Please help!!! Contradictory behavior, negativity, argumentatism!

[ChanelCinq]

God I wish I was still a smoker. First time I have had that thought for a couple years. My yoga breathing just does not cut it for this one. No worries. I am not going to return to the butt.

OK folks this may be a long one. Please try to read it, I really need help. I’ll try to get through it as quick as possible without going off on tangents. I guess tangents are more acceptable in the ADHD forum.

By the way, I use ADHD and ADD interchangeably.

Brief history: In 2004 I found myself another statistic. I was yet another Bay Area dot com-er with a severance package. What was my solution? To travel around the world looking for myself for 18 months.

So 18 months after adventures in Africa and Asia I found myself back at home with my parents trying to figure out the next step. My life quickly turned down hill. I did not know what type of work I wanted to pursue therefore every interview went down hill. I ended up going back to work for a boss I worked for while in college. A dead end low paying job.

My friends said I had changed and they were not interested in the new Jennell. One by one my friends alienated me or I alienated my friends.

The next thing I new I was a 35 year old at a dead end job, living with her parents, and had no friends. I was the only one at work with a BA and had the lowest paying position. I started getting more and more depressed and mom said I had to go see a shrink.

3 shrinks later and even more frustrated and depressed I decided to track down a shrink my parents sent me to when I was in high school. She had moved from SF to Boston. After 15 minutes with her on the phone she said she thought I had ADD. She pieced together adolescent misbehavior and the fact I had just traveled the globe solo. She suggested that I read “Driven to Distraction” and if it sounds familiar to seek an ADHD doctor.

Hint: I remember my mom being all over the part of “Driven to Distraction” that mentioned contradiction. That and anytime it mentioned messy personal space my mom was all over it. My mom would diagnosis me with ADD solely on a messy room and argumentative behavior. Although there were many other clues. Like in kindergarten it took me 3 weeks to do valentines. How long did it take my younger sister? Well it took her one short afternoon. My mom thought, oh this is how it is supposed to be.

Current situation: OK so you get the point. I was diagnosed with ADD. Currently I am still living at home, I moved up a couple notches at the dead end job, I started back at school taking prereqs for a Masters program that I will apply to this fall, I am taking anti depressants (Paxil) and ADD meds (Vyvanse), and I still have no friends.

To be honest I think I am throwing myself into this Masters to make up for the fact I have no friends to pass the time. However my clients, fellow students, and people I meet have no idea that I have absolutely no social life. I am very personable, good natured, attractive, etc.

The scenario that caused me to post this: Well it is a story about my sister and I. My parents were having a dinner party and a few out of town couples were spending the night. Unlike the kids kicking the parents out to have a party. The parents kicked the (adult) kid out so they could have a party. My parents asked me to stay with sister for a night.

It turns out my sisters husband and their baby were going to Tahoe to visit grandpa so my sis and I would have the house to ourselves.

Let me tell you about my sis: She is extremely lovable. Everyone adores her; she is always willing to help out. She has a very good heart and is a really good person.

I called my sis early, early this morning to say I will be at work all day, then I was going to yoga and I would be at her house at 7 ish.

So work was even more insane than normal. We had a newish guy that decided to just not show up today? Where do these people get their work ethic?

Anyway my sis called me at 3:30PM demanding why I have not called her. “Sorry sis,” I said, “I just got off work.” Sis said “Why didn’t you call me on a break.” “What break,” I sighed.

She then proceeded to tell me that her husband and herself just bought a 2009 Honda Fit the day before. All I can think about is how I constantly hear from her husband how in debt they are. Since I came back from my travels in 2005 all I hear is how poor they are, how much they owe.

A deer crossed my path back in January. Brother in law asked how I am doing. I mention well it could be better as I have a few thousand USD damage due to a deer. He goes on and on how I should wait until I have a mortgage and a kid with day care then I should come talk to him. Dude, this is not about you. Not everything is about your debt.

