Improving social skills-suggestions?

[shakepurmake]

Typically when I am around with people or just a group of friends I can't really seem to be funny because of how superficial I sound. What I mean is sometimes I just do not seem to be interesting due to the fact that I paraphrase people's joke's and just sound redundant or along with the fact that I just don't sound funny at all when I try to crack a joke.

I end up stuttering sometimes in front of everyone ocassionally as well. Theres one way I can fix this: to keep up with mainstream culture and not fall behind so I have sumthing to talk about with people, but how do I sound interesting when talking with people? Its almost like I have no identity/a unique personality. Even with my adderall xr 20mg to help with my inattentive add it doesn't completely remedy this problem, but does give me confidence.

I still end up depressed when I come to realize how easily and how these people have a unique personality that makes them interesting to talk to each other. One key thing: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY PERSONALITY IS OR WHO EXACTLY I AM.

Don't say that I should meet new friends that are similar to me because I have found them and I know who they are, but its just...how do I socialize properly without sounding so drole and boring....?

[theta]

It might be useful to know if its social-cognitive problems that have impaired your social skills acquisition. That would imply its naturally going to be harder for you to improve social skills. Maybe a few questions would be useful. Like is eye contact natural for you? Or do you have to think about it and your not sure when to make it and for how long?

[speedo]

One thing that can help is to get your adhd treated. Particularly, if you can reduce impulsivity you can begin to develop the habit of pausing to think about what you do and say socially before actiing on the impulse. This makes a BIG difference. This is a big trouble area for ADDer's, if you can make improvements here it is significant.

Now, like theta is suggesting , if you are having trouble with social interraction and are having difficulty with nonverbal communications or just can't seem to figure out what the heck is going on in close relationships you could be dealing with a PDD like Asperger's syndrome or perhaps Nonverbal Learning disorder. In these cases, it is sometimes hard to learn to do the nonverbal communication things that most people do instinctively.

Some people have luck with making a cognitive effort to ijmprove their communications skills. For some people this means learning a little about psychology and learning a bit about why people act the way they do so you have a better chance at interpreting their actions when interracting. It's not always easy , but it works rather well for some people and beats not having a clue as to what is going on by a lot.

Talk with your doctor or therapist if you think you have more going on than just adhd.

Me

[patboul]

Being in a small group or a bigger group make a big difference for me. In bigger group or when there is too much noise around, I tend to isolate myself and not being able to crack that joke or told that funny story. To cope with that, I tend to prefer small group, in place where it is easy to talk and not too noisy.

As to know who you are and what is your personality, I think that it is everybody challenge, ADD or not. I tend to think that you must build your own personality, find what you really want to be. Being an interesting person is not a goal I want to reach anymore. I just try to enjoy every social event I can, without a second thought about what peoples might think about me. Being on meds make those events more relax, easier. I stopped interrupting people conversation, which I think is enough to be a bit more interesting.

[shakepurmake]

Originally Posted by theta

It might be useful to know if its social-cognitive problems that have impaired your social skills acquisition. That would imply its naturally going to be harder for you to improve social skills. Maybe a few questions would be useful. Like is eye contact natural for you? Or do you have to think about it and your not sure when to make it and for how long?

While being aware of my actions on adderall, I realize that I have to look away from the speaker's eye's to understand what he or she wants. I can maintain eye contact, but I won't always be able to comprehend what they want all the time, but only ocassionally.

When I talk with people or when I am with a group of small/big group of people, I feel really tense. I try to control it completely; I try to take several breathes, stand up straight and not appear tense with the shoulders being relaxed. I try to slow down my speech to fully say what is on my mind. To say what is on my mind......this is very very difficiult for me. My tongue cannot keep up with my brain and I end up stuttering, stammering, saying stuff that I do not even want to say, but just to make sense of what I originally planned to say.

Sometimes, I just stop what I am saying mid sentence or mid word because of how stupid I realize it would sound.

