With ADHD, a 'mistake' is not just a 'whoops'

[aidy]

sounds very familiar
especially during singing class... i'm always totally spaced out and unable to concentrate

and then some time later i'm incredibly frustrated with myself for it

[Michiko74]

Originally Posted by Robhanly

We all make mistakes, but we can learn from them.

Than may I respectfully point to your mistake? And that is you misunderstood and dismissed the experiences of an ADHDer.

Do you ever wonder why ADHDers ever go through depression? Or even why there's frustration over our symptoms? Really a condition that causes one to hyperfocus doesn't seem to qualify as a candidate for emotional therapy. It comes from the countless number of attempts to 'learn' and 'correct' your mistakes, and the frustration of not being able to communicate this experience to others.

One of the frustrations of educating the public about ADHD is trying to convince symptoms such as procrastination, fidgeting, being mentally overwhelmed are indications of a neurological condition. By stating 'we all make mistakes' you are following the footsteps of someone who dismisses ADHD altogether.

I understand that you had good intentions, and perhaps you were trying to offer some help. But if you were to read the post carefully, you'd realize that in fact, it's not 'just' a mistake. And telling me to adjust my attitude is like telling an ADHDer that they can overcome their symptoms if they just 'try harder.'

And lest you think I dismissed your post, no I haven't. I have been able to look back at my past, and benefited from the lessons. But I didn't need advice, I didn't need critism. I needed you to say that you went through the same thing I did, and what I felt was real.

[RobConcept]

I apologise whole heartedly if that is how my response came across - the last thing I would intend to do would be dismiss your experiences.

I understand first hand the depression and frustration that comes with the territory of the conditions. I understand the countless number of attempts to learn and correct mistakes, just as everyone else here does.

By no means do I discredit your feelings on that in any way, and again, I apologise if that is how my actions were percieved in any way.

If the knowledge of knowing that you are not alone and that what you felt was real will help you in your life, I hope that you do recognise that you are neither alone nor feeling something unrealistic. The strong responses throughout this entire forum are testament to that.

I don't preach from a place of unaffectedness. I've had my own problems and issues to deal with, and what I say is how I've come to solve them. In the way which you seek to be understood, I seek for others to have as many options available to them so that they need not feel as lost or helpless as I and many others have.

I feel that attitude plays a big part in life, no matter what the situation. It ultimately affects perspective, and, consequently, actions. Attitude has been the vehicle that I've commanded to get me to where I've wanted to be, 'disorder' and all.

What works for me may not work for you, however, and I accept that and think thats totally cool. It doesn't have to. We all have the ability to find our positive action systems and do what works for us. However, the mindset that I've adopted and that has helped me take control of my life may help someone equally as much, if not more so, and if by sharing my experiences helps prevent people from making similar mistakes, then so be it.

Noone should ever be left feeling ostracised or otherwise. As a community, its up to us to not only support the people who are strong enough to voice their feeligns, such as yourself, but to support those who are not strong enough to do so by doing as you and so many others on these forums have done.

Sharing our experiences.

[pemberlydreams]

Yup, I'm definitely harder on myself than anyone else is. Growing up, I had tough parents who never understood ADD, so I came to believe that I was just stupid and incapable. Now I know better, but making even simple mistakes makes me feel stupid all over again. Last week at work, I made a mistake that wasn't even really my fault (although had I double-checked my source, I wouldn't have made the mistake), and I was so upset I cried. And I NEVER cry at work. I found out this week that the mistake wasn't really my fault after all, and I immediately called a few of my superiors and told them I didn't appreciate everyone giving me hell about a mistake that wasn't my fault. And then they corrected me because no one gave me hell. Even when they thought it was my fault, no one was angry. But I was! I am way to hard on myself. If I could extend myself the same grace I extend to others, I'd be in good shape.