The brother in law is always rambling about how poor him and my sister are. Dude you own a fricken houseboat in Sausalito, you have a brand new (very small, really, but yes brand new) 1.2 million house in Los Gatos. You own a Prius, a Porsche, and as of yesterday a 2009 Honda Fit. He has is own business plus he has a part time job.

OK I am sure I have lost many of you by now. Ever had a hard time organizing thoughts? Sound familiar? Find yourself rambling?

By the way I don’t feel sorry for myself with my job. As much as I dis it, it does have it qualities. And if I did not have clients I probably would have left long ago.

I don’t feel sorry for myself for not having friends either. I am on a fast pace to finishing pre-reqs and I am not putting myself out there. It would be nice to have some friends. For example I could talk to them about this stuff rather than post to strangers. I know I’ll have friends again just not looking right now while I work full time and go to school full time.

Back to the story: So I interrupt my sister to confirm that I heard correctly. Hey sis, my Honda del sol gets 34 mpg, you don’t have to sell the 4 Runner to get better than 15 mpg. There was no reasoning with her. Buying the brand spanking new 2009 Honda Fit was the only answer to their 800 USD per month gas bill. Nope she cuts me of again. I would not understand. I live with mommy and daddy and I have no worries.

Side note: Heck I have to justify some things here. Once I started school full time I decided to continue living with mom and dad to get ALL my debt paid off before I start the masters program.

OK folks I am not going to bore ya. Basically it was a sister spat. The conversation continued after yoga while I was on my way to her house. It continued in the house. She kept bringing up that I lived with mommy and daddy. I reminded her that I lived on my own several times and the longest was 5 years while at the dot com. I had to remind her that she never ever lived on her own. She was never really independent. She went from mom and dads to college, to mom and dad’s to her boyfriends (now hubby). That he already owned a house when they met and she was never on her own.

Anyway I’ll spare ya the details because I am starting to bore myself now.

Sis decides she does not want to argue and takes the 2009 Honda Fit and leaves me in her house. Hence that is when I started this post. 90 minutes later I get a voice mail from mom in the middle of her party. “Gees-us what on earth did you do now. You really screwed up this time. You drove your sister out of her own house.” My mom left me this lovely little message.

Her message threw me off the handle. What on earth did I do, I was thinking. Oops I screwed up again. Always screwing up. It is always my fault. Hear my side of the story? Heck don’t think it would matter as my sis said I am so negative, no wonder I have no friends.

Sis made sure she said 4 times tonight how it is no wonder I don’t have any friends.

How on earth did a story about a car spiral so out of hand?

Why do I feel so damn misunderstood? Why do my mother and my sister always say how negative I am. I don’t think I am negative. Mom don’t you remember “Driven to Distraction” and how it discussed opposition. Opposition is not negativity. I am argumentative and oppositional but my mom and sister translate those as negativity. They think they understand me but they don’t.

How do I help them understand?

By the way does any one know any really good therapists from Los Altos to Burlingame?

Sorry for the rant.

[meadd823]

Some times we have a hard time telling when it is time to just smile and nod - {when on phone say congrats}

The problem I gather by reading your post alone is one of boundary issues - ADDer have problems with boundaries any way because to most of us things are either in day tight compartment or every thing is connected to every thing else.

To give you an example Had my sister and I got into a fight especially if it were in her house my sister would not be thei one leaving - I really do not see her kicking me out over a Honda discussion either - she would simply tell me the discussion is over and end it - my sister and I are like you and your sister we are grown.

The next clue here is wtf is your mother doing getting in the middle of it - when we get is arguments my mom probably gets to hear all sides every once in a while now that she is older she may make a comment but then she stops herself and states this is none of my business I really do not want to get in the middle of it - In my family my mother has healthy boundaries arguments between us siblings is just than between siblings - if my mom were in the middle of a chosen activity doubtful she would stop said activity and call me up to bit** me out - she would tell the complaining off spring "I am in the middle of "x" activity I will be more than happy to discuss this with you tomorrow" if that didn't work it would be a redoubled " Go home and deal with your sister your sister. I do not want any part of it"

My mother cares but her place is not in the middle of an argument between me and my siblings - we are adults we get to deal with it in what ever manner we so choose.

