Another "Wow, I actually do have ADD" thread

[sifl]

I'm 20 years old and I've been battling depression since about 8th grade. I was always above average on my reading levels and enjoyed reading, which I consider the best one can do for intelligence. I read all of the time in elementary school. About 5th grade, my mother bought a computer. I was hooked. I was on it constantly, playing games, learning how to do neat things with it, like coding websites. I had wanted to be a computer programmer for a long time, then decided that it would be incredibly boring. I still stayed on the computers, though, just playing games and talking on the internet and doing stuff I found interesting. This didn't do well for my weight, as I would choose the computer over social interaction and games, etc. I started to get chubby.

I don't know how other people's experiences were in junior high (mine was 7th - 9th grade), but mine were terrible. I used to be one of the most popular kids in elementary. I had the cutest little girlfriend in the school. All of the elementary schools in the town converged into 2 junior highs and in 7th grade, I found that I had no friends.

Lemme take a break here because I just realized I'm going off on what I thought was the cause of my depression, but only a small factor. There is a point to this story, I just have a lot of thoughts running through my head and I need to type them down . Hyperfocus for a minute with me.

So I became more withdrawn. I started reading even more. I found a love for movies, and began to severely dislike social situations. I became nervous around people. Old friends would say "Hi" to me in passing, and I wouldn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. This gave me an image of stuck up. This caused even less social interaction. I began to enjoy my time alone. No one bothered me while I was in my room. I could do whatever. I didn't have to worry about someone talking to me. I didn't have to worry about coming up with a response. I didn't have to worry about anything but my thoughts. While this allowed for some great speculation and philophisizing about life, my joy of being alone was so great that I wouldn't sleep because every minute of the night was another minute I could enjoy being soliditary. I started having insomnia. Bad.

I went through high school like this. I got a few jobs, but couldn't take dealing with the people. It wasn't that I didn't like people, I just didn't like how stupid I became in social interactions, when I was so educated and smart when I was by myself. One job at McDonald's was horrible. I was only 15 and I couldn't work the cash register because I would forget which button was for which and constantly make mistakes and people in the line would get mad at me, and then the manager/owner would get mad at me and I would get frustrated at myself for not being able to complete such a simple task. I would get put at the fry station. I actually began to enjoy the fry station. There were just a few things to follow, and it was very methodical, so I excelled. Another job was at the rollerskating rink. I wanted to work there because I loved skating with my friends when I was younger and it reminded me of good times. I had to work concessions at first because all of the skate guard positions were filled. Skate guard was the ultimate goal of anyone who worked at the skating rink. You simply skated around, changed the music, took music requests and helped little kids when they fell down. I thought it was perfect. So, I was extremely patient in the concessions. Then a skateguard quit. Someone was working there longer at the concessions than me, so they got the position. I waited longer. Finally my turn came and I worked it for a week or so. Such a simple job was horrible for me. I would forget when to switch the music because I would be pondering random thoughts while skating. Children would be running into walls, other skaters, all around me. I wouldn't even notice. This made the manager mad. I tried to do better, and I would do better, but not good enough for the manager. She stuck me back at the concessions. This frustrated me to no end. I began to methodically clean everything... eight hours a day. All of the other workers would be standing around, as I worked. The manager did notice, and she commended me, but I didn't get the skate guard position, I just got stuck back in the back room to repair skates, which actually turned out to be enjoyable. No one bothered me. I could sit there, fixing skates, doing whatever, all while thinking about life. Then one day a new person got hired and I still wanted to skate guard, but they started as skate guard. I finally had enough after about a year and just left right in the middle of my shift. I still feel bad about it.

I began to drink in 12th grade, and I loved the way alcohol cured me of whatever the hell was wrong with me. I had dreams of being an actor at this time, so I ended up moving to California, which intensified my newfound drinking habit, because my aunt and uncle, who I was living with at the time, considered it was okay for underage people to drink, as long as they did it in moderation. I ended up getting so drunk one morning that I drove all the way from Stockton (Northern California, about 40 miles away from Sacramento) on HWY 5 to Coalinga. This was about halfway to Los Angeles. I didn't even get pulled over. I ran out of gas. A cop stopped to help me and then ended up throwing me in the slammer. I got a DUI, blew a .18 [mind you, after about 4-5 hours of not drinking (he breathalyzed me at the station, about an hour away)]. I drank a little bit after that, but after the punishment of a suspended license for a year and around $1500 in fines, I had much to think about. And I had alone time, so I thought about it. I made a very good effort to stop drinking and succeeded. Now, I can get 1 beer down and I start to feel bad about myself and stop.

I moved back to Wyoming (my home state) and transferred to the junior college here. I failed almost all of my classes the first year. They were all easy to me, but I would sit there playing guitar hero 3 on my phone the entire time, or diner dash. The teachers bored me so much that a stupid 40kb game on my phone was more entertaining. I guess it was just easier to think when I zoned out the voices around me. Didn't do much for my grades, however.

My insomnia got worse. I was put on Ambien for this and Effexor for my depression. I even tried Concerta a long time ago because my doc thought I might have adult ADD. I thought it was possible, but a long shot. The Concerta just made me intensely freak out on everyone around me and if something, anything, went wrong throughout the day I would breakdown. I tried it for a week and had around 4 major crying breakdowns. Through this experience, I figured I must not have ADD.

