his own treatment, that his refusal to manage his symptoms affects ME and our relationship... I'm just critical, angry all the time, I must not really love him, I treat him like a child, he needs to be on his own if I'm just going to nag all the time, he just is no good at relationships and should give up, anything but I know this ADHD is causing me serious problems and I need to get help. He says "Okay i'll try some meds but I'm only doing it for you."

We actually did try Concerta for 5 days and it was a night and day difference. I bent over backwards and moved heaven and earth to get my hands on 5 pills (54mg i believe) just because I wanted to know for once and for all if it really WAS ADHD or was he just a childish jerk who didn't care what happened to me or the relationship. 5 days that I miss.

I'm here at this forum because I don't know what to do anymore and I don't know how to handle this on my own. I don't understand how someone can be caring and considerate and loving and commitment oriented on COCAINE of all things, but off substances how he can be so crass and childish and sloppy and reckless to the point that I'm literally afraid to leave him alone in the house overnight because he'll wander away with the stove on, or the iron on burning a hole in the carpet (this has happened).... and burn the apartment down. I don't understand how somebody can say he's happy living in a pig sty and that his forgetfulness and his spending his whole paycheck on impulse while I pay all bills and food and rent with my own money to support both of us is just "how he is." But get some Concerta or Cocaine in him and he's Husband of the Year.

In this last year I've just about given up. I don't try to clean up after him anymore, I just work around the mess and leave my own. I mean, I guess it's not killing me. I finally got him to start paying half the rent and utilities once I laid it out on him on a spread sheet that i was spending 1800 a month of my 2000 a month income while his 2600 a month income went towards child support, online poker, impulse computer and electronic buys and wherever the hell else he manages to spend his entire paycheck on (not me).

So... I think that's enough. I didn't intend to write a book here, especially not for my first post. I guess I just want to finally be heard somewhere. Sorry for the sobstory. But if anybody relates at all I'd love to hear it.

I.
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Old 04-26-08, 09:37 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

you did'nt cause it, you can't control it, and it's not your fault.

.....all mental disorders and addictions aside..is he treating you like you want to be treated?
....or are you picking up his slack, and getting blamed if a ball drops?

that's codependency.

the only thing in this world you can control is you.

....what are you gonna do with you?

you are responsible for your own happiness.

....no one is gonna make you happy, but you.

you deserve happiness.
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Old 04-26-08, 09:51 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

I can relate..
....to the addict.


You wanna see inside his mind?
.....if they are anything like THIS addict.
this is how it looks.....

disclaimer:
this is just my observations...
......it might not be EVERYONE's truth.
but it's the truth as I know it....


love is never "safe".
it's about trust and bonding, intimacy, communication...
....common beliefs, and like behaiviors.

you are exposing your soft under belly, and giving your heart to someone and under the best of circumstances....

....it's very frightening!

look at it this way...

....your BF has a mutant head that you don't know about.. it whispers other ideas in his head, unlike ideas the "real" he would have....

......the more he does..
the more his "true" head will shrink and the NEW demon head will grow...
.........the bad thing is.

you are'nt in love with him..

..you love the addicted him.

so if/when he straitens out... ....he won't be this guy. if he continues to use......he will not be the same.
it's very progressive.

...the more he is the other, the less he is himself
when he comes down.

My advice will be painful to your eyes...

...you'll think..."she does'nt know about us" ..well.

I do.

I have watched relationships disolve in my hands...

....I watched years of me proving my loyalty, honesty, and manogomy shatter in an instant...

..as men I had known...decades ofmy life..that knew me as a kid...begin to really belive I was trying to hurt, humiliate, or deceive them.

when you have been a good woman to a man and he tells you he knows you don't love him, and you are betraying him. it's a very painful betrayal.

I doubt my words can stop you from any thing.

...........no one ever changed another by will...

it only builds resentment.

but...I HOPE I can persuade you not to go that way.

or at least REALLY think long and hard about it.

life is Loooooooong when you make the wrong decision.. wasted my WHOLE LIFE on DRUGS.

.....drugs are all I had...and all I wanted.