Because this is the woman who reared you I am willing to bet personal boundaries may also be an issue with you too hence not knowing when to let your sister and her husband deal with their own finical problems - If you try to bring it up as a means of helping but your sister rebuffs you then it is time to back off and let her deal with her own finical problems. If you do not want to hear your brother in law complain about their bills redirect the discussion to another subject {an ADDer natural talent any way} or leave if he is unwilling to. . . .

Emotional Enmeshment is my guess here as you became older your girl friends became more aware of their boundaries and expected you to have the same knowledge - the beauty and the curse of boundaries is they can be learned at any time during your life. Many times NTer are able to pick them up on their own however our parents influence has a decent impact upon this ability . . . . between your mother obviously lacking in this ability herself and your ADD you probably simply need to learn about healthy personal boundaries .


some links you may find helpful

Setting Personal Boundaries:
A Primer for Healthier Relationships

The above was written specifically for ADDer is it is the over all abridge version good out line formation . . ..


Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

This one is a little more detailed but is still good information.

I hope this helps

[curseandablessi]

((((Big Hugs))) Sorry everything spiralled out of control.

1. To put it nicely, that foot in mouth syndrome, again.

2. Meddling mom (I've got one of those!! Plus she forgets to NOT tell my brother things I tell her in confidence-okay she's like 75 YO, she doesn't even remember she's still on a joint (farm) account with me and my hubby, so now if it's something I don't want the world to know I don't tell her)

3. The economy is bad, lot's of people are on edge about finances, mortgages, gas, the cost of everything, whether they have $$ or not.

4. Is this your "little sister" the "baby" of the family?? We are quite used to being taken care of, and we do like it, we just don't want to be reminded of it. Plus there is always that little bit of sibling rivalry no matter how much you love them.

5. Yes, I know how you feel about people not needing to go out and get a new car payment in order to save gas. (We got two mercury versions of the ford escort a 98 and a 99 last year, we each get from 30-35 mpg for our $3000 for both cash investment + low auto taxes and insurance. Still sometimes those shiny new models look so-o-o-o pretty, until I think of the $300-$400 payments each month, something we're not willing to do. Heck my dream car is an red el camino or a subaru "brat" anyone remember those??)

Now time to make amends (gotta love my hubby's AA way of life). I'm sure you didn't mean to upset your sister. That's a good place to start. Make amends, Take her out to lunch/brunch, and a nice glass of wine-if you drink. Just don't let it fester.

[ChanelCinq]

Thanks meadd823 and curseandablessi for your info and insight. I think when I first started the post I wanted info pertaining to contradictory behavior and ADD. Unfortunately I went way off into personal issues so if was difficult to tell what I wanted.

I spoke to my uncle this morning. This is my mom’s brother. He is a good listener but does not try to meddle (mom take notes). He was letting me talk it out.

My biggest issue was not at all with my sister and the argument. Heck it would not be the first time and it will not be the last time we get in an argument.

My issue is with my mom and how she automatically thinks everything is my fault before hearing my side. Now I don’t want to make my mom out to be the bad guy because she also has a really big heart. And I am so grateful that my parents let me live with them not demanding anything while I pay off my debt and go to school. Their only requirement is that I keep my room clean. My retired dad cleans the rest of the house.

I realize that me living at their house is probably adding extra stress and I know sometimes my mom is embarrassed to say her friends that her 37 year old daughter is still living at home. I over hear her on the phone saying I was diagnosed with major ADD. Not minor ADD but major ADD. Don’t know where she got that one.

I am kind of typing out loud (talking out loud) right now.

I think part of it is that my parents were so used to me screwing up while growing up. They were also so used to my sister never screwing up. While at 14 I would get caught sneaking out of the house going up to San Francisco and going to a night club. At 14 my sister was still having slumber parties.