[akko]

Over the years I've found that I've gotten more confidence, more self-respect and that I just all-around like myself better... until I make a mistake. Then it's like all the self-esteem I've worked so hard to build up falls apart, I think I'm a horrible person who shouldn't even be on the planet, and I can't stop thinking about it for days! I just realized that it's probably why I don't try out a lot of things in life- I just can't seem to bear to make mistakes. (Although I'm not talking about tiny mistakes here, I'm pretty good at not sweating the small stuff) I'm not sure why I take it so hard. I try to tell myself that everybody makes mistakes, but I can't stand it. It's also why I would much rather be wronged than wrong someone else. Anger I can deal with; Guilt and shame just eat me alive!

[Manoa]

Yup, I take mistakes pretty hard.

The other thing is telling myself I'll never do this again ... but knowing that it WILL happen again because most of the time I don't even know how I got there.

[KatInOuterSpace]

Originally Posted by WarPhalange

Oh yeah, that's always fun. Turning in a homework assignment thinking "That was pretty straight-forward. What am I going to get for lunch today?" and then being told that I did most everything completely wrong. All that's missing is for the teacher to tell me my penis is small. Then that would be pretty much rock bottom for me.

YES! So many times through school or at work...I turn something in and I have that vision like in "A Christmas Story" when Ralphie turns in his paper on the Red Ryder BB Gun, and the teacher writes "A+!" all across the chalkboard....because he knows it will be the best paper she's ever seen!

Then he gets his paper back and he got a "C" and he's crushed!

That is the story of my life! I do what I think is good or at least satisfactory work, only to find out it's crap. It is so frustrating and I'm convinced, after having this play out day after day, year after year, it is why I also suffer from depression.

I'm constantly wondering...will I ever get it right? And how will I know it's right when I always think it's right but it never is? How do you know when you've found "right" if you don't even know what "right" looks like?

:sigh: C'est la vie I guess. Life will go on - another day to keep searching.

[RobConcept]

Originally Posted by KatInOuterSpace

I'm constantly wondering...will I ever get it right? And how will I know it's right when I always think it's right but it never is? How do you know when you've found "right" if you don't even know what "right" looks like?

It depends on the context partially - if its a term paper or assignment, you could ask the tutorer etc to look over it? Or if its something like setting up a business, can you learn from someone elses experience?

Most of the things we do in life have been done by someone, somewhere, long before us.

No point in re-inventing the wheel from scratch!

What sort of stuff do you struggle with the most?

[KatInOuterSpace]

Originally Posted by Robhanly

It depends on the context partially - if its a term paper or assignment, you could ask the tutorer etc to look over it? Or if its something like setting up a business, can you learn from someone elses experience?

Most of the things we do in life have been done by someone, somewhere, long before us.

No point in re-inventing the wheel from scratch!

What sort of stuff do you struggle with the most?

Just....so many things. In school it was schoolwork, any kind of school work. In Math class I would think I knew how to work a problem, and work my entire homework assignment the same way, but it would be wrong.

Or in English I would write a paper but I would do something different that the teacher asked.

Now at work people ask me to do things and it's like I don't hear them correctly. My hearing is fine, I have it tested regularly, but I don't understand the context of what they're asking. It's very hard to explain - it's like I see/hear things completely differently than they do. If they ask a question I give a different answer than what they asked for. But everyone else seems to understand what they're being asked.

Does that make sense?

[meadd823]

I'm constantly wondering...will I ever get it right? And how will I know it's right when I always think it's right but it never is? How do you know when you've found "right" if you don't even know what "right" looks like?

I understand completely - and I absolutely hate it, At my age I have learned to make a lot of it up as I go along.

it's like I see/hear things completely differently than they do. If they ask a question I give a different answer than what they asked for. But everyone else seems to understand what they're being asked.

Does that make sense?

It does to me - with some practice it happens less for me but it still happens.

