Why Do I Even Bother to Try?

[SuzzanneX]

Welp, I cleaned my room, and dusted, it was perfect.
....I also swept and waxed the floors in the whole house.

I took a shower, knocked over and broke a 3"X4" mirror, destroying everything
it was near when it fell.
...I took my friend home, ran out of gas at the sewage plant....
I walked thru sewage, to get to a guy with a cell, called my friend, no answer.
...yesterday his dog was on a leash and wrapped it around my leg and gave me a severe cut/ rope burn, behind my knee, picture at 11:00 *hopes*
.................so, sewage got in the cut...I really hope it kills me.

this is what my whole life is like.
....why bother to clean? ....I just destory it,

immediately.

THIS is why I went to a shrink....
....I don't want afukinthing! ...I'll just loose it, break it, bust up everything
trying to maintain it.

This fukin job, gave me a "perfect" review.....
.....but, won't give anyone hours.

my sense of urgency is so good in fact, I can relax a bit, if i want, they said.

.....they said they've never had to tell an employee not to work so hard.

why don't I have enough money for gas?
......why do they keep promising me hours, and calling me to say,
"there's no truck to unload, everyone is off work tonight."

everything I try to do in this reality, is against the grain.
why bother even trying to live when I just feel like giving up.

I'd rather have meth, my favorite suicide, but, I'd have to make do with
the destruction in my path...

....there's just two reasons why I did'nt go to the woods, find a cave, and
gouge my main artery with one of thousands of mirror shards, that represent
"organizing myself"
....... or my attempt at order,
that
.... as usual, turned into lameass, flailing, waste of time, and, 7 years of bad luck.
...I'm not superstitious tho, I think I already died using, and I'm damned to hell for eternity, here, on this weird planet..
.....7 years, would be a gift.

I promised my mom I'd let her die before me, because she tried so hard to save me.
...and I feel bad for HER useless energy, poured into a lost cause.

I wish I could at least give her a vip lunch, like when people loose all their money at a casino.
.........I owe my roomate money, and she is good to me.

or I swear, I'd be reincarnating as a crack baby in a dumpster RIGHT NOW.

*sulks*

thank you for reading that tripe.
...it's how I feel.

I can't cut my head off with a broken mirror, and try to stab each thought individually,until i'm dead. Don't worry...
......because I love my freakin' mother, and I wanna pay my roomate back.

[DesertDave]

Originally Posted by SuzzanneX

Welp, I cleaned my room, and dusted, it was perfect.
....I also swept and waxed the floors in the whole house.

Me too ! ! ! Oh wait....that was like 2 months ago.

I'm sorry you broke the mirror. I've broken a few. But I'm not superstitious - I keep buying lottery tickets.

If I send you a new mirror can we have back the happy, funny, thought-provoking SuzzanneX ?

[MECMR]

Suzie? I'm in tears reading your post. I don't know what I can say to help at all. I mean, we all talk about dealing with crap, but you are not only experiencing life "crap", you are LITERALLY walking through it.

The only thing I can offer is this:


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{big comforting hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are such a good hearted person, and have fought so hard. I know I am not the only person on here who admires you and respects you.

What happened with the mirror, and the gas, and the sewage and the rope burn and the job...all could happen to anyone...but almost never on the same day, and certainly not all on the same day after going through all you have gone through and fought for.

Sometimes we all need to offload, and maybe that is really what you needed to do here. But I am worried. Is there anything that would help?

[SuzzanneX]

you could always adopt a special child, with bad luck.
....I'm perfectly MISERABLE, and self loathing.
It's rare I'm such bad comapny to myself, I usually like myself too.
.....but, I gotta live with me...
I can't just go for a walk, and get a break from me.
....my life is a cross country drive, in an unairconditioned station wagon, with all
of the me's.
....suzette is howling for meth, God's suz is trying to think of what to say.
and the representative, or "learned me" wants to quit.

[Song of Mercy]

I have no advice. Only comfort. ((((hug))))

[MECMR]

Originally Posted by SuzzanneX

you could always adopt a special child, with bad luck.
....I'm perfectly MISERABLE, and self loathing.
It's rare I'm such bad comapny to myself, I usually like myself too.
.....but, I gotta live with me...
I can't just go for a walk, and get a break from me.
....my life is a cross country drive, in an unairconditioned station wagon, with all
of the me's.
....suzette is howling for meth, God's suz is trying to think of what to say.
and the representative, or "learned me" wants to quit.