We all know not that it was the ADD. The living on the edge and testing the waters aspect.

My mom was my biggest fan when I was diagnosed 2 years ago. And I never like to “blame” anything on the ADD. That is anything I currently do. I mean after I stick my foot in my mouth with a client I laugh and blame the ADD. But I don’t ever use it as an excuse. All of us in the world are so different and everyone has something that keeps him or her back in life in some way or another.

So let me try to get to the point because as we all know in this forum we can get off subject.

So my biggest pet peeve with this whole thing is my sister saying over and over “no wonder you have no friends, you are always so negative.” It is almost like she is echoing my mom. My mom often brings up how negative I am when she is angry.

The other major issue was that my mom assumed everything was my fault. Had not even heard my side but it was all my fault.

My uncle’s point was that when 2 people are in an argument they often say the other is negative. But my mom does it often. My uncle did reassure me that he thinks I am very much an optimistic. He does not see me as negative.

I don’t think my mom realizes that when she says this over and over it hurts.

I remember a few years ago I had a friend that would always call me a narcissist. She was actually the last friend in our group of friends and I had to end our friendship 2.5 years ago. Our friendship was too much of a struggle. It was too much work and not enough rewards for either of us.

Anyway she would call me a narcissist. Now that I think about it probably when she was angry with me. But I tried so hard too not be a narcissist. However no one else called me a narcissist. People said I could be selfish at times but no one went to the extreme of using the word narcissist.

People don’ realize how simple words can be so hurtful. You hear something enough and you start thinking it is true. Does my mom really think I am that negative? I have never heard my dad call me negative.

OK I guess I am done with rant # 2.

Thanks for listening.

[mADD mike]

Some people think that anyone that doesn't automatically agree with them is negative. If you see something differently, and say it out loud, then they see it as a personal attack against them and everything they stand for. I've seen it in my own life. I've had people shy away from me (I have no friends either) because I won't just go along with whatever someone else says or wants to do if it is doesn't make sense to me. If I mention that I don't agree, even qualifying statements and being tactful so as to not hurt anyone's feelings, they get their feelings hurt and accuse me of intentions that I never had.

How can you make them understand? You probably can't. Anything you say will be taken as an attack and they'll quit listening right then and there. We are ADDers living in a non-ADD world. That being said, if you want to be heard better, you will have to learn to just smile and nod in agreement and not speak your mind. People want someone to listen and agree with them. Plus, everyone today in our politically correct society is so fragile that if anyone says anything contradictory, they have a meltdown and can't handle it. I've had people accuse me of yelling at them when we were just having a basic conversation that I felt passionate about.

Basically, people have to want to see something and see it for themselves. Your sister, parents, etc. will only see where you are coming from if they truly want to and aren't so wrapped up in their own thoughts on matters that they can't see any other side.

Wow, that kind of came off negative. However, that is the sum of my experiences with most other people. If you want them to understand you, you have to be like them. They won't, and can't, be like you. Dr. Hallowell describes us as thinking 3 dimensionally in a 2 dimensional world. So then, it would reason that a 2 dimensional person can't see what we see. We would therefore have to stoop to their level of thinking to really be understood.

[meadd823]

Thanks meadd823 and curseandablessi for your info and insight. I think when I first started the post I wanted info pertaining to contradictory behavior and ADD. Unfortunately I went way off into personal issues so if was difficult to tell what I wanted.

I answered the question above as best I could Apparently it is either not what you wanted{too long, too detailed , ect} or I inadequacy communicated the point , more than likely a little bit of both.

[curseandablessi]

Yep, I know all about that "she's the screw up in the family" thing. And the getting sidetracked thing. Sometimes the typing your thoughts out loud helps to get them a little better organized.

BTW I hate taking the blame for stuff I didn't do, too. I get angry and defensive and want to attack back. I know it's a bad part of my personality, I get impulsive and attack someone back verbally. (I hate taking the blame when I do something wrong, but I suck it up and do it.)