Like today I am working the sky gets dark and angry looking so I come home for lunch get on the computer so I can look at the weather while I eat - I sort of noticed the weather channel people changed the banner on top of my home page - I flip through several pages before learning we are under some tornado watch thing - Only then does it dawn on me why they have this huge picture of a tornado at the top of my weather.com page it could explain why they sounded sirens earlier.

This experience reminds me of a saying I once read on here
'I am not a complete idiot several pieces are still missing"

I don't go so far as blaming my ADD I just feel stupid. Being dyslexic doesn't help - I really feel silly when I can't even pronounce simple single word when presented alone. I don't know how to pronounce the name of any streets - and I can't spell my way out of a sack -

Okay so I usually blame my dyslexia . . . .maybe I should alternate blame between the two conditions and my age that way my self buttocks kicking events will have some variety

Most of the things we do in life have been done by someone, somewhere, long before us.

With the exception of one thing - BE ME!!!

No one has ever been me before - and when I leave no one will ever be me again.So I can't learn how to be me from some one else - it is sort of a unique on the spot thing.

It is good to learn from other people - it is especially useful if I can learn from other people's mistakes BEFORE I make them myself - Unfortunately I am often the person who makes the mistakes others learn from and frankly it sucks severely. . .

[qhcowgirl]

Yikes! I can so relate to EVERYTHING!

I guess as ADDers we operate on extremes. Either everything is fantastic and we're on top of the world, or we're complete, utter, no-good, good-for-nothing detriments to society and we despair. When we do something good, it's really good. When something turns out wrong, it's the end of the world.

And a LOT of things turn out wrong and hopes are shattered which really is devastating. Guess we can just hope there's a reason these things had to happen...

[Zerbinetta]

The trouble that more people apparently have remembering faces is something that used to make me feel horrible when I just started working as a tutor, having to pick the right twelve-year-old to go with the name on my file from a sniggering bevvy of pre-teens.

One boy called me on it, just when it was beginning to dawn on me that this particular problem might have to do with my attention issues. I went off on him like a rocket, asking where he got off criticising someone for something they had trouble doing. Was I laughing at him for his failing grades, hmm?

I felt bad afterwards for having been that harsh to a kid, but my self-reproach had slowly been tipping over into a newfound sense of identity, and that final little push made it land with a clang.

[Lost Focus]

As others have said, nobody can beat themselves up as hard as...themselves. A series of events can go so right for me, but all that confidence I suddenly felt go away with the first failure afterwards. I go back to the drawing board.

Or I get on a roll, take on too much and feel crushed by the weight, leading to failure. I'm my own self-defeating reality.

[ZiggyFry]

I can totally relate.

After making a stupid/embarrassing mistake, I can't help but to relive it in my mind. Even after some time, it can still have the same impact it did the day after.

Interesting to see how many people do the same.

Sin.Ziggy.

[GingerTheCarrot]

yeah, same with me. i just get so upset with myself. i'll think back on everything or anything about myself that i've done/do and i get weird and over-depressed about it, whenever i mess up or think about that kinda stuff.

and then what i hate is the fact, sometimes i can get on a role with doing good at something [maybe like turning work in at school], but i can only keep it up for a short period of time, and eventually i just go back to the old habits i never get past.

i get so fed up with it. awlays tryiny and trying, but never succeeding at anything.

i feel as if i'm like a turtle upside down on my shell. it's like no matter how hard i try to get myself right side up on my feet again, i'm still left unaccomplsihed despite the endless efforts.
yeah, i know that sounds really lame, but that's how i feel.

my mom constantly tells me i'm lazy, pathetic, and don't try hard enough, but people can't even fathom how hard i try to get through each day and to fix things. cause they may be hard on me, but i'm a thousand times harder on myself when i screw up or don't get things done.
i guess people just assume, constantly failing isn't a hard thing for someone to deal with or something and that it must not upset people...?

i just now [a little over a month ago] got perscribed to the meds.
i felt before as if i was disabled without a cruch almost.
but yeah, things have gotten better, and that's how i feel my ADD affects me a good bit.