I'm qualified to give you the addict's side.....


I would have no painful regret, and
feelings of unaccomplishment and broken dreams, dark, depairing, emptyness, howling, perverted in ways that make you feel...deeply ill...things at your CORE that is YOU is betrayed...your soul hurts when it's worn thin.

you feel ...OWNED.

and whoever loves the addict is also haunted by DARK memories...that you can't get rid of that hurt deeply.

you can waste your life on a drug addict, or a drug.

My crazy metaphorical brain has analyzed that one down to the ground...so i could understand it myself.

suzette (my alter ego) is tied to a chair in the rotten part of my brain

........she's still there, she's out of shape and starved because I have'nt feed her meth in 3 years...

......she does'nt make as much noise as she used to when I first stopped feeding her.

the howling is now whimpering.

......but she is still alive and watching what suzie (me) is doing whating for her chance.

.....During he time i was feeding suzette, in active addiction...suzette ruled.
....and suzie was tied to a chair.
she was paralyzed, and could do nothing but watch and record what was happening...
.....she could'nt even translate the situations as fast as they were coming....
.so she was just "filming"
.....but she was always there. whimpering to be set free again...like suzette is now.

......yes, that person might come back.

but they come back rode hard and put up wet.
.....like the were filming katrina.

and OMG....the footage is devistating, and pretty much makes you wanna go back to drugs
because of the pain you caused, the events you missed...
.......really. it's awful.

if leaves a PTSD type mark on us......
......we saw alot of things good people don't see and it's disturbing.

I'm back.

....but I'm chemically imbalanced.
it's me, but I don't feel as good as I once did. ....because suzette busted in and ate up alot of dopamine
(natural well being)

little by little, the rotten part in my brain shrinks. .....and suzette is more confined...and i feel more like me.

before....suzie was in a crawlspace...with a small window to look out.


.... suzette was like the roar of a tornado and hard to hear "gods suz" over.

but that person is trapped.
.....like a hostage...
while the maniac with the drugs is in charge.


....I'm ADHD and never knew btw.

best wishes to you.
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Old 04-26-08, 10:24 PM
inaliketina inaliketina is offline
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

thank you for this input. it's painful but there is alot of stuff that rings bells for me. he struggles with jekyll and hyde personalities .. not to the point i think he has Multiple Personality Disorder, but becuz he has so many competing desires that seem to manifest themselves as different personalities. IE the part of him that wants to be married to me, versus the him that wants to be an eternal fratboy bachelor, versus the him that is completely dependent upon me like a child, versus the flashes of the responsible grownup, but only when he HAS to be... it's painful to see him at war with himself. and me.

There is so much about him that gives me comfort and joy, but it gets lost in the anxiety and the frustration and the resentment.... Off his "meds" such as they are, I really can deal with him, as exasperating as his forgetfulness and inattentiveness can be.... except that he is inclined to be SO reckless and thoughtless I begin to fear for our lives.

I don't want him to be "cured" I just want to know that I can leave him alone in a house without it burning down. I want to know that he can drive to the store without causing a near fatal car wreck (he's had already one, not to mention dozens of fender benders, hundreds of tickets, he has a suspended license now). Even if he were to get meds, I would have to monitor that too. Because he gets it in his head to crush up and snort energy pills and vitamins and even Excedrin (just to see what happens...)...he would undoubtedly try it with ADHD meds too. And then what??

It seems like it would be so simple... just handle these symptoms to the point he's not going to self-immolate, not spend us out of house and home. So simple and so ridiculously much to ask.

I've thought about walking away many many times. Have tried... but what if... what if???

what if whatif whatifwhatifwhatif....
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Old 04-26-08, 10:28 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

I know..
.....but this is'nt "meds" even if he throws in a few.

it's cocaine.
...a recreational addictive drug, that gives normal people ADHD symptoms.

you know?
........how can you diagnose someone who is'nt present inside themselves?
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Old 04-26-08, 10:31 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

guess what?

you are used to drama.
........you'll have "drama withdrawls" if you simplify your life.
you will think "peace" is "solitude"

......thats codependency baybee....very common.

you know, alanon might be very helpful to you.