Ugh...and the seats are vinyl, and your thighs are stuck to it too, huh? (I don't mean to be fresh, I am serious...that is a great analogy, made my whole body sit up and say "OUCH!")

Howling for meth: suzette needs comfort, I think. To know that she is loved and cared for, and that this is not her fault. It will end, it will be fine, she does not need to fear.

God's Suz: struggling so hard to be good, and fix it all. Sometimes there is nothing to be done...it is not to be fixed. An accident, a bunch of lousy things all in a row...it's not your fault, Suz.

The representative: Fighting to build a bridge between the two...don't give up yet. Or...are you maybe gathering your strength, so you can soothe these other selves and let them know you can try and cope?

We are all here for you, to listen and help if we can....

[mADD mike]

What is more important Suzanne, people or stuff? You know the answer to that.

Why do I ask?

When you get to feeling so badly about all of the "stuff" in your life that has gone wrong, all the broken "mirrors", the scars and bumps and bruises, and you get really down on yourself and your messed up life, and how everything goes wrong, and there is nothing worth living for, think about people.

Yes, people. The people on your American Methology that love you and have had their lives touched by you. The people on here that love you and have had their lives touched by you. Never forget those people. Not only should you have a great sense of pride in the fact that you have done so much for others, even if just with a post that is mere words, but you should have great pride in the fact that so many people care about you. If you were truly a worthless waste of a life, you wouldn't have so many people that care about you. People care, because you are a great person that has just had some really horrible times in life.

This world revolves a lot around material possessions, so-called "success" as a result of climbing the social or economic ladder, or pieces of paper that say someone has achieved something. You have something that a lot of those people don't have, something that means much more, and that is a resilient spirit, the ability to keep fighting circumstances that would have led most people to their ultimate demise. When you die, nobody remembers what kind of car you had, or how many letters you had before your name, but they do remember how you touched their life.

There is a quote my wife and I both like, and it is applicable:

People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
People will never forget how you made them feel

You have made a lot of people feel like someone cares about them, given them hope on your own website, touched lives, and been touched yourself in reciprocation, and you should never lose sight of those more important things over a bit of dirt, the lack of possessions, or supposed failings that you may see in your life. Think about it, people like myself view you as important. I never touched a drug in my life, probably have never had the same experiences that you have in many aspects of life, so you would think we have nothing in common. But we do, we both love to help others, to touch someone else's life, because that is where true joy comes, true happiness, and a true legacy when it is all said and done.

Another quote I like:

It isn't how many times you get knocked down that matters, it is how many times you get up.

Never lie down and give up. Always get up, and remember that you have value to so many more people than a lot of people in this world, because you put yourself out there and make a difference to others. You may lose sight of it at times, but nobody can ever take that from you.

Mike

[meadd823]

I have crap times like this - Those are the time when I am here but I do not speak. It is good to be able to at least write about it - must have taken a lot of effort.

If I had the magic words to make this feeling go away I would speak them the fact of the matter is I don't.

[sarek]

Originally Posted by SuzzanneX

It's rare I'm such bad comapny to myself, I usually like myself too.

We like you.

[SuzzanneX]

I'm fine now.
.....I don't stay down for long.

I gotta go to sleep, I'm so tired, I just got off work...
....a, 12 hour night shift.

after that, it's hard to raise self hatred.
...I'm a good girl, and I work hard.


I'll leave me alone now, I punished me enough.


ya'll have a nice day.

[ADHDNEWB]

Welcome to my life. The bull crap never seems to end. What I hate though is when the bad stuff comes, in comes in HUGE WAVES. One bad thing after another happens and it really sucks. But then again, if nothing bad ever happened to us, we wouldn't be humans and we wouldn't be living.

Oh well, we shall survive!

[SuzzanneX]

I put em in another thread...
...here's the leg.




you belive that?
....only I could get rope burn from walking a dog.

here's the room....







it DID finally get cleaned.
...I did'nt have to have mom come back.

LOL! *whew*

........I'm in the process of cluttering it back up....lol.


here's me, except, clutter follows me, instead of flowers...LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHLjYBsl2zA