Note: I hit my head very hard against the concrete five years ago when I was roller blading at a high speed. Before that, I also hit my head hard against a door and I ended up with a concession and started severely bleeding once I hit my head and this was when I was eight, so its hard to determine if my anxiety, inattentiveness, inability to fully express my self and poor communication skills may be due to the incident. I ended up with a brain tumor after I hit my head, but it was meager.

Right now I am planing to get an mri and talk with a psychiatrist to determine why I stammer so much and have poor social skills.

[MECMR]

Hi shake:

It sounds to me like you are saying you want to participate, and feel like you would enjoy it, but when it comes down to it, you cannot come up with something you feel is the right thing to say at the time. Is that correct?

The mri and talk with a psychiatrist may be very helpful, if only to rule out or confirm something organically based, such as issues from the head injuries you described.

You might also want to look at your background, meaning your social interactions as a child and before your meds. For example, were you consistently "in the background"? Did you often feel awkward, and unable to speak up or participate in group conversations? Did you have a life at home that made you anxious, or prevented you from participating in things many other people did, such as going out with friends, seeing movies, having calm and open conversations? Did you spend a lot of time in situations where your interactions were limited to only certain types of people, like teachers or only your family? You may have developed a pattern of interacting with people, and even with the medications, you are not sure of how to do things differently.

This may seem like an extreme example, but it may help. I work with adults with chronic mental illness. Many of them have memory or concentration issues doe to their illness, and due to years of living in state hospitals. When they go out into the community, even when their meds seem perfectly balanced, they have trouble holding a conversation. Some of it is due to the organic issues: memory loss, symptoms coming through, etc. Some of it is also that they are kind of "lost" because they have spent so much time in hospitals, etc. and only conversing about their symptoms or what was going to be for lunch that day. So, when they were asked a question by a friendly neighbor, they would get nervous and stammer and get flustered and bolt back to the house.

We found that practicing with them really helped a lot. Sometimes it was simple things, like pretending to be at the supermarket, and the kitchen table became the checkout counter. Sometimes it was a lot harder, like practicing how to walk into a job interview, or how to tell the doctor "I know you said this medication would help me, and it does make the voices go away and my anxiety is better. But I cannot stay awake during the day since I started taking it, and I want to try lowering the dose."

One person I worked with had memory issues and had spent a lot of time in hospitals. She was very sociable, but felt like she could not keep up on conversations at work, because people were referring to things she did not remember or had not experienced. We started with movies, and made a list of films that "everyone" had seen. The exercise became to pick one a week, watch it with staff, and talk about it. She then moved on to watch them with her roommates, then trusted friends, and kept practicing.

I think it would be very helpful if you found a cognitive/behavior therapist to speak with about this situation. He or she may be able to help you learn recognition of appropriate social cues, and help you practice ways in which you could respond.

And remember to be kind to yourself. You are trying really hard to move on with your life and learn new things. That is wonderful! It's hard if you feel you are not getting the response you wish for, or if you feel like you are getting looked at funny for your comments. Don't let it discourage you.

Sorry if I am rambling here, let me know if I can clarify anything that I typed!

[gogogo]

It sounds like you are very much stuck inside your own head. Turn that around. The best advice I heard regarding social skills was this: focus on how the other person is feeling.

You'd be surprised how polite, interesting and socially adept others will think you are if you express genuine concern for them. Ask open questions. Make it your goal to find out how and why a person feels the way they do. Make no assumptions. There are no stupid questions and if you think one might be, say, "This may sound silly but...." Openly admit when you don't know something or need clarification. "I don't understand" is nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of because it shows you want to learn. Paraphrase to ensure you understand. Make it your goal to learn from everybody else.

This means being able to open yourself to others but there is no one out there who hasn't felt self-doubt at some point in their life (excluding narcissists, socio- and psychopaths). Humility and compassion are genuinely attractive qualities. Shyness, awkwardness, are signs of arrogance, being self-centered, signs you are thinking only of yourself and your feelings. Think about it: why should you be the centre of attraction?

Do little things to make the other comfortable. Offer to get a drink, offer to find a place to sit. Focus on the other. Notice something unique about them, a piece of clothing, a watch, a style and offer a genuine compliment. Others love to be noticed for their uniqueness.