......it's alot of people just like you.

I imagaine you have taken on his shame, and guilt as your own.
...that's so sad.

it's not you.
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Old 04-26-08, 10:54 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

*another thing is: true ADHD people CALM DOWN on stimulants.
I'm the only one I ever saw fall asleep in the middle of a speed party.

I'd wake up and speedfreaks would be playing cards on my back.

LOL!
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Old 04-26-08, 11:44 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

*another thing is: true ADHD people CALM DOWN on stimulants.
I'm the only one I ever saw fall asleep in the middle of a speed party.


That's him alright. Which is why it took me so long to believe he had a coke problem, becuz aren't cokeheads speedy?? I knew absolutely nothing about ADHD until a couple of months ago. This is all pretty recent.

Lately the only reason i know he IS clean is becuz he has been speedier than ever. He talks 100mph in normal conversation and literally runs everywhere like a 5 year old boy, even inside the house. Sometimes it's cute... SOMETIMES...

After nearly a year of living together thru so many dramas and lulls, I've gotten to know him well.

Right now we've worked out a pretty stable routine.... he's taken a second job, a night job, that burns off alot of energy and limits his leisure time. Idle hands and all that....

He fits literally every classic symptom of ADHD... stories he and his mom tell me about his childhood. It's the deal, man. But he also has the pesky co-morbidity with the coke addiction (I'm learning the lingo!) that makes this all extremely complicated. And then lacking health insurance, it's a nearly unmanageable situation.

I'm not ready to give up just yet. And he's still around so I guess neither is he. And yes I know i have co-dependency issues up the ****, and i know he's a grownup and not my child.. but all i can think of is.. what if he WAS my child? If he were my son and not my boyfriend would I just wash my hands and go oh well, nice knowin' ya, twasn't meant to be??

I would not.

I'm not a people person and I have no trouble walking, nay, RUNNING away from toxic people (haven't spoken to my family in 15 years), and I know I must have unresolved childhood issues that I'm recreating somehow in weird and unhealthy ways... but something in me tells me it is NOT right to abandon him and this situation. At least not right now. So here I am, still trying to figure all of this out.

All ears. But I do need to hear all perspectives all sides. Thank you again and again.
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Old 04-27-08, 12:13 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

Good luck sweetie,
..I won't grind on you.

but, definately, keep your hand on your wallet.
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Old 04-27-08, 11:47 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

...how's it going today?
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Old 04-28-08, 01:23 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

Hi inaliketina,

I'm the husband of an ADD'er too.

From reading your posts, I'm getting a sense of you feeling as though you should stay with your BF out of obligation?

Also, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. I know all to well how hard it is to get blokes to see a doctor (I'll avoid it too). Men can see going to a doctor as failing to solve a problem. Your BF probably reckons he can manage his ADD by himself and doesn't want to be weak and get help.

It's good that you want to help your BF. But ask yourself why you're really doing it.
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Old 04-28-08, 09:22 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

What good do you get out of this relationship? Do the good things far outweigh the bad? I can attest that it is certainly possible to have a good, long-term relationship with an ADDer. But it can be a living hell of the person in question is in denial, doesn't take responsibility for their actions, or uses it as an excuse to be irresponsible an/or treat their partner badly. Just do some reading of other threads to get a feel for what your life could be like if you continue on your present path.
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Old 04-28-08, 12:45 PM
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I've known some hard core drug users in my day.

*GAK!*

Coke addiction is bad news (and illegal too; can cause problems for you if the Cops find in your home -- _even if it is not yours_).

e.g. I know a Registered Nurse who lost her licence b/c her roommate (brother) had pot in the house. If it is on a person's property, it is considered that they should have known it was THERE.

[US drug sentencing laws are pretty severe, too, as you likely know... So many women are in jail for their partner's drug crimes.]
--

Coke can also eventually cause paranoia and delusions and violence and psychotic states [think paranoid schizophrenia idea].

Question: Why are you staying with this guy?

