New and with question on how the mind works

[Katebees]

Greetings
I am new to this board and newly diagnosed BP1 and ADD.

I have a million questions about all of this and hope others can share their experiences. The books I have browsed at the book store, give the same answers I can find on the internet. I am looking for more in depth answers that maybe only other DXed people can offer.

I didn't have a clue I was BP. I really thought I was some how gifted in always being so positive and so ready to dive into my next obsession. I was more depressive in my early 20s and now in my 30's I think I tend more towards normal / elevated to severe elevated (crazy lady) and this past year it just went off the charts. I will tell my story later.. Still very freaked about all that I did and trying to figure it all out.

I am currently on Adderall 10mg 3X a day for ADD, which is great. I am actually getting work done. I am also ramping up on Risperdal, now up to .25mg once at bedtime. I know this is a low low dose, but I have felt it's effects. I think I will need to go even higher because in the last week some strange thoughts are coming in my head.

Okay.. trying to get to my question.

1. With current meds I am starting to "think" differently. It is hard to explain ,but as I increased dose of Risperdal it is like there are two minds. One kinda depressed based on all the tragedy I caused this year and then another mind that is still kinda crazy. The crazy part is just on auto pilot, like "everything is good", "everything is great", "I am awesome"," I can do anything".

The crazy mind also gets stuck on thoughts and plays them over and over and over. I recognize this as a large component of my mania when it was in full blown effect this year. As I increase the risperdal, the crazy mind began to disappear. Leaving only the depressed mind, sad about all that I destroyed during my mania. Not seriously depressed, but normal I think.

I have had a few moments where it seems like the crazy mind comes back on line and starts crazy thoughts, then it goes away in a few hours.

Does anyone have anything similar? Is this how people feel when they are getting the right drug dose?


Okay I have a million zillion other questions, but will post separately.

Thanks in advance

[Song of Mercy]

I have had around 5 or 7 hypomanic episodes and let me tell you I did some things that were bad! I kept all this stuff a secret for a long time because I was so, so ashamed at the memories. I was afraid to leave the house and have anyone in town see the crazy lady!

Well, I had a therapist for several years and one of the last things I did was open up and tell her all the really bad stuff I did. It was a good thing. It gave me the freedom to stop reliving the horrors of those events.

I still get very manic and do some crazy stuff...trust me, you will see a post or message from me and be like...hmmm, did song really say that? Well, thats part of it and I have learned to just let go of stuff and be the best me that I can be. The people that love and care for me will still be there when I land back on planet earth.

Some meds that have been really good for me are abillify and lamictal.

If you ever need to talk pm, I will gladly talk, even enjoy having another in the same boat to share with.

(((hugs)))

Song.