I spent tons and tons of times thinking about this. Why could I not do simple things? Everyone else seemed able to go about their life and not worry about the stuff that I did. They seemed to be able to complete tasks, have fun, not worry about silly things, and be able to respond when spoken to. I'm a little bit arrogant and have something of a superiority complex at times (I try to be as truthful with myself as possible). This, coupled with the fact that I read so much and thought so much about things, I knew myself to be smarter than the average joe. So why was the average joe better at doing trivial things than me? Even when I tried my hardest to do them. I could rarely sleep, and the Effexor didn't do much to make me a happier person, it just regulated my random swings of severe sadness about myself.

I went to the doctor last week. We talked about how things were going and she once again asked about adult ADD. I said yeah, I'll try something different if I could. She gave me 70mg of Vyvanse. I took it the next morning, not thinking much would happen. Suddenly, I started freaking out, in a good way. Turns out 70mg was way too much to start me off on, but I like my doctor and she was just trying to help. I didn't have much side effects the first day, other than rapid speech and being outgoing and getting all of my homework done a week before it was due. I didn't know it was such a high dose, so the next morning I took another capsule. I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep the night before. Near the end of the day my back teeth, one on my left especially, reminded me of when I was a little kid because it felt loose and about to fall out. I was grinding my teeth that much. The back of my neck was so sore, yet I couldn't stop clenching my jaw. I would concentrate on not doing it, yet a few moments later find myself clenching it because of the pain of my teeth. That night, I took an ambien around 8 pm and laid down to bed for a couple of hours. I didn't move. That was a first for me. I could only lay in bed for about 10 minutes if I wasn't sleepy, then I'd have to get up and do something. Despite it keeping me up, it also helped me go to sleep because I laid there long enough and practiced breathing techniques for more than a few minutes for the first time in my life. The next morning I only took half a dose and felt like crap the entire day. I didn't want to do anything. At all. That day was the day I discovered these forums and the advice on Vyvanse and everything else. I took the advise and this morning had a high protein breakfast, along with 4/5 of a dose.

Things are going good so far. I had a great time working. I work as a medical transcriptionist, which just involves typing what the doctor says and then uploading the document. It pays extremely well, but I never had the focus to sit down for more than an hour doing it. I did this morning. And I felt great afterwards. I've now decided to go off of my depression medication and my sleeping medication. I think I might switch to one of the shorter acting medicines. I don't really need this effect all day, just long enough to be focused so I can get what I need to done, therefore feeling good about myself. I can now concentrate on stuff I found boring before, and follow it through to the end. Then I can go play my guitar and sing. I also sing much better now because I can focus more on my singing and not so much on the guitar part.

Sorry this was so long. I almost got bored writing it. Before it would've been a few sentences (if I even bothered to sign up). "I was depressed. Blah."

Tell me what you think, if you're able to get through it all!

[made_of_sequins]

Good for you for finding something that works for you! Best of luck; I think you'll start to feel like you've got a whole new life now.

[busygoddess]

I commend you for quitting drinking & for being willing to do something to better your life (it's amazing how many people won't put in the effort). I'm glad you were able to find something that seems to be helping. My daughter is on Vyvanse, too. It's done wonders for her concentration.

[sifl]

Originally Posted by busygoddess

I commend you for quitting drinking & for being willing to do something to better your life (it's amazing how many people won't put in the effort). I'm glad you were able to find something that seems to be helping. My daughter is on Vyvanse, too. It's done wonders for her concentration.

Looking back on my post, I commend you for having the patience to read all of that.

Alcohol is a tricky substance, but besides the bad things that have come from it, the experience I got from dealing with it has given me a newfound respect for life (and my driver's license).

[busygoddess]

Originally Posted by sifl

Looking back on my post, I commend you for having the patience to read all of that.

Alcohol is a tricky substance, but besides the bad things that have come from it, the experience I got from dealing with it has given me a newfound respect for life (and my driver's license).

I think my intro post was about as long as yours, so don't feel too bad about the length.
I also understand the alchol thing. My dad is a recovering alcoholic & I was about 12 when I started drinking. I drank pretty heavily through high school. I pretty much quit about the time I turned 21. Now, I have an occasional glass of wine or maybe a beer, but it's not often.

[Johnny123]

Originally Posted by sifl

Looking back on my post, I commend you for having the patience to read all of that.

Alcohol is a tricky substance, but besides the bad things that have come from it, the experience I got from dealing with it has given me a newfound respect for life (and my driver's license).

yeah I had to tackle it a few times. I'd look away then find i wanna do that or just close the window in frustration that i can't read it all. But i got through it.

Mate alcohol is just like everything - It's good in moderation and bad when abused.

Oh yeah another thing, I'm just really happy my job doesn't involve serving people, i'm kinda petrified of serving people as i'd have the tendancy to turn violent or let something slip out of my mouth if something goes wrong.

[busygoddess]

Originally Posted by Johnny123

Oh yeah another thing, I'm just really happy my job doesn't involve serving people, i'm kinda petrified of serving people as i'd have the tendancy to turn violent or let something slip out of my mouth if something goes wrong.

I worked at McDonalds for about 2 years. I spent a lot of time in the freezer. That was the one place we could go & scream to get out the frustration of dealing with all the irritating people, without them hearing. It was so hard, sometimes, to not throw someone's food at them.