(I ask this b/c sometimes people who hook up with addicts come from a family bkgrd of dysfunction or substance abuse. It can 'seem normal' to them. Or they are [unknown to themselves] seeking a "do over" [called traumatic re-enactment; an attempt at mastery.)

--

Some cocaine users get into needles [disease] and crime [jail; criminal record] and other BAD stuff [accidents; high risk sexual behaviors [coke boosts libido and compulsivity]; hanging with bikers/other low-lifes to get their drugs].

I just hate to think that innocent people [Read: YOU] can suffer for other people's addictions, that's all.

It's sad that he is 'drowning', but what is the point of you drowning too? At that point, is it "love", or is it "pity"?


Your Man sounds like he has more than garden variety "ADD" going on...


I guess you likely know from your reading that the more co-morbidities people have , the more sick and unlikely to recover they become. This is esp. true when you add something like cocaine addiction [gasoline] to the Fire.

Not choosing to "self-manage" means misery for all.



1. Someone mentioned "Codependency".

It may help to read up on this...

2. NA (narcotics anonymous) is another option... As a spouse, you can go to any "OPEN" (O) meetings.
Sorry if my post ticks you off, but I'm just trying to be real.

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Old 04-28-08, 06:48 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by inaliketina View Post

Right now we've worked out a pretty stable routine.... he's taken a second job, a night job, that burns off alot of energy and limits his leisure time. Idle hands and all that....

He fits literally every classic symptom of ADHD... stories he and his mom tell me about his childhood. It's the deal, man. But he also has the pesky co-morbidity with the coke addiction (I'm learning the lingo!) that makes this all extremely complicated. And then lacking health insurance, it's a nearly unmanageable situation.

I'm not ready to give up just yet. And he's still around so I guess neither is he. And yes I know i have co-dependency issues up the ****, and i know he's a grownup and not my child.. but all i can think of is.. what if he WAS my child? If he were my son and not my boyfriend would I just wash my hands and go oh well, nice knowin' ya, twasn't meant to be??

I would not.

I'm not a people person and I have no trouble walking, nay, RUNNING away from toxic people (haven't spoken to my family in 15 years), and I know I must have unresolved childhood issues that I'm recreating somehow in weird and unhealthy ways... but something in me tells me it is NOT right to abandon him and this situation. At least not right now. So here I am, still trying to figure all of this out.

All ears. But I do need to hear all perspectives all sides. Thank you again and again.
wow you have alot on your plate and be proud of yourself for handling it all.

One word of advice... your happiness is what matters the most above all else and if it gets to a point were you arent able to take care of yourself you should really reconsider your position.

as someone mentioned being caught with substances in the house (coke) has some steep consequences....that goes as well for perscription drugs....The majority of the drugs us ADDers take are considered Controlled Substances Schedule 2...if a person is caught with them without a perscription it is a felony and in some states can lead to 7 years in jail.

I understand your frustration and just trying out the medication to see what would happen...however considering his drug habits mixing with perscriptions can lead to death no joke, nevermind the jail time I mentioned.

And considering what you have mentioned i would say counseling is something to consider...not talking to your family does affect you and is probably part of your dependancy issue you mentioned as well and is acutally a disorder in itself (not to say you have one, that is up to a professional)....solving that issue will probably help you in all aspects of your life and how you handle your relationships for the positive.

If he is stable perhaps going to couples counseling should be considered as well and touch on the ADD thing in time...and yes make sure you watch him if he is ever given stimulant drugs, although with his history I am sure they would perscribe an atypical ADD drug or non-stimulant of some sort.

Good Luck and continue to take care of yourself first
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Old 04-28-08, 07:22 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend and Drug Abuse

I got a question...

where your parents into drugs, or one parent?

the reason I ask is..
......if say, your dad was into booze, and your mom took care, and stayed
with him.

this lifestyle is what you are familliar with, and has become a pattern
your own kids will follow if you have any.

you have to look at it for what it is...

unacceptable.

....you can't save him.

all the kings horses and all the kings men can't save him.

only HE can save himself.

.....and only he, will pick the time to do that.

you either have to accept him as he is.

...or move on.

you can not change him.

.....you can only build resentment.
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