By approaching in an open ended manner, believing you can learn, believing others have something interesting to share and always wondering "why", you will be able to find a common denominator between you and them. Moreover, others will always find you charming.

[shakepurmake]

Thanks for all of your input everyone. The thing is, I need to discover my own personality. Today at my job meeting, I noticed everyone's remarks. I tried my best to notice how they make these funny, witty, interesting remarks and basically, understand their technique. Without the pills I can't do this, I can't focus and I lose the track of speech; it takes too long to register in my brain(their words).

I can easily understand if sumone looks absolutely clueless, as if a deer in headlights, and I can read visual cues perfectly; I can understand if someone is trying to lie to me, gyp me, what they are feeling without actually saying it, but just through their actions. Reading visual cues from the opposing sex is not hard, I can tell if a girl is really into me or not sometimes, but its just the fact is, I need to discover my personality and discover how I am supposed to truly socialize. Sure, I am a nice guy n all and I try to constantly ask questions about the other person unless my anxiety begins to annoy me, causing me to be clueless( adderall doesn't really help me with this, but just helps me keep my cool).

Being a nice guy or aka, being a shy guy who appears nice- too easy. Girls do not want this, I am not closer to my friends because of how uninteresting I might seem. SUre I am close, but that is because of how I just talk about simple minded, ordinary things. EVen at that point I still struggle socially.

I need a way to become interesting, and 'break out of my shell' as I am trying right now. Witty remarks- I don't understand how in the world people do this....I can't establish a funny connection with what is mentioned.

[theta]

Originally Posted by shakepurmake

When I talk with people or when I am with a group of small/big group of people, I feel really tense. I try to control it completely; I try to take several breathes, stand up straight and not appear tense with the shoulders being relaxed.

Reminds me of mild panic I have felt in the past. My biggest concern was not letting people see me panic so to hide uncontroled breathing I might hold my breath. I'm aware of posture to social situations as I have poor posture(likely related to dyspraxia in my case.)

Regardless of how or why anxiety is a likely a compentent in your problems. Past failed social encounters can lead to anxiety in new situations. Thats part of where social cogntive problems can play a big role. The old "face your fear and it will go away" or "systematic desensitization" really depends on the fear being competely illogical if your really having probelms in social situations just putting yourself in more situations has about the same chance of making you more anxious as it does less.

Stammering/Stuttering makes me think neurological disorders that maybe aggravated by anxiety and stress.

Risperidone for the treatment of stuttering.

Risperidone has a lot side effect though.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risperidone

Working memory involvement in stuttering: exploring the evidence and research implications.

Thats interesting that study is looking into working memory and stuttering.

Anxiety in speakers who persist and recover from stuttering.

That suggest anxiety makes recovering from stuttering more difficult. That can be good news to as treating anxiety maybe easier than treating stuttering.

[civicmon]

This is going to seem like an odd statement, but I highly recommend you look into "Real Social Dynamics" http://www.realsocialdynamics.com/

Long story short: It's put on by some guys who coach men on how to meet women.

BUT.. I've found it's very applicable in many social and business situations, opposite sex or not.

The root of your problem is confidence, or lack there of. The RSD objective is to take away the confidence-related problems associated with meeting women, that is, viewing women as something unobtainable and how to use who you are to your advantage.

I've found that a lot of material covered in their videos can make a tremendous difference in any social situation. I'm really impressed by their work.

These videos aren't cheap but there are tons of books about meeting women and confidence related to it. You may think I'm missing the point but I'm really not. The fact is that you don't trust yourself, or know yourself well enough to be yourself to others. If you can master talking to women, you're as good as gold. You can handle ANYTHING.

Anyone who's internet savvy can find these videos on assorted websites. My friend has watched them and they've changed his life. It's not the videos, it's the fact that he took what he read and saw and put it into real-world usage.

I'm pretty good in social situations, it's not easy but you need to break down the mental barriers that make you feel you're inadequate. These guys address that at length.

*I really don't work for them. I do believe in what their videos do and how they view social interactions to get whatever it is out of a situation.